We were arguing
about whether we should have kids.
I wanted it so badly—
but as you’ve said before,
if it were up to me,
I’d have everything yesterday.

I don’t know how to wait.
My feet never touch the ground.
We’d have eight cats,
five dogs,
ten children, and more—
because that’s who I am.
Intense.
I want to live everything at once,
all tangled together.

Maybe being with you
is killing that in me.
Where is the girl
who, when she wanted something,
wouldn’t stop until she got it?

She’s gone.
I lost her.
I can’t find her anywhere.
I searched in all my hiding places—
she’s dead.

And sadly,
she’s no phoenix.
I wish she were.

I killed her.
I was an accomplice in her ******.
How did I let that happen?
I wish I could go back in time.

How can the world change so much
after high school?
I know—it’s cliché.
But my God,
how things have changed.

And yet I’m still there,
trying to see that girl again
who no longer exists.

I tell myself
that as long as she’s alive,
she lives in me—
a comfort,
a lie.

When will I reinvent myself?
When will I finally give birth
to what I truly want?
Do I even know
what I want?