i dont remember when the rules were written
only that they were written in my bones
etched there like commandments from a god i invented
to keep myself small enough
to fit inside the punishment
i have knelt to every cruelty
some with names i whispered like secrets
some with no names at all
just the echo of my voice
sharpened into command
i dont know how to stop
only how to split
to fracture like glass under holy pressure
to be the mouth that orders and the back that bends
to be the hand raised and the cheek turned
the lash and the mark it leaves
the yes and the why
the silence and the scream
i have been both judge and defendant
executioner and confessor
and still the verdict is always
not enough
never enough
never
i have worn shame and it mixes with my skin
called it modesty
called it devotion
called it what love must look like when it hurts just right
but God doesnt ask for blood the way i do
and i know that
i know it
and still i lay my faith beside my hunger
twisting like lovers caught in a mirror
my mouth half-prayer
half-demand
my hands clasped and trembling
with the weight of worship and war
i have made myself god because no one else would
and hated myself for daring
that is the sin i cannot name
but feel
like fire
just under the surface of my skin