you could sit at the highest of buildings
by the edge, always at the edge
legs dangling, undone shoelaces
staring at what is familiar
but no longer close
groups of people
casually drifting by
as if they aren’t taking what was left of me, whole

and the irony stares back
laughing as if it finds the situation hilarious
i’d known it all along
and yet i played right into the arms
of all those who didn’t mean
what they preached to aim
it has and always been
one-sided, delirious
stemming from want
ending in hurt

the unease gnaws at the surface now
crooked teeth waiting to harm
they bite, leave scars
i nod, obey, let them think i’ve forgotten
but it’s hard
hard when it seeps into my dreams
in the folds of fabric
i sense the sharpness of the blades
the taste lingers
at the back of my mouth, it hinders
can barely breathe, so i try
heaving a sigh
a voice so calm, it could make the hurricanes surrender

they haven’t seen me so far
on surface, and moments when i let it come undone
all the ties, and all the threads
the doll-like puppet with broken strings
versions still exist
messy, violent, trembling and quiet
and yet, flinching is no longer there

anger sizzles, singes my own
never out of control
dies in the borders
even if all that remains is soot
and the sole will to direct
comfort vs control
a safety too intense to trigger

you’ve been so good this far
and you’ve told me so
that nothing could go wrong
and i ain’t made from a broken mould
then why do i melt
when the temperature goes high
why do i swell
with all that i haven’t said or put out to light
why these bubbles
of wanting to escape
from the same arms that have carried
and brought me out
why do you push me back down
to where i came from
it’s almost as if
you’d like it
if i were to become your sole
based on the fact
you’d mould me back
into whatever you’d like
and you say i wasn’t my own?

i sit often
staring
but i zone out
out of my body, blocking my thoughts
suddenly i look back
and i see me
sitting there, she looks relaxed
i roam through the rooms
finding and catching onto souls that could
help me, perhaps understand even
but barely any exist
and those who do
are out of their bodies simply because
they couldn’t persist, too loud

so i shake this feeling
of being watched
they could, but they’d never know
what i think and how i know
they’ve rubbed love on me
disguised lies as happy memories
there’s midnight’s empty felonies
that i didn’t even commit
but the board carries plague
and it holds up posters
i sleep, with a prize on my head

this was what you wanted,
i guess
prize on my head
and once with you
you could exchange me for anything you’d want
anything you could have
and the funny exchange here
i was the one who set up that alimony
fooling me became a passion for you
the fool in real turned out to be you

how can
i be the star
when you’re out and about
every single time
behind my light
telling me i need to dim down
and when i do
you speak of fake promises
oh i might be the wrong one
victim play, all you're is empty premises

if you lie to the ones that hold you close
you’re the biggest fool
why’d you simply let them go?
and how can you live even — that way
pretending, double-faced
is it not hard?
i get tired mainly by watching you mask

it’s awful
makes my breath go a little too breezy
and for seconds i feel it
the world slows down
and i look at you
the image i’ve had of you
it shatters, the screen catches fire
the building burns down
and i go cross-eyed
trying to explain, to express
it hurts though
would you care enough to leave one last caress?

fake as it might be
could you look me in the eye and repeat
i haven’t lied

but you did

it’s not fair
i repeat that every time something goes wrong
i could put distance
but they’ll term me as the one who stood in the long
that i was rude
but i misplaced all my secrets and all my trust
and left them to you
but i see you go
you speak ill of me with those
who stabbed me not so long ago
and you were there, looking at the wounds
you watched me bleed
and now i see what came out of you

i imagine
bloodied hands over my body
the hope to see some inkling of regret
that you got and lost me
but i’ll continue
for i can’t play the role as well
and i can’t deny that the soft spot i had for you
turned my life into a living hell

i’ve been poisoned before
the first time — right in my nerves
through my brain, down my body
poisoned by the particular ones

took over my heart
seeped into my veins
refused to let me live

antidotes were rare
with the lucky ones
and i had no clover or charms
when the toxins came from my own
slipped into my being like kisses exchanged during farewells
that’s when i found the way

twice being poisoned
i ingested the venom myself
fell head first into the vat of chemicals

the third time, it didn’t hurt as much
just left me reeling with an impending numb

the fourth and the fifth — and so it continued
ingesting what could **** you, i took it in varying degrees

different ways — sometimes inhaling, often through my hearing
and god, did it leave me searing

i’d screamed at first, cried during the second
the helplessness, the forced resilience — visceral
but i brought it on myself
then i admitted, looked into the eye of the holder
who gripped the vial tight
offered them the kindest inkling
hoping they’d catch onto the feeling
poisoned or not — i’ve lost to this existence of mine

i’m poisoned often still
every now and then, i notice traces of it
it’s there in my being, in my body —
sometimes i believe more than blood, it’s the venom i bequeath
and yet, i’ll say — i’ve trained enough
to be proud that the poison doesn’t make me so weak

and there’s still strength that remains
despite the nights i spend crying
and the moments where i feel like dying
there’s hope that one day
it ought to stop or i’ll have become immune enough
to not drop to my knees
no matter how new the way,
how strong the feeling


could i come up to you
face you—meet it headfirst—
ask why you did that
and why it had to be me?

was i too reckless?
were my ways wrong?
maybe i never gave you
what you wanted all along.

but i tried—god, i tried—
and still, i let you hold me,
even when it felt stained.

now, i can’t wash it away.
this—however it is—
stays.
and i think it will,
as long as i keep seeing you
and pretending i don’t know
the truth—
and how i once promised myself
everything i never had
and never could.

i’d ordered a belgian dark cake
the worst kind of bitter frosting they could find
i received it, packed like the perfect delight
opened, scanned, the outsides a lookalike
except i ate the borders, an odd way
devoured the corners
the centre held buttercream
with the note
i hope you pay no mind

flaws could be accepted
i’d have done so
but knowing you left it
as it was, knowing it despite the promises
you could have changed,
could have exchanged
despite knowing, you still brought me the same
and now i sit
with the centre, having reached so far
i see the core and how it’s rotten
and all this long, close i think you are
enough to admit, that it hurts
etched into my tastebuds
it *****, but i’ve tasted this before
and the right order, it’s never really been placed
never heeded to, thus i never had it
what i believed to be the final try
might as well go ahead and say you’ve lost it

i’ll accept it, but i don’t think time and fading with it works
so i sit and stare and look at you, and let it hurt
it's just a cake, i know
i wish you had noticed,
only when it mattered to me the most.