you don't mind it if it hurts, as long the medicine takes over at the right time. you don't want to die, but you often wonder what it would be like to try. living in reverse, with every step forward you just make it worse, de-escalating and digressing at an equal pace. one more for the list of errors, pin it on the board, watch yourself lose another race. you don't mind the shame, but you loathe the side of you that it brings out. you don't want to drown, but you often wonder what it would feel like to be gone.