I never allowed myself to divulge in the thought of soul mates, invisible string theory or even the simpler idea of just love.

I was never a child who planned and acted out what they wished their wedding would be. I was never the one who dressed as a princess only awaiting her prince. Aware of it all being a dream, and possibility of it crossing the realm to reality was close to zero.

I wasn't a child who was a girl living in the moment dreaming of her knight in shining armour or someone to love her as much as she did someone else. I was never that child, and that thought process and belief system was something that stained its ideology into my blood, unable to be ripped out and cleaned.

In so many words, I guess my childhood wasn't very childlike. Where the child allows herself to relish in dreams, no matter how huge. Even if it was as simple as becoming a princess herself. Now I am left looking, watching, reading and understanding love.

Soulmates.

Anything..

I fear I may never have it. Hell, I might not ever have it.

That I am someone incapable of loving, so when I dream about it now knowing deep down that it's all I crave. No smile or fantasy lands come out to play. Just fears that grow like a flower destined to wilt alone.

No happily ever after, for me.