i fear God
my parents speak of finding God in mundane things
they speak to Him through whispers
eyes closed, hands together
it was a scary sight as a child
i wanted to join them
but feared that i would do it wrong
that instead of my prayers being accepted
they would disintegrate
that the words before they escape my throat
would burn in my lungs
and smoke would leave my mouth
something unholy
that would linger in the air
suffocating anyone in my vicinity
fear that my prayers would cause the death of those i love
their well poisoned with my mold
God would punish me because of my imagined crimes
under His surveillance even the moths don’t chase lights
my words were weaker than others
i kept them down
mixing with the acid and half digested food
they never surfaced
i found God in love
or love was just a part of God
thorns off a rose plant
raw meat cut, blood trickling
the birds in heaven are carnivores
every desire bears fruit
love is paradise, locked away
it doesn’t appear to me
is it because i’ve feared God
in my prayers now the words don’t come
but my tears do, they sting down my cheeks
bystanders on my shoulders don’t wipe them away
or maybe they can’t
i have to get to heaven first, to love
to eat honey and experience ecstasy
human desires, is it earthly in paradise
do angels get jealous surveilling my mortal tears  
what is more divine
then her and i sharing a laugh
and when her hand lingers on my body
i fear God