i don’t have a bruise
not now
but my skin remembers

because once,
it rooted itself there
  dark and sudden
   from nothing at all

or maybe something small
  that shouldn’t have hurt
   but did

and since then
i’ve learned
  not all pain
   leaves a mark
    but it lingers
     just the same

now i know
that pain doesn’t always
  ask permission
   and not all wounds
    warn you first

but now
i freeze

before hands even reach
before words even fall
  like muscle memory
   but for fear

and now
i tense
when i shouldn’t

i flinch
before anything happens

i wait
for the hit
even when no one’s swinging

because once,
he came without warning
  and now
   my body remembers
    even when my mind
     tries to forget

because once
was enough.

no harm
just shadows
  and the ache
   of almost

because healing
was never
watching the bruise fade
it was learning
that the skin can clear
and still wince
at nothing

still twitch
at the memory
of blue

still ache
where there is no mark

just learning
how to live
  with the fear
   of it all
    returning

i flinch
at nothing

because once
there was something
and it stayed

i hold still
for what might not come

i tense
for what might not come

because it once did
   and that was
enough.