Oh dear Lord, what have I done?
How will I ever return to me?
No time to think about that—
There is no turning back now.

I longed to meet you. So curious I was.
Is this real?
What color will your hair be? Your eyes?
Will you look like me?
What outfit should I bring?

The months of carrying you felt like eternity.
With each contraction,
I realized what a gift it was
to be passive.

How will I handle this?
Will I survive? Will you?
Wait—I didn’t think this through.

Push. Push. And again.
Good—deep breath.
With each contraction, push again.
Exhaustion sets in.
Back to eternity I go.

Finally, you’re here.
“Congratulations, momma,” they say.
Hurray?
My breath paused,
and time froze—
until I heard you cry.

Then I felt a heaviness hit my chest.
There you lay,
and instantly I knew what love was.

I suddenly longed for an eternity with you
and mourned at the same time.
Stop it. Just be happy. This is magical.
But I couldn’t.

I didn’t care about the color of your hair or eyes.
I just couldn’t imagine a world without you.
As your weight pressed into me,
so did the weight of worry and sadness,
as intrusive thoughts flooded my mind.

How could you be this heavy?
I thought as I saw my heart outside of my body.
The thought of me became absent,
as the thought of us became profoundly loud.
You became my lifeline—
for without you,
I am nothing.

How beautifully overwhelming.
Oh, dear Lord, look what we have done.