the material doesnt feel right on my body
i can feel that i have a body and i dont like that
i am rearranging my shoulders and the position of my ribcage and tucking in my stomach and i feel repulsed by these sensations
i think the regular exposure of my body to another’s helped me put it into context but now it just exists on its own again
when i am in front of the mirror i dont see his body around mine, i just see flesh in solitude and it looks too bare
i have too much skin when no one is touching it
i dont know how to look after it and keep it all in check when there is no one but me who sees it
so then i begin to resent its constant presence and so getting ready starts to take longer again
everything i put on to cover my body just draws attention to another thing that doesn’t look right to me
but i will be late so i just have to hold this gnawing feeling of disgust throughout the day until i come home and i can encase myself again
i go to sleep , enjoying the weight of the duvet as it separates my head from any thought of what is below