these are not my best days...

whatever the reason,
depression returned with vengeance
it numbed my mind, my flesh
noticed a little
medicate a little
medicate some more...
notice some more....
until i was tangled
lost in highs and lows
feeling everything and nothing

i didn't mind
something twisted in me enjoyed it
being ill
unable to care for myself quite properly
things started slipping
my tongue had no restraint
my stomach always empty
my mouth always dry
my limbs would tremble
my body would shake...

my mind grew slow
weak and feeble
that's all i really wanted...
pause this curse of thought
feel my sanity, my health
slowly drift away...

but when i was needed
i failed
i could not deliver
i could not heal
useless
i'd emptied myself out
precisely as i had wanted
and i was enjoying it
until you needed me
and i was too far gone