I have been sounding
like an old over-played record
my mind jarred and marred
has hardly turned away
from the grooves
embedded within
over the decades
from which I could not disentangle--

time has marched on
age has caught up with me
the seeds I once planted
in my life's garden
have all come to their own
now they are gallant trees
proud flowers, lush plants
a world they count all-sufficient
and I am needed no more

now
as I walk past
I know
they recognise me
in their silence
for they understand
( nature has taught them well)
who and what I am

could I blame them
if they were to sit
in judgement?

for they are pure
without a single blemish
their hearts
do not bear any mark
of inhumanity
they hold standards
which I could never achieve
and I walk away
in my lonely shame

I must take leave
from the shackles
of my tainted life
past steps
I have to retrace
one by one
new seeds of contemplation*
I have to seek
from the barrenness
of this wilderness
of my own creation

I have come
to the brink
of time
there was no jailer
it was I
who created
my own prison

even the sun
looks away from me
even the dark
dreads my presence
no star will shine
over me
and no bird
will sing for me

the sea forbids me
I would pollute
the grass would cringe
as I walk over the green

I have no home
to return to
the night-winds
conspire:
let's blow harder
on that man
let him suffer
and shiver
the more
the better

midnight
the bell chimes
darker grows the sky
a voice mysterious
suddenly drifts
from the distant hills
in a tongue
I can't understand
but its contents
somehow
strike terror in my heart

my voice is choked
I can't speak
I seem
to be tossed
in a whirlpool
out in the nowhere of time
next
I am falling
falling
falling
from the clouds
falling
falling
falling
from the precipice
falling
falling
falling
away from myself--

is this all a dream
or my imagination?