I understand now that I desperately want
to be special

The desire crawls under my skin
to see myself as smarter than others, with better morals, with natural talent for everything I try
shivering it away, it sickens me as much as it soothes
my hollow, childish soul

In a flash, the thought has me petrified
I will die and nothing I can do will mean anything
It attacks and I know
I will never be enough because I am not
special

Maybe that's all the depression is
it slithers around me, slowly suffocating any hope to breathe
mesmerizing me with feelings of uniqueness
you are a sufferer it tells me
and I turn, a passive participant to its ritual

I want to be special
to be loved
and before you tell me that I am, that there's someone here who cares
I know
but I want to be loved by myself

I want what little I am to be enough for myself