The last time I was here
your hand was in mine

All I have left are
could have beens
and
what ifs
I wish I was still a zombie

I drag myself on these legs
when I don't even know where
I'm going to.

I was born blind
I can wait for somebody to
put their sight in my sockets
But then
how will they see
what I see?

I might not be in the middle of a hurricane
But that doesn't mean it isn't windy
and it doesn't mean the constant rain
isn't making me cold
and it doesn't mean that the clouds
aren't making everything darker
than it should be
and it doesn't mean that I can't
see hail and sleet and snow
in the distance
and it doesn't mean
that I'm not dreading its presence
in my life.

I might not be in a hurricane
but that doesn't mean
the weather is nice
it doesn't mean a sight of the sun now and then
wouldn't suffice

However
If the sun says hello
I won't know how to greet it
I won't know how to look at it
probably not directly in the eye
because that would make me blind
more blind than I am now, anyway
and I don't know how I would spend my day
with the sun screening my back
I would probably just start running
so I could feel wind on face
because that's all I'm used to
and the wind is what puts me in my place.

"I love you" is a great way to cover up that stupid line.
Don't be afraid of losing me;
that is worthless worry.

The roses bloom every Spring,
though they look more beautiful
dressed in snow.
My rose is a sweet pale lady
taking me away from the
seasonal blueness of my history.

I'm a feral child
and suddenly,
I'm home

Sometimes things fit and sometimes they don't
I spend my life trying to put pieces together
and when they don't fit
I just tape them and glue them
and they look a mess, but they hold for now
and that's going to have to be good enough

Sometimes things fit and sometimes they don't
and this time they fit
perfectly.

I guess I like it better when they don't.

I know I'm breathing
because when I tuck my chin
I can see my chest swelling

I know I'm alive
because if I weren't then
I wouldn't feel anything at all
I wouldn't remember anything

I wish I couldn't remember
I wish I couldn't feel anything at all
I wish I weren't alive
I wish I couldn't see my chest swelling
I wish I couldn't tuck my chin
I wish I wasn't breathing.

But I am breathing and tucking and swelling and living and feeling and remembering
everything all at once.

all the time.

And there is simply no worse feeling
than missing someone that doesn't miss you back

And there is simply no worse feeling
than gathering hopes from cherry trees and putting them in your basket to bring home with you
then gathering hopes from your basket and laying them into neat rows, smallest to biggest,
then looking at them and realizing they're not cherries at all, they're not even fruit, they're rocks.

No worse feeling...
than having all of these hopes,
hoping
that you wish you couldn't breathe, tuck, swell, live, feel, remember

Just like me.

But you'll keep breathing like me
and tucking your chin like me
and swelling your chest at the thought of another girl that's so unlike me
and living like me
and feeling what you used to feel about me for that other girl that's so unlike me

Unlike me.

I wish I was unlike me.

I wish you still liked me.

Pain is the loudest voice in the room
It obliterates the survivors
and wakes the dead.

Nothing in my belly
but shadows and rivers

and I'm lucky
that all I feel is shivers

Missing that morning music with subtle beats,

but I can only hear mourning music with heavy harmonicas

This falling keeps me at peace,
because for one last moment
I am in one piece.
I am whole,
with the belief of no release.

You have beautiful eyes
     it's too bad you keep them closed
          and it's too bad you keep them clouded with tears
You have a beautiful mouth
     it's too bad you keep it closed
And I'm sure you have a beautiful voice
    but you glue your tongue to the roof of your mouth
And you probably have a beautiful body
     but you wear so many layers, nobody knows
And I know you have beautiful toes
     because you're never on them, you wave them in the air and show them off
And it's likely that your heart is heavy
    but you don't let people test its weight
And maybe your soul could be strong
     but you never let it out for exercise
And I'm sure other people could see you as I do, and feel the same way as I do
     but you never let them look at you

Because you live in the mirror
    and the only one that can see you is me.

I made the slit
Dug my finger tips in the crevace
And pulled until the wound bled free
All you had to do was smear the blood on my face in the shape of a heart
I broke my heart over you
And now I'm all apart

What's the point of sewn shut pockets?
To create an illusion
that there's always a place to
keep things safe.

They're sewn shut,
and you're not fooling anyone.

Rip the seems
and keep your possessions
safe and to yourself.

What's the point of pockets,
if they're always sewn shut?

Only real eyes
can make you realize
what lies beneath
real lies

and the bottom layer, against my bones knows
that it's been a long time since I've anxiously awaited someone's response.

I always drop off,
maybe I jump.
All I know is that my cheek is forever grazing the pavement.

I never know if I jump or if I'm pushed.

Maybe because I can't feel anything all anymore.

and the harmless always skewer me with their words or
with their silent hearts.

and I try to decide if the red water I see is always blood
or if I'm just dreaming all the time.

It's been awhile since I've met a human that's not a stranger.
I'm forever a stranger.
I'm stranger than I even understand.

I assume I'm just in appreciation
of the walkmen making their journey
from my home to the heart of Louisiana
or somewhere.

I am an onyx bird of unusual beauty
with a vision of being ceaseless.

I'm the dark horse without a fan club,
shining bright black.

You always bring me close enough
to see the whites of my eyes
before you shoot me.

Sometimes I turn my head and pretend someone's there.

Things can fall apart so easily
but for some reason things never fall together
They can come together
You can put them together
but it's never as easy as if they were to just fall into place

And things can fall apart so easily
but once they have done so
it's almost impossible to put them back together
The pieces never seem to fit right
and you're reading a manual that some other person wrote
that says they know what they're talking about
but they never really do.

Things fall apart
They will never fall together
You can break them apart
You can take them apart
but don't expect the pieces to ever fit again.

Your hand on my lap forces the moon to flaunt its rays through the glass
on a moment that will soon pass,  
and your whispers hit me harder than the thunderclap's applause
as you sing about the Western Skyline with Dawes,
and the warmth your voice brings reminds me that
you're more beautiful than all of those pretty little things
anyway.

You have a short
attention span but
that doesn't mean
what happens
minimally
is not beautiful.

Notice the details
as the universe
lays them before you.

You're ****** unless
you do a ton of blow.

Clipped wings
     and soft paws.

Cut my fingers at the first joint
     and make me forget how to soar.

Take my weapons
     and means of escape.

I'm flying in circles
     and taking pit stops on perches...
          ...
               ...
                    ...

I'm defenseless
with nothing left to be condemned.

sometimes...
i just wish.
i could be.
in a place.
with all white walls.
and all white tile floors.
                                                          alone.
and have big huge paint buckets.
with lots of colours.
and i could create my own world.
and live in it.
                                                          alone.
without a care.

My hands waltz
with my heart
when I'm at rest
with you

I am me

simple sentence

that no amount of words

can correctly interpret



you are you

you are different than me

simple concept

with a complex definition



we are close

but with a fair distance between us

these kilometers aren't always noticed

so you start your journey

over to me



eager at first

running at full speed

until your lungs shrink

and your pace slows



what you see in front of you

keeps getting further

it is just a mirage

you can't touch it

but you can see it

and sense its presence

and that will have to be good enough

for now.

Coffee for two
all alone,
with rivers
of problems on paper
of a middle school girl.

You are the intelligence
behind the cellar door,
(the phrase in which
your life is written)

They're sparkling and the
drums don't lay all neat and
tidy under the melody, but
they still race along me in a
field behind you. But you
look back and they're black
to you. Hold me up. Let me
go. And my heart will race
under the sun, under me

What did you do today?

I am the moon...
     watching over the world
     and making things cold...
          preparing life for the warmth of sunrise.

I asked what time is,
not what the time is.

...

Your body is rejoicing
within you.

...

...

There's always someone in this place;
This place never sleeps.

...

...

...

...

...

Munch munch munch on my heart
when you're bored

We're a tragic
kind of magic.

I'm not good at affection
But I've heard it's a skill worth learning
So maybe I'll do some exercises
because practice makes perfect

Give some hugs
Look at eyes
Give some love
Say some highs

Then I remember;
It takes two to ****.

I'm looking at your face
I'm a creep from afar
You have no idea what I do at night
When all who is watching is up in the stars
And it's not what you're thinking
because I'm not like that
and you know that because I show that
But sometimes I think I shouldn't have
And sometimes I wish I could change
Everything about myself
So I could be more like your face
That I creep on with grace
I wish I could change
that I want to change
everything about my grace
Yes I wish I could change
because you want me to change
so I can end up in a different place.

Your kisses give me scars
when they break the skin
I hope you love the taste
of my salty blood between
your teeth;
sleeping on your gums

This is my internal explosion. It's as if I slit a piece of art into every ***** and drained out everything that was taking up too much room, suffocating me. And everybody is wading in a pool of my insides without even noticing. I'm all torn apart far away from everyone and my pipe intestines are still leaking. Just put a rusty bucket beneath them. **** it. Let's wait for a mechanic that we don't even know to fix the leak and dump my organs into some random creek. I know I am weak, even though I act like a too cool for school freak, alienating me to nothing. Forgive me. You'll outlive me because I don't even feel alive anymore. I wish I was still a chore. I wish I didn't only exist on the outside of the door to your brain, unlike before. I wish I could still live in the insane with you. I wish I could be an amplifier for you. I wish I could still fly for you. I wish I could die with you. You hate it when I cry with you, so why do you always make me cry for you? Why do you force me to die for you all the time? I'm your zombie lover, standing for nothing except your brain.I wish I wanted to eat your brain but I only want to live inside of it. I'm your zombie lover trying and failing to haunt your memories. Why aren't you scared of me? You were never prepared for me. You never really cared for me or truly bared it all for me, until I was already buried. It's not like we were married or whatever. I just wish we could have carried the weight of our hearts together. But you never wanted my support or should I say weight, or should I say baggage, or should I say obnoxious and monotonous heavy heart?

You say you don't want to be with anybody right now. Does that make me just anybody? And don't kid me, please. I wish I wasn't so whiny and I wish your feelings weren't so tiny. I wish if I yelled, "Hide and seek!" you would actually try to find me. I wish you would be kind to me. I'm binded to my lonely splint of solitude. I wish people would quit asking about my mood as if they don't understand that I'm brooding my monotonous personal etude constantly. My etude's mood is a just a ******* boring dude at party.

Some things work
and some things don't move at all

Remember that cogwheels
remain turning in every joint

You can't
find what
you don't
look for

I don't
see you
anymore

I'm not
even
looking
anymore

I won't say "
Happy New Year!"
because I am still waiting
for a new day to come.

I have sympathy for things that don't want it
and apathy for things that only want my sympathy

Yet I own no sympathy at all.

Standing tall
in a corner
that doesn't exist
at all

(So why should I bother brandishing my arms around
to get your attention?)