alone again
breathing freely
thinking deeply
not so distracted
not so overwhelmed
dreaming again

more vivid
less rigid since I met him
glad I met him
glad he's gone

never could sleep in the same bed
didn't want to talk after we ******
didn't want another mouth to feed

another void to fill
another moment spilling my heart out
when all I wanted was to get my brains ****** out
wasn't really sure what I needed until I got something that I didn't
still not completely sure
but I know what I don't want
and that's a good place to start

I tremble to know,
to think, to speak.
I see below,
I sink, and shrink.

My troubles taunt me
as I peer through the rift.
Abyss greeting me again,
my darkness, once a gift.

The webs of my fingers,
dry, crusted, peeling.
I'm weaving my safety net,
tired, tied with feeling.

I grant my own wishes,
but he offers me kisses.
I shy away and shrink again,
unsure if love is meant for me.

I seem to see what's underneath
but thinking has gotten me,
thoughts rotting in me.
Sinking teeth
with stinking teeth
infecting me
with what's beneath.

This tattered heart, barely mending,
is caught up in defending.
Unsure if blending what's still misunderstood
will do anyone any good.

To open up was thought blasphemous
before such a day was bore.
(Thinking this heart too sore).
Now these teeth won't stop chattering,
ears perked up, yearning for more.
(Realizations haunting me).
The rift I peer into is in fact me,
outside looking in,
yet inside looking out.
Filled with doubt, skin shouting,
come closer.

I gaze into the rift, meet my abyss,
and meld with the void for what seems as forever,
yet in a moment forever has passed.
I think it's okay to drift again and thinking ceases.
Feeling myself shadow walking,
spirit singing a song once forgot
as this void expels new light.

melted
molded
molten
golden
bending with the wind
striking like the hammer
lightning booms
it's hailing in April
I make my coffee
hot enough to melt mushrooms
hot enough to warm me from the inside
I move my burning, shaky fingers,
as I stir the spoon
I hear the thunder rumble
my stomach rumbles too
this coffee I made is enough for two
I step outside to get a closer look
I'm alone now
it's what I wanted
all for me
these shaky fingers
these deep breaths
the hail softens to snow
I exhale
It's a fools snow
as the ground is too wet
for anything to stick
slippery sticky frozen mess
I feel blessed, shaking out the stress
I sigh and go back inside
it's about time to leave the house
and I begin to hear the pitter patter of rain again

Another moment wasted in waiting
Calls back to me as I sit here,
Telling me it's not too far off,
Telling me I am cloudier than the skies,
Just as humid as the windows,
And just as cold as the air.

I wasted so much time waiting,
Traveled across the world and back again,
Waiting for you to love me again.
Being broken was my only friend—
For a decade, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten years.
I reminisced, wished, and longed for
The days we made love all day for,
The moments we whispered, "I love you more."

I broke down and let my shadow explore,
Devoured what was left of myself,
Gave myself away—a *****,
Took myself around on tour,
Always looking to get my fill,
Yet always feeling empty.

Nothing can replace you.
Drinking couldn't erase you.
I tried one last time to chase you,
But you're in love, and I wouldn’t dare entice you.
My pretty words were born to chase you.
I will chase you in dreams,
In my words, forever.

I will love you forever,
Despite the spite you spat
At the news that I was back.
I told you that was my closure,
Not knowing it was a lie—
Perhaps a type of closure,
To stop the pursuit in this life.

But I will love you forever,
And find you in the next life.

burning today
fingers aching last night
popping knuckles
not so easy
feeling a bit uneasy
reeling backwards
popping neck bones
whiplash when I thought I saw you
collarbones calling
swinging to meet your gaze
saloon swinging
swooning then ringing
returning back to where I saw you
forgetting the misery
of bones popping
head hanging
feeling low
again burning
burning notes
meeting you
singing notes
screaming tones
bleeding never felt so good
never tasted so good
to live without food
what a mood
to sit and brood
teeth clenched
thoughts intrude
it's all for you
I bite my lips
chew off the skin
and bite again
bleeding never tasted so good
knowing we cannot be friends
we cannot
be
friends

I bottled Grace
broke it the same day
gave into the grey
of a fur coat
Wolf's coat
tempered mote
tempered charm
unreveled charm
sounding alarm
sounding harm
hearing fearing
fearing nothing
save the charm
charming me
warming me
harming me
leaving me
I am broken
unbottled
I am Grace

My heart splits in two
I see what I must do
Give into this Hermit life
To see my life's path through

Kindness that's been buried deep
The kind I used to give to me
Has begun to rise and fall—I weep,
I mourn for the moments there was a "we"

Knowing that our Never is all that's left of past Forevers
I gather my bearings and proceed with my endeavors
Hands still healing from holding too tightly to our tethers
I've let go now, feeling lighter, sprouting my own feathers

My heart is mending, molding, fusing back into itself
As the pitiful wreckage of our past waves its final storms
I see myself walking alone, knowing he is not by himself
A shifting—I awaken to my own healing, my heart warms

I can love deeply, from afar, as I heal my scars
Never together, never apart, always a part
He will amuse me, in my heart, in the stars
But for now, it's just me inside this healing heart