Kissing, supporting—
then sniffing, then snorting:
Xanax, ******, Tylenol.
Alcohol will never expire
dealer, buyer—
you're getting higher and—and—and
Louder, louder—
you're drowning in prescription powder.

You're given ***, speed, salvation
It's not love, it's medication.

I’ve never found charm in speaking
words that you don’t mean
or falling over sentences
struggling with broken speech
the same way that I have never found home
in the body I call mine
that internal war I fight
between my heart and between my mind.

The world will never understand
why I tremble in daily conversation
I cause confusion in my thoughts
skipping over words in trepidation
But miscommunication then turns to judgement
without a second glance
and your lack of hesitation destroys me
tracing it’s steps into my one woman war

Well isn’t that just like your fears,
setting you up for failure?

Four walls to the room im in
Plastered white, no sun showing in
this place is my mind
these walls i paint
with memories that define
things not let go
feelings not left behind

Theres no exit
no windows
no escape
these four walls make up the prison i make
not to keep me in
but you out
Cant keep dealing with all this doubt

I'd like to think it happened out of love
awoken from a dream
it wasnt what it seemed
I feel in love with what couldnt be

Cant fight anymore
cant take the heartache
too many tears shed
in your wake

I cant take this torment
i stop myself
if your reading this
im not quite myself
but while im in this state
ill use this perspective well

Love is sacred,
trust is as well
Dont give it unless
you can be true to yourself
Fulfill your promises
it isnt that hard
CHOOSE what you want
and play the part

Dont tease me,
Take me for granted
Im worth more than that
I DESERVE to be cherished
Nobodys second choice
im taking my stand
If you dont come willingly
then i guess
ill see you in another land

Under the muted bark of hazelnut trees,
Spurious, sprite juncos scurry in vertigo,
Pecking, replete bouncing downy knees,
Grounded, tuft, constellation of Scorpio.

I’m sitting staring at faces so unfamiliar they don’t know me,

no stares no afflictions or brief awkwardness I am alone,

surrounded by souls that don’t know I exist,

please someone say hello,

someone needs to read my palms and tell me my lifeline in so that I know I’m needed,

I know what my worth could be but I need purpose to believe in because I’m struggling inside,

I feel like crying constantly in corners facing away from a society of glances from strangers,

I walk in circles and circles and circles trying to find direction for my future,

I’m being mislead by life’s curriculum and I feel like I’m above average in general miseducation,

I’m screaming silently help me!

I don’t want to deal anymore but I want to hold on if not for my sake then for those that need me more because I have to believe that in order to be,

How could you all not notice me, I’m yelling internally, I’m jumping and prancing in the bathroom away from everything not even staring me in the mirror,

I’m closing the doors before I open them so that I can never hurt again,

I’m avoiding chances and taking backward leaps to make sure that I can’t be touched, burned, or disturbed,

I’m going to find me first because I don’t know who the **** I am anymore,

I’m not even sure I ever knew which makes this challenge even harder,

I don’t even see it as a challenge because if I did the semantics would take over me,

I equate struggle and failure with success and greatness because I fail at all,

I’m reading my mind closer than ever before making sure I spell out my intentions to myself before I take one step out the door,

I feel as if I have OCD making sure that everything feels 100% right and if it isn’t I will not move,

I will not progress and maybe even digress to fix my missteps from prior years,

I don’t know where to go from here,

but I guess I’ll start with whistling and whispering in someone’s ear.