your idealization was questionable
your actions went on to prove my point
therefore I am not stunned by the
person you have become

as time passes and I heal
I end up more and more angry
looking back at the things I once

tolerated

and the places I once called

home

740 days
17760 hours
1065600 minutes
63936000 seconds

I knew I felt off
it was the day after
I should have known
I forgot...

It has been two years without you
you may not be the one I walk
down the aisle for -
but you'll be the story I tell
my daughter after her first heartbreak
the story of a girl I lost too soon

the easy choices are that.. easy
I like me when I am by myself
others do too whether they know it or not
It’s pretty often-
nearly everyday
I know that what I seek is from within
so I pull my search to a halt
I make the easy choices
“hey, we need to talk”
I like me when I am by myself
others do too

I'll never know if any of it was real
I do not feel like it was
I do not want to know
I do not know if being used
or fleeting sincerity is worse

sand crusted eyes and auburn tint hair
honeyeaters chirping outside the window
“you’re not the same bloke you used to be”
I feel a drenched wetsuit graze my face
“you just going to stare at me? get up!”
she opens all the living room windows as I stretch out upon the couch
the hardwood floors are lukewarm
I can smell the saltwater from here
I almost forgot what the horizon looked like
“grab your board, I want to show you a spot”
she said as she rushed out the front door
I could hear the pajero start from the kitchen
I scampered down the stairs and tossed my board on the upper racks
as we drove, we traced all the familiar roads
filled with the sweetest memories
the music faded in and out with small static in between- it felt almost feverish
we rolled to a stop on a questionable trail
she could see the confusion in my eyes but I knew I could trust her
we began the hike of what felt like forever
upon surfacing from the trees
I saw what I only thought I’d see in my dreams
so captivating- I stopped and stared
the sand felt like cloth and the water was flat
“all the legends start here”
she began running to the water and I trailed close behind
and for a split second we were 10 years old again
racing each other to the shore
she always won anyways-
we paddled far beyond the outside
the sun began to break the horizon
we sat and watched as it reflected on the water
I brushed my hand upon the surface
It was like touching a painting
I felt weightless
I closed my eyes
I could feel the warmth upon my skin

“I guess you’re a benny now”
“I guess I am”

there was a bit of silence that past-

“are you alright?”
“yeah, it’s just good to be home…”

you are like my hometown
I know every backroad-
the roads whisper from time to time
I'll walk down memory lane
with small smiles
"do you remember when-"
although that's all you are-
my hometown

everyone outgrows their hometown

"are you doing alright? I haven't heard from you in a while"
my mother texted me and I finally realized
when I enjoy my life - proud of the life I live
I capture it like it is the first time
text, photos, videos, phone calls
whether I have done it a million times or not
photos on trails and outlooks, the smallest good news,
phone calls that last for hours and hours
"hey mom! look at this! look what I did!"
sometimes even videos to pick out my outfits
others would say a bit naive
October rolled around and I realized
it only took two for me to no longer be proud
no text, no photos, no videos, or calls
I was no longer me

add it all to the list
I know I will
the
enlightenment -
the
demonization -
all the way to disgust
I am not as strong as I once was

Just like mom and dad
she was tired
she put on a smile
just like her parents
she cried quietly
drawing with pens of silver
not like her parents
finally herself
creating a level of hatred
that only she would have

only she could know

prized possessions

I know why the moon chases the earth
with the smallest rotations -
staying far but never quite moving on
the pull is just too strong to leave
waiting for an eclipse just so they can pass
each other one more time and remember
who they used to be

in one given moment
it all began to make sense
with your chosen words
I could see clearly what you wanted
it was all the precious pieces
it was repulsive but
looking now
I think it will be just fine

I realized I didn’t need to “loosen up”
I will greet you with a mouth full of barbed wire
until you learn to stop approaching me
with your hands
I am not a fantasy
and I am especially not yours
anger does not save
but boundaries do

"good morning pige"
with a soft kiss on my forehead
I opened my eyes to see you in uniform
ready to leave for work
4:47am
I closed my eyes for what felt like
a few minutes
6:51am
I put on my sweatshirt
and leashed sadie
I went to the kitchen
you brewed my tea...
I stepped out the back door
to the beach and felt myself melt
I haven't felt so safe
to be fully known and
truly loved

she smokes blue american spirits and has a tendencies for a few bar fights
her smile makes up for it though
a whole lot of attitude but even more heart
some would say a lover and a fighter
she goes quiet sometimes but
it just means she’s soaking in life
she loves her family, the beach, and quality time
all in a bittersweet way
she plays cold but the truth is told at nightfall
heart beating honest conversation
to show we are both strong

strong enough to love

covered in sweat
I plopped onto the hardwood floors
what felt like hundreds of boxes
all done in a few trips
small cobwebs in the kitchen
and dust in every corner
although daunting
there was you
and every day ahead of me
laid out like a golden brick road
a house
a dog and cat
a healthy life partner
all in a brand new city
I smiled
the first of many

last laughs have never been my guilty pleasure
but recently - I smirk
I did not wince
I do not know which I like more
I sat and read over the same words
ones that are hard to believe
not because I don’t believe you feel them
but because I know you felt that
way about yourself far before I came along
so recently - I smirk ,
I did not wince

I do not feel guilty

I did not wince

here

I have everything I will
ever need to live a life
that is just as precious
as the pages as this
book we have written together
called truth

here

I am from chipped beveled glass
from hand-me-downs and prideful hearts
I am from the burning cities of Perth
where art is a way of life and beaches are home
I am from a peaceless nights' sleep
with covered ears and whimpering cries
I am from closet thoughts
from the "what ifs" and "could nevers"
I am from the empty holidays
with lonely living rooms and booked flights

off season bearings
just by a month
not all things ripe have fallen
waiting just for you
beauty with every purpose
with no intentions of partaking
fresh stitches at every seam
you too only last for two
so we make the best of time
doused with laughter and sunburnt cheeks
didn't know spring could last a lifetime
two , two weeks of bloom--
and we're already half way through
the seasons don't deter the seeds we sow
with sunshine like her its endless
so we water with unknowing scythes
knowing that any season can be ours