Hear the same song, and feel it all again,
All the lumps in your throat,
And the tightening string around your heart,
Straining to keep it together,
The coarse twine scratching at your veins,
Binding the arteries that tried to burst.

Remember that line? When your fingers left mine,
So suddenly alone,
The bitter air taking taking your place,
Wrapping around my thumb,
Then dripping through my lungs,
Freezing the final words.

And if only you'd have stayed, what I tried to tell you,
Then you'd know,
All I needed was that promise we made,
To be kept to the end,
But friends before lovers never works out,
For better? No, always worse.

Summer shades,
Vibrant, free, proud,
Cascading down hillsides,
Bursting from earth,
To fill young minds with hope,
And show old eyes colour again,
Keep the wheel turning,
Keep the candle burning,
Once the summer breeze dies,
And autumn gales take their place,
Keep the flame lit,
Though some colours will die,
And petals will fall,
Leaves will take their place,
With their swan song in gold,
And a taste in the air,
A promise.

Now the long days begin
Reality takes over, reminding me
My life is unobserved,
To most of little
Consequence
And to me lacking
Direction
I don't know where
I'm going but my path
Is clearly marked so I
follow, unseeing
with wasted steps
in search of
some answer
or other.

I ran, I fled,
Fled from the light,
Lost? Yes lost,
To smoke and to night,
My lungs filled quick
With soot and black tide,
No sense, no senses,
No fear, just pride.

I choke, I cough,
On Judas' prize,
Gone? Yes gone,
The life in these eyes,
But here, I find,
Mortality denied,
No need for air,
Rebirth, not demise.

My chains, my rope,
Severed, frayed ends,
From family, from hearts,
No more I depend,
Alone, all mine,
For me to defend,
Black ribbons raise me,
Mercy descends.

Many years have passed
A host of dark dark nights
She was falling into despair
Cause she couldn't be
Who she wanted to be
And she was too scared to grow her hair
And as time went  by
She lived her lie
And learned to lock her feelings away
She was afraid and lost
Asking God
To take all her pain.

And he said:
"My child, you know I love you."
"You know I don't want you to fall apart."

He said:
"My child, I am with you."
"And I gave you the love in your heart."

He said:
"Daughter, my daughter."
"Your life is a work of art."
"So let them see."

She loved to quickly and fell too far,
Little care taken for that little heart,
Beating so strong, so furious still,
Though now limp and leaking,
Ripped and ragged
From one loss after
Another.

She tries to keep smiling just as before
But her lips were spat out again, onto the floor,
She followed then, soaked with rain and tears,
Her trust tackled,
Quivering, quarter-hearted,
And pulse fading so
Fast.

Shouting,
Chanting,
And the clashing shoulders,
Feet driving,
Heads smashing,
Passion high,
Determined rage,
Focused on one thing,
Keep pushing,
One more yard,
One foot,
An inch,
And down,
-
Release.

My breath hangs in the air,
A gathering of mist ahead of me,
Rolling off my face as I walk through it
The last few drops seem to trickle down my cheek
Leaving a trail of wind-bitten skin.

I rub my hands together and bury them in my coat
Blood runs back through my fingers, thawing them,
The sky is blue as my lips, trembling in the chill.

Autumn has taken her time,
Dragging her heels as she clung to the sleeve of Summer,
Begging him for one more hour together,
But now she is alone, her pale breath consumes the air,
Replacing it with wind as crisp as the leaves it blows down.

I created a world with my hand,
I built cities,
I grew people,
I gave hope,
I spread happiness,
I cultured love,
Then,
I got bored,
I killed,
I crushed dreams,
I severed bonds,
I inflicted pain,
I ruined lives,
But I loved every second.

Out into the dark
Keep clutching at empty space
And scrabbling for light

I have neglected my passion
For too long now,
Leaving in its place
Promises and deadlines
Which I never met,
Along with all the stress,
Chaos and energy that
Needed an outlet
In the form of some black pixels
On a screen curving themselves
Into stories, patterns, thoughts,
Dreams, hopes, rants and love tokens.
So now I return,
As a potter to the wheel
Or a pilot to the stick.
And from my rest I have
Gathered up swirls of madness
Anger and fear and
Mixed them with hope
Until they have some kind of
Honest message.

Leaning against the wall,
I imagined as bark,
The silence became,
The hush of leaves,
In lazy summer breezes,
The lonely air in my hands,
Became your fingers,
And the weight on my shoulders,
Became your head resting against me,
And your smile lightened my soul,
I let out a breath,
Which became a subtle kiss,
A soft promise to each other,
To you, my girl, I belong,
As my hair,
Which I imagined were longer,
Blew in the wind,
We held each other close,
Until in the lazy summer breezes,
We drifted to sleep,
Together.

Thirteen to four: Losing score.
We were going to take the world by storm.
She was an angel living in hell -
How high she took me, how far I fell.

I have to blame someone, otherwise it's all my fault.

Everybody lies - no exceptions,
Everybody talks behind your back,
Everybody leaves you in the end with your foot in the trap.

Life may be strange, but life's unfair,
And I can't even breathe through the smoke in the air.
To many "Oh wells", not enough care.

Just take me through,
Take me with you,
To the darkest depths of a black circle on my wall.

Don't leave me here,
Surrounded by fear,
All I can do is draw one more black circle on my wall:
One more lie.

Let's go back in time.

Don't cry,
They'll know,
Your makeup will run,
And they'll make fun,
Again.

Don't cry,
They'll see,
Your mask will break,
Tears wash it away,
Again.

Don't cry,
They'll hear,
And they always blame you,
"It's not what we do,"
Again.

Don't cry,
Not here.

Freedom tastes like a cold night,
A freshness,
A new way to live without light,
And above me stars,
Like angels whispered into being,
Guardians to keep me safe
And keep my heart beating
In time with my soul that I've searched for
And lost
That's been churned up and spat out and now I know the true cost
But that debt was paid
Long before I fought with the blade
Because the truth is
This pain was almost all self made
And by opening up to change
I'm not excusing the blame
Of the people who hurt me
Because the best way to get back at them
Is going back to being happy
So now I'm ready,
I'm not a little boy anymore,
I'm a girl trying to find my way to the surface
And I know that this
Won't be too easy
It takes more than long hair and silicone ******* to love my body
But it's a start and the first step along a storm-filled journey,
That will take me from boy to girl to a woman who's nearly thirty,
And I can't know right now
How many problems it'll solve
But one solution at a time
I can stay the execution in my head
Every time I saw my reflection until now it said:
"You're messed up, you faker, now go back to bed"
But now in that same mirror
I see the glimmer,
Of a figure I don't want to let go.
The light's returning
My heart is burning with a new flame
And a new name
And May Sara's gonna take this stage
And when she stands and sings her piece
It's about more than a show it's about a peaceful release,
A peaceful end,
A peaceful restart
A peaceful exit,
And a peaceful new part,
An act two, after an eventful beginning,
And you know what, this time,
Truth and love are winning.

The steady click of a pen
Punctuates the drone of
A teacher who thinks she gets us but
Loses our interest and focus until
We realise we don't understand because
We were too busy clicking our pens and
Writing poems.

Her eyes made me realise
How far I was away
When she called my name across the bay
And said, "You're going the wrong way"
I held my heart out,
I said, "You be the lighthouse,"
She said, "No, I don't want you to turn away."

She's not a lighthouse,
She's Ursa Minor A
Except she holds my hand
To remind me that
She's not 400 light-years away
When I'm lost at sea
She's leading me
Home.

Footsteps
Pounding the earth
Driving back
Against its never-ending spin
Wishing, urging
A half-spoken plea
To stop.
.
For just a second
Long enough to breathe
Without believing
We are wasting our time
With air.

I don't want to write another poem about your eyes
But every morning when you wake up
And let them drift open,
Is like a second sunrise
And every night,
As you fall into dreams,
I can just sit there for a while,
And hear as the very earth,
Breathes slow and rests with you.

So stay with me tonight,
In the dark, be my light,
And gently,
With but a whisper,
If at all,
May I repeat my worship
Of two glistening gasps of creation.

"It's just a cry for help."

A stricken vessel sends out its SOS,
Fires its flares, cries out "Mayday!"
As control is lost, the black waves taste their prey,
Reaching around the ship, gripping tight,
Dragging down the chunk of metal no longer fit for use.

Those on-board abandon a lost cause,
Flee into life-rafts, barely staying above the surface,
Leaving the captain alone, with no hope,
No crew, and no reply from beyond the storm-battered windows.

Perhaps someone was listening,
Maybe one rescue crew was close enough,
Or one ship heard the call,
Would they act? Yes.
Because they could be the only ones who can save a life.

When left with no hope, we cry for help,
Even if we don't believe anyone will come,
In whatever way we can,
Because someone might notice,
Someone might care,
Someone might save us.

"Just"* a cry for help?

Look in my eyes,
What do you see?
Come on, behind the lies,
Lies the true me.
Is there something in my gaze?
A haze, a dreaming
Just a teenager staring at space?
No! I'm screaming!
Don't you hear the cries
Rattling in my mind?
I'm helpless and hopeless
And lost - but defined and
Undermined by my own fear,
Holding hate near,
I want to rip off these clothes,
And shout "Yes! I am here!"
But I can't do that,
Can't let them see my faulty genes,
See these jeans and coats
Keep my mind off the fact
That every day I'm living,
I'm living like I act,
A part to play,
A play to show,
A show to stop
Me having to stand out,
For so long I fell foul
For so long it felt wrong
And now these howls
Of pain feel like a swan song
I'm falling, fallen, faded
Forgotten who I am
But when the spotlight turns off -

Breathe.
Sigh.

There's a word in my head,
But I can't quite get it out,
It won't make itself known,
As if,
Scared to be seen,
To even have a single eye,
Cast its fleeting gaze,
And even subliminally,
Comprehend.

A rush of wind down an ancient street,
Catches the folds of my dress,
Music captured from times now lost,
Floats between the carved beams.

I can feel the cobbles through my sandals,
And the heat on my covered shoulders,
Filtered between squashed-together roofs
Of pretty houses unchanged but for restoration.

There is no such thing as rush here,
The fastest pace is but a stroll,
Here getting anywhere is not the point,
Instead your eyes do the walking.

And now they wander across the flower baskets,
And the art and clothes shops,
That spill out onto the streets,
Bringing life to a tranquil town.

A hundred futures,
Laid out on the floor,
A million promises,
In a thousand pages,
Of far too many books,
And all a chance,
All a dream,
Nothing known,
Everything new,
Directions blur into one.

I look in the mirror
And draw what I see
Let my hand guide me
Let the graphite mark paper
Every line judged and precise
But yet emotion drives me
And spills into the sketch
Which forms slowly
And takes on life
Until finally
A self-portrait
That doesn't match
Anyone's expectations
Except mine.

There's a bite in the air,
And a taste of inspiration,
Clouds loom,
In dark song,
And the gentle pulse,
Of tired cars,
And streetlight spotlights,
To be my stage.

Stop,
Listen,
Time to shine.

The clouds rise
As smoke from the breath
Of frigid walls
That burn in the night.

The blue deepens
As water from the tears
Of fallen angels
That cry in the dark.

The world sleeps
As time in the hands
Of broken people
That wait
wait
wait
for change.

Seeing in the year,
Hair three times as long as the last,
Eyes a little brighter,
Smile a little wider,
A shirt that fits my frame,
Make-up not to hide behind but,
Instead,
To highlight,
To show off,
Who I am,
Who I have always been,
But until now,
Could never be seen,
Now, in a small room,
With a family around me,
And a few friends,
I am me.

To most,
It meant little,
Enough to sound elegant.

But only four,
Understood,
Truly how hard it was,
To rest my fingers on those keys,
Calm my frantic heart,
And dive into song.

The taste of truth,
On my tongue,
And the silver silk of sorrow,
That was tied around my wrists,
Fell to the concert hall floor.

In the arms of
Discordant fear
No relief is found
But fear pushes
Us away
Like a mother does a child
Though she knows
The child will
Hate her for it
She still chooses
To be alone
Over letting that child
Face harm
So do not hate fear
But welcome it's guidance
For fear is selfless
But life can hurt

If looks could ****,
Mirrors would be deadly.

If I saw this light from another angle
It would take upon a different shade
Where I have arrived now, I could only
Have got here from just one way.

It's okay to think "Why did that happen?"
"Why couldn't it have been easier for me?"
But we are the product of our trials and commitments
Are tested and strengthened through difficulty.

Dusk distracts my eyes,
As freely flows the blood,
As softly my head stirs the dark,
Draws in the night-stained,
Ink blots of sleep.

My voice will never,
Reach the heights I wish it would,
It will never allow me,
To convince without fail,
That my words,
Match my meaning,
For long enough to live.

I run away
so many        times and
reach out to           be who I am
to get a little         closer to the truth
closer to                         genuine smiles
that once shone                   from my lips
and for once be happy         but I always
end up having to       hide away and
so many times    I find myself
back         where I
started

I wonder do they see
The sadness in my eyes?
Does the pain show when I smile?
Or have I learned to hide?

I wonder do they feel
The brokenness in each breath?
The exhaustion that cannot be healed by sleep
Does it reach them in my sigh?

I wonder do they miss
The one I used to be?
Who didn't know the loss of living
Lies on top of lies.

This path we take, we follow,
Our feet between the potholes,
Half-filled with water,
Half-filled with mud.

The loose stones bite my soles,
And shift my weight away,
Half-over my ankle,
Half caught in time.

We're laughing, talking of things,
That shouldn't make us smile,
Half-crude, too much detail,
Half-rude, but meant in jest.

Sometimes, we break away,
From the pointless, from the fun,
Half-serious serious topics,
Half-broken broken hearts.

The sky is alight
Beauty flashes, falls and fades
Leaving only dust

It would have been easier,
If I had never met him,
It would have been easier,
If I'd known what he wanted,
It would have been easier,
To turn away before it was too late,
It would have been easier,
If I'd realised sooner,
It would have been easier,
If I'd given up then,
It would have been easier,
If I'd thrown it all away,
It would have been easier,
If I'd hated myself a little more,
It would have been easier,
If my life wasn't worth living,
It would have been easier,
To choose to end it then,
It would have been easier,
To seal my heart away,
It would have been easier,
To hide away my soul,
It would have been easier,
To lose everything,
It would have been easier,
To ignore the voice in my head,
It would have been easier,
To accept that I am who they say I am,
It would have been easier,
To refuse to believe I'm different,
It would have been easier,
But I'm glad I didn't,
I'm glad I kept going,
Because it's been harder,
But it's been worth it,
To know that I am now,
Who I want to be,
And to know now,
That I am loved,
And that I am still able to love now,
Despite it all,
It's been worth it.

Run to home
My four walls of white
The comfort and freedom
Of emptiness.

Settle down
In my old wooden bed
Let the memories flow
Ideas fill me.

Write them down
Then close my eyes
And drift from my four walls
To boundless dreams

Surrounded,
Flashes stain my vision,
Flames lap at my feet,
Burning,
Screaming:
Faster!
Faster!
Run!
So I do,
With blisters,
Shooting pain,
As I choke,
With soot on my breath,
And run.

An industrial fan drags my hair across my face
As I lean a little down to the slightly-too-short microphone
And with an audience of a few hundred
I begin my protest
Disguised as entertainment
They don't realise what I'm saying,
Not yet,
Not while they're learning the tune,
And my message is still building,
But now -
Now they hear the words
As my backing cuts off
And I am left naked in my beliefs
And I sing, with power
With certainty and hope
For a future I can't change yet
So I can make someone's now
Better.

The blur,
The whir,
The lights flashing past,
The trees, posts and shadows,
Speeding to my destined place,
Terminal - take all
Your belongings
Lest you lose them for good,
Next station,
Last station,
Take me there.

The fire is growing, there's smoke in the air,
The blood is flowing, filling your stare,
Come on, let's go, before it's too late,
Don't leave me here, we both can escape,
That look, I see, your foolish demise,
You'd burn to the ground, the ultimate prize?
You've waited too long! This will not end well!
Come on then, Dorian! I'll meet you in hell!

No formula but instinct,
No instinct 'till inspired
The words which were a waste
I'd dedicate them to the fire
I asked for no commission,
My mission self-acquired,
To document my ambling,
Through this life 'till I retire,
And in typing up my days,
I found new ways were required,
To describe the very details,
Of the details I desired,
To paint a perfect picture,
Needs time to restyle,
But my words are rough,
And that's enough to sketch a meaning higher,
Than any pure or filtered words,
I leave them unrefined,
Waste is left behind, indeed,
But the product's graced with spines,
I question all, leave none untouched,
When I dive into your minds,
I see past the deception,
I speak out and shout your lies,
Sure, I write of all things beautiful,
Of love, of all things nice,
But make no mistake, this girl will make,
Her words stand for light.

Go on, go up,
Our lives in your hands,
Carry our memories,
Our long-faded dreams,
Take them further,
Than we could climb alone.

Ascend then,
Without fear,
Be bold, be strong,
Despite the dark,
And the burden of our past,
We rest our hopes on you,
To preserve our lives,
Our history, our truth,
For generations hence.

Our warrior,
Our soldier,
Our mascot,
Our survivor.

Killed,
Life destroyed twice,
By the same action,
At different times,
But crushed,
Once again,
With the fear,
Of revelation,
Until,
Cast,
Out,
By,
Love.

Nights are worth no more to me,
Than I am within them,
No shadow nor moonlight,
Can shake me to sleep.

For in the forgotten corner of some,
White-walled room,
No life, nor light,
Can reach me in my

shallow writhing, running from my,
Own demons, with
No mercy, nor rest,
To give me even a chance.

Am I afraid?
Or just looking for an excuse,
To be someone else,
Someone stronger,
Braver,
Able to face up to,
Face up against,
The hand of hardship,
Ignore hate within,
And escape from,
Fear of herself.