I don’t wear the ring anymore
But I kept it
It reminds me of destructive youth
Of broken promises
Believed lies
Long nights
A circle of fights

You may not understand
Why it sits in my dresser
Pushed around
Sinking further and further to the bottom
Used and tossed aside

But I will tell you why
Because it’s a symbol of what I was to you
And I never want to forget that
Even if you forgot that.

The one who did very little & the one who did it all
Had one thing in common
The girl who made each feel like he was not enough

I'm humbled by the storm
It's a reminder that I am not in complete control,
That there are forces that shape my destiny
And outcomes in which I do not plan for.
I close my eyes listening to the pitter patter on my porch
And check in on the water flow that fills the trenches.
I surrender to Mother Nature and bend to her will,
I am grateful for this magnificent life I am blessed to live.

Your silence had me running
Fearing I may find an abandoned apartment when I reached your address.
Flashing images of our nights in your kitchen,
Our passionate moments on your counters and against your furnishings,
Our bare feet caressing each other,
Our ideas floating through the air,
Your hands holding me so tight,
The way you love to make me laugh and play your little games with my mind like children,
Your playful touch across my skin,
Your eyes as you watch me gaze off into that place that I often visit in my mind. But I still see you....
I was afraid to find you gone

I reached your doorstep
My hair drenched from the rain
My breath heavy
My nose wet and cold,
Hands shaking, finding the most difficulty knocking on your door
Which sounded more like pounding...
Hardly moments went by and you opened.
I leaped into your arms and wept
You stood there, warm as I had ever felt,
Stronger than I ever realized I admired so much
You asked about my troubles and I could not speak...
I had so much courage to run here and beg you to stay,
Convince you that I need you with me,
I thought of scenarios to try and make you believe that leaving would be the worst mistake...
But now that I face you, I am weak. I am voiceless.
I crave to never let you go and tell you how much I want you here, but I can't.
I know that you leaving means a better life for yourself
And that holding you back would be the most selfish act,
And that you would never forgive me for it.
But most of all, I fear that if I confessed all of my troubled mind to you- you would still decide to leave. And in facing that, I may just come apart and never recover.

I know this ache
This persistent migraine
I’ve always known it’s the memory of you
Trying to escape
Looking for a way out
Pounding on left side of my brain
Familiar patterns of banging
Driving me utterly insane
DON’T CONSUME WITH ALCOHOL the bottle said
I closed my eyes and downed that champagne
Anything to **** the memory of you
In my heart and my upper domain

If we were all individually perfect
Then we wouldn't need each other

Your kisses
Are all over my brain
I think of them and I think of you
Suddenly, I can think straight

I think of your hands
How they caress me and embrace me
They force me to do things that I love to do
That I know you love too
They don't let go
And I never want you to

...I'm coming over.

I laid in his fake world for hours
Eyes wide open, watching the ceiling
Escaping my own world, my own little demons
I was compelled by that feeling
Fingers on the walls
Just to know that this is real
Faded like dust, floating from place to place
A tupperware world I consented to be concealed
Brightness turned to night
I watched my world crumble from inside that plastic
The most serene feeling
Was actually rather tragic

Nobody knows you
Nobody knows us
Because there was never an us at daylight
We were no more than that night
When I told you everything
Things I never knew I hadn’t said
Secrets I didn’t realize I’d been hiding
And you fed me your heart
Poured out your history to relate to mine
And we became one book with our story
Our words seeped into each others skin
And faded into the wooden planks on the walls
And beams on the ceiling
Sheltering that moment, protecting the purity
Something about you compelled me to talk
Something inside of me forced me to listen
5am came and you were gone
6:30 past and I was gone
We’re out here in this big world alone
But I know you’re not alone because part of you is with me
And I’m not alone because part of me is forever with you

You asked me to listen
But all I see are your lips moving
All I think of is your tongue
The places I would rather it be right now
Shhh. Shut up, I'm listening..
To my own thoughts.

One single word
One individual thought
One run-on sentence
One simple sigh
One delicate touch
One dark feeling
One fragile moment
One broken memory
One piece of my soul
One fragment of my being...

I could finally feel whole.

They told me not to wait for you
And I forgot to breathe
I waited like a waiter and I'm still waiting
I catered and excused you
And I'm still being used
I can't let go
I can't say no

They told me not to wait for you
To change, to show up, to love me
Don't hold your breath, they said
But here I am because I forget to breathe

Tears are worthless
What will they get me?
I'll still feel the pain
I'll still remain empty.
I'll still wake up in this place
I'll still have these memories
So just tell me please,
Where will crying get me?

I'll still be the same person
That you always have seen
It will have no life changing effect
On the person that I will be.
The process of crying
Won't make me happy
And the sorrow will return
It always does eventually.

So it seems as though
Your release is a useless hobby
That isn't very helpful
In maintaining reality.
So if you know the answer
Then you can resolve my questioning
Tears are worthless
What will crying gain me?

You say "I love you"
Because that's what my necklace says
And you just read it to me.

You say "I love you"
When you're drunk with your arms around me
And we wander the streets at night.

You say "I love you"
With laughter in your voice
When I make you laugh until it hurts.

You say "I love you"
When you confess your secrets to me
And I am here to listen and help you through what you're feeling.

Why do you do that to me?

Out of all subjects of love my dear,
You are my favorite.

I still hear your voice in my ear late at night
I sometimes feel your lips against my lips
Your fingers gently massaging between my legs,
Your waist pressed against my hips

I'm half asleep feeling your presence
Drifting towards you through your whisper
Somewhere in between my reality and my dreams
You seem to always linger

I was a doll to you
Collecting dust on your shelf
Sitting pretty all day, watching you
Smiling. Happy to be yours.

I was just a trophy
An item you collected and were proud to win
Amongst your other gold medals I stood
I felt like an important milestone in your life
Until the moment I started to feel like just another piece of plastic

My happiest moments with you
Are when we're together in my dreams
Please let me go so I may be with you there
Here as I face you, you can't stand me.
The man I once fell for held me with passion
To this day he's gentle with his touch
I wake up to you and encounter a wreckage,
A combination of hatred and lust.

This pattern... These signs,
I've seen them before
Didn't I JUST go through this
Twice before?
Didn't I JUST leave someone
Who was exactly the same
And I told myself I wouldn't ever
Let myself fall again for that game...
Didn't I just become single?
And didn't I cry on my pillow for weeks?
Because I turned out to be less to someone else
Than what he was to me...
And didn't I just pick myself back up
And for what? To fall again?
Girl, get you're head on straight-
You're way better than these men!
They play these games with your head
And they will do nothing but burn you
You tell yourself each one of them is different
But that has yet to be true.
You give them chance after chance
And they take you for granted
They misuse your kindness and your love and
Chasing after their truth leaves you distracted.
You don't need another heart break right now
Leave this guy fast!
You will regret it if you don't
Just like the last.

So little does the outside world see
Of the girl that I know to be me
Of the girl who seems perfect in every way
Who appears so flawless and in such array

So little does the outside person know
That I too fight demons that do not show
That I do see myself in the mirror and want to cry
Because the girl I see is not who you see outside
The girl that I see is messy and lost
She struggles with self image whether you believe that or not
She chooses actions carefully although they seem so effortless
Her insecure comments and remarks are heard as cleverness
Although her love runs deep, his love will always run shallow
And he toys with her emotions because she is young and she is callow

But so little does the outside world know of her soul
Because as she appears is not the story at all.

I always find the good in you
Even when I don't want to find you at all

What if I told you the pain was heavier than the pleasure

Would you still find a gem in my soul to treasure?

If I told you I feel darkness within me when I wake

Would you still choose me every day?

If the blood that ran through my veins was cold and could freeze you

Would you still hold me as tight as you do?

If I pushed you away and got lost in time

Would you find me and save me from my own mind?

Yea, he makes me laugh all day
And his eyes are happy to see me
His hands so quickly reach for mine
When I lay on him his heart beats rapidly.
He sends me texts that say "I miss you"
He forgives me for abandoning him
A few months ago when I was reckless
He holds me like I never left.
He brings me to old places
He lets me nap in his bed
He trusts me with his secrets at night
He willingly lets me into his head.
I see nothing wrong with him, except
He needs love and I can't give that
I have no doubt that he can wait patiently
But I'm afraid I won't ever have it back.
I'm sure I'll look back on this poem one day
And smile to remember him
Sitting alone in my thoughts at home
Dreaming of what it could have been.

I want to be one with you.
Like a flower rising each day
Extending its leafy arms to the universe
Chin aimed high, hair flowing with the breeze,
And when you pick me I wish to remain in your hands until you take your last breath.
Pick me and I will thrive within your palms
I will not shrivel like the rest.
My roots will find a way into your heart
And there I will find peace.
I will find goodness and wholesomeness,
And you should see me every day and smile.
I will bring you hope.
I will bring you happiness.
I can imagine that this is what it would feel like to be one with you.

Part of freeing him
Was leaving him
And there was no easy way
There was only the inevitable outcome of breaking his heart

I did not walk
I was dragged through this valley
With her
A shadow of death
Though I do not fear the outcome
I fear this journey.

I'm finally free from your torture
Released from your emotional roller coaster
Your emotional chains that restrained me
Yet you had no idea you had done it
You don't know what it was like...

Every second was an ache
Every breath I had was for you
Every piece of me needed you
I survived off of the idea of you
Yet you were nowhere within miles
Every song on the radio teased me
I always thought you may be thinking of me
You don't know what it was like...

Literally every fiber in my being called your name
Every street sign, every dream..
It was unbearable. It was unfathomable.

All I wanted was to escape but I didn't know how
All I wanted was you, but I didn't really want you
I just wanted you to love me
The way you promised you would
The way I imagined it could be
The way I had always read about as a little girl
The way they showed me it should be in the movies
The way you swore it could be...

And even though I forgave you, I still craved you
In this way...
For the longest time
What felt like years in your restraints
I wasted so much time wrapped up in you.
You were impossible to get over

But I can't explain just how good it feels to have my mind back
To feel my soul again
With the freedom to love
How great it feels to own my life back!

You group circumstances together as one whole
While I separate them all out
You see people as black and white (metaphorically)
While I give each the benefit of the doubt

I see grey in a colorful world
While you see what you desire most
Two beautiful individual people, is who we are
Who were raised on opposite coasts

While you've seen the light and the dark
For the most part you've lived good
While I too have seen the light and the dark
For the most part I've lived misunderstood

We collide and we crash
Because our minds work in different ways
And all I really want is for you to fight to be here
Every time I push you away

Can't you see that I just want your hand?
There's not another soul that I'm tied to more...
I often wish you would just hold me in these times
Rather than erupting another war.

I remember you
Not from a moment that I can recall
But from a past encounter somewhere deep in our history
Possibly we knew each other in a different time.

I want the kind of love from you that makes me question every thing I thought I knew about love. The kind that makes you realize that you've never felt something so real and pure.

I want to know you better than anyone has ever known you. I want to know what makes you cry and what your first thought is when you wake up. Before you even open your eyes. I want you to wake me up at 3am just to tell me an idea you have.

I want to hear about your worst day and what would make a perfect one. I want to know what you see when you look in the mirror and if you've ever felt guilt that made you question yourself.

I want to relive your happiest moments with you. I want to understand your sadness and listen to your voice change as you relive your past experiences.

I want you to feel vulnerable with me and be okay with it. Because I want you to trust me enough with your deepest thoughts and feelings. Take me somewhere emotionally that you've never taken another woman.

And in return, I will give you the same. I believe in that moment we will have found something untouchable. Unimaginable. And unexplainable.

It used to hurt... Letting go...
But I guess I've become numb to it,
When u say goodbye to love so much
You kind of just get used to it.
I can't let myself keep taking the hit
For another runaway love
I allow myself the day to cry,
Then the next day to adjust.
I'll drown myself intentionally
In the sadness of my thoughts
For one day I am depressed,
So the next I may move on.
Time may heal the sadness
But my mind must endure the torture
I see us and our memories
Playing over and over.
In my dreams when I'm sleeping
I see us in a fantasy world
Where you stay in love with me forever
And I get to be your girl.
A life we may never live fully,
So I'll just have to make do
But I must admit I'm a little upset
For falling so deeply in love with you.
You caught me off guard with your piercing eyes
And with that look that you gave me,
I had never felt so naked in public
As you stared right through me.
Little by little you stole my heart
With every deliberate move you made,
I so quickly embraced you,
Not thinking about being afraid.
I tried not to think of the end,
I hoped there wouldn't be one
Even though realistically I knew
I would eventually lose someone.
Truth is I hoped it wouldn't be you
I was kind of thinking we had a chance
Was I wrong to risk it all
And fall in love at first glance..?

He was my light
In my world of haze
In this town I ran and ran, desperate for a way out
In this fancy house that echoes when I breathe  
In this life where I sold my soul searching for love
And then there was you

She was my light
In my world of midnight
In my city smothered by smoke
In this crack house barely standing on Grand Ave
In this life where I hustled because love is for fools
But then there was you

He splashed my brain with *******
She cracked through my barrier with her purity
He filled my days with something real, something I could touch
She stayed for laughter, she stayed for love
We collided and we became a dominate force.

I waved to the girl in the mirror this morning and she turned away
I suppose she's sick of me, sick of my *******
I don't blame her. I'm sick of my **** too.

I smiled at the girl in the mirror today and she flashed a little smirk
My smile grew two sizes.  It looked like hope.

I said good night to the girl in the mirror tonight and she cried.
Tear by tear I watched her yell at me to go away, but I couldn't so I turned off the light and stayed with her.

I blew a kiss to the girl in the mirror this morning and she caught it with her hand
She rolled her eyes
And she stepped on my kiss with her heals

Can you not be such a reflection

It takes the most courage to love again
And again and again and again.

And each time you fall deeper
And each time you come out cleaner.

I know in this moment I want to be in love with you. Let your guard crash down like waves and come build a fortress with me. You need a home. We can build one together. Your walls and my walls on their own will never protect us. Help me protect you and love me unconditionally.

I let him in. I soaked all of him in. I felt the love in my heart and the obsession on my skin.

I felt his heart seep into me. I let him take hold of me. He told me I could let go, that he would always catch me.

I believed a man whose words were softer than clouds. His love spoke aloud. He tied me blind folded to a chair from the neck down.

I trusted him more than I knew I had. I thought I was so deeply in love with this man. And yet he never seemed to love me back.

After all, what is a love that abuses your soul. That rapes you of the truth and leaves you un-whole. A love that steals your warmth as you lay cold.

You believe you are smarter than I. For fooling me so many times. For cheating your way through this innocent heart of mine. You ran through me with knives and escaped out the other side. Untouched, unaffected, invincible.

I am ashamed that I was so easily fooled. That I thought you as loving, but you turned out to be cruel.

You were an artist indeed, but your instrument is not your own. You play off of others and yet they do not know. The true artwork is in the end result. When you walked away and I became the stronger individual.

No selfish decisions.
Don't love. Think about your daughter.
How will this affect her. How will she take it.
You do not have the freedom to choose where you go because you must think of her first. You do not have the freedom to fall in love because she may not approve.

No selfish decisions.
No matter how terrible her father treats you, you grin and bear. Because you do not have the right to behave in any other manor. You are being watched. And even though he tells her that you keep her away and that you are a terrible person, you cannot show anything but compassion because you are an example. You teach her compassion and you must practice what you preach.

No selfish decisions.
Time to yourself? What for? You chose the life you have. So live it. Every day. You chose this path so keep you're wits about you. Give her the life she deserves and work every day to make sure she has it. Don't let her go a day unhappy or a moment without, because you want a break.

Don't be selfish. This is not your life you're living for.   It's hers.

Finally home!!
I need a glass of wine. Right now please
I don’t want to be told no or that I shouldn’t
I’m having a glass. Don’t interrupt me.

She fell.
    And she fell.
            And she fell

And each time she fell, it became harder and harder to stand back up.
But somehow she did. Each time.

And then one day she was carried.

She was lifted off the ground and was no longer in pain.
She was no longer worried about healing.
She saw new lights and could touch the clouds.
She felt love growing and it did not burn.

It was not jealous or boastful.
It was not envious or overbearing.
It was pure.
It was modest.
It was better than a gift because it was a seed. She had to make it something special and it was not instant gratification.
And she didn't realize this at first. But she has realized it now since the last time she fell and that is all that matters now.

She was the heaven and the earth
She was beautiful
Everything strong that I could not be
But she left me

She was the ocean and the shore
She was security
Understanding in a way I didn't know how to be
Then she left me

She told me one day she would disappear
And she finally did
I wonder where she went and who she found now

Is she everything beautiful still
Is she still just as strong
I wonder if I ever cross her mind

So absent,
Your presence is fading
The End of us is calling
I can almost see it ahead waving

The finish line draws nearer
Through the dust and the fog
Your future dangling just beyond
I watch you, as you continue on

The present chains my ankles
And you do not turn back for my hand
Almost as if you expect I'm right behind you
But you just don't understand...

I hear you calling for me
But you've run too far for me to see
You couldn't wait to get what you wanted
And where you wanted to be...

And now you stand there alone
And I'm here alone too
Surrounded by this heavy damp fog
That neither one of us can get through.