Every word is a brick
Fortifying the border
I cannot afford but alas
It'll help keep order

Everything in me is screaming
"Don't block us out, fix us instead"
Not realizing this is directed at me
I drain thoughts from my head

These ideas need controlling
Not roped in like a bull
Don't **** it off and leave
Grab the horns and fight the pull

Then maybe this wall
Will crumble and fall

And I might actually be ok

Every collection of pixels
Programmed onto the screen
Every line of sulphur
Etched into scraps of dead trees

I still can't make my hands big enough
To grasp the relationships I always crave
My tongue is no match for my hands
And not even the way that I need to behave

I just always left lust behind
In the pursuit of emotional connections
Now this empty bed plagues my dreams
And what's on the nightstand? Rejection

But definitions have become twisted
My love is still compared to the first
And now my throat knows of no other
It always has this ******* thirst

Can lust finally catch up to me?
Is that a bad subject for my pleas?

It's hard to tell
If I should feel hatred towards anything
Should I start from the beginning?
Would that help?

Should I be mad towards my parents
For loving one another but apparently not enough?
There are infinite definitions of the emotion love
Who am I to judge their past intent?

Should I be mad towards myself
For halting the progress they both worked towards?
They would both tell me with conviction that those words
Are just bad for my mental health

Should I be mad towards the world
For ******* my life into where I am now?
My happiness has elevated past the highest cloud
My smile never curls downward

Should I be mad towards the past
For constantly occupying my entire thought process?
It never helps to dwell on mistakes and losses
Even if they pile up way too fast

Should I be mad towards the present
For shifting my actions without my permission?
I can't always see today as an inescapable prison
Though it's difficult to live in the moment

Should I be mad towards the future
For making me question and doubt everything?
People have died having that way of thinking
I will too if I continue, I'm sure

I feel the need to have hatred
Towards literally anything I can find
But my life's perfect in my own mind
Clearly, by what you've just read

So what was the point of this?
Probably to bring out my inner neautralness

Self-esteem has never been
A strong suit of mine
Either I have too much or not enough
Wait
The right definition is hard to find

But I'd rather constantly question
My worth to the rest of the universe
Than struggle with the digestion
That no one wants me to be heard

So I write, I yell, I scream
Rhyme literally everything
And crack jokes so I never take myself seriously

So I never have a case of froideur

When I was a young boy
Alive and well in the north
I was always quite annoyed
By the silence brought forth

From the graveyard down the street
And the weights tied to my feet

When I was a young man
Broken but happy in the south
My future was devoid of plans
By the silence from my mouth

Protecting my feelings from others
Always trying not to be a bother

When I become who I aspire to be
The man that can be loved without fear
Will the past come back to haunt me?
Destroy all the people I hold dear?

I'll silence every doubt in my heart
After all, I've known silence from the start

This keyboard has never felt more like home
When it bridges the 500 miles between us
I use to be so confident behind my vocabulary
But now these notebooks are all gathering dust

Repetition is my only skill now
But it's the only thing you're used to
I want to show you the secrets I hide
But I guess I don't know them too

I don't care if the time of year is coincidental
To the way I'm trying to change who I am
I still have to fulfill the promise I made
To improve this ******* I built with these two hands

I'm done questioning myself and my motives
They're what brought me to this point in time
The world's going to need a new pair of pants
After my body's clock has it's last chime

Lost friends and family scar me
Destroying walls and replacing them
Dwelling on the past is unhealthy
But so is picking up this ******* pen

So many lives are better
Because of my presence
The mistress I desire, I cannot get her
Fearful of the thought of my absence

My shoulders strain with the weight
Of the lives I vowed to care for
Happiness always seems to dissipate
When loved ones are left behind locked doors

My life needs to be my priority
My emotions in front of my needs
So no one tries to show me pity
And I'm not left to cry and plead

Appreciation and love is all I can give
I will hold you dear and not change
Our closeness in this old life I live
No matter the distance or vocal range