October 25 2017
23:32

I am excited for what is to come
I cannot wait for the weaknesses I will overcome
I am looking forward to challenges
I am ever so grateful of the strengths that will root from my weaknesses

I cannot wait to travel alone
I cannot wait to move far away from home
I listen to the old songs I like
I look forward to how travelling and leaving alone feels like

Away from everything that is going to harm me
Away from everyone that has an effect on me
Away from the chaos, noise and wildness
The organized wilderness I reminisced

I picture myself playing the guitar
I look forward to flowers and butterflies I will encounter
In the garden, I will have tons of photos taken
I love this feeling and I'm never mistaken.

I love the risks, the challenges my soon-to-be experiences will give
I bet, I'll have tons of things to ponder
I love how things will try to shake me
I love how I will resist each shake and stand up loud and proud

I love it that I look forward to Friday just to watch a movie
I look forward to watching Underworld: The Blood Wars
The next line is not gonna rhyme with "wars"
I do not care, let's start a war, then.

I think of the future
I think of how positive and negative I can be
I cherish the optimism I find in my pessimism
I'm forever mesmerized by whatever is yet to come.

October 25 2017
20:40

Little by little
I can now accept
I should not win a hurdle
I should just take a step

Little by little
I can now accept
The mistakes I make
They should not be baked

Little by little
I can now accept
I cannot change the things I already made
But I can make the present better for my sake

Little by little
I can now accept
I can change the course of my life for the best
I just have to look back and learn from my past

Little by little
I can now accept
1 + 0 has 1 as the sum
I am unique, oh, how perfectly imperfect I am!

Little by little
I can now accept
How better I am today
There is no way that I could be worse than yesterday

October 20 2017

When I see you
All I could think about is you
When I see you
I hope that what I imagine for us becomes true
I hold you dear in my heart
I pray to God that you will see me in your heart
I pray everyday that someday you will think of me
I pray that you will find me, and stay with me eventually
I do not display my affection
But I want you to know of my affection
Tell me what I can do to make you notice me
Give me a hint that someday you will like me, too
I joke about how I feel about you
Your pictures motivate me to go and find you
This is not yet love but somewhere between admiration and affection
No. This is not lust or love
Again, what I feel about you is between admiration and affection
If in the future you will like someone
In gender, in beliefs, I hope it is not a girl like me
It would definitely be acceptable if you will like someone like you
At least I know that in you, there is fluidity
And what I hear from everyone is true.

October 20 2017
22:50

It never went
You just didn't stay
It's not my habit to hold on to anyone's kite
Especially when you don't hold on with all your might
I choose to show what I want to be
I choose to hide the feelings as it should be
Now, do not message me and make me reply
Just so that you will have the last goodbye
Talk to me when you are sober
I will accept if you will message me after forever
It is up to you to go or stay
Just so that you will have the last goodbye
You do not make any sense
I do not have time to process
I do not mind being left behind
I just stay for those who do not leave me behind
This is for everyone who has ever left me behind
Songs are meant to show or hide
Songs are meant to either say "hi" or "goodbye"
Songs I listen to may not mean anything
Do not go saying that it is what I want you to be doing
I do not speak in verbatim
I hide my words in poems
Think what you want
Say what you want
I will hide my words just the same
Interpret this however you like
It will still be a pantomime.

October 19 2017
22:49

She does not belong to anyone
Silence is what she will become
People come and go
People live and die
Mortality becomes reality
Aged mortal is what we will all become
Crave of freedom imprisons her
She glows in the chaos more than ever
A candle keeps burning in her mind
The songs do not make sense anymore
Off they go to nonsense
She writes to entice her appetite
The crave of peace in silence dies
She manages her silence
She works to keep calm and guard her existence
She writes of herself and no one else
She competes with herself and no one else
She blabbers writing until the candle dies
The wind says goodbye
The winter bliss says, "Hi."
The cold October passes by
Here comes the promise of a better November
December can be found at the end of the river
Just right after the eleventh plate number
This writing makes no sense
She thinks, that, maybe, in reality, she is really dense
She thinks nothing but her existence
She would rather be sole than double
She craves her mind, body and soul
Hoping for the 3-in-1 to be a certainty
She is on the verge of shouting
She envisions herself suffocating
The words do not come out right
Even Tori Amos cannot say things right
She checked her clock at 10:52
This happened just out of the blue
The coincidence now frightens her
She makes the words of Brandon Boyd void
She is talking nonsense
Just trying to make every line of the stanza rhyme
Alternate, or consecutive rhyming
It does not matter as long as the lines rhyme
"Nice to Know You" now plays
She craves to change the settings to replays
She forgets that she listens to somebody else's playlist
She thinks that the playlist embodies her being
She finally decides to stop her writing.
Goodnight.
Be plain in sight.
She will not be delighted.
She will be enlightened.
She accepts it before it happens.
Stay or go.
Live or die.
Hot or cold.
Remember everything.
Remember why.

October 17 2017
16:32

I need to rest
Rest is what I need to do the rest
I don't want to be reckless
I just want my output to be the best

I just need to be alone
Being alone is what I want for my skills to be honed
Being alone does not mean I'm lonely
Being alone is tattooed on my bones.

I just need to be quiet
I just want to speak with people I need to speak with
Right now, I do not want to speak with other people except those that I need to speak with
All I want is for those people to accept my decision to be quiet

I just need a break from everything
I just want to be with myself
I just want to linger in my silence and aloneness
I just want to listen to myself and no one else

October 17 2017
16:16

Okay, it's funny that I listen to songs
and I don't know where each of the songs belong
Been listening to the same album since last night
The message of every song is not plain in sight
Came to like some songs in the album
The melody talks to me with delight
I like how the singer sometimes talks in verbatim
The lyrics are different, but the melody speaks with delight
I got inspired to listen to this album
It could be the CD that I did not buy in the aquarium
I just used "aquarium" because it rhymes with "album"
Here are my favorites - "Happy Ending", "Don't Tell Me", "He Wasn't"
But I fell in love with the song, "How Does It Feel?"...
I knock on your door, but "Nobody's Home"

October 25 2008
11:25 AM

Verse 1:
There's a good chance for me to stay
But, there's a better chance if you would say
Do you like me? Adore me?
Now tell me, 'cause I don't get you...

Refrain 1:
The times we spent together
Felt so right
Now, tell me if you like me
You make me bright...

Chorus:
You're such a waste of time
I'm always left behind
Don't let this heart be entwined
('cause) I'll love you every time
I'll let you go, but I'll let you know...
I don't want to waste my time.

Verse 2:
Now, you told me that you like me
that you care for me and you'll wait for me
I'm ready... where are you?
Don't tell me, 'cause I don't get you...

Refrain 2:
The times we spent together
looked so bright
And, now you like me,
Did I hear it right?

(Repeat Chorus, except last 2 lines)

Bridge:
Don't bother to explain
I won't hear a single thing
Don't try to give a ****
I'll be numb, and make you dumb
Don't tell me I won't hear it
You just taught me how to be like this...

(Repeat Chorus, till fade...)

October 19 2008
23:55

Verse 1:
You are not aware the day you caught my eyes
You are not aware every time I cry
Do you still remember me?

Verse 2:
Oh, yes, I know it was a long time ago
Yeah, I know
You're with someone else, Oh...

Refrain:
Now/But, I feel guilty
Feeling so sorry
Why can't we be?

Chorus:
The first dance seemed to be our last
The song that was playing still trapped in time
Will I ever gonna see you in front of me?

Bridge:
How to make that song last forever? (last forever)
and how can I get you back,
For us to dance forever?

Refrain 2:
But still feeling empty
For myself, "so sorry"
Why can't we be?

October 13 2008
08:48 AM

verse 1-verse 2-refrain-chorus-verse 3-verse 4-refrain-chorus-bridge-chorus

Verse 1
Don't go, don't go
You can just be happy
Stay with me
Don't care about her anymore

Verse 2
I know and you know
That she's just too selfish
Stay with me
I'll love you all the more

Verse 3
Stay near, stay close
You never have to wonder
Why you shouldn't
Give her a **** anymore

Verse 4
It's okay and it's fine
If you think she's worth it
If you fall
I'll catch you from behind

Refrain:
I see her, crying over you
If she comes to you/If she lies to you
Will you ever be through?... oohh

Chorus:
And you know that I like/love you
Even if your world is all her now
You don't know that I miss you
Every time I walk out through the door
What did you do to me?
What did you do to me?

Bridge:
Time is wasting
My love is wasted (love is wasted)
I've been busted
and you still love her
all the way... yeah!

October 9 2017

Thank you for helping me out when I was in AU
I received support from everyone in the team
However, I was more comfortable reaching out to you

Thank you for providing support to me when I was in Naga
You were very generous of your time and effort
If it were not for you, all I know is Nada

I always admire your talent and creativity
All I want for you is good health, success and great opportunities
You are the salt in the dishes
Truly, you provide completeness

October 15 2017
12:58 PM

There he goes...
He wants to stride to the sky open wide
He wants to be happy, still but the same
His heart dead flat in silence and revelry
Recover, he wants to make his heart better
He feels okay now, he feels regretful, but forward, he moves
He cries, at least his heart is the only thing that can verbalize
Still, he believes that humans are good
Corrupted, maybe, just maybe, of good things yet to come
Pursuit of happiness is what only lies ahead
For life is so short to be wasted, so move ahead
The clouds parted
The bad dies, the good surrenders
Be happy, sit still
Hold your heart dearly, do not let the departed make it weary
Good is acceptance, move forward
Do not be consumed by the hatred... do not fail to worry
Worry of the future that is yet to come
Prepare your heart for what is to come
For when the good dreams succumb
Your happiness is what only surrenders
For nothing fights better than the pretenders

October 11, 2017
10 AM

Take me to the sea
The calmness, sometimes tumultuous waters, I want to see
Envelope me with its waves
Jump with me, let's welcome the waves
Blue is the color or sadness
Green is the nature of freshness
Emerald green is the color of material things
Light blue, different shades of beings
These are the colors I want to see
The colors that the sky reflects abundantly
The tides go high and low
The waves move fast and slow
I want to swim against the tide
I sometimes want to walk, even stride
Wait, I do not know how to swim
But I want to give in to this very wim
Just look at the birds
Flying above the sand
Crossing seas, rivers, and oceans
Kiss my skin with the warmness of the sun
Embrace me with sea salt and give me a tan
The color of life, activity and fun
Squeeze some lemon on my hair
Rub it, have the sun penetrate every hair strand
It will give life to jet black fiber
Just enough to give me a sunshower
Let's raft together and cross the other side
Under the bridge, across the big wide sky
Oh, please...
Take me to the sea
Let's watch the sunrise, sunset
It will cause this fatigue, its demise.

October 10 2017
9:52 AM

The constant smirk on her face
The laugh lines that go deeper and deeper each day
The shallowness and darkness of her eyes
The obscure, unidentifiable feeling that envelopes her being
Metabolism is slower now
Sleepless nights cannot be handled just as much
Energy diminishes
She feels that everyday, she tarnishes
Buckles are no longer shiny
Feet walk toward the goals but not to her existence
Wait, she does not feel lonely
She just feels constant fatigue

October 10 2017
10:30AM

Still nowhere to be found
It's 10:33 in the morning
It hasn't messaged yet
It's 10:34 in the morning
A second feels like an hour
An hour feels like a day
A day feels like forever
Don't tell me that it'll be missing until the end of the day?
Technology fails big time
The office phone rings
I imagine it was the expected digits ringing
It rarely talks, it constantly messages
So, I'm in no position to expect
I'll keep on running if you call my name
The Haim song says

October 10 2017
09:38 AM

Verbalize what you want to say
Internalize what you really feel
Analyze what it is that you want
Recognize the existence of what makes you human
Care less of what other people think
Live more by thinking of yourself and no one else
Guess, you are not born to be reckless
Always fearful of your demise
Forget FEAR, says the forget-me-nots
Be as FIERY as the fire tree
Be as big as the fruits of the cannonball tree
Be as sunny and happy as the sunflowers
Forget Shyness, says mimosa
Stop the urge to cry, "Stop it!"
The statement I say to Lacrimosa
Believe in yourself, Do not cause your death
Chrysanthemums and Cherry blossoms...
They are two different flowers
Same beauty, different in meaning
Tomorrow, let's bloom like a long-stem rose
Red as blood, thorns as dangerous as knives
Be as it may, let's be roses
Forget dismay

Your presence has been missed since your absence
Nevertheless, your absence caused me to be ever more at present
Thank you for preparing me for your absence
Your absence has never been that hard in the nonemotional aspect

There she is
"Sorry" is not a word you'll hear from her
She knows that she is to blame for some parts
But she refuses to get down from her high horse

Anxiety lurks in
Should I give up and give in
Chaos is the state my brain is in
Should I give up and give in

Listening to songs makes me all the more worried
Binaural and isochronic tones do not work anymore
Music across all genre does not give me salvation
It just builds up the tension

Could not think straight
So many things that I have to think about
So many things that I have to accomplish
I sometimes wish that some things could be abolished.

October 5 2017
21:00

Not once did I look myself in the mirror today
I know, how it will reflect such horror
Not once did I comb my hair today
I know, how the comb will show the tangles of the day
1,2,3... one more time, Go!

My eyes are tired
My back aches
My legs feel numb
My hands are tensed
1,2,3... one more time, Go!

Songs are on repeat
1,2,3... one more time
Not making sense of the lyrics
Just swaying, moving to the beats
1,2,3... one more time, Go!

Crawling in the dark
Technology disconnects
On my feet, I go
Chaos won't matter
1,2,3... one more time, Go!

My brain aches
My head wants to drift
I chose to sleep for an hour or 2
I woke up, not pleased
1,2,3... one more time, Go!

Sleep cannot make the pain go
My arms and hands still ache when I stop
Ears are burning due to the headphones
Cannot play loudly
Just being considerate of the many
1,2,3... one more time, Go!

September 29 2017
17:30

Should I turn my back?
Should I leap?
Should I walk?
Should I be taken aback?

Should I say, YES to this awesome friendship?
Should I say, YES to this sweet fate?
Should I choose to be happy or sad?
Should I choose whatever is in my hand that lands?

I like the directness, swiftness, and smoothness of your words
The sweetness of your jokes, the cuteness of your face when you talk
Your approach to life is something I really like
Should I choose whatever is in my hand that lands tonight?

Should I leave everything to fate?
Where will you be, from now, after the earth has revolved around the sun twice?
Should I give you an embrace, freedom, or escape?
Where will you be, from now, after the earth has revolved around the sun twice?

You'll hate the songs I suggested
The reason why you liked me in the first place
Should I just keep my playlists a secret,    
Just so you won't feel any regret in the first place?

Guess, you'll erase them
Just how you'll erase me in your brain
7 days backwards happened, by the way
Sorry for making you feel drained

Couldn't say the words I mean to say
Couldn't explain for I'm never really good with words
I just want to take cover
I just don't know if I want this to be over

Let's talk when what you ever feel is over
When you're completely sober
When you got over
If there's even a need for that to take over

Soon it will fade away
Like a flower that blooms in September
It will wither just before the end of October
To the mood of the wind, it will sway

Every heartbreak has its own playlist
The songs remind me of how something, or someone gets removed from my list
In my mind, I make a list
A list of all the songs that could make a playlist

I am that masochistic to play the songs over and over
Until it hurts no more, and hurts, again some more
The chorus of every song reverbirates
Echoing the hushed silence of my loneliness

At this point, all types of songs seem the same
They all talk about sadness, hopelessness, and heartbreaks
There is something so peaceful in this verge of this martyrdom
There is something so painful yet freeing in this fleeting moment

For when I finally feel better
I feel how I've gone and traveled farther
The heartbreak only makes me stronger
It makes me see clearer, move faster, appreciate the meaning of life better

I listen to the same playlist
I think of how foolish I was to even break into tears to any of the songs
For at this point, all songs fall on the same level
They remind me of how sad I felt, how hard I fell, how I was vulnerable

and I listen to the same playlist, again
For I want to make art out of all the previously mentioned pains of others
At this point, the songs remind me of how I am no different from the others
At this point, the songs remind me how my emotions are universal

I also know that in one way, or another, my playlist is different from another
I also know how unique my experiences are
I know that some things are irreversible
Yet, again... I am ready to be vulnerable

I drown in silence
I lost my confidence
My only salvation is my resilience
All I can do is fuel this pretense

I bought a mask to hide the pain
I bought clothes to dress like someone else
Came close to getting a haircut
If I got money, maybe change my whole face, too.

I refuse taking pictures
All I see is emptiness
Submerged in loneliness
Bathe in regrets

Farther and farther I go
The only think to blame is my ego
Farther and farther you'll go
I'll keep running away and just choose to let go

September, October, November, December, January
The months that Juana wants to find in the obituary
The other stopped at September
While October was the beginning of another
November was when Juana chose to leave October
Juana came back in December
Only to find October with Summer
Juana begged October in January
"I want Summer not Juana", said October
Juana went away, broken and dismayed
Anger was what engulfed her
Juana never heard from October until near September
Juana calmly burst in anger
When October talked to her
Juana still loves October
But when they talked,
Juana said the opposite to October
All that October wants is closure
Juana wants more but she chose her feelings to be obscure.
Juana is broken.
Thanks, October.

​I thought I was dreaming
When my mother told me he was outside waiting
I was extremely happy to see him
It was expected, but I never thought that it would come true

He was the same as before
He was everything and so much more
Still mesmerized by how he looks at me with those brown eyes
Still mesmerized by how well he still gets me by surprise

I should have listened more
I should have let him explain
But I just talked about myself and my pain
I listened not to understand but reply

I wanted to hurt him
So I threw sharp words at him
The more I realized how much I love him
At the end of the day, I never even said "I miss him"

When I saw him
All I wanted to do was hug him
I forgot that he was the one who made me realize
that I'm capable of being hurt, that I'm not a robot, that I'm vulnerable and that I could die.

All I ever did was write poems he would not even read
Pour my heart out in letters that I couldn't even speak
Words that I so long for him to hear
This love that just won't disappear

and there he was walking again
and there I was trying to be strong again
I guess, I'll never have a second chance at this romance
If only I could turn back time, I would grab the chance

All the questions he answered
All the questions he never answered
Please, come back to me, Oh, dear
All I want is for you to be near

If I get another chance
one more kiss, one more embrace
I'll gladly trace the outline of his face
All I want to do is just to be with him

My ego was up at that time
I wasted the time
What could have happened
If what I did was the opposite of what I chimed.

If I could take it back, I would have listened more.
I knew that this day will come.
I was really happy to see you.
I was really happy to talk to you.
I was really happy that you visited me.
I was really happy, and sad.
I was hopeful but skeptical.
I was really afraid.
I was happy to talk to you.
I was happy to see you.
I, for a second, wanted you back.
I, for a second, so hoped that you'd want me back.
I was so afraid.
I couldn't even breathe.
It took me years to get over you.
I wish I could take back all the words that I said to you.
I didn't even say sorry.
I was happy.
I thought of how well you treated me.
Again, I was afraid.

August 22 2017
13:23

and I feel hopeful that he'll come back
and I feel lonely that I said the wrong things back
and I feel the same feelings I felt for him before
and I saw him fading right in front of me just like before

I should have asked him how he felt when she saw me, again.
I should have asked all the questions I have in my mind.
I should have asked how he felt at that moment, rather talk about myself.
I should have never talked so much, I might have hurt him again.

I was okay, then you went knocking on my door
I remembered how you were adored.
I couldn't even admit how much I loved you
I couldn't even admit how your treatment was the best.

I felt like crying, I held back the tears many times
I should have hugged you, instead of giving you a high five
I felt that you were just there to see how I am doing
You didn't even want to get back with me

I know that you don't feel anything for me anymore
You didn't even find a way to contact me
You were just there... sought my company because you are lonely
I still feel that you didn't love me

I feel hurt, again.
For the words that didn't come out right
For all the words I didn't mean to say
I hope that you memory will fade, again.

I don't want to remember you
You can't give me the love I want so much from you
It hurts me so bad
I thought I've moved on, but I guess, I haven't.

I remember when we were just starting
You would see me in numerous evenings
We would stay in front of our house talking
You would sometimes be guitar playing

I want to meet the world
Travel it without holding bars
I want to be free of fear
Walk without worrying of a single tear

I want to be in places I've never been
For once, I want to think that I can win
I want to get rid of my sense of responsibility
To just be out there embracing uncertainty

I know that life should be fun
and I feel depressed and tired, sometimes
Caressed by anxiety
I guess, it's my destiny

I feel so old but unaccomplished
I feel so tired for everything in my life feels unfinished
I feel cold and lonely
Those two things that are clear in my destiny

I, sometimes, want to be someone else
Just to get rid of the routinary
I wish to feel nothing
I hope to have something else that is soothing

What else do I need to do?
What else is there for me?
Many things I want to do
Always hindered by so many dues

I want to go outside
Meet new people
Be in places where no one knows me
Just, maybe, for once, I could be me

I want to be playful
I want to be free
I want to be out of responsibilities
Life is tiring, and the world is domineering

What do I need to do to fulfill it?
I feel nothing, but loneliness.
When was the last time I felt happy?
My life has been nothing, but lonely.

Will I die just like this?
Everything that life has to offer is missed.
Every chance I get is nothing more than a regret
Every chance I take is nothing by hardships and consequences

I should be happy that I'm not in the shoes of someone else
But my version of loneliness is this
I don't want to care so much of the world anymore
I, for once, want to walk with no purpose

My life has always been with a goal
I get frustrated because everything has been so hard to achieve
I get so tired of living with a purpose
Why do I care so much of everything that surrounds me?

If I have a choice, I want to be careless
Leave everything and everyone in my life helpless
Tactless of all the people around me
Maybe, that's the reason, why I feel stressed and left out.

I tried to stay away from it since I arrived here
The headache, sleepiness, and weakness I tried to endure
I took vitamin C, and ibuprofen
But the throbbing pain in my head was making me insane
I downed instant coffee in the morning
The subtle pain spots in my head kept changing
In the hopes of making the pain diminish
Tons of water, I finished
I even blamed my swollen sinuses for everything
Thought of allergies as the culprit
"No way!", I said... "Enough!", I said.
I self talked controlling the urge to buy a cup
I know how accumulated cups can bring my wallet, a hiccup
I had to succumb... this cup of coffee is awesome.

He said that he would go after her.
Guess what? He didn't go after her.
He said that he would find her.
Guess what? He didn't find her.

All he did was blabber
The girl didn't bother
The girl wanted him to do the opposite
Guess, he didn't do anything magnificent

He said that he would never talk ****
He said that he really liked her
Well, all he did was just write on the sheet
Guess, all he told her was just, yes... a blabber

A month has passed.
Didn't even know if he even crossed her path
No news, no message, no email, no call
Just nothing, if she would recall

I am happy when I am sad
I am sad when I am happy
Why do I feel such a loser
When all I want to do is recover?
Here she comes, the butterflies disappear
Please, oh, please, do not reappear
The pain lingers, it never hurts like it did yesterday
Day by day, I find a way to recover
No, this is not about love
This is about life in general
My fear is primal
I want to keep it minimal
This is me writing about a song
A three-minute memory
A lifetime of misery
Have you ever played a gong?
Do not be confused.
There is no use.
This is not about you.
This is about ****-mer-me
Uh oh! ****-mer rhymes with reminder
Names of the people I don't want to remember
Now, do you see the matter?
Nah, it does not matter.
****-mer is not even a word in the dictionary
Do not worry, this is not about you.
How many times do I have to tell you?
I just want to use your name
How beautifully it rhymes with a lot of other names
Do not go down the abbey
It's not "fay"...
Do not play with me
There is no way that you mispronounced "pay"
I am not making any sense, am I?
It does not matter
I am making sense of myself, that is why.
Xy runs with rah, rah, rah
So is ElectRIKA
Maybe this is what I get
From watching a lot of Daredevil and Elektra
Stop this nonsense
Times like this, I am talking nonsense.
Friday, the day when you get your pay
Payday is also the day when you pay
I just love Fridays!
No, I do not want your hearts, and likes
Those will not bring me delight
Get me a flight
That is what I like.

Had chicken wings tonight
Took an antihistamine before the fight
Drank coffee after nine
I think, I’ll be awake until the sun shines
What was I thinking?
Maybe, it was the migraine throbbing
Planned on eating ice cream
Ended up buying an eye cream
Got home, I started encoding
Finished at midnight
My eyes won’t shut tight
Still listening to Lany
His song is on repeat
He sings, “ I miss you so bad”
I say, “I want to sleep so bad”.

AND I SAW A PICTURE OF YOU
ALL I EVER ASK IS JUST A SMILE FROM YOU
AND I ALWAYS LOOK FORWARD TO THE DAY YOU WILL ASK ME OUT
I CONSTANTLY PRAY THAT YOU WILL HEAR MY HEART OUT
AND IF I MISS YOU EVEN IF I HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE WITH YOU
EVEN IF IT TAKES A LIFE TIME FOR IT TO BE TRUE
I WILL BE INSPIRED TO KEEP UP JUST TO KEEP UP WITH YOU
I COMPETE AGAINST MYSELF TO NOT BE BLUE
I SOMETIMES THINK THAT IT WOULD BE FUTILE
THERE IS NO WAY THAT THIS LOVE WOULD EVEN BE REAL
I PRAY STILL, I THINK OF YOU, EVERY DAY OF MY (NON WORKING) LIFE
YOUR FACE COMES OUT OF THE BLUE
YOUR FAITH INSPIRES ME TO BE LIKE YOU
THERE COULD NEVER BE A CHANCE TO BE WITH YOU
TO GOD, I WILL STILL PRAY FOR YOU
IF WHAT MY HEART FEELS, IS TRUE
SURELY, THIS INFATUATION WILL BE A LOVE SO TRUE
YOU MAY NOT APPRECIATE ME YET
YOU MAY FIND SOMEONE ELSE IN THE END
I WILL STILL TRY TO THINK OF YOU
MAYBE, YOU WILL START THINKING OF ME, TOO
BY THE WAY, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU?
ONE DAY, I HOPE TO VISIT YOU
MAYBE, HAVE TEA OR TWO
BY THE WAY, DO YOU EVEN LIKE THOSE THINGS LIKE I DO?
THE MONOLOGUE OF OUR CONVERSATION
I IMAGINE HOW I WOULD LAUGH WITH YOU
HOW I WOULD TALK TO YOU
HOW YOU WOULD CARE ABOUT ME
HOW I WOULD SHOW HOW YOU MEAN TO ME
BY THE WAY, THIS IS NOT FOR YOU
JUST A THOUGHT FOR MISSING YOU.
I HOPE THAT YOU DECIPHER THE TITLE.

Someone told me
The past will always be a part of him
He will never forget his past
He will just learn to accept it
He will never forget his past
No matter how many times he changes the color of his walls
No matter how many times he falls
He will just learn how to make his memory obscure
Even if he changes the arrangement of the furniture
I agree with him
The past will never be forgotten
Unless you have amnesia, Alzheimer's or something
Never ask the present if he already forgot his past
Never expect that even a memory will be forgotten
When the present leaves you
The present becomes your past
Do not hold on to the past
Unless, you are ready to not make a future out of your present
If, by any chance, you cannot admit your past
You do not have a choice but to let go and move on
The sun does not stop shining just because your eyes are crying
The river does not stop flowing just because your life is challenging
Learn to ride a boat
Learn to steer it to wherever you want to go
Your past will not make the oars move for you
NO ONE is responsible but YOU.

The weekend is close to the end atlas
and all I hope for was for it to last
Why do I feel such an outcast?
Why didn't I have such a blast?
It feels great to be at your wit's end
It feels great to be someone whom no one calls
There's no need to pretend
I'm the only one here who falls
Here she is with her utmost lies
Why do I feel terrible every time she cries?
Why do I feel hurt to even acknowledge that feeling when it dies?
Please, let it not be her demise

Summer came, again
Look at how we have become, again
I have gained such wonderful grains
Nothing to lose, only to gain

Will you not wither until the next summer?
Will you stay, even when you are sober?
Will you be with me, just because the other one is away?
Will you stay, even after you, two are, again, sober?
Do not stay if you intend to leave
Please, betray me, because that is what I expect from your leaf
If this is what you plan to do to get even with me
I am immune to it, go ahead, just wither and die
This is not sadness
This is not an unhappy ending
What I feel now is gladness
So tired of summer leaving

Another incomplete milestone
Another way to complete the pile
Another day for me to survive
Another weekend dies...

You have waited for this.
Do not waste your time thinking of your fears.
Do not fear the unknown.
You will not learn if you will not try.
Let others fear their own.
Do not fear what others fear.
Discover your own fears.
You will never know if you are truly afraid of something until you try.
Your youth warrants you to try, fail, try again.
You will not fail nor succeed until you try.
Do not believe what others tell you.
Let yourself tell you what to believe.
See for yourself what others fear to dive into.
See for yourself what you want yourself to dive into.
Be motivated to try.
Be motivated to fail.
Be motivated to make mistakes.
More mistakes, more tries, more chances of success.
Do not let the idea of others weaken your will to try.

JUST TRY. JUST FACE YOUR FEARS.

The weekend dies
She begins to cry
It started when she cut her hair
Ten months have passed
Her hair is now longer
Her weekend started to flourish
She is, now, nothing compared to how she was
She is the same person, just not malnourished
She learned to fly and live again
She knew that when the time comes
She, no longer, is held by the memory
She decided to let go of the things that slow her down
She decided to accept how things are not meant to be
She was down but she was taller than ever
Her hair is now longer
But she was reminded that the tides get high and low
Regardless of whether she is fast or slow
The sun does not give up on shining
Just because her tears are increasing
She realized that she is in control of her life
The weekend is out
But she will not be out.

January 15 2017
3:20 AM

You make me sad everyday
For when the sun is rising
It is my heart that is setting
I hope to recover from you
You are like a leech in my blood
All I want is you every waking day of my life
I hate the way you make me feel
But I know that my fears are not real
I am happy when you are suppressed within me
It is a rampage when everyday, all you do is resurface
I dread every event of my fruitful life
When the only thing I am comfortable at is stagnancy
Do not leave me because I will not let you go away
When stigma is what I face the moment I step in the door
I will find my way to recovery
It is hard but I will try not to fall
When all I want to do now is fall, run and let go
Please, make me free from your bind
Let me go because I do not want to remember you
I love it when you stick around like you do
I am close to sleeping now
My eyes are close but my mind is weak
Weak of thinking of the things I cannot do
Things that I know are not real like you always want me to perceive them
Leave me, my sickness, be buried within me
For when I wake up, I know, that I will still be locked with you.
Let us sleep now, hold my hand, never let me go.
It is very hard to shake you and be free from you.

You are therapy to my agony
You are the survival to my emergency
You bring hope to my faithlessness
You are my ears to my deafness

You bring joy to my unhappy life
You supply oxygen to my dying heart
You put laughter to my frowning mouth
You remove, in my heart, the planted knife.

It takes courage to not message or call you.
It takes bravery to forget you.

Did you throw the sketch that you made for me?
I wanted to ask for it but you might not like it.
Did you throw the headset I lent you?
​I wanted to claim it but I don't want to see you.
I don't want to use it as an excuse to talk to you.​

Do you even remember me, even slightly, oh, so faintly?
I still remember you, every day, every second, if you only knew.
I want to forget you, but, hey! Creativity happens whenever I think of you.

You didn't make an effort to even know me
You don't know a single thing about me

I never even heard you call me by my name.
You never said my name.
You don't have the intention to remember my name.

You never said my name.

You, maybe, did... but I can't remember it. What a shame!

Blemishes start to fade away
Excretions are no longer strongly colored
My sadness transforms from hatred
My happiness transforms from sadness
My eyes are slowly smiling
My weight is slowly increasing
Over-the-counter vitamins are just what I’m taking
Water and coffee are just what I’m drinking
Three daily rice meals and snacks in between
Juice on the side and sweets for the win
My hair is growing faster than before
Confidence is back like never before
My extra work is improving
My expenses are slowly diminishing
I feel like my outlook has recovered a lot
I feel like my beauty could be seen on the spot
Why would I ask for more?
I always get what I aim for.

...and I will never write a poem
just because it rhymes with you
Not because of sadness
Not because of happiness
but just because I feel like writing about you

I will never decide on the title
just because my poem forms a riddle
Not because of the chorus
Not that my feelings for you is enormous
but just because I feel like it’s the right thing to do

I will never decide on just doing things
just because you make my heart sing
Not because of what the moment dictates
Not because I just want to retaliate
but just because I know that the ambivalent here is you

I don’t hear from you as much as before
I’m as patient as can be
I try to deny my expectations
I’m as patient as can be

I try not to worry about you thinking about me
I know that you are not
I try not to care of you, me and us
When in fact, there is us because I care about you a lot

If you could only look into my brain
See how everything is causing me so much strain
I hope that you truly care about me
I hope that you truly love me

I try to just feel nothing about everything
I try to appear that I don’t care if you care or not
I wish that you really don’t want to lose me
Because I feel that you can and you will, in reality

I don’t know what I want from you
I don’t even know if I truly love you
If I’m just in love with your existence
I want me to be your reason for existence

We had what we had
Not because you love or care for me
Me as your prototype
She as your final marrying type

I try to keep my cool
I try to appear that everything is normal
I try to appear nonchalant about it
I try to think that it won’t be painful
When you finally say that what we had was awful

Life is a race
Please do not be disgraced
You just have to embrace
that life is a race

When you stumble and fall
Do not be appalled
You just have to embrace
That life is a race

and when you feel down and lonely
When you feel like no one is your only
Be here with me
I’ll be your glory

and when you feel down and lonely
When you feel like no one is your only
Be here with me
Listen to my songs to feel glory

When you feel down and lonely
When you feel like no one is your only
I dig my memories
I listen to the songs of my bittersweet memories
There, I find my glory

Will I ever feel happy?
Will I ever be someone else’s glory?
My sadness is just making me insane
when being a little insane is just want I want to be
to be forever, someone else’s glory

I dare not to play around but then you came around
Everything was fun then you made my heart turn around
What I thought was a simple reply to your “hi”
turned out to be the reason why I’m high

I didn’t want to try to write you a poem
I’m afraid that my rhyme would turn into a grime
As I’m writing this, you’re with her
As I’m writing this, all I can picture is you with her

It’s disturbing, I know
It’s disturbing, I don’t want to let you go
I know that I’m just nothing to you
I know that you just want me for my hue

Who am I to make you stay?
Who am I to demand you of your time?
I will soldier on to my dismay
I would carry on, with this rhyme, I will stay

Your arms wrapped around her
as you two are submerged in extreme laughter
the brightness in her eyes
the totality of my demise

It all started with a simple “hi”
It all started my kind of high

When we were just starting
You would often come to our house in the evening
We would stay in front of our house talking
I would be singing, and my guitar, you would be strumming

Our first date was at the burger stand
The first time I saw you, I was really stunned
Your deep voice, your personality
You are so good at keeping the mystery

You would spend the weekends with me
You would talk and walk with me at the park
You would talk about nothing to me
You would make me believe in the spark

You know what you’re good at?
...At the game called pretense
You know what you did to me?
You made me want to make my heart, again, dense.