The past few nights I have
laid down to bed wiggling my feet
and squealing with excitement.
How is it possible he exists,
right here in this small town
where I thought I had met everyone
worth meeting.
He was hidden behind the old
K-mart in a suburb I had never been to.
That is only after he came here from
Minnesota.
He has soft brown hair
and blue eyes and gap in his front teeth.
His hometown accent is still
prevalent mixed with that Ohio slur.
His dad must’ve been there,
his mother must be kind,
to have raised such a good boy.
He smiles when he sees me
and after we kiss.
He reminds me of a perfect sunset in
the spring.
Orange, pink, blue and purple.
That mix of sweet warm and cool air.
No wonder it’s always been my favorite
season.
I was just getting ready to meet him.

I have a nice boy in my inbox
asking when can he see me again,
but I have one on my mind that
I feel bad about letting go.
When is it too soon
to start over?
Why is there a pit in my stomach
like I’m doing something wrong
but when he kissed me it felt right.

I’ll barely eat,
and cry in my car before work.
Meanwhile I’ll trick everyone into
thinking I’m no longer
sifting through the wreckage
of us.

I guess I knew I’d be lucky to
see forever with you.
That the odds were not in my favor.
All I’ve ever wanted was to be enough
to keep you happy
even if sometimes it meant sacrificing my own.
I’d still walk 1,000 miles for you.
But now I’m sitting in my car
with a biscuit in my lap
and Noah strumming through
my radio.
Last night I had a dream you were there,
And you said you missed me.
I still need to know if you miss me.

Missing you feels like there is a hole
in the atmosphere.
I have tried to ignore it,
go about my day and let it go
but it always hits me the hardest
when I realize you’re never
coming home.

I took off the necklace that carried your
initial that I bought myself to let
others know I was yours,
and then took a shot of the liquor I had
in my passenger seat.
I flipped down the mirror and looked at
my fresh highlights that I got to try
to erase you from my head.
But I still feel lost on an island,
abandoned at a truck stop.
I’ve been fighting off the urge to call you,
and the urge to drink
and the urge to go off the rails.
I can’t stop thinking about how nice it must be
to be you today,
so happy and so certain with never seeing me again.
I’m still waiting on a morning where I wake up
and the first thing I want isn’t you.

When I think about you
it feels like a desperate plea.
My brain is screaming for you,
my heart is begging.
I miss you so bad.
This is the most pain I’ve ever felt,
a sense of abandonment that I don’t
think will ever be resolved.

You were born one year and seven days before me.
And it took me 23 to find you.
All together I may have gotten 3 beside you.
It wasn’t enough,
but it also felt like a lifetime.
I felt destined to be with you,
like we were created in the stars.
How can a connection that felt cosmic
just be handled so poorly.
It’s like we got caught in a painting that
never got finished,
half of the canvas left empty.

I am still standing here on the side of the road,
bags in hand.
Like you opened the door and shoved me out,
said you’d come back later.
The sun is setting though,
and it’s getting cold.
I’m beginning to think you aren’t
coming back.

Walking around this house I see his
things mixed in with mine
and the note I wrote him on his birthday
still hangs on the fridge.
“I love you.”
New pictures on my phone of memories
we make every day.
Just one year ago I never would’ve believed
he would be here with me.
By that time I had come to terms with
thinking he would always be a sweet and sour
taste of the past.
But now we laugh together on the couch
and make dinner with beers.
We make plans for the future and look forward to time together.
Anywhere is home with him
but I love this home we’ve made together
in the country with beautiful sunsets and evening walks.
Sometimes I still can’t believe I have my best friend back.

My mom pulled up in her green car
and brought me to my childhood bedroom. Exhaustion and disappointment
on her face as she
followed me up the stairs.
I barely slept but woke up to realize
what a huge mistake I made.
And then he came back and I still don’t know why.
I decided not to ask.
But a part of me wishes he hadn’t.
It’s too hard to look at him, too hard to smile, too hard to even continue building together when there’s too much rubble.
Everything is scorched and broken it’s impossible to know where to start.
I lost myself completely, the girl he loves died.
I feel like I’m in a body that isn’t mine.
Everyone chatting and being kind to me although I don’t deserve it.
I keep day dreaming of disappearing,
leaving in the night and driving until my car can’t go any farther.
I don’t want to show my face, it’s an embarrassment and a shame.
Everyone saying you can’t drink
or you’ll go off the handle again
being watched like a hawk.
I can’t take it.

The way he acts towards me makes me believe
I don’t deserve happiness.
I don’t deserve to ever feel happy again
because I blacked out drunk and tried to start a fight which led to another fight.
I know I ****** up.
I feel it constantly.
But you can’t hang this like a dark cloud following me everywhere forever.

You make me sick.
The way you treat me like trash
unless you want money or *****
or for me to stroke your ego.
You are not the prize, you have nothing to offer me.
I am the gold at the end of the rainbow,
I am the reason the sun shines.
I have friends everywhere and people who give a **** about me.
What about you?
Who other than me even wants to see your face.
You so easily forget who’s there for you.
*******

Last night I lay in bed unable
to meet sleep because he wasn’t just a room away.
So I tried to imagine what freedom feels like.
Freedom from longing, anxiety, fear and sadness.
I had an image of riding in the passenger seat
of my sister’s old beat up car
in the middle of spring in the morning as the sun is starting to rise.
The air is warm and sweet,
the wind feels like a nice boy running his fingers through your hair.
School is almost out, you’re about to start a fun day of who knows what with your hooligan friends.
An old song plays on the radio,
a Marlboro red between your fingers,
and a Monster energy drink in the cup holder.

No job, no homework, no heartbreak.
It’s a feeling I’ll probably never have again, that true freedom from it all.

When everything really is good.

He makes dinner while I sit at the table
doing homework on my laptop.
He comes over and kisses the top of my head
three times.
I can’t stop a smile from my face.
He makes me coffee while we wait for the food to get done,
and talk about whatever.
It’s these small moments that make it
impossible to not want this to last forever.

I looked at his phone.
I know that’s wrong and an invasion
of privacy.
And you never find anything good
when you look at his phone.
He googled
“How to break up with someone who loves you.”
I already knew he was thinking it
before I looked.
I asked him if that’s what he wanted,
leaving out the part about how I really knew.
Just said, “I had a feeling.”
He never answered the question,
he just listed everything he hates about me.
How I need to change and for some reason
I agreed.
I don’t know why I can’t let him go,
because I know that the guy I’m supposed to be with someday, is out there. Somewhere.
He said I need to be okay with being alone because he will never marry me,
and he’s right.
I don’t want to be alone so I guess I take this **** instead of not speaking to anyone for days and going on bad dates.
But I think I’m getting closer to…
something.

Sometimes I miss you even when
you’re right here.
A nice breeze will carry leaves across
the pavement and I’ll want to grab
your hand but
you’re off somewhere else,
up there.
So instead I’ll just look around
at what we could be enjoying,
and instead of feeling full I’ll feel sad.

I wish you would just break up with me
sometimes rather than treat me like
some thing you can’t stand.

I finally have him,
the job,
first shift, and
college.
But it’s still not enough to
keep me smiling.
My brain is already trying to ruin it.
Getting upset over stupid things
like money, and time together.
Comments about other girls and
jokes about me.
Already stressing and moving too fast
in my classes and work.
I just need to slow down.

I put on your deodorant when I was
getting ready for work because I wanted
to smell like you.
I knew it would be the last time your
scent followed me.
Like the last time I would lay with you,
or kiss you
or touch you.
Missing you is the hardest thing I’ve ever done,
and I have to do it again.
I know I’ll be okay in 6 months but
right now, I’m not.

I’m busting out laughing
as I stand in my kitchen drinking a sodie pop
wearing a t shirt and sweatpants like an old retired man when in reality I’m a 26 yr old girl that
has to be an adult tomorrow.
Lol who put me in charge???

it’s been a long time since I’ve said
I hate you
to myself.


That **** hurts

Maybe I’m comfortable in the hole,
it’s familiar so it’s safe.
I prefer things that don’t change.
Like I enjoy knowing what the roads
will be like in the winter,
and having the same best friend since high school.
I keep the same bad habits because
it helped me feel better once.
I like chaos because it reminds me
of home.

I hate this feeling.
It’s the same one I would get when I was
coming down from a ******* binge.
A desperate, painful need for something.
For more.
Eyes wide open, heart racing,
my thoughts flying by too fast to
even remember any of them.
I can’t sleep.
And I’m not high.
I’m just empty.

I’ve gotten so used to sleeping alone
that I can no longer share a bed with someone else.
Even though I lay in the dark
overloaded with anxiety and all I need
is a body to hold onto,
pet my hair and say it’s okay.
I want to make room,
I want to sleep better.
I want to open up to the possibilities of
feeling more.
But I only have a full size mattress.

I do miss the quiet smile you wore
when you looked at me.
I know you see me in a way that I can’t.

I have hated my life for as long as I’ve been alive.
I’ve done things just because I felt like I had to.
Get this job, no wait, this job.
Go to college it’s the path to happiness.
Oh wait, turns out it’s only making me more miserable.
Makes a lot of money,
makes barely any.
Falls in love, gets absolutely torn apart.
Builds a wall.
I don’t really have anything keeping me here except me.
I could sell everything I own and buy a small RV.
Use all the money I have to just drive away and stop when I run out.
Get a quick part time job just to make some more and then disappear again.
I hate staying in one place, doing the same things.
I’ve never had an adventure.
I saw a girl standing through the sun roof in her boyfriend’s car, singing and cheering because she’s done with college and I thought,
I’ve never been that happy. Ever.
But I deserve to be.

I think what you end up missing
the most when you don’t have a partner
are all the lost little moments that
make life special.
That feeling in the middle of the night
when you wake from a bad dream,
or anxiety won’t let you sleep
so you reach for your person.
Snuggle into their arms and you can
feel your whole body relax.
Safety.

I hate being me.
I wish I was anyone else.
Someone who didn’t gain 20 pounds
in a year, who can handle normal every day ****.
Someone who doesn’t pull out their hair
and force bald spots that can’t be fixed.
I wish I was skinny and pretty and happy.
Fun to be around and brought light and joy to others.
I wish I had friends that went to the gym with me. Go on walks, and eat a light lunch.
Then smoke ****, drink and take molly at night.
I wish I could work as a server at a cute restaurant that’s close by. No want to go to college or have health insurance.
Just somehow live a quiet happy life with a man that loves me and only me and I adore him.
Why did I get this life?
Why am I being punished?
I hate myself.

I would do anything to go back.
Anything to go back to my apartment
on the second floor where we lived happily
ever after together.
Sunday morning cuddles,
binging Game of Thrones,
sitting on the counter watching you cook.
Putting the tent up in our living room
pretending to watch Alice in wonderland
under the stars.
I would give up my future and any joy
I may feel to go back to when you loved me.

All it took was that ghosted text.
Realizing nothing was gonna happen,
nothing is gonna change.
Like you, you’re still the same selfish man
that ripped my heart into the useless
pieces they are now.
It used to be a full check, I could win the lottery on how much love I had to give.
But I gave it to you and you lit a match and enjoyed watching it burn.
I’ve spent the last year since you left
waiting for you to show up at my door,
and say it was all a bad dream and
somehow we’d live happily ever after but
you aren’t my Prince Charming.
You were a bumpy road, a mountain I had to climb, fall down and then learn how to get back up.
I am fine without you. Some day I’ll find someone who makes me better than you ever did.
Next time I’ll ghost your text.

The window sat propped open
just a bit.
A few rain drops would drip in
and pop as old songs she didn’t know played
out of the speakers on her desk.
A candle and a lamp gave the room a pink hue.
Just her legs were under the sheets as she sat
reading in bed wearing thin cotton shorts
and a big t shirt she got from her dad.
It was her day off.
A pretty perfect one at that.

I heard two seconds of a song I haven’t
heard in two years
and I thought,
“Should I inflict pain on myself and listen to the whole thing?”
Heart pounding, sick to my stomach
I remember the first time he played it for me.
I remember how sickly in love I was already
and it had only been a few weeks.
How sickly in love I still am and it’s been over a year.
And now I’m wondering if the pain ever really goes away.

I’ve always struggled with feeling like I don’t belong anywhere.
That I’m taking up space in a room;
I’m only there because of the person I’m with, nobody cares about my presence.
Everyone feels like a stranger to me just a bit.
When I’m low I don’t have anyone to bring me up because nobody knows how to.
The third wheel, tagalong who always shows up late and leaves early.

Why did I love u so much
I’ve asked myself this before
It’s difficult to explain but I know how I felt
being next to you.
It was the safety in knowing that nothing bad would happen as long as you were there.
It’s something out of my control so much that the only thing it could be is love.
Through all the darkness I saw the brightest light,
It must have been a glimpse of heaven.