I lay in bed on my side
frozen in place.
Eyes wide open,
no blinking.
Quick shallow quiet
breaths,
hoping that if I’m small
enough and I don’t move
I will be safe.

I wake up at 5:20
after snoozing the alarm
and the lamp clicks on.
I grab a Redbull from the fridge
and get dressed.
Do my hair,
brush my teeth,
feed the cat.
I get to work early enough
to sit in my car for abit
and then clock in.
I build all of my units
and then go home in the
sweltering heat.
Take a shower,
check on Cat.
Make dinner and watch
my favorite podcast.
Then for dessert I take
3 of my anxiety/sleep meds
and wait for them to
do their job,
so I don’t feel this heart break
and instead go to sleep.

Joan Baez’s music is
the only thing that’s
been making me feel better.
I think it’s because
she isn’t connected to
anyone or any time
in my life.
Until now.
So every song feels
like a new beginning.
And yet
it feels familiar
like a hot summer evening
in June,
when it seems like
the sun will never set.

I went out to my car
and pulled out of the
driveway,
my heart beating fast,
usual sick feeling in my stomach.
I needed to see him.
I imagined me pulling up
and knocking on the door.
He opens it and without a
word picks me up
in a hug.
We both say we’re so sorry
and this was so stupid
and we make love on the sofa
and we can’t stop kissing goodbye
when he leaves for work.

But I turned around.

Because that isn’t how it would go.
He doesn’t forgive me.
He doesn’t want to.
So I turned around.

Only cool girls
cry on the floor
while listening to
Joan Baez half drunk
and getting high
anyway.