no this feeling in my chest
rips me apart blood pools
in all crevices of my body
I scream until my voice is hoarse
cry until ***** joins my sobs
ache from sleeping on the floor
being unable to climb into bed
this is ruination
the only thing that was truly
ever between us.

the taste melts on my tongue
little bits of crunch between my teeth
it pains me this very piece
won’t slide across the table
making your eyes glossy with delight

The neighbor watches
As my face contorts in pain again
He waits to see what I reach for
The pain meds that don’t really work
Or a pillow to drown out my sobs
Sometimes I see his kids little hands
Peeking through the curtains
I wonder if they all wonder
What the hell is wrong with me.

I burn in the shower remembering
When I was coming to from anesthesia
faint memory of hands and my drugged protest
deep slumber and the thought
“why won’t he just stop?”
and him saying
“I did stop, after awhile”

please please please please
help me
i am not okay
I don’t know why my life falls apart
I lost my only good luck charm
I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.
please somebody save me
the floor is full of holes
I’m falling. I’m falling. I’m falling.
please. please. please.
the devil has a hold on me.
god hasn’t heard my prayers.
please.
is there someone who can rescue me?

Light brown, dusted with specks
Of mischief and kindness.
I don’t dare blink.
Soaking in every second
Our gazes continue to meet.

I wish I meant the world to someone
Everyone means so much to me
Their comfort their peace their happiness
But no one has seen my soul and decided
That it needs love and happiness as well.
What’s wrong with me?
Why am I so unlovable?
Why does everyone hate me as much as I do and even more?
I thought.
I really thought.
I could mean something to someone.
But I remain a stone unturned.
A falling tree unheard.
A soul that can’t be loved.

My hand is on your chest
Our bodies still leaning
Into a loosened hug
I feel the breath
Escape your lungs
And your eyes on mine
Mirroring the question in my heart
“This forever please?”

There’s a gaping hole in my chest
Proof I’ve loved, a massacre on my boots
I brace a hand hoping it’ll be enough
Hoping I will be enough

It seems impossible my heart
was not meant to sink into yours  
The odds, the signs, fate itself
why couldn’t it all mean us

“I don’t belong here” I think
Hearing the stories
Of people who have broken
Way beyond repair
Yet they smile at me
And welcome my pain.
All I see is tender hearts
And determined minds
they are completely whole
they are the ugly truth
we are just alcoholics
one drink away from touching the sun.

my heart trembles,
I don’t tell her no.
Instead I point my feet
in your direction
and drink in the kindness
pooling in your eyes.

They are taking me somewhere today
To the store to get those supplies
I promised I would never buy
My total only adding up to $23.45
If only I had the courage to actually die.

I’m afraid to speak ever again
for the words lining my tongue
are no longer sweet and polite
I rage with hatred
I sob with regret
and these bones they crumble
under the weight of my past
You will not find forgiveness
In this shell of a body
the essence of me lazily occupies
You will not find any remnants
of the sun that shined in my smile
My feet, they are so heavy,
crushing saplings of hope
before they have a chance to sprout
I leave chaos in my wake
and my tears have frozen in the winter wind
permanently remaining on my face
no longer able to hold the emotions within.

I want a release
A time for my mind
To not feel so guilty  
A time my heart does not
want to bust out of my chest
Or if my heart does want to explode
Let it be with the gleeful happiness
That comes from a hallucinogenic high
Let the pain slip away my hips
Find the rhythm they fell out of touch with
Several years and years ago
Let my glazed eyes feel the sunrise in an
Abandoned alleyway without knowing where I am
Let me never worry again about family
About the pitfalls of love
Let me join you uncle
In a ditch chasing the high
This world only gives to the users
I was always so disappointed in you
Wiping out just like that .
You promised you were clean
But it seems our hearts are just one and the same.

I didn’t mind flying too close to the sun for you
If I’m being honest I knew my wings were on fire
I set them ablaze before I jumped off the cliff
I just wanted to fall
Fall with your eyes in sight
And warmth in mind
I wanted to fall and crash and burn
Dying for someone
Is always much easier than choosing to live

Do we kiss in your dreams?
Hug until we forget where we end?
Do your arms ache for the shadows?
Knowing I’m lurking just a few streets away.
Its you I’m holding in my drunken dreams
When I awake and your spot is empty
I can’t help but cry out in disbelief
It’s you I’m longing for
Is it,
Is it just me?

I’m six years old again
And home alone
calmly convincing myself
No one can reach me here
On the floor hiding behind clothes
Crying in the dark
It’s like I never left

I woke up wondering
Where the sadness
ever present on my shoulders
disappeared to this week

the elephants stand
woven from weeds
four have been chosen
forced to leave
their great migration.

I keep them company
Rooted in one spot
It seems I am waiting for you
It’s a small city so I’m sure
You’re just around the corner

The sun has shone and hid
Multiple times between clouds
Fluffy and stark white against
An endless Texas blue sky
Your hat nowhere to be seen
Bobbing through the park
I’ve begun to lose hope.

red fat drops mix with the condensation
Lining the “Jamaican Me Happy ” Seagram’s
I clench loosely in my right hand
Anger shifting in the depths of my stomach
It’s hard to believe I wasn’t always violent.

The way you no longer
Spend every moment seeking out
The one you love
Once they’ve confirmed they’re yours
They way each second is just a second
Instead of another second with them
There was a time you pined to share the same air
And now you walk past without a hello
knowing they’ll be meeting you at home later

the hurt you are capable of?
the true shadows of your soul?
do you honestly feel worthy of love?
Do you not feel the guilt and shame
as sludge on your boots, keeping you
Rooted in a puddle of self loathing?
Perhaps hurricanes have come and will come
To wash away your sins and blow away
The memory of your past misgivings.

I have not stopped silently screaming
Into the world what you have done.
The nightmares worsen
Each shower hotter than the last
Each haircut shorter
The fear
The regret
And most of all
The hatred.

I shake the carton
two crumpled cigs
Slide out into your palms
We laugh at the ridiculousness
Knowing we’ll need to make a stop-
Perhaps our last midnight adventure
Lighting one each to bide our insatiable thirst
I watch your jawline through the smoke
Tense, tongue holding back words
I already know in my heart.
We won’t survive this one
Together or apart,
Death has come for us.
I lean against the light post
Smile hinting at my lips
It brings me peace knowing
Your lips don’t want to say the truth
For once, perhaps we thought
Living could be for us.

We need you to call someone right now
Do you have someone to call who can come get you?
No no no one at all.
I did.
I had someone.
Someone was supposed to be here.
Someone promised me.
They promised.
They’d be here.
They’d take care of me.
Please.
Please don’t bother anyone.
I’m fine.
Let me go.
I have no address to give you
I belong to no location
Everything I own is in there.
Please don’t touch my stuff.
That’s all that’s left of my home.
The last shreds of my sanity
Please don’t take it all away.
Today I woke up hopeful for a good day.

If I could bottle the sureness
That washes over my body
At the thought of coffee shops
and late nights with pouring rain
Your hat weaving through the crowd,
To perch across from me,
We wouldn’t need to talk.
You’d just know.
The certainty in my bones
the desire in my clenched thighs.
Trilling my fingers on the table
Not from fear but to add to the tune
Humming and whistling through my heart.

The way my eyes soften scanning your face
mentally tracing the indents of crows feet,
searching for any worry I can smooth away,
and dipping low to see if your mouth is just as hungry.
Resting my jean-clad legs against your own.
Warmth and comfort beyond the hot chocolate
Edging my lips and coating your tongue.

Do I tell her?
about the pills that I hide
the lighter in my pocket
the razor handles missing blades
my inability to look in the mirror
the words I write across my thighs
the bald spot in the back of my head

How do I tell her?
I have consumed insanity
And this is who we have become.

Secrets may be kept quite
But they echo loudly within those
That were harmed.

Please
Turn towards me
I want to store your words
In the broken parts of my chest
Let them roll around my head
And tumble down my cheeks
Wrap them around me
Like the hugs I will never feel again.
Have them caress the parts of me
Only you are allowed to touch
Give me you
In a way beyond physicality
I want what buzzes in the spaces
Between your blood and bone
I want you.

It all becomes unwritten
Memories of smiles erased
Moments shared replaced
Sheets changed and detergent new
Let’s leave all the haunting in June.

I am never just me
I arrive with this body
that contains my soul
and along with it comes
A broken ugly shivering creature.

I take her everywhere with me
Feeding her unsettling aura
Cleaning the debris that falls off her
Combing through her matted hair
Dressing up her bruises and bandages
Apologizing for her smell of despair

I wonder if perhaps I left her home from time to time
Would she wail and wait at my door
For me to return, and then cling on once more
Or would she understand the unwanted  
Grief and pain she holds burdens me
and take her leave

I fear most days I let her walk through rooms first
Drifting after her, much like a ghost being forced to haunt

I am me
and she is her
for now.
Although
I wonder if it’s only her
people see