i cut myself open to find new wounds,
to touch old scars that time "healed".

now i can't stop thinking of everything they all said;
"you have no friends because you're fat.
you're the reason you're always alone.
so scared all the time, of course no one wants to be around you,
you gained fat.
you're fat.
what are you wearing?
i don't love you anymore, maybe someone else will.
you don't get to leave.
you don't get to decide when this is over.
i wish i could just leave you here alone.
i don't want to look at you.
this is all your fault.".

all my fault.
it was my fault i was overweight, then underweight, then "just right".
you never saw those showers where i'd be hunched over,
mouth in a cup.

all my fault.
you made me believe i said the wrong things when i told you made me sad.
you left me when i told you you made me sad.

all my fault.
i wanted to leave you and you told me i couldn't.
i wanted to be free from you.

i want to sew myself back up and forget again.

i found myself at a loss of words.
i held my arms up in defeat when i couldn't find the words to the simplest question,
"how are you?"
because i don't know nor do i want to.
everything seems neutral, like it should be
and it's never been like this.
god, i couldn't stop talking in future tense or in third person.
i've been trying to get better at reading lips but nothing seems to work,
the words you speak don't even go over my head or in one ear and out the other.
from your mouth,
the words on the way to me get diced and grated to the point where my brows are furrowing and eventually
my face getting red asking if you could repeat that
again.

a journey through the home i lived in and the family inside it.
dinner on the table,
me eating a whole bowl of strawberries and falling asleep to whatever cartoon that was on tv,
elementary school homework,
and helping my mother putting up halloween decorations outside and inside of our home.
i would fall asleep with a full stomach and a smile on my face as my heavy eyelids slowly closed with every leaving thought.
years went by and things that were done before were no longer.
this house turned into slammed doors and nights of me sitting on the stairs hearing  yells and the screaming.
waking up with puffy eyes and a puffy face only to feel absent and not entirely There as i wrote down notes at school.
there was still hope.
i would fall asleep with worry.
years came and went and by the time i knew it all i knew where pencil sharpener blades and how to make myself drown out the shaking house.
i lost myself in my sleep as i was tangled in my sheets,
trying to make myself forget with pills.
i could feel the world on my shoulders and i wanted to cut the string that was keeping me alive.

i hurt myself over and over reading and rereading and creating words that made me think of you.
you,
the one who stayed by my side.
you,
the one who held my hand.
you,
the one who i'm ready,
finally ready,
to let go of.
you were my muse.
i wore you down in my mind until there were no other words to describe what happened between us.
the pain was replaced with inner pain but it was better than reliving us and ending my poems with "i love you".

i would like there to be flowers and trees.
i would like to see my best friend again and my grandmother and everyone who's made me smile.
i'd like to lay on the flowers forever.

these tears in my eyes seem to never dry
and no dad,
i don't want anything for my birthday.
i don't know if i'll be here to blow out the candles.

reading a children's book about finding the happiness in the small things made me cry.
because i'm trying to find That happiness.
i know it's there but i can't see it anymore.
the light from my eyes feels like it's been taken away and i'm wondering more and more if this life is worth living.

i'm extremely okay with my life and me.
i feel comforted by the fact that one day i'll be owning my own bakery and coffee shop.
i'll be surrounded by the people i love and
i know that they'll love me back too.
i thank the univer for the good and the bad times,
for i know that they'll only do good in the end.

i looked back at everything that i've written,
out of curiosity.
it's all so different.
every month brought something new or carried something old.
i almost left,
so many times.
but i'm here.
i made it,
almost.
i've almost made it.

i thought that if i spoke louder than you then you'd finally be able to hear me
but you don't.
your hands push me away and i remember being stuck to your doorway, i saw how scared your eyes were and the venom you spout out wasn't you,
i knew it wasn't you.
i let you break my heart because it made you feel better
and if my words couldn't then at least the cracking and, ultimately, breaking of my heart would.
and that's all that mattered to me.

the sky above didn't seem so beautiful anymore,
it was grey
all
the time,
it broke into pieces that fell on top of my head when i walked home school.
sometimes i would sit on the curb of my street,
wandering how many bandaids it'd take to fix the only thing that's been keeping breathing.

i can't do this on my own.
i've tried to fix my mind by myself for years and years and every time i think i'm getting better,
the thoughts and voices come back louder than last time.
i can't do this on my own.
mother, father, sister, brother, friends,
thank you for your endless love and warmth but
there are voices you can't silence,
there are wounds that i need someone to help me heal.
i can't do this on my own.

my head and sky continues to stay grey and gloomy.
i used to like this weather but as the air gets colder,
i both get excited to wear my autumn clothes and feel like the life has been ****** out of me
and i don't know why.
how could i be happy and sad at the same time?

it wasn't enough.
perfect attendance since kindergarten,
straight a's,
president of the student council,
studying to be a doctor or nurse or whatever the ******* wanted me to be.
dad, i'm trying.
dad, am i doing it all wrong?
i hid away my depression and anxiety for it made you uncomfortable.
and i know you don't believe in the black growing sadness that's inside of me and i hid away for so long,
just for you.
i cried and beat my way to where i am now.
for what?
dad, all i wanted was an "i'm proud of you.",
or a pat on the back.

did i do this all wrong?

i told you about things i haven't even told my closest friend.
we met a few months ago and i told you about my parents,
about jake,
about heather,
about my fears and passions.
you held me close and i wrote you poems,
i wrote you melodies and butterflies that danced in the afternoon sky made me think of you.

but,
it all came crashing down.
slowly then all at once.

when is it my time to be happy again?
the universe doesn't feel next to me anymore and i can't hear the ocean when i close my eyes anymore.
my bouncing, anxious leg kept me awake and i couldn't help but think of you.
oh you,
you,
you,
you.
where are you?
who are you?
when i think of you, you seem like a bad dream now.
a really, really bad dream.
a fairytale of storms and natural disaster.

i looked over at you,
your eyes were closed and you mouthed the words to every song that played over the earbuds we were sharing.
i was in awe.
you let me hold your hands and i smiled as you got more into the music and started dancing as we sat down.

i'm sorry i can't be strong like you want me to be.
my limbs feel heavier than my heart lately and it's hard to look at my friends without wanting to cry.
i still try to stand tall but it's hard today.
the massive lump in my throat got larger when my teachers asked me if i was okay.
because in all honestly,
no, i'm not.  
please hug me and tell me it's okay to cry.
tell me these tears running down my face will eventually stop.
tell me i'm strong enough to make it for two more years.
just less than 730 days and i'll be free.
i'm sorry i broke down today.
you have no idea how badly i wanted to fall when i stood up.
or how badly i wanted to run away from all of this.
i needed someone there,
i needed someone to hold my hand and tell me it's okay.

she was always my hero.
i think that's why i never got into superhero movies or anything,
because i had one and, better yet, she was my sister.
i've seen the light in her eyes,
it's brighter than the sun.
i've also seen that same light turn into the darkest room in the world.
her soul has been hurt so many times,
her skin bruise,
tear stained face,
and a life that seemed to only be full of bad days.

take me instead of her.
god, gods, universe, anything,
take me instead.
for she still has that light, trust me.
these days and, truthfully, years have been the hardest for her.
take me instead.
she deserves to feel the sunlight on her skin and to feel the grass in between her toes.
take me instead.

i promise you she still has that light.
i can see it in her when she writes or when talks about her favorite songs,
i promise you it's still here.
give her time.
she'll come back.

his name was luis.

i met him when i was in sixth grade, he was in eighth.

the first time we talked was when he apologized for him accidentally bumping into me on the bus after school.
right then, right there,
beautiful.

he had long hair and wore band tees and in my book,
that was everything.

the short smile that he had on his face made me fall deeper.
i swear, i remember my breath being taken away when i first saw him.

love at first sight.

you.
oh god, you.
i used to write about how you looked like a flower and how the way you loved me was like stars being born over and over again.
and for a while it was all you were, all we were,
explosions of lust,
of what i thought was love being created between us.
i picked flowers for you and wrote for you over and over again.
i liked it when you pet my head and held my hand.
i loved it when you told me you loved me.
you loved it when i was on my knees for you,
hugging you and practically kissing the ground you walked on.

but you hurt me.
you stole from me and pushed thorns into my skin,
thinking i would let you.
but i couldn't.
the star exploding sounded like cars crashing now
and the flowers i gave you left me with ****** and spots of blood on my hands.
what was pink was now gray and i couldn't believe you did it.
i said, "no,
don't hurt me,
you hurt me.".
you acted like you cared.
you told me you didn't mean to but i saw the look in your eyes when you told me what you did,
when you did what you did.
i knew what you felt and you didn't' even have to say it.

you told me to come back when i forgave you, if i ever could.
and i wanted to so badly.
i wanted to personally take out the thorns and wrap bandages around my heart.
but i couldn't go back.
i didn't want to anymore.
i was afraid of your true self and i wanted nothing to do with it.
so i stayed away.
what a waste?
months and month of loving you.
giving you everything i should have been giving myself.

not even a week later you found someone new.
my heart ripped open the bandages and bled and bled and bled.
you.
you stole from me and hurt me.
i told you and you left.
you never apologized and that's what hurt most.

in some eyes, i may still be a kid.
in some eyes, i can take care of myself and i shouldn't be so anxious anymore.
but i am
and i don't know how to keep my hands from shaking.
for the future is so close and i keep pushing it away from me in fear of how i'll end up.

in my last moments i would be saved,
i just know it.
whether it'll be someone or something,
it will help me find myself.

i can see the sun peaking its light through the cloud.
this sight made me feel like i was in a movie,
this sight hit me with warmth that radiated throughout my body.
i knew that in this moment,
i'm going to be okay when i'm not.
for i, moon, have learned to find happiness in the darkest days.
i hold my head up high and i'm learning to accept the bad feelings that come with bad days and no, i won't let it drown me anymore.
i'm okay.

one night,
we went walking.

days before your birthday.

walking to meet you at the corner curb,
i hid your birthday present behind my back.

i remember reaching you and you were eating a hot pocket.
i fell more in love each time i saw you.

you hugged me after i gave it to you.

i gave you my beret that night too.
complimenting you on how good you looked and how,
yes,
you can pull it off very well.

we walked close that night.

we sat on the swings at the park over the bridge and you told me about your love for constellations.
i don't know much about them and you told me to look at the sky.

one hand on my back,
the other pointing to the sky.

"do you see it?"

i couldn't take my eyes off of You.

i could make my own constellations in the galaxies in your eyes.

beautiful.

life is beautiful.
i've seen the sun and i've witnessed the universe hugging me.
i've cried over the beauty of flowers and the sky,
and you.
i've deleted every sad song and the scars on my heart feel like they're slowing fading.
but there's still storms sometimes and i don't know why they hit me so hard like ocean waves crashing on the shore.
i lay in bed,
tears running on the sides of my face,
i say your name into my room that seems to be closing in on me.
there are days where there is no strength in my bones to even sit up.
there are days where i can't breathe from all the pain that rises in my soul.
my chest echoes with every sob that's about everything and everyone.
life is beautiful but there's days where i can't even run from the storms and i don't know why.

she ate pop rocks on her first date.
i remember her coming home,
telling me how they laughed at each other because of the popping sounds and how it felt on their tongue.
i'm younger than her but i remember thinking,
"you're so young, girl. you're in love, girl."

i hate how much emotion is held in photographs.

i wanted to see stars again.
i thought that by now i would be able to
but i can't,
i don't.
you took every star in the sky and threw them away.
give it back, please.

your phone is ringing in your bedroom,
you're too busy in the kitchen talking about another life,
talking about the future
like you're so sure about it.
your vocabulary only has "am",
i see your chest puff out with so much certainty.
i grew up wondering how you did it,
i always wondered what your secret was to making everything okay even when it really, really wasn't okay.
i grew up hoping, wishing, praying that it was genetic,
i wanted to make everything okay too.
but it wasn't,
it wasn't in my bones or my veins or woven into my existence.

i wrote and wrote and thought and thought.
eventually i felt the tip of my nose sting and tears welled up in the corners of my eyes.
today, i don't want to blink them away.
today, i don't care if people see me and stare, whispering to their disciples asking who i am.
today, i don't care anymore.
i can't move two steps without wanting to fall to my knees.
my throat closed up and i didn't feel okay anymore.
am i destined to be like this?
is this the chemical imbalance?
is this because my mom left again?
is this the forever aftermath of three years ago?
am i not meant to be happy?
am i not meant to be okay?
is this a sign from the universe,
from your god,
from my god,
that i am not supposed to be here?

you've given me love and showed me what love was.
i don't regret a moment that i was with you,
whether that moment be happy or sad,
we were together and i'll never forget those moments.

but i'm giving you your heart back,
every piece that you've given me.
i wrapped it up tight and snug
and sailing it off to you.

there's a letter inside that says everything i can't put into words.
thank you for loving me
and thank you for letting me love you too.

my life feels out of my hands,
being handed over to a fate that i Know how it ends.
the tears rolling down my face feel like rain pouring on a driving car.
it all feels so suffocating.
they all lied when they told me things would change.
do you remember how i was when i was a kid?
my hands never shook and i would go to sleep peacefully.
do you remember that?
please tell me how it feels like to graduate,
those feelings for me seem impossible now.
this sadness is never going away.
i'm at the bottom of an ocean where it's dark and cold.
chained at the bottom,
there is no light.

as much as i wanted to go home,
i couldn't.
i tried to calm rapid heart with tricks taught to me by my counselor.
this place made me feel anxious and small,
it left me speechless and  breathless.
i just want to go home.

oh how i regret letting go of your hand.
i still remember the stars in your eyes as we shared this song,
we smiled and that's when i knew the world spun for us.
oh how i regret pushing you away.
i still remember you covering my ears as you waited with me in the cold weather.
we held hands.
oh how i regret letting go of your hand.

heaven.
light.
clouds.
flowers.
meadows.
you.
oh god,
You.

i think i'll die twice when i have you in my arms again.
your warmth will be enough to heal me again.
your warmth will be enough for me to forget about the life i lived before you and after you.

i'll tell you about the book i wrote.
giving you a copy and waiting to see your face when you read that it was all dedicated to you.

i'll tell you about my farm.
the apples i've grown,
the animals i saved and took care of,
never slaughtered.

i'll tell you about how i painted and wrote everyday.
that every room in my house was filled with canvases of everything beautiful you can imagine.
that my drawers were filled with papers and notebooks of poems about everything and nothing.

i'll tell you about the heartbreak.
how the past would creep up on me from time to time.
the boy who took my heart for a little bit before giving it back completely broken.

i'll tell you about my best friends and family.
the way their smiles saved my life over and over again.

i'll tell you about how i made it.
i lived my life and now i'm here,
with you.

heaven.
light.
clouds.
flowers.
meadows.
and you.
oh god,
You.

i can't wait to love someone the way i love you
and for it to be right,
completely right.
right timing and right person.
it's like you and i were on different pages,
different books,
but we felt the same.
how does that happen?

sometimes i still wish for you.
i wish for when the world ends,
we meet each other again.
different bodies,
different circumstances.
but this time,
same book, same page.
can that happen?

i can't wait to love someone like i loved you again,
and i hope that someone will still be you.

i miss you.
i'm coming home.
i forgive you.
please welcome me with open arms.
i'm sorry,
please forgive me.
i miss your warmth,
i need your warmth.
i'm coming home.

i think i just needed to be alone with myself for a few minutes.
collect my thoughts and at the same time,
get out of my head.
i felt myself just slowly slipping away,
this feeling still feels familiar and uncomfortable.

their faces became so familiar that i started to feel like i've known their face for my whole life,
even before this lifetime.
thank god they're here.
without them,
i wouldn't be here to write
or love.

i tried taking deep breaths,
i really did.
i counted to ten then backwards from ten then up to ten again.
i feel like i could stare at my wall for hours,
i feel nothing and everything right now.
my soul is clinging onto every emotion that it can
and right now,
that emotion is sadness and frustration.
this makes my eyes turn into an ocean and the lump in my throat forms so big i'm convinced i'll always feel this way.
breathing makes my heart feel heavy and i'm at the point where i've bottled everything up that me dropping my pencil might make me lose it.
i close my eyes in hope that it'll stop the tears from running but somehow,
then leave anyways.
i try so hard to push all the bad thoughts and thinking in general away,
"i have homework to do", i say.
suddenly i want to see red but i keep reminding myself,
i have homework to do.
the weight on my chest feels like it'll never leave me.

i feel all alone in this world.
i feel like i could cry for eternities.
nothing made sense anymore.
i couldn't feel my father's love even if he did mean it,
i can't feel it anymore from him.
they don't want me here.
no one wants me here.

my breath hitched as i breathed out sitting here.
they don't care.
they won't care.

she told me to love myself like the way i love honey in my tea or the way love takes over me when i sing my favorite songs.

but i can't.

why am i here?
people keep lying to me,
saying that this will all pass and before i know it i'll smile again.
i've tried everything to get better,
to be better.
but another year has passed and i wish it hasn't.

i always loved the sound of walking through snow.
the way it sounds both muffled and loud,
there was something comforting about the sound of it.
i think it's because it reminded me of my parents,
how things used to be when they were still together.
my sisters and i would come home,
hands red from the cold,
our house would be warm and we'd sit next to the fireplace my father lit for us.
the flames danced with each other,
i could watch them for hours.
do you remember snow?

i dmed him first.
how could i not?

pretending like i forgot,
"hey!! i think we went to school together! my name is _!!"

waiting,
waiting,
waiting,
....
..
"i remember!!! i wanted to say something earlier!"

i kept seeing that eventually i'd have to let go of your hand
and i didn't even want to think about it.
we promised each other to stay in this space together.
i won't let go.

mouth open, i wondered if the tears running down my face was enough to make you want to stay.
"you can't drive right now,
i need you. i need you here
with me
now.
i need you here."
i still remember how your face soften when you saw the way you pushed me into the wall was too hard,
but i still remember how quickly the darkness in your eyes came back.
i didn't care if anyone heard me scream for you,
i just wanted you to hear me.
i needed you there with me.

satan held me closer than you ever had.
they all whispered sweet nothings and empty words into my ears as they "loved" me.
and i believe them.
i believe them when they said they loved me,
every
single
time.
satan played with my hands and looked into my eyes,
telling me that they'll put me back together again.

if i never saw you again, i think i would be okay.
i hate myself for missing your touch,
the warmth of your hands in mine felt like the world spun for us.
i hate myself for missing your words,
they made me feel like we were the only people in this universe.
you are everything and nothing at the same time.
i could get lost in your eyes and i remember asking if i could.

you made me feel bad for telling you you hurt my feelings.
a side i've never seen before was revealed and the anger your emerald eyes held made you see red and i was afraid.
i didn't back down.
i let you go and sometimes i worry if i made the right decision.
but i think if i never saw you again, i would be okay.

it was just that kind of day.
the kind of day where no matter what i did, it wasn't good enough.
the kind of day where i couldn't speak in fear of bursting out crying or laughing or both.

i set it all out in front of me.
books, papers, bracelets, drawings, notes, notebooks filled with diary entries,
i laid it all out in front of me.
looking at these things i felt myself getting smaller.
want to feel like nothing again?
close your eyes and you'll hear what they all said about you, like it's happening right now.

when i'm happy i sometimes forget how the scars on my ankles, thighs, and wrists got there.
three years,
then one,
then four months,
then none.
now i won't keep track but if i think hard enough it's been almost three years again.

then it turned into That kind of day,
everywhere i looked i could hear my parents fighting and even the floor looked like your eyes.
i listened to the songs that got me through it and i listened to the songs that made me feel okay with being small.

i'm nothing.
why am i here?
will i ever be okay?
just breathe, levi.
why i am so useless?
nothing.
nothing.
nothing.