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I'm feeling nostalgic
about a woman in my sleep

did she call yet ?

I think I'll feel it when she speaks

that i'm f a l l i n g
but I don't come with wings . . .

so it's a l m o s t

time to quit this dream
where you're taller
you're looking right at me
I feel small
and
you weakening my knees
it's called log z's
it's like being asleep;
but I don't want you in my dreams no more
I want you where I breathe

it's like fall
how
the colors hit the trees
and how the wind keeps blowing
disbelief
underneath my feet

& how you think you make me laugh
when you really torture me

am I crazy
for wanting what I see ?

if this is crazy
well then
I don't really know what to believe
Friends,
Think not of terror in the night
Of wayward wandering careless fright.
Think not of hatred in the morn,
Of owness lost and past left scorn.
Think not of guilts
Dead to the wind,
Think not of ills
You've beaten still.
Think not of the spectres of your mind,
Of days destroyed, of thought decline.
Think not of angels
Escort the dead.
Think not of challenges, haunt ahead.
Think not of blanket
Bleaching sorrow.
Think not of heartache soared tomorrow.
Think not of panic in the dark,
Of where your friends and foes reside,
Of what they say or what they mind,
Or whether they think you cruel or kind.
Think instead,
Of all you are.
Of where you've come from,
Crawled this far.
Think of your talents,
Of your shine,
Think of the world in terms of rhyme.
Think not of fear, of mindless dread, of panic ransacked
Quaking head.
Think all too clear of love itself.
Of simple life in raging health.
Never question what you are,
But freely count the fading scars.
Question malice, idle, stubborn, judging hearts,
Question tired cynics,
Mouthing barbs to better grow into themselves,
Question injustice, and condemn to swell
All those who'd dare
To make you shrink into a lesser, hardened shell.
Never wind your steps back over tread,
Already stepped.
Hold firm and fast
White knuckle raging burning grasp
Your fingers to the rail
And grimace menace
To all that failed


To break you.
 Feb 2015 Olga Valerevna
Odi
Play
 Feb 2015 Olga Valerevna
Odi
He plays the the sound of a rainfall in Manhattan.
As he chases paper thin skin out of this sorry sob story
another fairy tale in his head.
I think you've had enough for today Alex
why don't you sing of pretty things?
Eyes like coals too dark to see,
do they stop your hands from strumming that guitar?
the tunes you play
the melodies
echo in the absence of your voice
and alex you taste so sweet
sweeter than the alcohol you use to get to sleep
I tell you one day the past will catch up with you;
but your smile looks like a well adjusted childhood.
Something were all surprised to see.
And yeah your fingers pour over the strings,
because
the only time they dont shake is when you play
so play for me
play play play
sing sing sing
dont stop
dont breathe
just play
A series of poems for the boys that have left a mark
somewhere
somehow
 Feb 2015 Olga Valerevna
Odi
Fuck up
 Feb 2015 Olga Valerevna
Odi
I am awoken by a nagging in my head
its in my mothers voice
the urgency,
I don't know what for, its 5 am.
my submission doesn't speak.
I fill the air with the sound
of my nonsense, a rambling of dreams,
"dont burst the bubble, burst the bubble, burst the-"
a never ending melody.
Because there is nothing louder than this, I have wanted to crawl out of my skin long before I knew it was mine.
And theirs, not mine entirely, composed of DNA so imperfect
even the gods would've laughed.
If you ever want to **** something up to the point its unrecognizable,
give it to me, look what I did to my own potential.
Squander doesn't begin to cover it, almost out of spite.
and i must stop it before it reaches my eyes
it has a certain way of clouding them over
and I just dont want people to realize
that I am swallowing a lump
at the back of my throat
what seems like forever
trying not to get my eyes to burn or
dig my nails deep into someones throat
just to feel their artery and scream
"YOU ******* FEEL IT DONT YOU?
ARE YOU ALIVE? ARE YOU REALLY HERE?
YOU ARE ALIVE, ALIVE ALIVE!."
Then place the sharp bits of my nails
against my skin, hard
and not feel
anything
I struggle with self control
especially with ***
and drugs
and alcohol.

I yell too often, never loud enough to make them hear me.
I am afraid of my own voice
telling people to shut up
Jack knows its not a good thing if I whisper
last time I did I said
"I don't have a pulse, I cant find my pulse."
Before I freaked out and smashed that vase against the wall
and laughed at what a sad broken cliche I have become.
My anger came out in sputtering sobs

And he tried to hold me
because that's what people do in movies
cue the background music
but I didn't let him because I was never any good at acting,

and he never got mad when I hit him
I can hear that "Sshhhh" at the back of
my ear
Forever.
and I could wince at my own humiliation if I gave a ****.
I wont lie it was awkward he sounded scared
"aww dont c-c-ry"
thought I saw a tear there too
Im trying
I take a sip and close my eyes.
Empty swimming pools.
I take a puff and open them.
Packed strip clubs.
I take a step.
Drained bottle in the sand.
I raise my hand.
Vibrant stars along the water.
I slowly sigh.
The sound of waves like musical notes.
I turn my head.
******* with inviting eyes.
I take a seat.
Passing police cars.
I take another sip.
Drunken friends singing somewhere in the night.
I take another puff.
Homeless men digging through trash.
I lower my head.
Crying children in open windows.
I stand up.
A lonely boy lost in the noise.
I've lost my grace tonight with whiskey
& sitting patient on a plane
I'm driven crazy by your face
& how it's swallowing my brain
I feel so
i n a p p r o p r i a t e
with the things I want to say
my hands are idle with intention
& your spine's calling my name
who do I blame this on tonight
for wanting you so bad
my nails are living for the day
they trace the inside of your back
I cannot focus now at all
I've got these i d e a s like scripture
I'm drawing down the halls I've fallen on
to make a perfect picture
the thought of you exhausts me
& I'm not ready for your swoon
for this my hands they do profess
under your dress
in your bedroom
I dream to see daylight on top of you
& me on top of that
I like to imagine you in nothing
on your back, lying down flat
& somedays
I want your waist
to know exactly what you taste like
I'd be quiet
I'll lay sideways
with your leg between my thighs and
I have climbed miles of vines
I grew myself with my bad timing
of staying up too late
at night
drinking wine to fuel some writing
about a girl a world away
starting fires burn inside me
she knows not
one drop of
the
information that I'm hiding
I'll admit
I keep my volume & my thoughts about her
silent
but even her nothing
is exciting
it's just my chest begs for your
head and in my bed I'm left
deprived
want want womp womp
blacked out
i've blacked out
these images of need
confusing wants with
something i'm not even sure I can believe
but these wants feel more like needs
& I cannot see passed them
if it is something i can't see
than show me how I can have them
deceived
it is deceiving
believing in your dreams
when you wake up
and nothing is as quite as it once seemed
and here i am
so far away
from things that I was seeing
dreading time and space
and everything
keeping me from sleeping
take me back now
take me back
to these movies of you
cause it's the only place
I get your face
& it's become my favorite view
Keep it to yourself
I yelled
from the top of that hill
slow down heart
be quiet;
be still
you beat & you jump
please refuel these old lungs
maybe not with that taste
I've become too fond of
like liquor
like ***
a name burns up my tongue
now I run
& I run
to the front of my dungeon
I tried burning you out
but my thoughts of you flooded
I'm up to my chin
drowning slowly
I see it
It just isn't that easy
to ignore what I'm feeling, seeing
I could not breathe when I saw it
& then it knocked me off my feet
like there were bombs
in my carpet
heavy honey
s o m e t i m e s
late at night
while I'm gawking at the sky
I make up spells with the stars
I play your face in my mind
and with your chains I am guided
through space & inside time
there is a life wherein you're mine
a silent light behind my eyes
it does the opposite of blind
& I am enlightened by this find
I say your name quite q u i e t l y
that even the birds feel so inclined
that i'm reminded of your smile
every time I watch them fly
you're like a diamond in a dream
that shines inside of wind-chimes
playing songs during my sleep
my own *r o m a n t i c
lullaby
the brightest beam I've ever seen
you belong beside the sky
& sometimes
just s o m e t i m e s
things aren't always as they seem
you know you can't say that to me
for I know exactly what i've seen
try and do what is best for you
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