I will regret this in the morning
but I will do it anyway
my impulsivity often overpowers my conscience
yet I am almost always fully aware
of the decisions I make
and their consequences
I am not exactly mentally stable
but I am sane enough
to know right from wrong
yesterday from today
love from lust
although sometimes I mix them up
I have a tendency to lunge at any pair of arms that open for me
my mind and body often disagree
my body saying yes to eager hands
my mind saying no
constantly looking towards my heart
thinking how stupid one must be
to fall repeatedly
get hurt every single time
and still manage to do the same
over
and over
again
I wonder
how many times I will have to hit the ground
in order to learn to stop falling face first?
I often say things
that should be left unsaid
I often do things
that should not be done
sleep in beds unfamiliar
make believe love to strangers
get to know people who will not remember me tomorrow
I am gone as quickly as the hangover
I can be washed off the tongue
just as quickly as the liquor
I often believe I am capable of inciting change
I kiss temporary lips with permanence
hoping that I can train them to stay
I love temporary people with permanence
hoping that I can train them not to leave
and when they do
I claim to have seen it coming
I am incapable of forgetting
a scrapbook memory of skin and heartbeat
of touch and moments
I know not to look directly into eyes
for they can be blinding
and I still
do it anyway
I know of the risks that shouldn't be taken
well aware of their consequences
and I still
take them anyway
you could say
it is my own fault
for the way that things continue to turn out
but I can make no promise of apology
instead
I will live momentarily
**** up intentionally
love recklessly
fall unguarded
break enough times to learn how to put myself back together
crash into concrete enough times to learn how to shift a crooked smile
into something worth seeing
I have been told that a life lived in fear
is hardly a life lived at all
so I intend to live every second
like it is the last one I will have
I will write each night as it happens
narrate my own stories
and hope they turn out okay
I will regret this in the morning
but I will do it anyway.

You make me want to
Set fire to everything
More specifically anything
That has to do with you

You make me want to
Tear off every piece of my skin
And pull out all of my hair
Just to strangle you with it

Okay
Maybe that is
A little bit
Dramatic

But you drive me
Absolutely insane

You are a bus
That I would willingly
Throw myself in front of
Just to get your attention
Although you would most likely
Keep going
Without stopping

You are so skilled
At pretending not to notice me
Talented enough
To paint my skin invisible
The way you look right past me
Is truly an art form

I am well aware
That I am not the only girl
Who plays marionette
To your puppet master hands
But I am the only one
Who is content
With having them around
My neck

You make me want to
Sharpie all of your faults
On to your forehead
For the whole world to see

You make me want to
Stand on top of a cliff
And proclaim every single thing
That is wrong with you
For the whole world to hear

Calling you terrible,
Awful,
And cruel
Is easy

But if you were to call me
At 2 am
I would probably still give in

I would drop everything
Just to see you
For a moment

I would sacrifice my pride,
My dignity
Just to spend a night
With your body

You make me want to
Do a lot of things to you
In more ways than one

And that is exactly
What the problem is

I don't hate you
But you make me want to
You make me wish I did.

You are not in my bed
But you are still
In my sheets
I have tried to
Wash you out
By cleaning them
Repeatedly
But it just isn't
Working
There is not a
Laundry machine
In the world
That could rid you
From the fabric
Of where we used to lay
Together
Molded by the formation
Of our pressed bodies
Stained with sweat
Our ***,
A pathetic excuse
For intimacy
It was not love
But whatever it was
Is gone now
I have tried to
Erase you
From the pattern
Of the blanket
I sleep with
It is the only
Warmth I have left
We used to drift off
Wrapped up in
Each other's skin
Holding to shake
The fear from
Our bones
The inevitability
Of tomorrow
We were never
Made to last
You faded
Right before
My eyes
Everything your hands
Have ever touched
Of mine
Still has your prints
On it
The material
Can't let you go
And neither can I.

I wasn't worthy of any mans attention
yet he saw the beauty in me
we would lay in the tall grass
silent but the breeze
the sun warming our naked bodies
all of this comes with ease

bare foot in the back fields
of the barn we called home
paints, brushes, canvases
into the woods, the stream, the orchard
we would roam
and paint the beauty we saw
in the nature
in each other
naked and raw
so young
only seventeen
no limitations
we were opened minded and adventurous
we were free
we couldn't fathom how our souls had come to be
we would toss amongst the sheets by the fire
our bodies fit together so beautifully

time would slip by and to him
I was no longer magical
my red hair and pale skin
my average cooking and my eccentric ways
it all seemed too impractical
I was no longer good enough
no matter what I did
I was no longer what he wanted
I ran through that back fields and into the woods;
I hid

At only twenty years old
he had my soul
and with one last glare
one last stare
he returned it back
damaged, bruised and black
the end is inevitable
first love, so genuine and pure
forever I will be searching because
this aching soul craves a cure

The worthiness of me to men is non-existent
so I will share you my resentment

A man came into my life
When I wasn't worthy to others
Yet he saw the beauty in me
We would lay in the tall grass
Silent but the breeze
The sun warming our naked bodies
All of this comes with ease
The end is inevitable
First love, so genuine and pure
forever will be searching because
this aching soul craves a cure

Next was a man
Who was calmer than the sea
So few word's spoken
Never to be seen around with me
Weekends of whisky
Not to leave my room
Dancing naked, playing records
I knew I was temporary
I knew it was doomed

Then there was a college boy
Who brought me to his room
We smoked blunts, watched movies
I told him it was too soon
He claimed that I was perfect
In time, touching my curves
Like the clouds softly grazing the hillsides
Making human art in his bed
Like natives dancing on their reserves
But I could sense his coldness
I saw no emotion in his eyes
So on my walks home
I would beg to the skies

A concert I attended
Where the next boy sat near me
I was intoxicated
And with fake confidence
I turned to him to see
Gentle eyes
A soft face
And lips I couldn't ignore
We didn't hear a single song
And when the night had ended
We knew we needed more
So far away he lived
But our souls knew we should be
I had never felt like this
No one has ever gave me the looks
He would give me
So genuine
So perfect
So kind
But the distance was an annoyance
It wasn't good to his mind
And so little efforts were made
And I was left astray
Always wondering
Always wanting
That perfect boy from the show
But I will never know

Why can't I find one who cares
One to feel, one who is real?
Please find me someone
Who wants love like me
My soul is aching
I'm painfully lonely

Little girl, little girl
Tell me of your soul
Tell me of your sorrows
at only 7 years old

I envy the skin that had never been burned
The feelings that had never been hurt
The games you're too young to play
your mind is still pure

But there are monsters
They're just like you and me
I remember when nightmares
were only in my dreams

Little girl, Little girl
I know of your soul
You remind me of my sorrows
At only 7 years old

So little girl if you're empty
Little girl if you're scared
Little girl don't be angry
It's a hard world out there

There are stories in your eyes.

I never told you how
sometimes I fell asleep
with the thought that you
were perhaps the moon-

always disappearing
with the dawn.