for awhile
the women would
tell me I didn't
smile the same anymore
they would say I was unhappy
they'd ask me what was wrong
day in and day out
they'd ask
baby what's wrong?
why don't you laugh
anymore?
why don't you play
anymore?
it was consistent
and drove me crazy
I'm fine
I told them
I'm fine
but they kept asking
sweetie what's the matter?
don't you enjoy me anymore?
aren't you glad to see me?
for weeks this went on
and eventually
I began to believe them
is there something wrong?
am I secretly depressed?
I started trying to laugh
and smile
even when it wasn't necessary
and it worked
the women stopped
asking me how I was
stopped seeing if I was ok
and eventually stopped
seeing me
at all and
now there really is
something wrong

winter is coming again
feel it in the bones
as you light another cigarette
******* you should kick the habit
******* you should settle down
focus on your studies
and not on the vultures
that fly in and around you
trying to get warm in this cold air
can you see them circling now?
if only they weren't so tantalizing
if only they weren't so persistent
so keen on the feast
all bundled up in those cute
scarves and jackets and boots
how do you resist?
how do you resist these
eyes like razorblades
and talons
and teeth?
you don't
you let them tear
you apart with
every glance
with every smile
winter is coming
and everyone feels it
all you do is light
another cigarette
and try not to look up

old Kerouac
looking for something
in my mother’s
dark
bangs his knee
on a sharp object
he calls
my father’s
nose
and retreats
to the warm glow
of the wind-up
mouse
which lights
my mother’s
lap
where slept
a desolate
thought

Birds are dropping from the sky
In the garden where I hide
The men hunt the buffalo
Cause the stars tell them so
Woman carries her child
Horses fall in the wild
Electric fingertips
Make the earth and sky kiss
Nature swallows the bride
And the sun doesn’t rise
Groom knows it could be better
As the planets crash together
Scorpio’s falling
A new night is calling

xmas 19--

my profanity withers her tongue.

his deserters
bayonet
the alien
grape.

as a ****** on finger becomes a borrowed cigarette,

what we don’t talk about
when we do
pools into mother’s
fat shadow
and / or

pregnancy
glow.

There was one day when the dysfunctionality, obscure and fearful
left my body to slump for once, laid back almost literally,
because we were sitting on a sofa, a boring tone so no descriptive words included.

You're cold marble fingers that greyish tint touched the skin of my cheek.
being nothing but dry terrain accompanied by sudden rain storms, my cheek is pale.
puberty according to american girl dolls books never told me
my first love would bring love to lifeless,
my cheek was only the beginning.

Spinning the corners of my mouth into ringlets,
dancing with empathetic eyebrows,
sweeping my eyelashes into brown billowed bristles,
circling the bridge of my nose.

You thought I was watching as Harrison
hopped round realities
and watched himself lead lovers
to open spaces.

But the time laces were three seconds to long.
I counted 21 kisses
no wrong, just a few misses.

Now that we’re done,
I can feel the mark of your physical wishes.

My soul is love lifeless, as before we begun.