Have any of you figured out how to stop yourself from loving deeply?

I feel it everyday in my bones
And I can't force myself to stop
Loving him is so natural for me.

Have you figured out how to stop crying over a broken heart?

I still feel the aching of his absence and it is unbearable.

Have you figured out how to live without love?

I still can't stop myself to racing to his call. He is the light of my life even if he's a pessimist. He's my pessimist. Except he's not my anything.

Have you figured it out yet?

You're the story my heart
Never wants to end.

Somehow we've ended up
As friends again

But friends can't be lovers too

But I see the way you look at me

And it feels like something

I've been wrong before

Is it my love blinding me
Or could our spark still exist?

You hold me so close
I laugh

Wiggle away
And rub your back
The way you love
And it feels right
Why do I always feel so
Complete with you.

Whisper it if you want
But let me be clear
I love you
I would shout it to the world

I love you
Always.

I'm sorry for not praying enough
And when I say your name in vain

I'm sorry for my sins,
Most humans have them

I just wanted you to know
I love you

And even though I don't feel happy
At least in this moment

Please know I'm grateful for what you have given

And I'm thankful for you every day

For sending him to me when I needed him most

He awoke me

And I believe that was your intention

I hope one day

I can thank you in person.

Go ahead
Call me or message me
Tell me how you hate me

And I'll remind you
I loved you when you were afraid to be with me
Because we were only eleven and our peers opinions mattered

I'll remind you that one year later
We had our very first kiss and it was perfect
Except for the part where you moved away
And didn't tell me

I'll remind you that when you called me
I had just suffered statutory **** for the first time
And you told me you loved me for the first time
We were only twelve

I'll remind you
You stopped calling

I'll remind you
You moved back
And dated my friend for a month
And I was so happy she ended up liking girls

I'll remind you I forgave you
I tried to be friends again
I told you about my other ****
We talked about our failed relationships
We were fifteen

I'll remind you it was your idea to meet up and kiss
And how we talked for an hour before I couldn't take any more
And I kissed you and we didn't stop
We never wanted to
But you caught your breath and asked me to be yours
And as scared as I was I said yes

I'll remind you we ditched school only a few weeks later
And you told me you loved me and I never believed you more
Then in that moment by the skating rink
And I almost cried saying it back

I'll remind you that we made love
We made love everywhere and all the time

I'll remind you that three months in
You proposed to me
We were fifteen
And I said yes

I'll remind you that we broke up
On and off for stupid reasons
And that you always ended it
And I always waited for you to change your mind
And you always did

I'll remind you that at sixteen my best friend and her boyfriend
***** me and you thought I cheated
And you hid your revenge for over a year

I'll remind you that we survived months
Of long distance
And with our libido it was hard

I'll remind you when you moved in at seventeen
You promised you would stop leaving me
You would stop breaking my heart

I'll remind you that we stayed up late in the living room
Watching movies until we fell asleep there together
Because at first it was the only way we could sleep together

I'll remind you that your family's opinion of me didn't stop me
From visiting them with you one Christmas

I'll remind you that no matter how many times the darkness
Emerged from you I accepted it

I'll remind you that when we slept together you made me
Spoon you and rub your back and I always would

I'll remind you that you stopped kissing me
Stopped making love and started to pity **** me as
Youtube videos played in the background
And I would cry and go unheld

I'll remind you that you talked to her
After promising not to
Because you broke a lot of promises

I'll remind you I still forgave you

I'll remind you that one morning
You held me
Which you hadn't done in so long
And we woke up just like that
And you told me you were leaving
I didn't cry at first
But I felt every part of me break
More than it ever had before

I'll remind you
You blamed my mom
But she loved you like a son
That's just how she treats her kids

I'll remind you
You asked me out again
Not long after we had make up *** a few times
And I cried because it all felt so different

I'll remind you that with a broken heart
I ended things for the first time from eleven to eighteen

I'll remind you that I wanted to stay friends
That I wanted you to prove you loved me
Because I always stayed when you ended things
And you disappeared like you always did

I'll remind you that our story is messed up
But that we loved each other somewhere in that mess

I'll remind you that you will always be first in my heart
And that nothing can change that

I'll remind you that I forgive you
Because I love you
Because no matter what happens
You're my best friend

You were the first person to show me
Just how happy I can be

You taught me so much
And my heart,
It'll always be yours
Even when I mess up too.

Winters with you were never so cold
Your presence brought an unspeakable warmth
And now I hide under covers wishing your body was there
I miss that warmth
I miss going out in Winter
I miss standing in the middle of the sidewalk and letting the cold air
Just hit us full on because you couldn't resist kissing me
I miss that
I miss Winter...

Fill me with your love stories
Help me imagine the love I cannot have

Fill me with your sorrow and heartbreak
So I feel less alone with mine

Fill me with comedy
So I may laugh for the first time in too long

Fill me every word you have
Teach me what it is to love and to care
Teach me what it is to forgive
Let your ink fill my veins
And let me live a better life.

I found an old Christmas card
And it almost broke me to see
Husband on it
Because you were so **** confident
At one point
That you would be exactly that
And now,
Now we're strangers
And I can hardly remember you holding me
Or when the last time you told me you loved me was
Was it when you left?
Was it after?

This Christmas, like every Christmas for 8 years,
I will wish for you
For your happiness
For us whatever God intended
Because I believe
Once you call yourself that
Maybe, just maybe
You shouldn't be a stranger.

No two were ever more like Romeo and Juliet than us
Torn apart by our families hatred for each other
Both on the brink of suicide
Both planning it
We're unafraid of knives
We only ever cared for words
Because they always stabbed so much deeper

Will we let their hate defeat us
Or by the grace of God
Will we find the strength to love each other
The way we always have.

You loved winter
And I think that's why I hate it so much now
Everything ***** a little more without you.

I don't care anymore
I don't care about the past
Yours or mine
I just want you
At the end of my life
I will still want you
I don't want the past
To keep me from being happy
Not anymore
You were,
No, you are my soul-mate
I don't care what anyone says
I don't care
Because all I know
Is I love and miss you.

I saw your face today
For the first time in
Far too long

And it was somehow
A breath of fresh air

My eyes widened and I smiled
But my heart gasped
Aching for you
Aching because of you

God I love that face

More than I ever planned to.

When you left me
For the last time
You took a picture of us
I wish I still had
I miss your face
That scar
That somehow
Made you perfect
I wonder if you have it still
I wonder if you look at it
And say how you miss my face
And my freckle
That you use to kiss
We were imperfect
And we fought to love each other
Because it wasn't easy
But we found it in those little things
We found it
Together.

I was engaged at fifteen
and believed I would live my life
Happier than my wildest dreams
I am now nineteen
He left me
I am not happy
I am alone
I have nothing going
I have to remind myself
How much changes in time
I may be broken now
But maybe one day
I can be as happy as I was
At fifteen
With a ring around my neck and hand in mine
As we skipped school
To celebrate a love
We believed was forever.

Someone knocked into her
And for a moment they saw her muddy brown eyes
And they way the sparkled

They realized that she was alone
But they kept walking
Not apologizing for bumping into her

She rolled her eyes
So use to people not seeing her.

I feel you
Like you were somehow
Embedded into my ribs
Your name echoing around inside of me

Are you reading this?
I feel you
I always have I've just tried so hard not to

Why us my love?
Why did God give us this great love
If we always fell apart?

Parts of my brokenness still believe
I silence her in unspeakable ways

But she goes to sleep in tears because of it
I feel you
I wish it was real.

Punch**
My gut bellows

What a fool I am

To believe even for a moment
That I could look past first love

That I would stop needing him
That I would stop wanting him

First and foremost he was a friend

He didn't understand me
Not completely

Oh how he knows my soul
My truest desires

He's gone from my life
Wiped away like chalk

A faint impression left behind

How oh how could I ever tell myself

That I could find even a glimpse of happiness without him.

Even after all this time
When I feel broken and alone
I tell myself I need you


You started my brokenness
I don't need you

Or maybe I always will.

She sighed into the cold air
Watching her breath

She hoped someday
Somehow she wouldn't feel
Like this
So in love with love

She hoped when she whispered
"I love you" into the night
That one day
It wouldn't be unanswered

She was so tired
Of loving so much
To be used and left
She was tired of lies
And of being alone

She felt like he had to be out there or maybe she had already met him and he was one of the people who left her

She wasn't quite sure
She wasn't sure of anything
She was lost
But she was still full of love
Even if she had no one

She sighed and whispered
"Someday"
Because no matter how the world breaks her she will always find love and she will always find hope.

The truth of it is
I am not good enough for them
That's why they leave me

They must wake up one day
And realize
I'm not beautiful
And they were crazy to ever say so

They must wake up
And wonder
Why they tell me they love me

They must wake up
And see
I'm flawed inside and out

My hair is thick and unruly
My body is not pretty or toned
My heart is fragile so I worry too much
I say "Hi" at random moments
And I'm too scared to touch
Because I think I'm a bother
I cry for no reason sometimes
I care too much and this scares them
So they see this and leave
Along the way making fake promises
About staying friends and about
Maybe one day being together again
But they'll always see me as flawed
They'll always see the failure
The crazy animal lady
The ****** who loved them too fast
I will never be perfect
And they will never love me for my flaws
They will never love me period
And no I'm not okay with living
As a broken woman
Because it's simply not fair
To love so much
To be broken every time.

Once again I believed
I had found love
Because I loved so strongly
I believed it could be enough
For the two of us
But as strong as my love may be
It cannot make them stay
They are destined to leave
They all are.

There he was
Awakening her soul
A soul that had taken
Hit after hit
That had been so damaged
She couldn't believe
The way it lurched forward for him
She touched her face
Just to make sure her smile was real
And to her surprise it was
Was he real
Oh his touch was
Where had this man been
All those lonely nights
Her dreams she figured
And somehow once again
She has found hope
Hope in a forever
Oh she feared he'd leave
Like everyone before him
But she needed those smiles
So she held on
And maybe
Just maybe
She's found her forever.

Somewhere
In the thick vines
I have found new life
And he breathed into me
And suddenly
I remembered
The sweetness in simple things
In sunsets
In being wrapped in warmth
In smiling
Somewhere
Past the thorns
The blood and pain
I have found
A new beginning
And it will be great
And it will be forever.

The worst thing she does to herself
Is talk about you like you were
Just there and everyone missed you
Like somehow your shadow
Is still standing beside her

She does this to pretend she's not alone
She does this because for seven years
Of her short life you were there
Weaving in and out
Weaving your way into her soul

And now finding anyone else
To weave into herself
Seems pretty **** impossible
So instead she thinks of you
And let's her heart ache

She has so much love
So very much
And now has no one to give it to
Just her empty memories.

Hey there,
I know we don't know each other very well, but I thought you ought to know how much I love you. I've waited my whole life for a man so wonderful, a man who maybe, just maybe, could love me in the same insane way I love him. I know my love of ice cream and the color green is a bit crazy and that I can be wild and weird but that's something I hope you'll learn to love. We can watch science fiction series together and have snacks, of which I got way too many. You'll kiss me all the time and it'll always make me smile. You won't look at me like I'm a total loon when I refer to you as the father of my cats, or at least I hope. You'll watch the same Friends reruns with me whenever they're on. You'll soothe me when my anxiety is bad. You will always be extra careful when we are making love because you understand what I've been through. Hopefully, you believe in aliens and bigfoot like me because that would be so cool. If I'm lucky enough to find you please know I'm not good at letting go and that I will love you so much, even if sometimes I try to act independent and self-sufficient. I hope you're real because I have so much love to give and it's hard when you have no one to love. It can get pretty confusing but I think once I meet you it'll all become clear.
                 Until we meet my love.

When she drives by old places the two of you use to visit
She slows down just to stare a little longer,
Ignoring all other vehicles
Because you are more important
Because you always were
She put you first so many times
You put her second and third and
Sometimes she wondered if she mattered at all
So sometimes she cries herself to sleep
Not out of anger or frustration or even loneliness
But because of how long it has been since she has been held
Because it has been so **** long
Since a kiss has made her feel her heart in her toes
Sometimes she misses you
Not because she has no one else
But because she knows there will never be anyone else
You were her every wish and prayer come true
As selfish and terrible as it may seem
She wanted you
Just you, in any way you would take her
You were her entire world and the worst part
Is that you still show up in her dreams.

She still smiles at the way he laid in her lap.
Or at least the memory of it

She still cries when she thinks of him calling her a liar
Because she always told him the truth

She still smiles when she thinks of the way he held her
And how it was the only place she felt safe

She still cries remembering him leaving her for the 8th time or so
Wonders if he knew how broken she was in the end

She still smiles when she thinks of their grand plans
Such a beautiful future

She still cries when she imagines the child she could not share with him
Her first love, whose child would've been beautiful

She still smiles at the thought of his name and wonders
Does he ignore it when he hears my name called out
Or does he grimace, am I memories to him anymore?

Are they good, bad or totally forgotten, am I just a shadow
Of what once was, am I the memories?

I promise you she wasn't always broken
She use to be a whole
But life kept hitting her
Right in her fragile heart
She loved too hard
Loved too long
Always forgave
Buried the pain
But it lingered in the air
It touched her in the dark
Scared her
She use to smile all the time
Though she can't remember that now
She use to laugh
Use to explore and feel free
She was wild and happy
Now she's barely there
Just a shadow of a girl
Calling herself a woman
She wasn't always broken
She was so in love that she felt
As though her heart had grown
Maybe that's why the brokenness
Hurts so badly now
She wasn't always broken
But I think a part of her was never
Quite whole either.

I wonder all the time
If you think of me
If small things remind you of me
I wonder if you run your own hands
Through your hair
I wonder if you've found love again
If you're out there and you think of me
Please know sweetie pie
I miss you everyday
We can never go back
But I hope one day we can move forward
I know I can't find love
Not when my heart always wears your name
But I hope you do
Maybe she'll be innocent
Maybe she'll be a good cook
Maybe she'll have all your love
She would be the luckiest woman ever
I was once a lucky woman
But that was in another life now it seems.

Suddenly
She takes back everything
She would let him hurt her
Every way possible
If she could get just one
Just one
Moment of love and affection
The pain he gave was always easier
Than the pain a life without him gave
And his love was the sweetest
Nectar she had ever known
And now she will never taste
The bittersweet flavor she had loved
So **** much.