i spent my whole life trying to be this and look like this. and guess what? I’m not this

if you knew
how much i
loved you,


would you
love me too?

black is the colour of dying love

red is the colour of bleeding love

blue is the colour of cold love

my friend told me
today that i might
have something
called,

       (n)     Pocrescophobia.

which means the fear of gaining weight.

i always had a
problem with
eating. i never
wanted to eat
that much,
because i was
always worrying
if i would get fat.

i'm 173 cm tall
but i weigh less
than 50 kg.

people say i'm underweight

but to me, i'm heavy.  
                         fat.

you guys might think
that it's sick for me to
think that way but it's
the way i am. i just
watch my weight a lot.

it's not that i'm anorexic
or anything like that, it's
just i watch my weight
really carefully so i don't
go over a certain amount
of kg.

just putting it out there but
if you have the same problem,

you're not the only one.

you remind me
.       define me
.       incline me

if you died
I'd.

thank you
for reading
my poems

i am very
         very
happy
that you
guys did.

i can't express
how thankful
i am for you
guys, thank
you.

my parents and i had
a conversation about
my grandmother.

she had passed away
two years ago because
of breast cancer.

she had suffered through
breast cancer once before
and survived but when
she got it again, she was
weaker.

the saddest thing was
that at the same time,
her daughter was asking
her for her money.
            her money.

because she didn't have
enough to make herself
happy.

her son visited her when
he could and helped her
when she needed it.

but it wasn't enough.

because while her daughter
was asking her for money,
her son didn't pay attention
to her feelings. no one did.

she started to lose the will
to live. the motivation to live.

she chose death.
she chose death over life.

she chose death because
there was no point of living.

she chose death because
nothing was getting better.

i miss my grandma.

i wish..

i wish to feel whole, alive again

i wish to feel your arms around me, once more

i wish you would come back to me

what if he
stares at you
every time
you look away

you got to keep your
head up

"Tell me a lie," she whispered.




"I love you" he said.

You are walking down the hall when you see her. She stops and stares, and here, alone in the cool, shadowed corner of the palace, there is no longer any pretense that you do not know each other.

HE SAID MY GOD YOU ARE
PRETTY BUT MAN ARE YOU
DUMB* // YOU LET EVERYBODY
TREAT YOU LIKE A PIECE OF
GUM // HOW DOES IT FEEL TO
KNOW THAT EVERYONE //
WILL CHEW YOU RIGHT UP AND
SPIT YOU OUT WHEN THEY'RE
DONE *//

let's go in the garden


you'll find something waiting

right there where you left it

no need for a map
my heart points to you
rough lines, tough steps
can't stop what I want to do

there hasn't been a moment where I've forgotten you
even when we're far apart
as long as we meet at the end of the horizon

              I'll raise the masts
              I'm being carried by the winds

put the rough waves of water's surface into sleep
tell you a million times so you won't miss

its gotten to the point where ive been hurt so many times

i can say

im used to it

but out of all the people

who could have beaten me down

                                    ripped me apart

                                            made me feel less than worthy

why did it have to be
                                    you?

i don’t want to think that it is
hopeless or useless to love someone

exactly what i felt
but somehow
the paper stayed empty

and i could not have
described it any better

he kissed
her like her lips
were air
and he couldn't

*breathe

​
I’m doing dumb **** again
like thinking about you

i'm done giving people all my effort when all i receive back is half of what i put in

if the world wasn't blind
if the world wasn't deaf
if the world wasn't dying

maybe it would notice
it was destroying itself
maybe it would know
the only one to save
was itself

​
as if you were
on fire
from within,
the moon lives
in the lining of your skin

there is no one on earth,
who doesn't have a
speck of evil in them.

everyone has evil in their minds.  

no one is an angel.
no one is completely good.

we are all a mix of good and bad.
                                 good and evil.

*but sometimes doing good, isn't always good.

you can feel yourself – not as a stranger in the world, not as something here unprobational, not as something that has arrived here by fluke - but you can begin to feel your own existence as absolutely fundamental.

​
the dreams are just taking hold
and they just need time

That was the last time I'd ever see her happy again. And the second time I lost her.

"I'm used to it," she numbly says.
And that's how you knew she was broken.

its still a song that's running away in the
middle of the night to god knows where.

it's a song that's leaving to outerspace without a goodbye.

it's a song of a person walking slowly
into a lake to drown.

​
I am drowning.
In liquor and apathy.
Will be the death of me.
But so what if I drank too much.
This ain't love, it's just a firefight.
And even if it's not enough.
I'll say it once I swear I never lied.

​
when i saw your body for the first time
i realised how war torn you were
how many battles you lose
on your wrist
your thighs
how many fires occurred
on your sides
your lovely sides
and how many times i told you
i loved you because i do
because no matter how many times
you have lost the battle you will always win the war
—

im a psychopath

i destroy people i like

flipping the pages
of my battered up
journal, i read the
words that we used
to say, smiles that
we had exchanged,
stories that we told.

life looked bright,
wonderful but then

everything disappeared
in front of my eyes
when you told me that
we were 'over' and you
didn't love me anymore.

you left, without a goodbye,
                without any explanation

nothing.

you haven't cried yet
who knows when you'll get around to it

your heart is a quiver of arrows
because your heart
is a breeding ground
for death.

don't cross oceans for people who wouldn't jump puddles for you.

i just want you to be happy

here i am again
blasting green day
wishing it would all end

i can’t describe my feelings

you thought
i could be
your friend

when you didn't have a problem leaving
and when i am here grieving

im a freak lunatic on beat

​
if i could fly,
i’d be coming right back home to you