i realised that i never finalised the finishing of writing this.. so here it is. it was done in part four but.. i felt the need to announce it. so..here. this is "obsessed."

its very easy --
to get obsessed,

getting obsessed
...but with writing?

it can hurt.

because it becomes
your only way
to cope,
to stay sane --

to be okay.

and its hard to
open up to people
after writing for so long.


and having paper
be the only one
who truly understands.

its difficult to be
vulnerable and open
about your feelings
and opinions
when writing them
is all you know.

not my best work, imo, but that doesn't mean it's bad.

ive read over it a couple times. i think it'll capture my feelings best if i split it.. so im splitting it.

i feel so...
out of place here.
its like they forget
my name
and why im even
there.

(split)

the thoughts
they just keep on racing,
like they're all competing --
winner gets the reward of
tears flowing.
emotions non-stop.
no runner ups.

and they wont stop.
why wont they stop?

i think it's better this way. because after my day today, i know that these pieces were two totally different emotions, related and similar but not the same. and it's not how i wanted this to be. i wanted it to flow and get my point across. which is why piece one is about feeling left out from your friend group and/or drifting from a good friend. it's just about that phase in a friendship where you don't know if they really are true friends. i think we all go through it at some point in our lives.

the second piece is dedicated to a good friend of mine, anxiety, and my other good friend, tears. i get overwhelmed easily and frequently. i think i just needed to get my feelings out with that one. there really isn't much behind it.

haven't slept on it yet. but couldn't stop thinking about it. so im gonna try to change it, to make it how i want. see if it has potential. this is it before any edits..

i feel so out of place
they forget my name
and why im there.

the thoughts they just race,
they wont stop.
why wont they stop?

and now the editing..

i feel so...
out of place here.
its like they forget
my name
and why im even
there.

the thoughts
they just keep on racing,
like they're all competing --
winner gets the reward of
tears flowing.
emotions non-stop.
no runner ups.

and they wont stop.
why wont they stop?

i actually think i like it. im gonna read over it tomorrow, see how i feel. might end up splitting the piece in half..

had an idea to write. again. not sure how i feel about it yet, this is just a rough idea after all. not sure where i want it to go. i think i want to get across my emotions of anger towards myself for hurting the people close to me and the guilt that i have for hurting them.

i couldn't take the aching
so i let it out
on the people closest to me.
i hurt my best friends
my day ones
the people who care too much to be hurt like that.

im honestly writing this with a straight face. it's like i have no interest in it haha, but maybe it's honestly just my tiredness. it is 11pm after all.

i dont know what to think of this one yet. im leanin towards scrapping the whole thing.

i feel so out of place
they forget my name
and why im there.

the thoughts they just race,
they wont stop.
why wont they stop?

there is a point that im trying to get across here. we all feel out of place. maybe with people youve known for multiple years or people youve known for a few seconds. it doesnt change the feeling of being left out and forgotten. im just not sure how to get my emotions across. its hard for me sometimes to fully describe how i feel when im like this, because im autistic. it doesnt stop me. it just frustrates me when my words feel emotionless and like a i cant do anything to make them just feel what i feel! it feels impossible sometimes. i have over 15 drafts on @mysterie. just random ideas. never finished. never edited. just raw and there. im leaning towards scrapping this, unless i get the motivation to try and make this full of emotion and also enough to get my point across.

its okay if i dont find the motivation. again, writing is never perfect. i dont have to finish writing this and fix it up. though it would help me to regulate and sort my head out a bit, i dont have to. its okay that writing is messy. its always messy.

part four of fixing this. i didn't realise how much it would take. i thought over this for awhile. i think it needs one more check but i removed a half of one stanza, then half of another and just changed it slightly. i think it adds more impact.

its very easy --
to get obsessed,

getting obsessed
...but with writing?

it can hurt.

because it becomes
your only way
to cope,
to stay sane --

to be okay.

and its hard to
open up to people
after writing for so long.


and having paper
be the only one
who truly understands.

its difficult to be
vulnerable and open
about your feelings
and opinions
when writing them
is all you know.

after re reading it for the fourth time i split a stanza in half and changed the wording. it feels like it needs more emotion. i think ill sleep on it.

i made some word changes, added some in as well. i am thinking or removing a stanza though.

its very easy --
to get obsessed,
maybe you're obsessed with a show,
or maybe a musician.

but getting obsessed
...with writing?

it can hurt.

because it becomes
your only way
to cope,
to stay sane --

to be okay.

and its hard to
open up to people
after writing for so long,
and having paper
be the only one
who truly understands.

its hard to be honest,
and vulnerable
about your feelings
and opinions
when writing them
and softly
stashing them into draws --
maybe books,
under your mattress,
is all
you
know.

i think i like the outcome so far, but im not too sure still. it feels all over the place..