I feel like my thoughts are turning against me
Sometimes I feel like I am not able to control them
My fears have become so rooted that I..
I became afraid of myself.

Every year, every day, every minute, every second
Is a whole new battle with myself and with my tears
I am tired of constantly dealing with the pain
The hurt that is lingering around the bottom of my waist trickling all the way up to the edge of my ears

My heart is in pain, and it has been like this for a while
But nobody really cares until it's the end of time
Nobody understands until you are a hashtag, or just a photo
Maybe even an unsolved case, like this is some sort of a game
A joystick ride for media to gain advantage of you

I am in pain, surprising to tell, but lately everything has been so blue
But who the hell is going to sit with me
And help me with what I need to get through
Yeah.. that's right.. nobody.

It's your heart that gets me every time
The way you are so soft spoken
Intelligent
Kind
Loving
Honest.
I could go on and on about your characteristics and what makes you, you.
But let's talk about the things I love the most about you.
Yes I love your personality, but even more than that..
I'm in love with your motivation
I'm in love with you having your own goals, and each present day you push yourself even just an inch closer
You are determined in being successful
I believe in you, I support you
But baby most of all, I'm so ******* proud of you.
I want to be surrounded by you.

If these walls could speak, they'd tell me to find peace in my environment
To search for tranquility within all the chaos
Swallow the pain, remain persistent with myself

If these walls could speak, they'd tell me to take things day by day
Pause the thoughts that continuously run through my mind
Quit searching for the answers, and let life take me along its path

If these walls could speak, they'd tell me to put myself before others
Those nights where I sit in the corner of my room drenched with tears
Begging for individual souls to go the same extent I do for them

If these walls could speak, they'd tell me how they have seen me suffer for years
They would tell me how much they have seen me grow along this process
How far I've gone for those I love, that it is all noticed.

If these walls could speak, they'd tell me how proud they are of me.

2 years ago, November 5th, 2017.
I was beaten and ***** by a man that I did not even know.
A man that thought it was okay to take my body, without my consent.
A man that thought it was okay to drug my drink, so I would be unconscious while he gets his pleasure.
A man that thought it was just fine to punch me, scratch me, hit my head against hard surfaces every time I would attempt to get away from him.
I still have scars remaining.

A few months ago, October 3rd, 2019.
I was sexually assaulted by a man that claimed he cared for me.
A man that thought it was okay to feel on me, against my will.
A man that thought it was okay to pull me closer, as I'm moving away.
A man that thought it was just fine to get angry when I would yell "no" and "stop".
I still have scars remaining.

Yet time after time, we blame the victim
Maybe it was what she/he was wearing.
Maybe it was how she/he was acting.
Maybe she/he deserved it, and it taught them a lesson.
This mentality is so close-minded, so toxic for the environment
Not only that, but it is completely disrespectful. Morally wrong.

This cycle will not stop without help and support for each other.
& To anyone else who has experienced something similar,
You are strong. This does not define you.
I love you.

I remember the first time we had met.
The first time we laid eyes on each other as you were on the way to my home
How I had felt so nervous, but excited
I remember I didn't want more than a small fling
Couple of pleasure runs then we're both on our way to a different path
..Well that was before

When you came, sitting right in front of me
Talking about all sorts of creative topics that we were both passionate about
Music, poetry, art, trauma, etc.
It felt as if I've told you before
It felt.. natural
Normally I don't express any vulnerability but with you..it was like I was calling home.
Later that night, we had gotten our pleasure and you spent the night
Even then, it felt beautiful, and I was safe in your arms.

In the morning I had awaken to you getting out of the bed, and you took a shower in my home
Something so simple yet.. it felt natural.. like home.
I remember the vision of you in the shower while I was brushing my teeth and how we were so comfortable with one another, just after the first day we had met.
You had waited for me to get ready, so we could both leave around the same time
And I knew you were special.

From that day on, I knew you were the person I wanted
Though I hesitated, I was catching feelings for you more and more as we kept spending time together
Just being in your presence made me instantly joyous.
I wish we could relive that day all over again, but I'm more than excited for the future.
You are my person.

I am in the fourth grade..
Excited for what joyous memories come ahead.
I'm ready for the traumatic experiences in my life.
I just want to be all grown up, so I am not treated like a child anymore.
Though I'm in the fourth grade my mindset is well past those my age
I am excited for the nights out with my friends
I'm ready to be successful and rich
I just want to be all grown up, so I am not treated like a child anymore.
Being in the fourth grade..my teachers have taught me to slow down
Take things day by day, step by step, minute by minute
Because once this time is gone, I can't go back
I'm learning to take their advice, and I'm loving the fourth grade.

The only thing in between me and this degree,
Is the tears, the diligence, the frustration.
But then I envision the future
While reminiscing about the past..
Would it really be so shallow,  day by day..
If I ceased and made today be my last?
Or should I continue to pursue.. and become viable to the economy
Sometimes it feels like a challenge of eternity
But obtaining energy to make it to the end..
Is the accomplishment of a lifetime.
I'm proud of me, and I hope you are too.

It is 98 degrees outdoors
I see children running around screaming, but all I hear is silence
I am shivering from the coolness of my surroundings
The sun is blaring onto the concrete, yet I step outside barefoot with no pain towards my nerves
I am numb.

I hope I make it out of here
This feels like a dungeon of disbelief
An anomaly, a disparity..from what I'm used to
Isn't it lovely?
How the sky can be so sunny
And the oceans can be so blue
Yet the mind can be in tormented agony
And the heart fails to fall through

In the wintertime I crave affection
In the summertime I crave being solo
In the fall and spring I go with the flow
Now how's that supposed to work
When I'm supposed to keep a lifelong partner
When I'm supposed to be in 'love'
When I'm supposed to devote the rest of my life to marry this person
But I grow out of my feelings so quickly
I hope to learn and understand my emotions deeper
So I can show the affection that I give myself..
To my partner. Because after all, that is my husband
For the rest of my life

When we're together, I feel like I'm at home
As you've probably heard and you will continue to.
The connection we've had since the beginning
Is something I've never stumbled upon
That is why I call you such a blessing
The time I needed someone like you the most.. you came
When I was needing to be pushed with my poetic talent
When I was needing someone who understands me
Someone who listens to me.. doesn't give up on me.. you came.
You are truly a big blessing in my life and I am never going to deny it
God placed you into my life while I was searching for someone like you subconsciously
And each and every day I'm more thankful.
I've grown more within these past two months than I've grown in some years
And that's only because I got everything I had been begging for, for years.
So I'll say this over and over again
Until it gets engraved into your brain.
Thank you.

Once upon a time
There was a man
Who gave me the time of his day
Visualized me of the thoughts going through his mind
Things started off well
What I had expected in the beginning turned out to be the unexpected
To this day.. things are going very well
I feel like the girl who is the most loved
I feel like the princess that is being circled around by the prince
I feel like I am surrounded by an angel
That angel is you
You are a dream
A dream that I never want to wake up from
You are perfection.. I am in heaven
And the only thing I want around me
Is your presence filled with your love.
For you to be by my side forever, I am grateful.

- 01/18/2020

If healing made a home in my body.. it'd be living inside of my heart.
The love I infuse into different souls
The process of healing would be a fool to surround itself anywhere else
You see.. healing is like a rose
Look closer, you see the agony, discomfort
Look from afar, you vision through the pain
When it is given attention to.. watered..
It blooms with grace, with elegance, in awe.
So if healing made a home inside of my body
Its first resort would be to reach an area that can be in the greatest deal of pain
Yet hold the most beauty
And that is my heart.

I am so afraid of messing up with you
I feel like one wrong step could drop everything between us
I am scared of pain, of getting hurt
Yet over the month and a half that we have been getting to know one another
That fear is slowly fading away, and my wall towards you has been broken down completely
Though I still have small instances here and there
Where I constantly worry about the wrong things
Rather than listen to your words of reassurance
I am glad that you understand me, because you **** near read me
I am blessed to have someone that I can actually trust with just about anything
And though I may still doubt myself, your words of reassurance is what catches me
You are my biggest supporter, and I am yours.
I am so proud of you TJ.

Put your whole faith into me
I am worth it but more importantly I am determined
Fixated on your pleasure and satisfaction
I am earnest and idyllic
I don't need to prove it to you, I just need an hour
Just like my peers, you'll see right through me
But if only you had the time..
I mean.. If only you took the time.

Lately I've been overjoyed
It's like I got out of this box
Of depression and helplessness
I overcome my biggest enemy
Which was myself
Now I'm my own best friend
And it makes me feel .. worried
Consciously I am afraid of myself
Unconsciously I am afraid of the world
I am afraid of people and their power
To destroy my mental health
My abilities, my thoughts
Sometimes I feel like I am taken advantage of
For my words, for my talents
When I am in need there is no one around
I am uncared for
Maybe it's time for me to not be around
Now how do you think I feel?

- 01/18/2020

I don't understand how these universities
Can sit around on their ***** acting like they care about issues
About racism, discrimination, ****** assault, etc.
But when you are hit by these things as a student
And you go file reports.. you go talk to people who may help
You wait.. keep waiting
..and keep waiting
For nothing to happen.. for no things to change
It makes absolutely no sense
Why would you want to go to a school that shows as if they care
As if you matter to them.. like you aren't some atm
But then you realize
This is college
A representation of the real world
Where people are only money-hungry and don't care.

-01/18/2020

I want to start this off by saying thank you
I want to begin with kind words and heartful emotions
Do you know the impact you have on my life?
It's only been such little time
But even then
I feel so strongly
My heart is aching.. but it is aching with joy
Which is.. new to me
I've always been accustomed to pain
I guess now I feel more pain with the joy
But each day we communicate
Every minute we are with each other
On the phone
Through the phone
I feel your warmth
The safety with your arms around me
A blessing.

- 01/18/2020