We're all trying to forget someone

Where were you when he touched me where he shouldn't have?
Where were you when he bruised me from trying to over power me?
Where were you when he hammered the nail on the wall in my back?
Where were you when he painted my face with disgust?
Where were you when he traced his finger prints on my thigh?
Where were you when I needed someone to burst through that door and help me fight him off?
Where were you when I threw myself on my bed, drowning in my pool of tears?
Where were you to tell me it wasn't my fault he felt the need to violate me?
Where were you when he made me feel like I'm not human,
Like I'm an object.
Where were you when I had to protect myself from someone high on testosterone?
Where were you when I had to protect myself from someone 5 times stronger than me?
Where were you when he made me fear stepping out the house?

Where are you when I lose my breath while passing his house?

Where are you on nights like these?
When I can't sleep because I'm terrified that he can walk in at anytime and finish off what he started.

Its not your fault that what happened, happened.
I'm just here, still devastated,
Asking myself where you were when that ******* explored me.

Have I ever compared you to the stars?
Have I ever described your eyes in ways that resemble constellations?
Talk to me about time.
Talk to me about the universe
in all ways that'll I'll never be able to understand.
Spin me around like a clock and take me back in time
to the days when stars shined brighter than these Jozi lights.

We don't have to say a word.
Make no noise, not a peep.
Let silence fill our ears.
Let the quiet take over the earth.
Let us float in this peace,
and enjoy the time we have together.

I know that I have to leave soon
and I know that stars don't burn forever,
but lay with me here on the ground.
We'll count sheep all night until
the sun greets us in the morning letting us now
that the night is dead and gone.

It's not my fault that I fell in love with the world in you.
I see so much life and you
and I think we should stay in this position forevermore.
We will never miss another darting star,
Whirling its way passed us breaking our silence just for a second.

your eyes, made to see the depths of me.
your ears, made to hear the thoughts i keep.
your hands, made to fit my dainty mold.
your lips, made to ******* sweetened soul.

I long to be the place you can put everything they know you need to survive - every secret, solitude, nervous prayer & be certain I'll keep it

To feel like porcelain,
fragile and easy to break
is something I'm no stranger of
Now to feel like
stone,
solid and dense,
is something I know nothing of
But to feel like
oxygen,
impenetrable, flawless;
to be the air that fills your lungs
is all I aim to be.

"Be a good girl"
"Don't play around with boys, and don't be played around by them"
"Learn how to cook and clean"
"Study every minute of your life so you can get a well paying job"

Listen here,
I am not happy!
I have broken down more than you can imagine.
I have been suffering with depression for 4 years!
4 years!
Imagine the constant pain and agony I have been enduring from not being able to share my burdens with you

I have been used and abused so many times.
I have hated myself as a sister, a daughter, a friend, and most importantly a woman.
I have attempted suicide and the only person who cared enough was my 2 year old sister.

You remind me everyday how I cannot confide in you,
How I cannot need you for emotional support as my parents
How I cannot cry on your shoulders
Because I will be brutally castigated for being as broken as I am.

in my darkest times, although I didn't turn to boys, alcohol or drugs,
I found comfort in depression,
I found comfort in drowning
Because I could not find comfort in you.

If you had taken the time to talk to me about anything either than my grades.
If you had taken the time to thoroughly look at me.
Look at me as your baby girl.
Your baby girl that you held for the first time and vowed to protect and aid 'till your dying day.

I choose to take a break from being in the house for a few days
Because I need a break from people who do not take note of the unhappiness that overwhelms me.

For once, I just want to break down in your arms without being in fear that I will be the enemy in the house.

It has been hard to feel like I'm enough for even myself because
I have never, and will never feel like I am enough for you guys.
And Everyday I'm reminded of how I have failed you as a daughter.

Something we're always in need of.
Something we want and are constantly searching for.
You can't buy it.
Or rely on someone else to give it to you.
It is only you, that can bring yourself the happiness you deserve
Create it.
Be it.
Do it.
Be your own happiness and then bask in it honey.

what was it about your touch that made me forget every dark and protruding insecurity that paid rent in my heart

was it the way I finally understood what home meant when you grabbed me by the shoulders and told me that I am a song worth being sung from rooftops

Was it the way I romanticized the idea of us, two dismantled antiques on a dusty floor, neglected and unappreciated, falling in love with each other  

maybe.

I'm not sure if you're 'the one' but I am undoubtedly sure of the way I wish I could replay moments we've shared over and over and over again and maybe some how download the first time you ever uttered 'I love you' onto my retinas

I am sure of my devotion to you and how it is synonymous with how the moon will never give up on the sun, how the bees will never give up on daisies and how we will never give up on each other

I am broken
and I am mangled
and I am terribly sorry

but I am also blossoming with love and the burning urge to finally define 'forever' with you, if you'd let me.

The storm has come and gone.

Time to rid ourselves of the heavy burdens and celebrate the homecoming of the light.

i don't show it, but i need you more than you think.

Only "we" can understand "us".

don't talk to me like i'm the one that ****** up

you were unstoppable
you were addicted
not addicted to me
but addicted to lying to me

you lied about your story,
your background,
and most importantly
you lied about your feelings.

i woke up one day
just to realize
how every single word
you have ever said
was never true

you didn't mean what you said
and i knew it
And I stayed,
(Convincing myself that maybe,
Maybe you have a morsel of love for me.)
i felt it,
but you kept denying it
you kept saying you were telling the truth

do you even know what the truth is?

i doubt that you are unhappy
i doubt that you are lost
i doubt that you are lonely
i doubt that you are insecure

now i understand
i was just a game
that you kept winning

and now i am the game
you will always lose

That is the thing about pain;
It demands to be felt.

How stupid of me; to think I was the only flower in your garden.

And then those moments come,
where life gets put back into perspective,
and your problems don't seem so significant.

The beat in your chest is enough to validate today as great;
Don't waste it dwelling over what is temporary.

Look Her in the eyes while She is still blinking,
and tell Her about the beauty.
Take His hand while He is still reaching,
and hold it tighter then you did yesterday.

My biggest prayer is to love her right
I want to…
Love her like Christ loved the church
Love her like her Father in Heaven
Loves Her Love her like the Holy Spirit loves her soul
And love her like she was created to be loved

But sometimes….
Sometimes my flesh tries to intimidate me with that kind of love
Its like my spirit cries out from the depths of this corrupted prison
With the voice of abel screaming that
I have not loved her to the extent Christ loves the church
I want a crucifixion type love

Everytime I hug her I want my arms to be spread out on the cross
And I want to die to my childish ways
Everytime I look into her eyes
I want a crown of thorns to be placed on my head and surrender my thought life to her honor
I want the walks we take in the park
To be nails driven into my feet so that they will lead her with the authority of Moses
I want a crucifixion type love

I want my side to be pierced every time we laugh together
so that ill always remember that she is my rib
Everytime I sleep and dream of her
I want my back to be beaten with a catonine tails
so that I’ll always carry her burdens for her
Everytime I’m not with her
I want to stand before pilate and stand true to my relationship with her
I want those who have seen me to have seen her in ME when we are apart
I want a crucifixion type love

I want a love that will cause dead men to rise
When people gaze on us, they want to know who is this Christ that we speak of
Everytime she falls I want to take her in my arms like my cross and carry her up to calvary
I want men to mock me for not wanting to be like them
For not wanting to squander my love on various women
But to have the passion to pour out my love onto one soul for all of eternity
I want a crucifixion type love

I want a love that was predestined before eternity
I want a love that was birthed in my mother’s womb
I want a love that is willing to give up this world for her
I want a love that is immaculate
I want a love that makes the angel’s wish they were in our shoes
I want a love that will make me pray to God and say
Who am I that YOU are mindful of me to bless me with her
I want a crucifixion type love

I want a love that bleeds purity
I want a love that people will lie on us just to see us split apart
I want a love that will make me run away to a far village,
build a mansion for you with my bare hands
and send you love letters every day reminding you of me
letters that you can keep in a book and spend time reading them every day
I want a love that will make my spirit pray for you
I want a love that will make me walk on water
in the middle of the most dangerous storm for you
I want a crucifixion type love

I want a love that my friends will betray me because of my affection for you
I want a love that after we’re gone,
that for centuries to come men will aim to follow in our legacy
Everytime I rise in the morning
I want it to be my cross being raised upright for you
To stand on the hill of my life and portray a beautiful sacrifice
I want to be placed into the tomb of your heart
The Tomb that your mother and father built
I want a love that will rise with all power over adversity
I want a love that people will flock to see if it is real
I want a crucifixion type love

I want a love that shows my yearning for you
I want a love that even when we argue,
I still have a burning passion & desire to be with you
I want a love that heals
The kind of love that covers the wounds that were dug deep by the knives of infidelity and insecurity
I want a love that makes God get up and dance around his throne every time he sets his eyes on us
I want a crucifixion type love

So with all of that said
Lord, give me the strength to love her like you love me
Like the way you didn’t consider being equal with the Father a thing to be grasped
But you came and gave up your throne for the filth of this world
And in love, you served In the same way
Let me serve her unconditionally infinitely
Let me MAN UP
And quit wasting time playing games
and pursue her like you pursue your church
Because you have chosen me to be entrusted with her heart
So let me cherish it like a jeweler cherishes a diamond
Let me examine it and find out every minute detail about her worth

I want to love her
like Abraham loved Sarah
Like Isaac loved Rebecca
Like Jacob loved Rachel
Like Boaz loved Ruth
Like Solomon loved his Queen
I want a crucifixion type love

So into your hands I commit this relationship
Because I want to love her like you Love your church

I

WANT

a

Crucifixion

type

love

Who are you?

Are you in touch with all of
Your darkest fantasies?
Have you created a life for yourself
Where you can experience them?

I have.

Yes I am ******* crazy.

But I'm free.

No amount of hot water or mild abrasives
could ever rid me off the scuffs you left,
no crudely colored soaps in queer little packaging,
could ever make me feel clean.

Your attempt to invade the deepest part of me.

I may act like its okay,
but silence is the loudest sound.

I would love you if I could,

but I swear to God

his hands still glide over

my body in the night.

And his breath

still

warms my neck when I'm alone.