you say you don’t just want me for my body
but all i hear is you telling me to shut the **** up
so you can tell me how horrible of a relationship this is
how there is no intimacy or romance or love
that we are doomed
simply because you cannot understand
that i do not want to be touched
you tell me i’m right
you don’t understand
you don’t understand what it feels like
to have your choices taken from you
they were not taken from me
they were shredded from my soul
my body has not been mine for a very long time
i’m sorry my body feels safe with yours
my body feels safe enough to relive years of trauma
you’re yelling at me that you feel stupid when i tell you no
my stomach hurts, im too tired, not tonight i’m sorry
but i don’t want to admit that i can still feel their hands on me
that i can still feel their unwanted touch
that my skin remembers what my brain cannot
my body rejects your touch, your love
how can i admit to the control it still has over me
7 years later
you tell me it’s okay that it doesn’t matter
you tell me you’re sorry for making me cry
but all i can hear
is that i am failing you for not handing over my body

it’ll always be he said she said
he says
he’ll always be there for you
but when she says
your friend sexually assaulted me
all of a sudden it’s
“he would never do that”
“he’s so against that ****”
“he’s not like that”
guess i was wrong
when i belived you were my friend

lately i’ve been able to handle
this mess inside my head
i don’t take my meds
unless i separately need them
soon 45 becomes 90
then 90 becomes 135
but i can’t bring myself to reveal
135 is enough for 3 months
i tell myself it’s a safety net
if there’s ever a reason
i’m not able to have them anymore
but i’m scared of the next low
along with the spiral that comes after
all of a sudden they’re all gone
and i’m on my way
six feet under

it’s so hard to start over
you can be used and abused
over and over again
the thing about people like us
the ones who care
and love with everything we have
we are the ones who are most
taken for granted
yet it still feels impossible to walk away
even when you know
you are not wanted
you sit there and hope
even beg for their attention
with no response
sat on delivered
and messages read
but i promise it’ll pass
every day is a battle
but it is a battle you can win
it only takes time

you were always too busy
i was always too sad
i told you i wanted to die
no reply
so i took one two three
fifty sleeping pills
i told you i was scared
no reply
i told you i was becoming numb
no reply
then i fell asleep
with no hope of waking up

when i met you
you peaked my interest
you didn't care about anything
i admired that
i was drawn to you
but i never expected anything
i was numb and heartbroken
i never wanted to feel anything again
after only a week i fell for you
you fell for me too
we only had days left
on our last day together
you asked me to be yours
now we have forever

it hits you out of nowhere
one day he’s there
his broken brown eyes
so full of stories you’re dying
to dive deep into
he’s shown you parts of him
but only here and there
his crooked smile aimed towards you
a smile you could never get tired of seeing
speaking softly of his troubles
you yearn for more
but settle for what he’s given you
hoping time will open those wounds
he’s so deeply hidden
but time goes on
and the less you hear
a text or a short phone call
you beg for more
only to make a fool of yourself
and then he completely disappears
leaving you completely broken and confused
where did things go wrong
what did you do to drive him away
again you were not enough
but you’re wrong
it was never you darling
you are a force to be reckoned with
many will not be able to grasp that
and they will miss you when you’re gone
do not make yourself available
for those who will not put in the same effort
i will not lie to you and tell you that it gets easier
he was never sure what he wanted
you will still love him
but that love will be overpowered
by someone who truly appreciates you
and not just your body but your mind
how it works how it processes
how you perceive the world with such beauty
and every heartbreak will be worth it
because he will show you
how it truly feels
to be loved

today was beautiful
my therapists saw progress
i felt happy and free
but as i laid in bed to sleep
everything came crashing in
my heart and mind are in turmoil
what a fool am i
to think it could even last a day
i just wish for peace
and i envy those
who don’t have to feel my despair

the world around me is spinning
it seems like the ground is out of reach
and i start to drown in anxiety
my life has turned upside down
though i should have expected it
because nothing ever lasts
then i feel your hands softly grab mine
slowly pulling me down to reality
i see your kind blue eyes
and suddenly the flutters of hope
engulf me and i pray
that this will be my forever

i hope i pass on
long before you do
i don’t think i could
learn to live a life
without you
our endless laughs
laughing so hard
our tummies begin to ache
crying on each other’s shoulders
longing for the pain to pass
even when you shout at me
and say awful things
you wish you could take back
i wouldn’t be here without you
and i can’t be here without you

the thoughts scrape and gnaw at my brain
incessantly telling me horrible things
to do to myself
to do to others
these vicious claws shredding my humanity to pieces
you’re worthless
how could ever think someone could love you
you?
i don’t believe this oily, slithering, hissing beast is my own
it wants to devour me
eating what little good memories i have
amplifying it’s horrid voice to feed me more atrocities
it’s never satisfied
i don’t think it’ll ever leave me alone
i think, i fear, this monster
is actually
my own thoughts

before you i never knew
how it felt to be truly loved
unapologetically myself
you accept me for who i am
and i love you for all of your flaws
and all of your perfections

i dream about the way your lips feel on mine
i dream about those stars you talk about
i dream of walking in the desert with you
you’re so far away
but still so close in my heart
i can’t wait
until my dreams come true

i don’t want to leave
the ones that stayed
will they also leave me to decay?
the pain is the dead animal on the highway
my guts hang out from my stomach
and i can’t seem to push them back in
i was a fawn
you ran me over without a second thought
crushing me
they are alive but i am a ghost to them
remember when we used laugh in the woods?
i wish i knew when
why why why?
parts of me have died in the process
have you seen me?
do you wonder?
do you think about me?
i can’t stop playing everything
over and over and over again
i live in a constant state of emotional agony
my brain is deteriorating my body
my heart is glasses
years of neglect have left them cracking, crumbling
i feel my soul spiraling into the void
down down down
it never ends and i am scared of the dark
please please please
make it stop.

it’s getting closer..
i can feel the tips of my toes
wet and ice cold as they start to grab the edge
i felt okay
i felt peace
when did this feeling switch
those past feelings fleeted in an instance
my world started crashing
just like the sound of the water
directly underneath me
destructive thoughts invade my brain
i can’t do this anymore
is it even worth it

my racing thoughts have come to a halt
i can't feel anything
nor can i process anything
i've come accustomed to the numbness
so much that my mind
has joined my feelings
in the pit of nothingness that consumes
my entire being

so i’ll keep writing about you
praying that these words
will speak you back into existence
and everything will be as it was

i was so naive to think he could be different
i sat there on that patio staring
trying to make sense of my surroundings
you reached for my hand and stared deeply into my eyes
your skin was soft to the touch and your pupils dilated
your words calmed me and i couldn't look away
you told me i am charge of what i feel
if i let myself succumb to the fear
that's all i will feel
i stared into those big blue eyes and listened to your honey voice
and willed myself to let go of the panic
you saved me from what could have been
and to you i am forever grateful

they tell me that you're no good
but they don't know you like i do
when they took me away
i knew the sound of your voice
would make me feel safe again
i know we hadn't talked in awhile
but hearing you tell me that
you didn't mind brought me back
to our middle school love
so young and innocent and pure
i wished so badly we could go back
and i could do things differently
maybe i wouldn't have lost you
i wish they could take away
the memories of you because i know
i'll never love anyone like i love you

i feel stagnant
this loop of emptiness goes on and on

they say karma is a *****
and i’ve seen her work her magic
i try to project love and positivity
i try my hardest to make my loved ones
feel important and safe
maybe our world is too bitter
or maybe i am too kind
but i am getting tired
the same energy i so hardly
push onto the world
i keep getting knocked down
and not even by ****** situations
but being put down by my own family
maybe i should just stop being so soft
and turn everything off

i need to breathe you in
fill up my lungs
like the cigarettes i smoke
you taste so much sweeter
than any candy i’ve tasted

you never truly realize
how much you've missed someone
until you hear the sound of their voice
like it's the first time again

though i miss my old friends
they were always toxic to my life
i spent many months alone
with only my family
to keep me company
now i have lifelong friends
friends who truly know me
and accept for who i am
they will never know
how much i truly love them
they are mine and they always will be
they can go far and
i promise you
they will still feel my love
i owe you everything
you saved me even
though you didn't realize
thank you so much

just when you thought
that things might have
started to turn into the
fairy tale you’ve always
dreamed of

the walls of the castle
shatter like glass
the rose garden
bursts into flames
and you start to realize

life is not a fairy tale
and there is no happy ending

why don’t you love me?
you gave birth to me
and held me in your arms
you grew me in your tummy
everything that is me came from you
but like you’ve always said
i am too hard to love
so why am i surprised
that you no longer want anything to do with me
the line went silent
because i couldn’t take your cruelty anymore
i’ll always be the bad guy
the daughter you love when she’s on your side
but when i sit across from you
you put an ocean between us
i’m so tired of swimming my way to you
holding my hand out like a lifeline
begging you to just take care of me
like you never had in your entire life
you tease me and play with me
holding out your hand
and snatching it away before i’m able to grab hold
so i’ll swim back the other way
ripping and clawing back to my sanity
trying not to just float to the bottom
where everything is beautiful and warm
because you no longer want to be my mom

do you think of me
when the world is quiet
and the silence is too loud
do you wonder what happened to me?
what i went through
when we didn’t talk for an entire year
did you wonder if if wanted to die
as much as you did
when the ones you loved the most
were taken from you
did you think about all the nights
you cried in my arms
did you think about how you starved yourself
when i was only seventeen
do you wonder if i did the same?
did you think about me at all?
did you think about how you “lost” me
when you were the one to leave me
what you look back on is not the truth
and due to you i will never be able
to recall exactly what happened
besides the fact that i am the person i am
due to the lack of love and compassion
a child deserved in their becoming years

i feel like a wilted flower
you see the way my head is too heavy
for my small thin frame
it is a burden
for they expect me to shine
to open up my flowers
and be beautiful for them
but they cannot stomach me
when i start to decay
for their lack of care

i love seeing my body bruised and broken
i know that sounds morbid
but they tell their own story in a way
just like the scars on my arms and thighs
i have been through hell and back
but somehow i’ve survived it all
and i’ll keep fighting until i am at peace

i feel like i’m in the middle of a tsunami
the waves of the sea keep crashing in on me
pulling me under unforgivingly
over and over again until i can no longer breathe
i wish i could contradict myself with a happy ending
but there isn’t one
i no longer want to be saved
i want Poseidon himself to drag me down
into to the depths to lie on a bed of sand
and rest there forever

you watched me deteriorate
for an entire year
watched me as i slowly became a ghost
all skin and bone
barely here in the now
“don’t worry it’s in the past now”
maybe for you
but not for me
i was never given an explanation
or boundaries set in place
i thought i could trust you
i never thought you could turn
your back on me
i carried all that weight
the weight i didn’t understand
why i was carrying
it wore me down to the bone
no one checked up on me
no one apologized
except me
when i didn’t even know that i did anything wrong
i was a living corpse on borrowed time
the betrayal cut deeply
i never thought you would turn on me
and then pretend like it never happened
it may be in the past for you
but i am still living in it

my eyes trace over the scissors you hold in your hand
and shear away all the places i resided within you
you don’t even notice when you snip away the life line
the last thread holding it all together
i unravel more and more
just scraps and strings
all lying in a lifeless pile

i miss you at great lengths
an ocean between us
the unknown so scary i can’t confront it
i don’t know what you have been exposed to
i pray that some day you will forgive me
for the things i could not control
and i hope you know it killed me
but i would die a thousand deaths for you
if that is what made you happy and still children
oblivious and pure
ill be waiting
and i’ll still be here
no matter how many miles remain between us
for i will not give up the hope
that you will remember how much i love you
and how much i sacrificed for you
and i could never regret it

don’t bother coming to my funeral
when you were the one to **** me

when we had our first sleep
you warned me that you snored
at first i dreaded it
i thought of my uncles loud snores
how much they annoyed me
don’t get me wrong love
yours could be deafening
but after years without hearing it
it faded from my mind
i never realized i could miss someone’s snore
until i heard yours again

why didn’t you hang up the phone
why didn’t you get a **** test done at 15
why didn’t you tell anyone
why why why why why why why
no one believes you
when you’re a woman you have to please men
you’re trained from a young age to agree
do as you’re told
for if you say no the consequences are worse

congratulations you win
i am nothing more than a ghost
haunting this body
a mere pile of skin and bones
it’s okay
i’ll die for you this one last time
as long as you are happy

i never thought my life could get to this point
my reality has been shifted off its axis
my worst fears are coming true
but the sick part is that i never expected it
i’m programmed to be disappointed
but i thought i could count on you
i never imagined you could be this cruel
i tried so hard
i fought for you
i bled for you
i sacrificed myself for you
how are you able to throw me away
like yesterday’s trash
i think i am in shock
for i thought i could always count on you

my mistake

i sit in the lush grass and stare up at this beautiful monstrosity
i think about how old it might be and how it feels in its old age
lightly leaning my palm against the tough bark  scratching my hand
my eyes search the tree, studying how the gnarled arms are seemly bent wrong
how it looks like it’s had to rebuild itself, the way the trunk swivels, almost like it’s had to rebuild itself and came out wrong
i lean my forehead near the giant hole in the middle staring into the dark abyss
and i sorrowfully apologize
because i too know what it feels like
all the hurt and betrayal turning into angry brokenness and a hole where the heart belongs
silent tears track down my face and i softly whisper
you are not alone

the silence is deafening
it howls in my ears
i lost a part of my innocence when they abandoned me
women i thought i would have forever in my life
my bad i believed when you said you love me
and would never leave me
we’re all broken now and we have no one
we don’t have each other anymore
you broke me when you left and took everything with you
do you like me now?
lying on the floor and curling in on myself
the world seems so big and i am so small
please come back i need you
what happened?

i walk barefoot through the nearby woods
ignoring the small cuts on my feet from the rough terrain
i’ve come to learn to walk on glass very well and comfortable with the pain of it
nearby lies a meadow with grass so high it could swallow you whole
there lies in the middle a large oak tree
i lay next to the tree, leaning my head against its large trunk
you would imagine the bark would be too rough, uncomfortable to rest upon
but this one is different, kinder
it senses our familiar souls and i feel its warm embrace
my eyes start to drift shut against the pillowy base feeling the soft embrace of the thin strands of weeds cut through my skin
my fingers tremble and my body vibrates as i feel the tree’s roots reaching out for me to hold me in their embrace
i’ve been waiting for this moment, my soul screaming to be let out of this flesh
with the last of my strength i reach out towards the roots racing forward to enrapture me
our bodies, hearts, and souls as one for eternity

i crawled over glass
the shards slicing but i didn’t feel it
cuts on my knees, hands, elbows
my body ****** and broken
my face unrecognizable
i didn’t want to
i’ve been used to walking on them
my feet used to the pain over the years
i dragged myself in front of you
lying there before you bare with flesh and soul
but i couldn’t let myself bleed for you anymore
at least that’s what i said
you can see the little cracks where my flesh no longer connects
or at least i hope you can see
i told you it’s okay
we can talk about it later
i just missed you and can no longer stand missing you
i don’t know you anymore
and you’ve never known me
i like to think this past year only put distance between us
but it’s been my whole life
and i have no idea where to start with you
other than the fact that i realized
this is not a life i can survive without you anymore
and when i walked in unexpected and saw you broken
i realized you felt how i feel
maybe not all of it, maybe only a minuscule of the agony
but even a fraction was enough for me
i’m used to living off of scraps
and there’s not much of me left

i never believed in love
or believed it lasted
much less that it didn’t come without a cost
my mind can’t wrap around
meeting someone who upended my life in the best way
you taught me how love is supposed to feel
what love looks like in its purest form
i never thought i would be the one
i was always taught i was unlovable
and “god forbid, i feel sorry for who you end up with”
i am grateful every second of every day
that you proved myself and everyone wrong
i hope my love envelopes you
the way your love does for me
like a warm blanket on a rainy day
i look into your ethereal green eyes
and i see my forever and always
happy anniversary my love

i've been told i should write a book
that maybe that’s my purpose in this life
to share with others how painful this sickness can be
but who wants to write about all the pain they’ve been through and that’s why they are the person they are today
who wants to hear another sob story about not being loved
being abused in all the ways a human can be
i have no purpose in this life
i’ll never be a writer nor anything worth writing about
i’m just another statistic no one cares about
in my bones i know i’m just another walking tragedy
broken and betrayed by the system and their own parents
doomed to walk the same path
or die trying to fix what i never broke and no one cares to understand

i beat this addiction already
found myself on the sand
house of mirrors and whispers
you sent me into relapse
i sat there on my hands and knees ******, drip, drop, drip drop
pleading
what is this hell
was it for a reason
begging for an explanation
PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE!
you ripped the rug from under my feet
sent me down to rot into wonderland
it looks beautiful from the outside
the forty pounds lost are mostly hidden
i paint my hollow face to make it seem more lively
most days i wish i could add a smile to my mouth so it didn’t hurt from all the fake ones i plastered on
i can wear many masks now that im learning how to play
a game i never even tried to be a part of
wonderland isn’t like it used to be
losing weight was a fun addiction
ana helped me when no one else knew what to do
and then she spiraled when i wouldn’t die for her
and now she slips me little cups of tea
and i just drink
i no longer care what else she decides to do to me
it can’t get worse than what’s already happened is what they’ve told me
but down here, i’ve found that to be very untrue
it can always get worse
but it can also feel good sometimes

in a different life
you never had me
you got to live your dreams
and you got your chance at happiness
you never had to marry that vile man
and submit to years of abuse yet again by the only one who is supposed to love you
that nastiness never invaded your heart
and you had children when you could love them the way they deserved
you got everything you were supposed to have
and you never had to suffer for it

i died
in a less permanent way than you
but i’ll keep living in hell
if that what it takes
to give them a better life
i’ll swallow all of it
still being labeled as the bad guy
and you still a hero
i’ll do my best to protect them
to show them unconditional love
and pretend i’m not still dying
your death is permanent and you can’t help
but i’ll do it for them
they have already been through hell
but i’ll try to make it less painful
even if it rips me apart
because despite what they say
i know you’d be proud of me
the sacrifices
all to try to protect them
from the life we never wanted them to have
there is only so much i can do
but ill do it for us, and for them
and i know in my being
you’d be proud
even if they hate me
i’ll swallow it all
for them like you would have
because who else is so selfless
you are dead and i’m still here by some miracle
so i’ll use this chance
to try my best to give them a better life
than we ever had the chance to have

i wish it were me who perished
i hate you for dying on all of us
especially last year when i lost everything
and so did our girls
they had already lost you
and they lost me too in a different way
i cursed you
because it should have been me
they already lost their uncle
and their aunt was taken away from them
it should have been me who died
instead it was you
i hated you for it because at least
if i had died and you had lived
they would have never lost the two people
who cherished them above all
they have lost too much in their short
time on this planet
i’m no longer mad and i no longer curse you
i just wish with all my being
that you were still here
because i miss you
i never got to grieve because i was too busy taking care of everyone
and now …
now i just want you back
and i feel like i took the time i had with you for granted
because i thought we had forever
and i feel so alone
i know you’re still here watching, spectating
i feel you around me and i feel your love
but all i feel is despair and hopelessness and fear
you should have never died

i sit here in the quiet
in the now
it’s funny i expected betrayal from my own mother
but i never expected it from you
and i still wonder why
what was in it for you?
did you get sick pleasure from watching me rot?
you’ve had no issues calling us out in the past
but in a whole year
twelve months
twelve extricating months
you never told me why
why you took everything away from me
you’ve never had any issues expressing your boundaries
boundaries i helped you uphold beforehand
being excommunicated from my own mother and family
because i knew you were right and i loved you
but you couldn’t tell me
i still can’t make sense of it all
and everything is ruined
the two women i thought i could count on
one of them i expected
the other a snake who slithered behind me and bit
i cant forgive either
and i don't know where to go from here
i’m still lost and cannot find my way
and i know i will never be the person i was
my physical and emotional self forever altered
i’m still getting to know myself but i fear i’ll never

i feel time ticking
click click click
like a clock
watching the seconds pass
then minutes
hours
days
months
years
lost
weight settling on my chest
heavier and heavier
so heavy it’s getting harder to breathe
i inhale
and exhale
time is running out
and i want to welcome it
instead of fighting