do you think of me
when the world is quiet
and the silence is too loud
do you wonder what happened to me?
what i went through
when we didn’t talk for an entire year
did you wonder if if wanted to die
as much as you did
when the ones you loved the most
were taken from you
did you think about all the nights
you cried in my arms
did you think about how you starved yourself
when i was only seventeen
do you wonder if i did the same?
did you think about me at all?
did you think about how you “lost” me
when you were the one to leave me
what you look back on is not the truth
and due to you i will never be able
to recall exactly what happened
besides the fact that i am the person i am
due to the lack of love and compassion
a child deserved in their becoming years

i've been told i should write a book
that maybe that’s my purpose in this life
to share with others how painful this sickness can be
but who wants to write about all the pain they’ve been through and that’s why they are the person they are today
who wants to hear another sob story about not being loved
being abused in all the ways a human can be
i have no purpose in this life
i’ll never be a writer nor anything worth writing about
i’m just another statistic no one cares about
in my bones i know i’m just another walking tragedy
broken and betrayed by the system and their own parents
doomed to walk the same path
or die trying to fix what i never broke and no one cares to understand

i crawled over glass
the shards slicing but i didn’t feel it
cuts on my knees, hands, elbows
my body ****** and broken
my face unrecognizable
i didn’t want to
i’ve been used to walking on them
my feet used to the pain over the years
i dragged myself in front of you
lying there before you bare with flesh and soul
but i couldn’t let myself bleed for you anymore
at least that’s what i said
you can see the little cracks where my flesh no longer connects
or at least i hope you can see
i told you it’s okay
we can talk about it later
i just missed you and can no longer stand missing you
i don’t know you anymore
and you’ve never known me
i like to think this past year only put distance between us
but it’s been my whole life
and i have no idea where to start with you
other than the fact that i realized
this is not a life i can survive without you anymore
and when i walked in unexpected and saw you broken
i realized you felt how i feel
maybe not all of it, maybe only a minuscule of the agony
but even a fraction was enough for me
i’m used to living off of scraps
and there’s not much of me left

the silence is deafening
it howls in my ears
i lost a part of my innocence when they abandoned me
women i thought i would have forever in my life
my bad i believed when you said you love me
and would never leave me
we’re all broken now and we have no one
we don’t have each other anymore
you broke me when you left and took everything with you
do you like me now?
lying on the floor and curling in on myself
the world seems so big and i am so small
please come back i need you
what happened?

sometimes suicide
is screaming
I hate you
To the mirror
And carrying on with your day.

you say you don’t just want me for my body
but all i hear is you telling me to shut the **** up
so you can tell me how horrible of a relationship this is
how there is no intimacy or romance or love
that we are doomed
simply because you cannot understand
that i do not want to be touched
you tell me i’m right
you don’t understand
you don’t understand what it feels like
to have your choices taken from you
they were not taken from me
they were shredded from my soul
my body has not been mine for a very long time
i’m sorry my body feels safe with yours
my body feels safe enough to relive years of trauma
you’re yelling at me that you feel stupid when i tell you no
my stomach hurts, im too tired, not tonight i’m sorry
but i don’t want to admit that i can still feel their hands on me
that i can still feel their unwanted touch
that my skin remembers what my brain cannot
my body rejects your touch, your love
how can i admit to the control it still has over me
7 years later
you tell me it’s okay that it doesn’t matter
you tell me you’re sorry for making me cry
but all i can hear
is that i am failing you for not handing over my body

i never thought my life could get to this point
my reality has been shifted off its axis
my worst fears are coming true
but the sick part is that i never expected it
i’m programmed to be disappointed
but i thought i could count on you
i never imagined you could be this cruel
i tried so hard
i fought for you
i bled for you
i sacrificed myself for you
how are you able to throw me away
like yesterday’s trash
i think i am in shock
for i thought i could always count on you

my mistake