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 Mar 2015 Nirmalee
Hilda
Fourteen years ago when I held you in my arms, it seemed surreal. So fragile you were and like a tiny doll. Only God knows how much I miss being able to pick you up and hug you tightly close to my heart whenever I feel depressed.
And yet I love you now all the more. You are so special to me and always shall be. Our family has shared so many joys and so much heartbreak through the swiftly passing years.
You are sunshine and daybreak and iridescent rainbow hues.
The baby has been replaced with a very special friend.


Happy Birthday Sweet Daughter!


Much Love,
From Your Mother
copyright  Hilda   3/20/15
 Mar 2015 Nirmalee
kyla marie
tides
 Mar 2015 Nirmalee
kyla marie
cover me in your bloodstained bed sheets
that still smell like cigarettes and ***
from the night she left
mid-august

press your ears against my chest
listen to my heartbeat
write a song to the rhythm of what keeps me grounded,
but all of the lyrics are about her

title it her name

we always talk about the ocean
and how listening to the tidal waves
can bring peace
to a restless mind

but we never talked about
the strength of waves
and how they can ware down
grounded rock
to
helpless grains of sand.
I wrote this on my fourth night of being hospitalized to the thought of you.
 Mar 2015 Nirmalee
pixelstar
caught in the light
frozen in spaces
love filling places
electric fright

the moment before
expanding to singularity
undulating from uncertainty
wanting more

fallen hearts beat
feeling without touching
desire fuelled clutching
two halves meet
 Mar 2015 Nirmalee
Izzy
locked smile
 Mar 2015 Nirmalee
Izzy
A
smile
is
a
lock.
 Mar 2015 Nirmalee
Harsh
At the slightest sign of sadness,
you're offered a chocolate, a tissue, a hug.
And eventually everyone says that
"you're going to be okay,"
and "it gets better."
A few pats on the back and
a mug of warm tea later,
you're expected to smile back and say
"you're right, I'm fine now."

What no one tells you is
that it's okay to cry.
No one says it's okay to admit
that your world is crumbling
and you just need a minute to let it out.
I swear it is, it's always okay to be sad.
Don't listen to their clichéd
"you're too pretty to cry" or
"you're too strong to cry."
Look past their temporary comforts
and their good intentions.

It is always okay to be sad,
there is no shame in shedding tears.
Let the feeling in your heart
envelop you completely and
let yourself sink in your sorrow.
Clench your teeth and your fists, and
let your lungs siphon oxygen to your veins
in between each shuddering breath,
scream all that you hate
into the gaping void in front of you
and let the echoes of your suffering
reverberate and echo through
the gaping hole in your chest
and remember

it's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay to let yourself
into that nothingness,
so long as you come back.
Always come back.
Come out of the bathroom,
come out from under the sheets.
Come out of your self-mandated exile,
come into the open and breathe again.
Let the sunlight clear the darkness,
let the fresh air rejuvenate your lungs.

Remember what it was to be broken
and work to be whole again.

Remember that it's okay to cry.

Just promise me you'll always come back.
Just a reminder for when the dark days come.
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