I had to do it again.

I had to willingly
walk into the face of danger
and get rid of another stray
you let in.

My hand still hurts.

You are the most beautiful person I have ever known.

I have seen you beaten
and bruised by men
you have loved.
I have watched you struggle
for years with your own demons
of addiction, depression, poor choices
and lost loves.
I have seen your face
cry
far too many times.

Through the years
we have waxed and waned,
driven each other mad
with rage
and consoled each other
on our darkest days.
We have laughed,
cried,
screamed,
loved
and hated ourselves,
together and separate.  
I have left your side,
sometimes with thoughts of never returning,
of leaving behind all the pain
of our lives together and seeking my own pain,
only to return to you always.

We  got high together,
got clean together,
and have been everywhere in between.  
There were times
when you have been

so spun out

that you were unrecognizable
as a human
except
for your shape.
Other times you have been
the sole beacon of lucidity
in the dark chasm
of my
great
nothing.

Throughout all the beatings
we have suffered at the hands of others,
all the times some stray you let in robbed us,
all the dope deals gone bad,
the missed holidays,
the broken promises,
lies,
the good intentions gone bad,
through all of that your unshakable faith in
God
has always been a source of your inspiration to go on,
to move forward,
to keep smiling and more importantly,
to keep loving others.
Your willingness to help those
who are in need,
those
that have have hurt you,
and even
those
that you know are going to
hurt you,
has been both a source of
consternation and frustration
along with teaching me
how to love others,
how to have compassion.

You are the most beautiful person I have ever known.
I love you, Mother.

Remember when you told me you loved me? When you’d call everyday? When love meant forever?
People keep telling me to stop this feeling cause it’s my love for you that’s a crime,
I don’t want this love to rhyme.
You see when you left there was this hole in my chest when you got on that plane and never looked back.
I was fine before you came around, and now I’m standing here on the edge of love .
I ran so far from all you never gave me but I keep tripping back to who you used to be, to who we used to be.
And everytime you walked by and watched me fall, I got right back up without your love
Now you're here telling me it's all my fault
Telling me it was a mistake
But your promises don’t mean a thing anymore
I never wanna see you
Never wanna feel you
No I don’t love you
I cant stand you
Tell me this isn’t a dream, just tell me it's real,
Cause hating you has been the hardest thing i've ever had to do.
But please don’t come back, i've come this far without you because unlike you I learned the hard way, I spent long lonely nights crying myself to sleep for the boy who never cared enough.
Baby what i'm saying is there’s no more you and I
Im done with this, feeling like an idiot
Your love, Im so over it.
You don’t care what I say, so I’ll just love you anyways
The end is so disgusting
It's such a tragedy

Am I relevant enough to scribble my name
on the dance card of your heart?

Your passive loyalty and interest make you to be a *******,
but I've always much preferred the constancy of choreography
and heat on the Fourth of July.

So please tell me why:
Why must I always play the follow
to your non-remorseful lead?

My shiniest records were always for you
as were my collective Saturday nights,
the hours spent practicing and sweating
preparing, only to be worthy.

I should know better
seeing as this is the 14th time
you've broken the gramophone.

Perhaps it's time for a new waltz.