Each year I rummage through my closet
Greens and reds and blacks
I throw things away, deciding that light pink makes my skin look blotchy
I realize that shades of green help highlight the gold in my hair
I get rid of things that fit me too tightly on the arms
Or things full of dryer lint that no longer serve the look I’m going for
As I get rid of some things
I make a plan for how I’m going to replace them

I sit back and admire my my work
Yep, no pink.
Yep, no wrinkly collars.
A new colour scheme for another year

Poke, ****, and scrape
The world doesn’t happen to me I happen to the world

Two people,
Two energies
Two different paths
Two different points of connection

Precarity blinks open its sleepy eye
A reminder of the things in the dark
Death, destruction,
A rug pulled from beneath your feet

One minute
In love and excited for the future
The next
Hand broken from punching the granite counter
A casket lowered into the ground
The smell of your old lovers sweater entwined with a hundred stale lies

The smell of liquor on your breath brings me dread
Mixed with a low passion deep in my belly
I know that you’ll lick me extra nice
But also lie to me, be inconsistent, and in no way like the person I created in my head for you

I play different narratives in my head sometimes so that I don’t have to face reality
I pretend that people care about me the way I crave to be cared about
That I’m desired and seen and made to feel important
I think about it so much I don’t think about too much else
I forget to think about myself and other things because I spend so much time in my own stories

Pack up your things
Fold your heart neatly into a cloth
Nurse it
Keep it warm
And keep walking
Everything else is just beyond the horizon of your perception

Someone’s wearing a cologne that I’ve smelt and I don’t know where

Who I have become
A maker, A sturdy do-er
Calm and confident and kind

I get up from the ground, gravel rocks falling from dented skin
And offer you the flower I found on the ground

Suzy homemaker with scars on her hands and arms
With old cookbooks and rocks in her pocket

Crying into my bathwater
Wondering when it’s all going to end
Wondering what’s beyond the next doorway
And what the journey is going to look like getting there

I hold the knife,
I always hold the knife
Ready to cut

Your soul and my soul have known each other for a long time
We were placed here
You had to hurt me to grow
And I offered it to you
I offered to feel every ounce of pain for you so that you could grow
I hope it worked

Sometimes it’s so okay
It’s in the past
Others I remember sitting with you
Feeling not so alone

When I ground myself in reality sometimes it’s jarring
I’m talking to myself, I’m alone in my own head
Sometimes it feels like everyone I’ve ever known is in there

Behind the computer screen it eats your brain like a caterpillar on a leaf and tells you you like it. You like it. Hours, days, months. You like it. Outside the world is burning but your eyes are transfixed, your soul mind heart body eyes ears attuned to only one thing. The thoughts can’t reach you there. The fire can’t burn you here. But the fire is burning you. You are burning but you don’t care. You like it. It tells you that you like it.

Fleeing
Eyes closed
chased by a philosophy
Rather than a lion
I think I’d prefer the lion

You came over last night
We laid together in the dark and it felt like you never left
This morning I made you coffee and you kissed me goodbye
I went to sleep again because I didn’t need to be up and when I woke up again it was like I changed timelines
You were there and we were together and then you were gone and I was alone
It was nice while it lasted
But it was like itching a mosquito bite and now I’m aware of it and I want to itch it again and
It’s annoying
More than anything it’s annoying
But loving you is so sweet and so beautiful and I’m not ready to let it go and I don’t know if I want to

I felt something new
I felt community
And joy
And ease
I felt like I could speak like myself
That I could connect with sounds and movements beyond words
That I was funny
And I fit without needing to try

I looked at you and I saw the stars
I looked in your eyes and I felt a raw, oozing wound, ready to bleed if you asked me to

You thought that I’d forgive you
When you slipped through the night like a black handkerchief in the wind
When you held your lips tight

But I didn’t

Over time, the rain could no longer bring joy. the car rides were only to work. To responsibility. Food became necessity. No fun in necessity. Shared, but not. Satisfied, but not.

Everything we loved together became grey. Everything we shared became pain. Responsibility. Burden.

For being raised by a misogynist I have some really ******* large claws

Life is the bag of colourful Knick knacks that my nan picked off of the street
Like putting your hand in a bag of jax blindly
Drawing out different and new unexpected things

Nothing is going to change the fact that you’ve stabbed me
But I’m taking away the knife.

A professor enjoying my individual creative work
And a boss recognizing my ability to work with little support
Two men appreciating me for my brain

I’ll be here building my foundation
So that I’m strong enough to carry myself and the ones that I love

Im so happy to remove you from everything
To pick you out of every piece of my life
I hope you know I won’t find you between my toes
I hope you know that in a years time you’ll only be a name on paper

One hour car ride

His head on my shoulder
Sleeping peacefully beside his two best friends in the world
The people who love him the most

They’re talking about how they’re happy they know you
How happy that you guys could all make a family
How lucky we were to find each other and how excited we were for the future

His head on the pillow
In his best friends bed,
Safe,
Happy,

His girlfriend comes in crying
His best friend tried to look up her skirt
His best friend

my brain overtrained in ways to say no, ways to guard my well being
why is it that I never listen to my brain until it's too late, why do I disregard the gut feeling telling me I don't need to drown myself in my terrible habits
that these habits can take everything away from me
my brain is the only thing telling me no
it used to be a whisper, but now it's a stern voice
it's progress but it's nothing in comparison to the rest of my body screaming yes
my heart beating wildly in my chest and my veins burning in my body
when I need reassurance I tell myself just one more time
sometimes I don't even try to hide it, I'm lying to myself and I know it
I'm watching myself act like a ****** in it for the thrill
the funny thing is I know I'm not stupid, I know I'm able
but I'm weak and my body bends at the knees everytime I find a way to get myself off
I act like someone completely different than I feel
I make these decisions wildly, ignoring the sweet, smart girl I am