Clearly it's not known
                  Otherwise this turmoil would have been avoided.
The Power to Entice,
                       Intrigue,
                  To Better,
                  To Breathe.
The striking power of a helpless soul
                    With so much strength
She crashes down.
                  Into a place never thought Real.
Only growth is required
                                   To possess what you desire.
The strength is there,
                                waiting to be used.
Bottled up,
                  building pressure.
                                 Concentrate the inferno
Go where you want,
                                let nothing
                                  Interfere.

Mind and Heart have switched places.
          The Heart will always cherish you,
                                    Keep you near
               Because you unconsciously provide less fear.
    The Mind knows this impossible,
                                           Absolutely no worth.
So this 10% beginning to fade
As maybe the rest already has.
                            Just a tiny glimmer of light
                                Never a reason to shine bright.
So back to waiting,
                                it never ends.
This time will be easy...
                                       I won't feel every second.

It just feels so clear to me
                   So painful that you don't see
To paint a beautiful word-filled picture
                 Would be a waste
                   And absolute blister,
On the side of your life
                                     too many complications
I won't add more,
                              said mostly all my thoughts.
It's time to make the bed,
             Let go of the Tokens
                                  Simple Memories.
Pains the heart as meanings change
             But there was never anything for you
                                     Anyway.


**July 15, 2013

I'm pretty sure this is over
             Only one fight
All we've ever had.
          No communication
                               Only yelling,
                                                      Co­ntrol
Fight to be heard.
                So you left.
                                   Walked away,
Turned around before all was done.
             What happens now when
                                         No other door seems to be open.
Does this end,
                       Do I take back?
Because you never gave me anything.
                                          I never asked for return.
I will not point fingers,
                                      or try to place blame.
This is simply a situation
                            That I'd rather not be in.
So when you are ready,
                                 Please do come around
I just hope some things are different.
                                     Not too lost to be found.
Yet if you come back,
                            and I feel an attack.
This is it,
               I am done.
                                  No Turning Back.



**July 15, 2013

Sometimes when I think too much my
brain just turns to mush.
But it still works
The neurons still firing
The blood still pumping
Still searching for the logical
                                               Illogical.

This is my release
                             how it pours forth.
Feelings were never allowed...
At least the feelings I had
                                           Have.
Not the feelings I was 'supposed' to have.
They were and are irrelevant because they are
                                                             ­              Not Yours.
What felt by me never accepted,
                             Never even allowed to say.
So Now.
               When I want to communicate my feelings
                          My desires
                          My Love
                                                 I cannot.
There is just below
                              Zero self worth.
How could there be any?
When were there moments where this
           Was good enough
                                            When I was more than expected?

These words
                    and painful concentration
are all I've ever had.
                  Validation of these words my only worth,
Yet I always feel they could be better...

Maybe it takes a while to Trust,
                            Maybe I Trust too easily
I always seem to feel scorned
             Thought I had one solid Friend
                    With which that did not happen
Nothing was a competition,
                                             everything was fair
                                              everything could share
Except not,
                   because I know you don't share all
                         And won't bare forth
                   So why am I expected to melt?
My being cast down by this constant light
               Burning my flesh,
                                               my spirit to the ground.
4, 5 feet,
              How many left to travel?

Then there is You.
                            I think of you...
in the back of my mind and these words
                                            Find Breath.
Everything breathes easier with you.
So I cherish those moments,
                    Those moments where maybe
I actually felt like Me.
                                  or who I want to Be.
So those Tokens remain important
                      As do You.
And my wish,
                      that I cause Smiles...
                      Small moments of bliss
                      As easily as you do for me...
I try so hard, yet it remains
                                              A wish.

When I walk,
                      I constantly kick the gravel
The weight of my head
                                     too much for my neck...
This piling dirt too heavy to withstand.
                     Confidence gone,
                                                  if ever actually there.
I assume that there is nothing
                 No future reference
                                      of
              ­                            Me.
These words my actual thoughts,
                One place I'm allowed to be Real.

Things change after moments
                                       which we cannot take back.
All I want is to feel appreciated
   To feel like I Matter
Life I make an influence,
                                       That I can Impact
That my presence does make a difference.
        All I want is to go back to how it was,
                                      Before actions turned things around
       As I knew they would.
                                             Which is why things stay Hidden.

Just accepted that No one will feel.

       But I want us to grow.
            Become better than what was.
You don't have to change your actions,
                                    That would be changing You.
I already love You.
                                Wouldn't want to change.

How do I learn to communicate verbally?
                   Without this pen as my
                                                          Stri­king Weapon.
How can I feel comfortable
                                  Saying my inner emotions?
Always vulnerability
                                 Always fear.
But with You
                     somewhere I Know
           You're Listening.
                                      So this paper version of Me
is given Breath.
                         Forced off the page and is Real.
How I wish that Power was Known.
        So here again left with these thoughts,
                             Always Searching
Not always relevant.
                      But if I could just ask a question...

What does your brain prattle on about?
                  When no one is talking,
                   When things are quiet,
                   When walking, driving,
                                                        ­ Being Alone?
What happens inside,
                                  Where does the mind run?
Because if someone has a way
                  To turn this off,
                  To preoccupy with something else
                   To make this Stop.
I urge you to share.
          Then again,
                               it must be boring in your mind...
Sometimes it leads to an adventure,
                                   An incredible concept
                                   A beautiful Thought.
   How many have you had?
Why must I be the one to change?
              Learn who I Am.
                        Who I am becoming.
Do not force ideals down my throat.
                            My opinion is strong,
                                        This often obvious.
Do not feed me lines
                                 and hurtful phrases when I know
You've done the same,
                                   done worse
         And Smile and the memories.

Recognize that I am a Person
              With strong,
                                        cognitive Thoughts.
Feeding me these lies
                                   and Tantrums
will send me the opposite way.
                There is no instructing
                            Guidance.
               ­                       Act of Love.
Simply commands.
                                 Follow orders.
When told not to push the red button
            Do you not desire to
                                              Only push the button?
Stop giving me reasons
                   But also know that a lot of this is
                                  For Me.
Not to make you mad,
                                    Or go against you purposely.
I want these things,
                                    Desire for many years.
It's unfortunate you do not approve,
                                             That it will disappoint
                                                 But it will Happen.

All that is left is this hell bending effort
              to say how I feel
Regardless of the outcome
                 Because I cannot live life
Without acting upon my
                                            Desires.





**July­ 11, 2013

So the token was found
It's here and now.
Find comfort in the physical.
Something to hold.
It's real.
The texture, the feel
And I Know it was real.
It was not just a beautiful dream.
It was Beautiful life.
I with the power held was known.
If not for me, then just to know it possible.
That you could have the everlasting
If you believe in it.
If you want it.
I don't know why I am here
Or why our paths seemed to magically cross.
Fate, destiny? "Meant to be"
If we just wait, things will turn out exactly as they are supposed to be.
That's just it.
This giant waiting game with almost nothing to keep me holding on
But here I am.
This grip is strong.
I could not let go even if I wanted.
So I'm 10% waiting.
90% there.


                                                                                                               **July 6, 2013

I've all these Tokens...
        Tangible
                       and not.
That remind me of you
         When I think of you
          Because of you
              All of You.
                                   That Random Smile...
                                                                         Yours.
So when I lose that one
                 There was anger,
                                              frustration,
                                Sadness.
                                  Lost.
Yet there is still the memory
               of where we were
                    what we did
         And maybe you still have yours...
That would cause my heart to soar
        Because maybe you care
                     Maybe it meant something.
So Yes;
             I'm still on the hook
               Whether wanted or not

It's still the cat.

                            So I cannot let go
                                                         Not Yet.
Still holding onto that 10% hope
                    Until something forces it gone.





**July 5, 2013

INTERACT*                                                       ­                           CLARITY
                          ­                                        
  
                 Passed This;                                                            ­          Will happen once
                                     There...                                                         ­ Everyone gives in,
        All that is Hate.                                                            ­              and lets go.
                                    Gone.                    ­                                          So many unneeded things.
      Not possible                                                         ­                         Purely Want.
They,                                                      ­                                             Let go of the
           maybe We                                                               ­                  Manufactured Desire.
                Past This?





*June, 25 2013

Time is not a
      *luxury



TIME is
         NOT
                                                         ­                 All this time,
                                                           ­        have we always had
                                                             ­         it, or are we just
                                                            ­           conscious of it?
                                                             ­         days and nights,
                                                                ­      moons and suns,
                                                                ­       always passing,
                                                        ­            have always passed.
                                                         ­      What did those people do?
                                                            B­efore things were so calculated,
                                                    y­ear, month, day, hour, minute, second.
                                                         ­     Form of communication...
                                                ­                         Necessary?
                                                      ­          Mother of invention.
                                                      ­               Time is living,
                                                         ­  Nothing can exist without it
                                                        Becaus­e then nothing would pass,
                                                        you­r heart could not beat because
                                                        T­hat would be a measure of time.
                                                           ­ Transport to higher being?
                                                   Become something other than human?
                                                          ­       Higher Intelligence?
                                                   So how do we become outside of this?
                                                    Outside­ of this incessant counting...
                                                     ­         Where one can Truly
                                                           ­                  Be.


*June, 25, 2013

Sometimes when you think it's not enough,
                                             It's more.

These shallow waters run deep
                                           away from eternity.
I cannot hold that long...
            
            Oh please won't you try?
We don't have to go far.
                                       Just till you get scared.
And maybe a few steps more.
                             I'll be by your side
                             To hold if fear there.
Don't worry
                     I won't tell...
This moment
                    Of weakness
                                          Doesn't count
Never seen
Never heard.
                     But I'm still here
                                         A secret garden...

Yet,
        If not tended,
                             mended,
                                            appreciated
 ­                  Eye will over grow
Become too much
                            For both
                                           Just try.
                            For sanity.
                                             Say you've been there
                             For Real.


                                                         ­                                                                                               .                 **June 19, 2013

No matter how many times you plan it out,
Think it over in your head
               Analyze everything.
Try to see every logical
                                      and illogical
                Point of view.
Cover
           all
                 the
                         bases
Tell yourself you know who you are.
                                       What you are doing.
You've got morals set
                                   or beginning
Every situation will call into question those
                Things once though
Concrete.
                           Never concrete
Nothing is solid until confirmed
                                                   How to fulfill?
Justification?
                       Two
                               Equal
                                         Parts
         Agreeing?
                               STOP.
And let things happen.
                                      Don't try
                                      But try
Like waiting for a fish...
                     Let out that hook
                                                            Wait...
Expect,
             Without expecting,
                                               To catch that gem.

How to be so patient,
                                    so willing,
                                     So.             Controlled.
To allow such pondering,
                                           as many moons pass...
Is this faith?
                     To just disallow?
Is there not
                      Always
A Choice?
                     Because actions affect All
My choice to change,
                                   to act,
                                   to say,
                                   to be,
                                   to love,
                                   to create,
                                   to wonder,
To Exist.
                To act without thinking ahead,
                          the logical illogical.
To stare in that mirror...

In the moment morals?
                                      No.
           Similarities.
                               Be logical,
                                 For
                                        You.
Without thinking
                              too much.
                                                Maybe Happiness
                             Will Follow.


                                                                                                                         **June 15/19 2013

The moon flies high,
The sun dips low
       The stars come out.
Dredging up this thing called Hope
                And spirits fall to empty
                                                        no where left to go.
When found to be within the state of Hope
                     Get Out.
A timid,
              frightening,
                               ­  joyful,
                                             soul-wrenching
place                    to                  be.
Cannot stop
Cannot control it.
                              Everything can be controlled
Because those words...
                      I know there were not meant for me
Those
            Last                                     someone else gets to make you happy... everyday.
                      Three
                          ­        Words.
     The message
      The Hope
The you want to be there
         Not here
         Not my arms.
                Hope is an empty void
Both uplifting and demolishing
                                                   At the same time.
Must be controlled.
                                 Is being controlled.
         You do not want me.
My heart has skipped many a beat for you.
               Time to get that steady rhythm back.
These will have no more titles
                          no more thoughts
                          Just Release.
I apologize for being that naive
                                  That much of a Joke
                                  For holding that much Hope.
You'll put that easy smile there
               with one extra just for you.
Put there oh so easily.
                                                                ­                        Love to see you shine.
               Sorry for being ignorant
               Sorry for playing the fool.
My heart holds onto much
Including the memory of you...
                                                   Someone will be lucky to just have You.
As more moments pass,
                                       this will likely be easier
As long as that smile...
                                       never parts from your face.


                                                         ­                                                 **June 12, 2013

What is on my mind?
Well take a look at what I write.
               These are what I choose to say.
What I understand.
                                Or think I understand
                                          For now.
For thoughts are always forming,
                                        growing,
       ­                                 evolving,
            CONSTANT

­Things need to change.
              Become different.
And not just with me.
           With you.
           With Others.
                                 With the World.
            With the way our souls connect.

You have no idea what is going on in a strangers life.
The least you can do is put
                                           a Smile on
                                      For them regardless
                                        of how you feel.

It does not matter what you say,
                            what you do.
As long as you make a kind gesture
To acknowledge an "Others" existence.

We do not need analysis,
Theories made up and 'proven'
Words over drawn and meanings miscarried.
Thoughts over done and
Spoken words misleading.

All we need is that reconnection
Reclaim what we once had.
               The Beauty of Everything
                    At our fingertips,
                     In our full grasp.
                  Lost.
                           But not gone.

While I say this,
I understand that I cannot know how
Things actually were way back when.

But look at the people right now,
Living in similar situations as those before us.

                        Yes.
                               They still exist.

They are Happy.
Though they have little.
Often none.

So where I am.
Where we are.
Is not where I'm supposed to be.
    Not where I can exist.
    Not where We can exist.

Where personal destruction found
Worldly disaster will soon follow

As we destroy ourselves,
Help each other dig those graves...
We are also destroying earth.

So how can we live,
     How can I stay alive

How to get there?
        This abysmal place where all is well.
These material things cannot follow
                They weigh down,
                        Provoke,
                Provide measurement.

There should be no scale.
Each moment should be one to share,
                                        one to learn,
                                        one to grow,
                                        one to offer.

The greatest gift you can give to others is to let them Experience You.

The greatest gift others can give to you is to let You Experience Them.

                                                               ­                                                   **June 7, 2013

My soul feels full.
                             So much waiting to burst forth,
My mind the only block,
                                        Simply not allowing to write.
So now I sit here with these charged thoughts
This Chaos of words waiting to be
                                                          Organi­zed.
Most of them revolve around the same thing
              Those I have been trying to suppress.
But before my soul can properly divulge into the rest of the
                                  Chaos
Those words must be filled.
The empty potential on the page given life.
                 Because my heart remains with that 10%.
So give me reason to shed it
                                          to move my heart forwards.
Tell me you felt nothing.
                                       Tell me you're not intrigued.
Tell me you're not interested.
                             Then my heart can move forward with sorrow...
                   But Forward and On it shall
                               Go.


**May 28, 2013

I Trust these words will present themselves
            Nervous though I may be
So many Political,
                             Religious,
                                            Societal,
­                          Problems.
Let Me Talk.
                      It will be eye opening.
      Presented in a new way.
Because what is prattled on about
                                            pretty useless
                       in the grand scheme of things.
My words will present a Reality.
                                                    If only you would listen.

My soul is unique,
                               cherish-able.
             I will help you become what is necessary
                                    For You.
Whether I know it or not.
                 That is my soul.
Because the little things are what people care about
                  Even if they don't consciously notice.
                               They smile.
                              Soul at ease.
I am a True Treasure
                                  that could do more than already managed.
Maybe I'm being conceded,
                                           Maybe I think more people should keep me around.

I want to make a change
               More direct than others.
So be somewhere with influence
         But start with the masses
Change comes from  people
                                            From those being effected.
We outnumber our suppressors
                        If only we could rally up.
If all goes well,
                        become the force that binds together
                                    unnoticed, yet
Noticed.

**May 28, 2013

I may be afraid to write
but only because I don't want it to be about you...
My heart already knows you're always on my mind,
My mind has already accepted it.
      I'm just waiting to not feel,
Hoping something could. will happen.
             But just waiting not to feel.
Sadly like all the others faded away.
But this is different?
                                 I don't know you'll stay around.
But I hope you will.
                                 I want you too.
Fact is. You're unreal.
            That's not going to change.
If you Vanish,
                       how will I know you were ever real?


**May 9, 2013

Ask me what a True Friend is,
Without knowing it, I was describing you.
Yes you're weird,
                            I'm weird.
       We're weird.
But it's hard to find irritant when emotion backed up so logically.
                               You're a Grounder.
                                No ******* accepted,
                                Sympathy when needed.
                                Sound Advice offered.
                                Always listened,
                                Always supported.
Never noticed.
                       But you're still here,
Astounding no effort required.
It's nice to know someone's always there.
No matter how much time may pass.
     A silent support system
     That can always become loud.


**May 9, 2013

So many conflicting thoughts,
As time ticks on the clock.
     What to do,
                        Where to go?
      Time ticks on the clock.

So many shocked ideas,
So Hard to find the Truth.

     Time ticks on the clock
             What to do,
                                Where to go,
      Time to find the Truth?
       Settle down,
                           Find 'Home Ground'
                Create the Standard Life?

So many hard times fought
That impact carries on,
       Time ticks on the clock.

Never been the standard
Don't know my good manners,
         So Hard to learn falsehoods...
       Time ticks on the clock.

You want to change the world?
Control conflicting thoughts.
                                Don't know Home,
                                Where I'll go?
       Time ticks on the clock.

Find a settle
                   or use the chaos
Control conflicting thoughts.
                       Create no standards,
                                                      ­   No good manners.
       Time ticks on the clock...




**May 9, 2013

Searching for the right words.
They do not yet exist.
                                   If they can.
Feelings are constantly forming.

                   But I'm scared.
                                                         ­                    Mark of the unknown.
Mind tells heart to stop.
Heart tells mind to prepare for pain.

          This pen my avenue to Truth.

Desires shattered by storms of doubt.
Fierceness kept within the confines of my being
Threatening further personal destruction if the winds do not soon perish.

                     Experience.
                                       The test.
                    Time.
                              Eye­ of the storm.
                    Patience.
                            ­      My only skill.

Doubts and Fears do not have to be felt alone.

                            Let time be the promise of perfection.




**Written sometime... Discovered April 20, 2013

Round and round we go
Don't know where is home
           What is home?
What is
What is
So many questions
So many things to discover
What will happen
Where will I go

So many things to tackle
No idea what will happen
What to say
What to try
         Possible to know?

Where are all these words coming from?
Where do all these thoughts originate
Why does it seem like I can't write about anything else


**Written sometime... Discovered April 28, 2013

Your conservative stance lacks progression
Yet what we consider good, fair, and democratic: A turmoil of mess built for profit.
Your ancient religion lacks moral conviction
Yet look at the heart of them all - Same.
And so it was written, so blindly accepted.
Don't just accept. Read. Re-read. Analyze. Understand.
Ideals built by mad bricks melt by the heat of each new day.
Direct the inferno to keep what needs to remain.
Solids back to liquids. Innovation, restructure. Morality intertwined.
Everything is already at your disposal.
Buried within the confines of your cosmic being.
Let it surge and you can become you - Happy.
America: the Mecca, progression within the question.
What needs to be done?
                                      What is our progression?
                                                                               Does 'America' need to fall?
The holy trinity: mind, body, soul. Understand?
Understand? All three?
I cannot even get my mind to understand my mind.
The greatest powers: the most complex
Eye cannot say anything, but you will do
I will say.
My words will power action.
Full force that no one will be able to reckon with.
It takes patience and a mind for you to realize the 47
So stop investin' in the Wesson, more your fellow brethren.
Patience. Not this month, this week, this day, right now...
This year?  
                 This decade?
                                      This century?
I'm willing to work, bring morality back for my brethren.
Do what is possible, it will surprise the masses.
Shock the masses into beneficial impact.
The fear of chaos, the unknown, exists only in the past.
                                      Organize the Chaos.




*Written April 26, 2013 in collaboration with Jack Preston. http://hellopoetry.com/-jack-c-preston/

We've lost sight.
Lost sight of how easy it really is.
Lost sight of how magical and wondrous we really are.

This power, to speak these words...
to form thoughts into coherent communication,
Organizing all this Chaos.

We've all done it and I'm not going to stand here pretending I am perfect.
I am not.
It is so easy to come up with negative things, always putting people down,
Helping each other dig ourselves 6 feet under before our hearts even stop beating.

Each time words were twisted into hate,
                 you sat along while others made noises you only assumed were joy,
                 you cried yourself to sleep,
                 your only wish to not continue the day... and not to start a new one.
Each time a shovel full of dirt...
Each time the heart beats faint...
                                              
         ­                                              Softer,
                                                         ­            Quieter,
                                           Muffled.
until you can no longer see, hear, feel it. Gone.

               Such a strange place to be;
               You know you exist, you are here, breathing. "alive".
But you do not feel,
do not laugh,
do not smile,
do not feel anger, joy sad, longing, love...
You do not feel.
You do not.

                   There's not even a void, because a void insists something is missing, something needs to be replaced, something needs to be refilled and all shall return to normal.

That is not the way this works, it will never be the way this works.

There is nothing to fill,
                                       No Void.
Just the hallowed out shell of who you once were when you were happy, when you were yourself.
before everything told you it is not O.K to be who you are.
You emptied yourself, decided to start new, build yourself to 'welcome'.

But You could not find anything else worthwhile to put on your shelves.
To decorate your walls,
To fulfill or to satisfy.

So now we're just a shell...
Can't put anything back in because we've been told it's not allowed,
Not right,
Wrong.
And nothing new to put inside.

For years we wander blindly, searching for new things to fill ourselves with,
New morals, goals, ideals, an entire new way of life and thinking.
Only years later to discover we never should have abandoned those original beautiful thoughts.

Because maybe we're just ahead of our time,
This immense tool we have at our disposal; we Respect.
We choose our words and construct them so meaning is not lost or altered.
Do not speak unless it is with the
Air beneath my wings, and a birds song in my heart...

Because I want to recharge you, re-energize you, restore your faith in humanity, in my generation
I want to be the reason you cannot stop smiling that day,
But you cannot figure out why.

Small words and actions can carry the largest impact on a person's soul.
I've lived it.
Sometimes it was all that got me through.
The only reason to make it through the day.

It's not hard to be conscious, almost no effort required.
All you need is to want to be happy, positive...
Want others to smile and feel as you,
              
                 Others feel as you.

Then the negativity will cease to exist.

Feeling wanted,
                                   worth,
                      ­                                 desire
                      My company.
Impacted?
                   All I've ever wanted to do.
Change something, someone,
                                                     Hopefully their version of 'better'
            So,
                                      Wow.
                 Thank You.
I want to keep this feeling,
                 keep impacting,
                 keep being me.
                 keep people around me where I don't have to try.
It's so good when there is no effort...
                                                 Just React.

Blatant Mockery,
                                Don't pass me by.

Cruel objectivity.
                                                Did you give me a chance?
                                                Why was I written off?
Was I noticeably different or did I put myself in those situations because as much as I tried faking everyone else's idea of 'Normal' became exhausting.
                  So That doesn't matter anymore
I will never forget,
                                    taught me so many lessons.
Yet your own inadequacies keep piling up in front of me.
                 Nothing wrong with looking up to people...
Just ensure they're actually worth raising your neck.
                    This is not hate, revenge, or rejection.
This is to acknowledge the fact that you once helped me feel alone, lost, unloved, unworthy, unintelligible, broken.
Like every day a little bit of my heart would dissolve until eventually... nothing left.
I stopped existing.
                   This is to say I forgive you, but I have not forgotten.
                                    Nor will I.
My existence has been jumpstarted.
             Find myself in the middle of everything.
Good people keep happening
                                   Restore Faith
                                   Being Filled
                                No longer alone
                                No longer empty.
Things begin to flow when you don't worry.
Keep busy, distract your mind,
                                                         busy adds to worry.
Delicate.
                 Balance.
So I've moved on.
No dark shadow,
No more living a vague version of My Truth.
No more outside control.
                                           So these walls are coming down,
                                           My eyes burn from the sun,
                                           My jaw aches from this endless smile
                                                    It's getting easier.
                                                       I am Me.

RELATIONSHIP
                                Put load,
                                                  too much trust?
Not enough.
Let more people in,
                Too much, too soon?
Talk during emotion,
                                       not ignore, put off, bottle up.
Let people help.
                                 TRUST.
Initial Reactions?
                                Need for people to know ME
Understand?
             Want open.
                                    Not ready.
                           Can't trust.
People throw away,
                                     turn away,
                                                          walk away,
                                   Easily?
Easy to look up to people,
                                                   don't stretch your neck so readily.
Currently happy
                               even though everything may not be as I want.
So light, so free,
                              Walking steady
                              Where I want.
Get to know deeply,
                                      let what happens, happen.
                             Don't worry.
Accept flaws as I see
            Work to accept?
Bad brutally honest?
                             Don't want to work,
                             Shouldn't have to work so hard
But I can't let go,
                              not easy.
                                               You've made your way in.
Not being with you a distinct possibility,
Yet I still hope we can remain together on some level.

Despite what happens,
                                          I am happy.
And I will continue to make choices that ensure my
                                          Happiness.

I am not anything you say I am.
Simply because you say I am.

Some words frighten me,
Shouldn’t be used for me,
Don’t involve me.

They are things I will always search for in others,
Things I find so easily in others.
                                         Not in myself.
They do not exist.
Though maybe I wish they did.
I am small,
protected and
                             unprotected.
Build up so many walls,
So many towers.

These towers come with guards.
These guards,
expert marksmen.
Half the time I feel lost and confused,
Searching for meaning and understanding….
                                                                                          Not searching at all.
Things just get more confusing,
Things pile on before others get resolved.

Always felt like I was doing what I was told.
Left home,
                     Found different.
                               Grew.

Now I must go back.
Take time off, but really turn time on.
This is not something meant to affect other people,
Though I’m telling myself it will.
This is something absolutely for me.

So maybe these guards, towers, walls will be removed,
Maybe I’ll find meaning, understanding, direction..
Maybe I’ll see in myself those things seen so easily in others.
Those things I’ve been told…
And so quickly, readily, easily
                                                                                                                                                Denied.
I want to find them.

So I will go where ever this search takes me
And I hope some of you tag along.
But just because you’re not, doesn’t mean I’m not
Going.

Alright, so I’m coming home.
But I don’t really know what that is anymore,
And now even the physical appearance isn’t the same.
We’re all home, full house.
How is this going to work? What are we going to do?
Going to a place where my heart is not and cannot be at peace is something that I can no longer handle, and something that I will not force myself to endure again.
So what will happen if this again turns into turmoil?
What if it has not changed?
What if we keep sweeping things under the rug?
I keep tripping over mine.
Stumbling every time I enter, feeling constrained.
So what will I do if nothing has changed?
Where will I go? Where can I go?
There seems to be no other option than to move forward,
Change how we work.
Change.

As you dance between two realities,
Which is real,
                        Which is not?
         Kiss the cat.

Words
Power
Action.
Late.
Torn
Weeks.
Nothing,
Faded.
Arms
Part.
­Hurt.
Point?
Fun.
See
Ache
Going,
Remain.
Keep
Future.

Attempt to be in control
                                             Create a script
                    Pull strings attached to hearts.
Do you do it?

                               I’ve been your puppet.
                            But this is not about me.

This is about the things beyond control.
You cannot account for free will.
Don’t create a plan,
                                     Or script,
                                                  No expectations.

Nothing to be tarnished.
No standards to be met.
                                Everything a blissful surprise.

Is it possible for a heart to drop twice?
Does it fall deeper?
Or does it hit the ground harder?

I don’t know how this happens,
And I don’t know why you insist on torturing me.

Yes, there is jealousy,
Yes, there is anger.
Mostly, there is pain.

                                                      Obvious?

Sick of being the ‘wrong’ girl?
No attempt at being right.
What is halting?
Why does this seem different?
In those moments,
                                     I have never felt more perfectly content.
For not wanting to give that up,
                                                          To move on,
                                                                                    Or forget.
I will not apologize.

Time is time,
I have never really cared for it.
Patience my refined skill nearing perfection.
        Ability to act fine a skill I never intentionally practiced.
My greatest skill.

Time is waiting.
So I practice patience,
If you’re ready to be right…

Prying into the heart of the unknown when you realize
Oportunities are endless if you create them.
Tedious work that results in glowing pride,
Endless discoveries if only interests would show.
Nothing seems to matter, nothing worth my
Time. Yet all this passion has to go some where, those words cannot be an
Illusion. There must be a purpose. I feel it
All around, this pull that I can 'do', like there is something more for me.
L**ingering desire to explain.

I'm not tired,
But bed would be so easy.
Pass time,
                 Past time.
That moment...
                        Lost in time.
Take it back.
This pen declares Truth.
       Not action.
What produces action?
Motive,
             Goal,
                    ...Desire.
Nothing shall Be until I take back.
Waiting,
              Counting,
                          ­     Shaking,
                                              Distractin­g.
                        Fight for control.
Step up to the ledge,
Enough cautiously testing the water,
Leap in
              Head first.
As tension builds lose yourself in the moment.
                     Patient Potential.

Anxious, Excited, Nervous, Scared.
                       NERVOUS.

                                               WHY?

Like the way you make me feel?

About to jump into bottomless pit.
     Anxious, Excited, Nervous, Scared.
Don't want to jump.
                                   Carefully step off the ledge.

Even when you're silent I can still hear your rings.
You think you can hide in the corner of a room,
But light shines from you.
                                            You are endless inspiration.
But my mind goes blank,
                                          I can't control it.
But my nerves soar,
                                          I can't control it.
I have trouble swallowing,
                                          I can't control it.
Focus on breathing,
                                          I can't control it.

My head says give up, but my heart just keeps fighting.
                                        Fighting for control.
As much as I desire,
                                maybe a step back is required.
     But my feelings for you?
I'm sorry,
                                         I can't control it.

I wish I may, I wish I might,
On this star I see tonight,
Take these words as they are
Know that I am not far.

There are certain things that I will not forget,
That night in the hall, missed moment I do regret.

"Could've kissed her" they said,
And even though it's all you were thinking,
All you wanted inside that single moment.
You did not do it,
No explanation why.

Disturbed you can't remember
                Just a few fleeting seconds
                          Half recalled memories.
Smile to myself when I think it happened,
Kick myself for no existential proof.

Is there a connection?
Was it instant?
Does it matter?
Do you feel it?

I wish I may, I wish I might,
On this star I see tonight.
Take these words as they are,
Know that I am not far.

Each time my heart races, and keeping still only a faint idea
Restless body,
Restless mind,
Restless soul.

Put pen to paper and things become real,
But these words of mind you do steal.

Explaining how I feel for you would be no simpler a task
Then describing the taste of water.
                                                   Maybe I like it that way
Something I cannot describe,
Something I cannot put into words.

I accept a humble defeat into your hopefully open arms,
Adding more confusion to the exciting mess I already have trouble making sense of.

Even after the first few times we met,
I saw each new day with a brand new conviction for the beauty they bring.

You've already changed so much, by doing so little.
All I ask is a little time to discover each other.
So;

I wish I may, I wish I might
On this star I see tonight
...Kiss Me.

Love time.
                  Want things
         little left
Lost soul pain
                              Smile new.
Inside
               Fall
                         Maybe home?
Old tears
                Leave thoughts
    Dream true
                               Stop Fear Forever.

The quiet was nice before
But now it's starting to irk me.

It echoes with everything I've been avoiding,
this sinister road on the highway to everywhere.
Instead of no where.

At least no where I would be lost..
Infinite space, time and control.

Contradiction?
                         No.
Stuck in the void means there are no expectations.
Trapped in endless space with only your mind to fill it.
No outside voices, nothing telling you how you should be.

People empower you, want certain things for you, raise you on a pedestal
...You're not even sure you can keep up, to fulfill their desires for you.

But you say nothing...
                                      Keep quiet...
                                                             Float to the background.
As you have skillfully done for years.

Take the situation and control it, own it, make it yours.
Force it to produce the outcome that you, only you wish to see.

Recognize that you desire and work to acquire.
Life is too short to make every body happy, but,
Too long to live alone.

I just need one simple touch
It doesn’t even have to be much

Something to know that people still care
Something to prove humanity still there.

Is there anything that separates us from animals anymore?
Is compassion becoming a chore?

I think before I act and act before I think but both seem to land me in trouble.
Tension hovering at the surface always.
Float above
                         as if no harm can come.
Tempers soar,
Voices raise,
Tension increases.
                                                                                                                                                     Times goes on,
                                                                                                                                                     Memory fades,
                                                                                                                                    Moments never forgotten.
                                                               Always at the surface.
Things have been falling apart.
It needs to be said.
It needs to become real, true, manifested deep within our conscious.
It needs to be fixed, it needs to be solved. None of us can handle it.  
It is never too late.
But it is time to get started.

I have been avoiding this for a long time.
Simply because I know how hard this will be.
Trying to find the right words is an impossible task
Every time I try to confront these overwhelming, hidden emotions my universe implodes.
Suddenly everything becomes meaningless.

                                                                 Void of light,
                                                                 Void of sound,
                                                                And void of emotion.

The only thing that is left is me.
                                                               Just that a ‘thing’.      

Lost in everything where there is nothing to be found.
I try to force my way through this haze of confusion,
This inability to understand my own emotions.
This inability to let myself feel.
This ability to bottle everything up, and
This ability to stray so far from home with no trail leading back…
                                                                                                                                My tears are my only guide.
Full of everything that I have felt and have not let myself feel.
In them lay a world of understanding and clarity that will constantly be out of reach,
For we cannot read our tears.
They are tiny messengers with no message to deliver,
Even if we could read them, there would be nothing to see.
Always left to our own devices, our own thoughts, on your ‘own’.
In the midst of loneliness we must remember we are not alone.
The world is crawling with billions of people,
Chances are someone is willing to listen, because
                                                                               We cannot read our tears.