(i)
It’s wrong of me, I know
To wait around for you to say extraordinary things, sweetheart.
But there’s something so enticing about true love
Wrapped up in fancy scratch paper
With half the lines crossed out
[Those are the best kind of things to say, you know
‘Cause it means I’ll spend hours smashing myself
Between those lines
Trying to fill in the blanks
About who you love,
And why.
… I miss knowing those things
Just a little.]
All tied together with the broken guitar strings
[Where now rest those hummingbird wings?]
You’d tune for me
Before anybody knew who you were
And I was the only one who listened.
I miss the you I knew
The one who told me I was beautiful,
All mismatched and clashed,
Because we were the brains of this outfit,
And how were we to know that
Dreams and reality
Can’t ever
Be worn together?
[At least, that’s what Mother would tell me
When I asked to wear her fancy pearls to bed]
I remember the day before we were expected to grow up
[The day before the sky turned inside out
And suddenly
We were expected to know why it rained sometimes,
Were expected to expect pneumonia if we played in the puddles too long,
Were expected to know black from white
To stay indoors and turn gray overnight.
Yes, the day before all of those expectations rose to meet us,]
We were expected to go to a gaudy dinner party
To boast about ourselves.
And everything we planned to become.
But I hated heels, and you hated lies
So I showed up in fuzzy bunny slippers with my hair done up nice, and you-
Well.
You didn’t go.
There’s something about growing up you never took a liking to.
Everyone knew who you were by then.
And I sat alone as they talked about you
And all of the wonderful things you were becoming.
And I just nodded, picturing the boy I once knew
Yes,
The boy that no one knew
With dreams so big they encompassed the entire sidewalk in chalk
Whenever we sat down to visualize the future
we never really thought would come
There was never enough room for me to color mine
[So I simply signed my name
All small
In the corner
Of that sidewalk gallery of hearts and hopes]
And that’s the way I wanted it
Because-
Well,
I didn’t need a dream if I had you.
(ii)
It was too perfect, really.
Well, I was, I suppose.
Perfectly innocent.
I now see how illogical it is
To assume that a heart can simply be cut away from the chest,
And given.
For it is impossible to do so
[Truly]
No,
You got so much more than my heart, my love
From the ends of my eyelashes to my fingertips
All of me was yours
Yes,
From the frantic way my heart beat against my ribcage
[Like a tiny hummingbird
Wanting to burst free
To taste you with my entire soul
Swallow you whole
Not merely glean a teasing sample with my lips]
To the way it melted through my chest
And slid softly to my fingers
Resting in your palm
Yes,
When you placed your hand in mine
I was clutching the reality I’d only ever dreamed of
[My heart and I were a package deal- and you held both]
Yes, it was the closest I’ve ever been to happiness
Oh, love…
I loved,
With every part of me,
I hope you know.
But I never considered that I did
Not really
Until that moment when you led me in my fuzzy bunny slippers to the chalky sidewalk
And silently erased my name from that corner
Whispering you were sorry all the while.
But we were all grown up now.
[That was the day I stood with my arms outstretched
Mouth gaping open
To catch the rain
As the sky turned inside out
Because, well.
I needed new dreams if I didn’t have you]
Tears filled my eyes, then
For I felt my heart fall out of my chest
[Yes, I thought such a thing was impossible
But I’d also
(Naively)
Thought it impossible for you to ever leave]
To rest
Forever
In your hands
[A final parting gift]
What pain filled that void!
[I would blame it on pneumonia,
-For I stood in the puddles forever that day
Making mouthfuls of promises to that empty rain-
But I think we both know better
Than to expect a little sickness to bring pain such as this]
For I was left with nothing
And you
[You
With a tiny hummingbird you didn’t even know what to do with
As it lay
Barely breathing
Barely beating
But doing both for you]
You still had everything
From the tears that dripped from my lashes
To the tips of my fingers that brushed them away
To that empty ribcage
[With the bones gaping open
So barren, but for a couple feathers
That blew about when you whispered
(Hanging on to a hollow kind of hope)
But fell to the bottom of my stomach once it was clear
That you were never coming back
With my little hummingbird]
And that flat thump in my chest
[From the pendulum I secured in its stead
Marking each moment I spent without a true heartbeat
No frenzy of feathers
No
Just a hollow, rhythmic stupor
That fell over my soul]
That reminded me
I had
Nothing to love anymore.
(iii)
Who knows how long I stood
Letting the draft in through the spaces between my ribcage
So raw and gaping
My soul an empty ocean
Waiting
Waiting for any kind of tide to pull me in
fill me up
bring me out again
I got so cold, love
Waiting for the wind to wash up something on the brittle beaches of my bones
It took forever, it seemed
For me to swallow that mouthful of rain you left me with that day
[How I wish I’d known sooner that’s all it would take]
But when I did
It washed that pendulum straight out
[Oh, and how that mouthful wetted the lips of my helpless spirit
Till it was chugging words I’d never been able to find
And that’s why I write
About you
And our love
That is long lost somewhere
Lost in a somewhere only you’ve ever been to]
Into the hands of someone who thought he’d found my soul.
And how I wish he hadn’t found the counterfeit
For he shined it so pretty and neat-like
[Oh, that it had been real]
And secured it around his neck
I never knew I had anything worth showing off
No
But he made me feel that I had
Oh, but how it all was very broken
For I was very out of order, see
Nothing to give him
Not really
Nothing but permission for his eyelashes to flicker at me
For him to brush me with his lips and the tips of his fingers
I never backed away soon enough
Always left red with regrets
Horrific actions I’ll never forget
[Oh, Always
Always
The swing of the pendulum in the back of my mind
Whispering we were on borrowed time
Because none of me was really mine
But did I listen?]
He’d tell me I was lovely all the day.
So how picturesque to think of me
Standing on his porch one day
In my fuzzy bunny slippers
With mother’s pearls around my neck
Expecting him to tell me once again.
But that’s when it ended
Just like I’d wanted
‘Cause he claimed I was deranged for double-dipping
Dragging dreams into the daytime
And I smiled
‘Cause I knew that he was wrong.
[Yep, you always loved my plaid pajama pants
All mud stained from puddle jumping
From the days we expected nothing but rain for us to catch]
(iv)
How horribly addictive true love is!
Do you not agree?
For I think we both should like to be gone from each other
Forever, if we could both stand to be away that long
But as long as I live
I shall never find someone so perfect as you
And your eyes are the tide that draws me in time after time
So why should I cast you out, my love?
Tell me to go away, the way you’ve never said.
Give me a reason to leave.
For I can’t find one at all,
Except that I love you too much to be logical
to own up to reality
--It is a sad thought
To think you might’ve plucked the feathers from my hummingbird
And threaded them through those broken guitar strings you tuned for me
To make a wind chime for your porch
[You’re the only one who ever listened to me, anyway]
For,
Did I not see those fancy colors hanging by your door yesterday,
The same shade as my eyes?
I do not wish to make assumptions,
Stop me if I’m wrong.
For,
I already know it was so wrong of me
To think it should’ve gone differently yesterday
When I laced up a corset to fill that gap in my chest
Donned a dress with my mother’s fancy pearls
Slipped heels onto my feet
And fixed my hair nice and pretty for you
Oh, love
How quickly I found you’ve forgotten
Because when you saw me standing there on your doorstep
All perfect
And real
And neat
You handed me a piece of paper
And asked about my aspirations
I could do nothing but glance at the sidewalk, surprised,
Finding nothing but gray pavement.
For you, my love,
Are living your dreams now
No need to chalk them up and wish.
But my hopes haven’t changed, love
I’ve yet to live the only dream I ever wanted
And how I wished to dazzle you by saying extraordinary things
All wrapped up in this fancy piece of scratch paper
With half the lines crossed out
But I don’t think you appreciate it like you used to
And how I wished to tell you that my dream could be found in the chalk dust
Still stuck to the bottoms of my fuzzy bunny slippers
I used to wear
With my mother’s fancy pearls
Until yesterday
When I tried to match everything up evenly
And we stood on your porch
With no one to hear us but the wind chime
[The feathers holding it together
Just hanging on your every breath
And swaying to a hollow sort of hope]
As you whispered.
You told me I was beautiful.
And I went home and cried.