Dear Lord,
        
Please,
Take me home
I can't do it anymore

Everyone is laughing
While I sit here crying

Please lord,

I can't see
The purpose of this pain

Take me home
Please
Please

Lord,
Please take me home
I hate this world
I don't want to live here
Any longer

I just want to go home
I wish I'd never left

Please take me home lord

You know,  I've never seen you cry

I don't cry

Everyone cries

I don't

I cry all the time

Mmh

You must cry sometimes

*No

Why don't you just give up?*
I ask myself daily

Why don't you
Let the tears flow
And not care who sees

Why do you
Have to be strong
Every minute
Of every day

You are still a child.
When did it stop being okay
For children to cry?

If I wake up
Without tears
Remind me
To be happy
For that means
I slept
Without nightmares

If I wake up
With amnesia
Remind me
To be happy
It's better this way
Memories ****
Anyway

If I don't wake up
And I lay there dead
Remind me
To be happy
This is good
I am not a
Burden
Any longer

I texted you.
You texted back.
I was so suprised,
I nearly dropped my phone.

Here's the problem though,
I tend to
Over analyze  
Over scrutinize
Over think

I must have apologized
For bothering you
Five
Ten
Twenty times

Plus,
It was me texting you
You never texted me.

And now I don't know what to think.
You make me happy
Honestly,
I think I like you

Which is a problem,
Because
If I like someone
It's usually time to
Push them away

But with you
I can't
I can't
I can't
And I don't know why

So if I'm bothering you,
I'm sorry

If I'm not.....
*Thank you

Do not be mistaken,
I understand
All too well
How blessed I am.

I have a house,
Food,
Family,
And friends.

I live among trees,
And I still get to be a child
Occasionally

My friends
Give encouragement
When I need it,
So pretty much all the time
And will
Talk with me
If I can't sleep

I can post on this site
And not be laughed at,
A nice respite

I am smart,
At least I work hard
Anyway

My parents love me,
Even if they don't understand me,
Which is more than some can say

So for all this,
And many things more
I am forever grateful

*Thank you

Thanks,
But no thanks

I don't want your wings
I don't want to fly

I've been dropped on my face
Too many times

So thanks,
But no thanks

I don't want to soar
I don't want to own the sky

I'm scared of heights
You see

So thanks,
But no thanks

I don't trust you
And I never will
So just leave

This site is my lifeline
Yet,
You are the only ones
Who can watch
Me slowly dying
Falling apart
Before your eyes

You are the only ones who
Know about my nightly crying
And how
The pressure builds for trying

This site is my lifeline

You are all so encouraging
I have yet to hear
Someone say,
"We don't want you,
Just go die"

You say to keep living
Loving
Laughing

And while that
May not be possible for me
You remind me to try

This site is my lifeline
And the great people on it
I may have lost my life
If it weren't for you

*So thank you

You know
You just know
It's that moment
The moment blade pierces skin
You know
You just know

Your whole body
It just knows
That's the moment
Yes,
The moment

Your hands start shaking
But for once
Just once
Your mind is clear

You know
You just know
That moment
The exact moment
That blade pierces skin
The moment
You were waiting for

*You just know

You are only happy
When the door of opportunity
Sits wide open,
With signs telling you
How to pass through

You are hopeless,
When the door is open,
But you can't find it

You are angry
When you can find the door
But it is locked

You are sad
When someone shuts the door
Right in your face

You are anxious
When you see the door
But are too scared to go through

You are depressed
When you lie by the door
But lack the energy to get up
And go through

This is why
Happiness
Is so hard to achieve

I see it
Nearby

I see it
Swinging open

I stretch out a hand
Then let it fall

I lift my eyes
But rest my head

I know I should get up
I know I should go through
But I can't
I can't

I see it swinging
Wide
      Open

There is light through the door
But darkness in my heart

Deep in my soul
I ache

My mind sweetly whispers
Little lies, little secrets
(You won't make it)
(You're too weak)
(You're not worth it)

I lay for a moment
Watching the door
Then I close
My
Eyes

Goodbye, I whisper
Forever gone

The ocean
Is the embodiment of sadness

The saltiness
Does not come from minerals
Or rocks
But from
Every tear
Ever shed

The conch shell's song
Is every scream of pain
Every released
Silent or not

The blue color
Is the color of sadness
Of everything the ocean has endured

And the grey
Is from all of the anger
The ocean has taken

So if you're ever feeling
Sad
Down
Or alone

Remember:
The ocean is there for you

To take your tears
In its vastness

Your screams
In its shells

And your pain
Sadness
And anger
In its colors

And if you can't take the pain
Any longer

The ocean will take your body
As well

So you are not alone
For the ocean is the embodiment of sadness

Don't tell me
To look to the future
Cuz I can look all I want
But I'll never reach it

I'm stuck in the present
It's always the present
So don't tell me to look to the future
When you know I'll never reach it

Watch carefully
Most can't even see
But look close

There's a little girl
Can you see her?

Her flame,
Once so bright
Is slowly
Very slowing
F a d i n g   a w a y

Soon she'll simply
D
    i
       s
          a
             p
                p
                    e
                       a
                           r

Just watch
For the little girl
Is going
Going
**Gone

I made myself
Shoot friends and family
In the head

I'm "dreaming" again

I felt myself
Begin to fall
Off the cliff

I'm "dreaming" again

I watched you
Slide the knife
Across my skin

I'm "dreaming" again

I feel your
Hands on
My body

I'm "dreaming" again

I run to
Save my sister
But am never there in time

I'm "dreaming" again

I lose myself
In a horrible
Maze if terror

I'm "dreaming" again

I keep myself
Awake all night
So I don't feel this

*The nightmares are back

There was a time

When I couldn't climb a tree
Without thinking
Of how easy it would be to
"Slip"

When I couldn't cut potatoes
Without thinking
Of how easy it would be
To slit my wrists

When I couldn't take a swim
Without thinking
Of how easy it would be
To stop swimming

There was a time
When I couldn't live
Without thinking
Of how easy it would be
*To give up

The road of life is not straight,
And it does more than
Simply turn out of sight.
It winds and it bends,
And it twists out of sight.
It climbs great high mountains,
And creeps through dark forests.
It disappears underground at times,
So you can't even see,
Your hand in front of your face,
Let alone the next trick life life throws at you.
It crosses huge plains,
And trudges through oceans.
Sometimes it rains,
or even pours,
And yet just as often,
The sun shines so bright and hot,
That you can barely breathe,
Or even just see.
Life gives you options,
Forks in the road,
You don't know where you're going,
But you go all the same.
You wish for a road map,
But none ever came.
So you just keep on marching,
And we'll do the same.

Yes, we'll all just keep on marching,
On this road we call life.

I knew it would never work out.
When I first said hi,
The weather man inside my head warned,
"There's a storm a'brewing, be careful."
I ignored him.

A few weeks later, we became friends.
The weather man was back,
More urgent this time
"The storm is  coming in fast,
Best to take cover,
Or your chance will be past."
I fired that weather man.

A new weather man now,
He gives me a warning:
"The storm's overhead,
Take cover, now listen!"

I count the time between
Loud rolls of thunder,
And sharp streaks of lightning.
I have plenty of time, I think.
Just a bit longer.

The weather man soon calls,
"Your time is now past,
I wish you had listened!"

The rain begins to pour,
The lightening overhead.
I cower in a corner,
Why didn't I listen?

I look up to see,
Some lightning strikes ground.
It illuminates you,
Waving goodbye.

I knew it would never work,
I had all the warnings.
Oh, and I wonder,
Why didn't I listen?

Now the weather man's gone,
And so are you.
Today I still wonder,
Why didn't I listen?

The worst part
Isn't the pain
Though it hurts

The worst part
Isn't the sadness
Though that's horrible

No,
The worst part
Is the emptiness

That feeling
When you don't see the step
And you fall down

When you try to sit down
And someone's moved the chair

When you reach for support
Only to find it's abandoned you

That is the worst part
Of saying goodbye

Where I used to see bright white snow
And playful afternoons
I now see everything dying
And cold dark days

Where I used to see beautiful colors
And big joyful leaf piles
I now see more chores
And death surrounding me

Where I used to see bright happy days
And hours in the sun
I now see stressful times
And sunburns

Where I used to see new life
And hope all around
I now see the world being happy
While I sit here alone

Where I used to be happy
I now sit and cry

My thoughts hurt worse
Than anything else
I try to drown them out
*But they drown me

I'd give you a three leaf clover
Yes, that's three not four
Each leaf has meaning
The first is faith
The second is hope
The third is love
And the fourth is luck

But if I have you
I don't need luck
I only need three
I only need love

I'd give you a three leaf clover
Yes that's three
Not four

I am the one who
Watches life fly by
Through tinted glass windows,
And wishes she could join in.

Through tinted glass windows,
You can see all,
But none can see in.

Through tinted glass windows,
You can scream till your voice breaks,
But none will ever hear.

Through tinted glass windows,
You can learn to play the games,
But never actually join in.

Through tinted glass windows,
You can fall in love,
But none will ever fall for you.

I used to love my
Tinted glass silence,
Tinted glass safety,
Tinted glass simplicity,

But now all I see is,
Tinted glass loneliness
Tinted glass sadness
Tinted glass boredom

This is what it is like
To watch life fly by
Through tinted glass windows,
While wishing you could join in.

Why am I tired?
Hmmm let me think.

You say maybe low blood sugar,
I'd say that's off the list.

Could it possibly be
From not sleeping for days
Due to worrying
Over silly things?

Or maybe,
It's the sadness that overwhelms me
Every day and every night

Perhaps,
It is from working too hard.
To keep everyone happy,
My grades up,
My smiles big.

So why am I tired?
Hmmm let me think.
I'd say it's probably
Not
From low blood sugar.

It would make sense
If joy
Were toenails

Because
Joy is small
You don't really notice it
Until it's gone
The same is true of toenails

Also,
If you are hiking
Too long
And too hard
Your toenails
Will actually fall off

The same is true of joy

This is why,
It would make sense if
Joy were toenails

Once you're past
The initial wall around my heart

You'll find that
The only defense I have
Is a rusty wire tomato cage

And all that does
Is keep me standing

Let me be your confidence
Let me be your strength
If you think you're not enough
Just remember;
You're always enough for me

Let me take your pain
Let take your sadness
If you think you can't keep going
Just please,
Please hold on for me

Let me hold you up
Let me hold your insecurities
If you think you're falling down
Always remember;
I won't let you fall

So New Friend
Let me be there for you
Please just let me in
You are not a burden

In fact,
You're my best friend

Hey,
I know it's hard
But I need you
Please stay

Hey,
I know you've been hurt
But I will never leave you
Please hold on

Hey,
I can't promise it will be okay
But I try to make it that way
Please keep going

Hey,
You're my best friend
I need you
Please, please stay
Stay here with me
I need you

Hey,
Let's make it okay together

You are smart.
You are nice.
You are friendly.
Don't forget it

I am here for you.
I will not turn on you.
You can trust me.
Always remember that

You are great.
You are wonderful.
You are amazing.
This is true

You don't have to be perfect.
You are already awesome.
You will not always win.
Just keep going

Finally,
I want you to remember,
I am here for you.
*I am your friend

You have been through a lot
I know,
The world hurts

But I need you to hold on
I have never
Had a friend like you

So please,
Hold on

If you leave
I may follow suit

Please,
You are great

You are amazing

You are wonderful

Hold on

You have done
Some things
That you aren't proud of

But it is okay
Do not be tempted
Hold on

Please
Please
Please

*Hold on

It's odd

At first
We were simply polite

Then,
We were friends

Now,

We are sometimes
Children
And talk
Of petty things

We are sometimes
Adults
And talk
Of stress, sadness,
And other things
Not for children

We are sometimes
Encouraging
We will take turns
Telling the other
Why they need to live

But most of all
We are always
*Friends

Please,
It's not your fault

Don't blame yourself
For my mistakes

I'm sorry if I hurt you
I'm sorry if I caused you guilt

It wasn't your fault
I gave you no warning

There was nothing
You could have done

I'm sorry for burdening you
I'm sorry for causing you pain

But it wasn't your fault
It was mine

Talking to you
Is the best part of my day

I've only known you
A little while
But that was all it took

You are my best friend

We've never even
Truly met
But still,

You are my best friend

You are great
You are amazing
You are wonderful

I don't know
What I would do
Without you

You are my best friend

So this will be
The last,
'To my new friend' poem

Because next time,
It will be called,
'To my best friend'

Tonight is one of those nights where
I don't know if
I will never sleep again

Or if
I will soon fall asleep
Forever

It's too easy
To say those things
To hurt those feelings
To do those actions

It's too hard
To hear them talk
To not cry
To stay strong

It's too much
To keep going
To hold on
To not give in

It's too soon
But I'll say it:
*Goodbye

I want to trust you
I really do

But you see,
Last time I misplaced
My trust
It nearly killed me

So you'll understand
If I push you away
Because if I let you in
You're there to stay

And once you are in
If you leave
I will shatter
Into so many pieces
I will never recover

So I'm sorry,
But you are just too good
And I don't know if I can risk
Letting someone in again

I've found
That once you start
Digging your own grave
There are two types of people in this world

The ones who will help
Who will grab a shovel
And join the digging
Then give you a shove in
Once you're done

And the ones who will hinder
Who will steal and break your shovels
And shove dirt back in the hole
And when the time comes
They won't let you jump in

She seemed nice
I stay away

He was funny
I stay away

They were friendly
I stay away

Keep your distance;
That's my rule

Keep them far enough
Away
That they
Will never hurt you

You were kind
Nice
Funny
Friendly
Sweet
Smart

I should run
I should hide
Keep away
Stay safe

My feet don't listen
I stay
Now I'm stuck

*Crap

Keep it under control
Tears in
Smile bright
Laugh loud
Shadows hidden

Keep it under control
You must be perfect
Do not slip up
Study hard
Help others
Never make a mistake

Keep it under control
Never let them see
Your pain
Your imperfections
Your exhaustion
The real you

I may have held the gun
But I didn't pull the trigger

I may have tied the rope
But I didn't pull it tighter

I may have grasped the knife
But I didn't slice my flesh

I may have wanted to die
But it was you who did the killing

Why couldn't you have stayed
A random kid in the hallway?

Sticks and stones
May break my bones
But words will never hurt me

Yeah
That's true

Except;

Broken bones
Give pain that causes strength

And words will not just hurt me
They will be what kills me

It's all about
Your *interpretation

If I said
"I want to **** myself"
You'd probably laugh
Walk away
And label me as overdramatic

But if I actually killed myself
You'd probably cry
And pretend to be sad
And say
"I wish I could've done something to help"
You'd say
"If only she'd let me in"

Well, I tried
Did you not hear my cry for help?
Yet you still ignored me
And you wonder why I want to leave?

An empty road
It's 2 am
Petal pressed to the floor
Hands off the wheel

The lights flash by

Faster
Faster
Faster

The thoughts spin around
Faster
Faster
Faster

To go or to stop?
To live or to die?

Too late now
Too fast now

The lights are a blur, her mind is numb

Spinning
Spinning
Spinning

Out of control
Pain hits, the car starts to crunch

Louder
Louder
Louder

And suddenly:
Silence



Tears are shed but she is gone
Is this peace or is this pain?

Now we are spinning  too

Usually my body and
My mind agree
It's just one thing

See,
My body is ugly
And so is my mind

My body is weak
And so is my mind

My body is sick
And so is my mind

However,
My body looks happy
And my mind is sad

That is where,
My body and my mind
Don't always agree

If life were a video game,
Then I would totally buy the
'Skip this level'
Option
Because let me tell you,
This level *****

If you wander off
The beaten path
Alone
Then you are
A lost hiker

If you wander off
The beaten path
With friends
Then you are
Adventurers

*It's too bad I'm always alone

Before I was born,
My mother wanted to name her child Kaitlyn
As the firstborn,
That should have been me

Kaitlyn was my mother's favorite name
But as soon as I was born
She looked at me
I just took one look
And realized,
I could never be her Kaitlyn

Three years later  she tried again
Now her Kaitlyn was born
A beautiful,
Happy,
Innocent little girl.

My mother calls me
"The trouble child"
I cause trouble
I am not good enough
I am not her Kaitlyn

Now I am named Nicole
My mother wanted her child to be Kaitlyn
She loved the name Kaitlyn
Was I not good enough?
Why was I not her Kaitlyn?