A shaman of wise women
Whose only truths are never told
Seeks only understandings
Held aloft b'neath the world's nose
Be it truths bitter
Or stories of olde
Skeletons in closets
That reek of forebode
Mother whispers word of experience
Father helps them believe another view
The holy mass of firsthand knowledge
Read by those who can learn nothing new
A gift to the younger
A word from the wise
To see the bigger picture
Not the irony of life.

The only thing I want from you now
Is for you to care enough
To stop me from wanting to die
It’s my last shard of hope
Despite knowing you’re long gone

When He told her He loved her
He told her not Her
And she brought it up
Where She could see
Heart already torn
What could She do?
But hope it a trick
A joke
As best friends like they often do
But as she smiled and She smiled
Tears in Her eyes
Her boyfriend - the culprit- saw none
Of the pain She locked inside.

M I S S I N G

been lost for a while
sorry about that
following signs
'cross an empty map

I used to dream of a warm embrace
Pulling me closer
Holding me in

Though perhaps i dreamed only of strength
Of how it feels
To remain safe, warm, and strong

Perhaps i dreamed of companionship
Never alone
Fears calmed by two beating hearts

Perhaps I dreamed only of what I shall never have
True love
Lasting all of time

Perhaps

I used to dream of you
Your embrace caring
Blissful in your words
Content in mutual affection
Understanding
Acceptance
... Love

But dreaming is a curse
I no longer bear
That four lettered sin
Carved out my dream
With its false affection infliction

But consider this too

Perhaps I dreamed once
To escape the nightmares
To Escape fears as all men do
Perhaps I dreamed
To cling to hope
And in my darkness I dreamed of you.

I often mourn for him, the lost one
And I regret that he drifted away,
I watched like a statue, so silent, so still,
As he found his own way that day,

But oh, those many days I watched him,
Like a boat afloat from shore,
Watching his laughter and every disaster,
With a happiness that made my heart feel so sore,

I yearned to talk to him daily,
And of all those days I never could,
I was unable to stand the wave strength,
So I stayed back and watched as I thought I should,

But sometimes he would cast his glance to the sea,
His gaze momentarily just flickering to me,
As if by a miracle he maybe could see,
The invisible girl that so much resembled me,

But he never saw me, yet I always saw him,
My mind was so dulled and naive,
Yet my heart so full of hopes and wants,
Those I knew I should never believe,

I watched them all,
And they all passed by,
And of all the wanderers,
He caught my eye,

I don't think that I really believed,
That I did have a chance to be seen,
And had I known back then that I did,
I might have pushed on through the waves and not hid,

But I didn't really know,
And my heart really cared,
But then it turned to stone,
A stone that I bared,

For every long year,
After he left,
And I watched him walk,
Through his life so deft,

And my heart did shatter, my heart did break,
As if it was made of glass or sand,
But only when, on the horizons wake,
He turned to me, and waved his hand,

And so I mourn for him,
And the chance that we had,
And I mourn for the ignorance i held,

I mourn for the bliss,
And I mourn for the hope,
That in the end was true, but failed.

I think it's time I go away,
Somewhere far so as not to hear,
I think it's time to find elsewhere to stay,
Far from the voices I have come to fear,

They're there almost everyday, in my head,
Dictating every breath or word I say,
But now I shan't think of them, instead,
I will think not of the binds my loved ones lay,

Now, now I will drift;
       Amongst the stars,
As I once often did with ease,
And escape finally, my self-centred harm,
Watching the world as I breathe,

Escape my Family, my Best friends, and Boy friend,
And the worries I feel every day,
Stop my mind, my brain's obsessing,
Over every single word or thought sent their way,

For from here I shan't worry no more,
Or care about social views,
Amongst the stars the world is smaller,
Even though physically huge,

My space, my mind,
Clear and free,
Will dance forever softly, away,
Whence I will be,
Just simple thought,
And exist throughout the Milky Way.

Why didn't i see it coming?
                              
                            I should have seen the signs
                                              For all the times he tried
                                                             But in the haze i lost my way
                                                  And must have lost my mind

                    My thoughts were consumed in a fog
                                                  But i only had him in my head
                                                            ­ So focused on making our car        

                                              That I ran a sign Dripping in Red

My words have dried up,
I have nothing left to say,
Along with my blood,
All feeling has drained away,
Like a corroding reel of film,
My life is left, sepia grey,
God must have known,
I won't see another day.

Nobody now can take this pain away.

Is too much
My constant affection
Is suffocating
How I always say positive things and compliment you
Is creepy
That I like to always hug goodbye or peck your cheek on occasion, even in public
Is worthy of cringe and far too soppy
I know I’m too much
That I love too much
Feel too much
Care too much
Worry too much
That the way I love
Is too much
You tell me everyday
And it is hard
To stop feeling this way
To curb my impulses
Cut short my smiles
And care less
It is hard
To learn not to love
The way I love
But I am learning it non the less

When you think of me, what is it you see?
Do you see the ghost, the smiles or the scars?
Do you see the tears, the broken halves?
Or do you see, What the mirror shows?
Do you see beyond your nose?

Is it the light that catches your eye?
Or is it all that we can't deny
What is it dear, what do you see?
Nothing she said- Thinking of me.

i hate the word love
hate the sound
and the implications and spells it casts
on people who by it are bound
- yet it never lasts

as soon as you have 'love'
life can at first seem great
but you lose part of yourself
become half someone else
and are blind to the loss it creates

love; the term is soppy
increasingly miss and over used
its a word that should have meaning
and explain only a connection
of personal comprehension
-and not necessarily the type for pews

so love, yes i hate the word love
and pray it never should pass through my lips
other than in appreciation of dearest souls
and not in the case of falling too far, too quick

its ideals are not one i relish
all i see in it is that it becomes weak
why must we be told, that we will "find love and grow old"
and never something else like:
the future is yours; every. single. week.

so go live your life as you want it
don't feel you have to conform to society's form
School, Uni, Job, Marriage, Family - only if you want it
do what you love, what makes you strong

as love does not mean simple affection
it means soul warming understanding and care
it is for objects, actions, people, animal and places,
not for crude or simple phrases where it feels barren and bare.

by a cracked window,
grow crooked soul,
how high the rose climbs,
to yet wither and fall,
may both happen at once,
it happens not at all,
to take no chance to bloom,
is no chance at all.

yet is its destiny to tumble,
and shatter to glass?
then once again rise,
in a year to pass,
but should it keep falling,
down to the roots,
would it not grow again,
if it were to choose?

I would give the world to stay
But the world is not mine to give
And time cannot be changed
Even by the world and those born of it
So in love, I do not seize the impossible
Though I wish it were untrue
Instead, I'll lay here a while,
And talk from afar with you

Hoping that we take each moment
Never for granted
Treasure every opportunity that we can find
Because moments live only once in happiness
When they're what we've wanted all our lives
I dream of my wish being true
And our friendship burning bright in the skies
Whole constellations of differences
A universe of different lives

For you are Yours
And I am Mine
We need only ourselves to be whole
But that doesn't mean we can't be side by side
Best friends again, not quite alone.

And though I would give my world to stay here
My world is not truly something i's want to give
And the future cannot really be changed
By men of the world in which we live.

If I told the truth
That the only thing
That makes me stay alive
Is my fear of what it would do to other people
Were I to do what I think best
For myself
Because I see no future in my allotment
I see no way, no reason, and no why to remain
Other than that I’m terrified
Of causing even more hurt than I already have
To those whose lives are infinitely worth more than mine
And capable of more than mine
As long as I don’t ***** them up
But for me to feel better
Would be to feel nothing at all
And to do that would break some of them at least
So i’ll stay tortured and strung in between
For the sake of those
Who can never know the truth
Because truth be told
I have nothing left in my life but death

Whisper to me softly
Slowly
So I almost cannot hear
Your poisoned speech
Slewing through
And melting off my ears

As that gaze of thorns
Rests lightly like
A crown upon my head
Our 'ntwined hands
Hooked and clawed
A clammy cold and dead.

Time is even older,
Than this gnarled bone that we chew
In our twisted Grimm old story
A fairlytale for you

You cannot see the cobwebs
Woven in my tears
The slug trails on my cheeks
That prewarn of my fears

Of your dark moon eyes
Glittering at
The fresh doe in the woods
You've always liked
What you can't have
And thrown away the duds.

It is unbearable
To see a loved one in pain
To watch their eyes prickle
See their tears stain

But is it not worse
To be unable to help
When one you love hurts
But your love is not felt

As you are not who they want
To them you do not exist
And you have to watch others
Be their everything

As you have to be happy
At your own despair
For you hate when they feel pain
Even more so that you could not be there.

Each poem is a part of me
So disgusting, I hate it
I detest all my drawings
And loath my creations
My inabilities, my faults, my claims
The burbling guts to my name
All things, every thing
Connected to me
Needs to be chained to a ball
And drowned in the sea
A sea of red maybe
To bury it's name
As I write it on my arm
And cut it out to remove its stain
Remove the parts of me I'm scared of and fear
Remove the parts that I once held dear
Throw em', burn em', it don't matter what I do
For each old scar; I'll find something new.

Maybe what was good was bad and bad was good
But if so would it hurt that we could
Return and try till we break once more
Till one or the other walks out the door

But in a way that would hurt less than this
Knowing it's over without what ifs
But we're stuck in a limbo, both still in love, can't let go
                  but
It's not the right time, we'll lose each other.
                                We know.

Something I can't do and neither can you
Is lose my best friend and lover, though it seems what we have to do.
To survive this, endless pain
How I wish to go back and live it all again

Fix what was good to make it better
Change my heart to realise sooner
That my dream had changed from art to you
And now I'm left in a pit with nothing- without you

As I said.
Maybe what was good was bad and bad was good
Our love was good but we were too young to feel as strong as we could
In that way it was bad
And we'll struggle to fix it
But should we hold onto our chance? Or cut ropes and drift this?
So confused cause you care and act like you love,
but at the same time it breaks me we're not as close as we should
Be.
We should be,
But only in a couple years or three.
But what then when I'm all alone,
Come back and find you've forgotten me?
Or will you be there, been my friend, still in love with me?
Can this grow again, you said that maybe there was a chance.
But I couldn't bare for us to hurt even more in this dance.

Distance is unforgiving but it's what we both need. Is it working for you?
It's not for me

Till the end you make me happy
And at the moment the end is a happier sight
Than that of a life without you, all alone
Even with art it's a fight.

Bad and good, good and bad,
What does it matter if it just makes you sad
I'll chase happiness wherever I find it
At the moment all i can find is you
With your double barrelled pain
Shooting once for like we were, shooting again for distance away.
But I have to take my chances
After I build myself up
You are all that I want now
And I won't give you up.

You kiss me often
Hot lips to hot skin
Our burning fever bright
But we know not much more

Every meeting, in all our crossed stars
Although as heavenly as the bodies that contain us
Ends in heated whispers
That now glow like burning scars

As I look back upon our moments
That are supposed to hold our strongest love, not greatest fears
And see that they could be echoes
Of nothing more than
A sixteen year old boys newest ambition
From your half

From my half, in runny eyes
I see my fairytale reality
Imperfections and all
Fall apart at the fault that
You love me no more than your right hand
No more than the second choice
To the girl you would rather have

I am no angel or barber doll
I have faults, scars, and a past
-so do you
My reactions may not be impeccable
And my face one you'll never truly see
-although I wear no visible mask
Still I thought maybe,
For someone,
I was good enough
You made me believe I was,
Good enough,
For you

But then came the Days you were busy
And my Demons ran wild in the Night
Bouts of darkness so great
I was almost seduced by a knife
As my fear is loss,
Not being good enough to stop it
Not being good enough in life

And in your 'busy' you told your girlfriend you couldn't talk for days,
But still you would find time by some quirk
To talk to others of your current horrors,
But I'd pass it off as you needed time away from me and work,

Again and again my nightmares stirring
Were of you and your so personality-pretty friends
Or how behind my back, really
You were laughing at your means to an end
I pass that off as my paranoia
Our inability to talk, my anxiety
How it all made me feel ignored?
My depression entirely

Cause one day each week I would reset
We'd meet and greet, no work
Play games, have fun, smile and laugh
And make our relationship brightly burn

But now my fears have swallowed me
As one week turns to two and more
Your texts and calls no longer follow me
Other than a single, quick "are you free?" Drill, our "***" 's ignored,

This whole thing started out so beautiful
But now the monsters don't want to just play,
And I realised some of the scariest moments
Are those that burn bright as day

As closeted skeletons rattle their bones
I know I let someone in who set them free
I haven't said anything, I'm always right here
Right here where I said I would be

Now maybe you're going through some business right now
With which I have nothing to do
Or maybe it's all in my head after all
And another set of pills'll help me through
But I just want to say
Through it all- I'm still here
So where the hell are you?

Because your empty lips may kiss me often
But I'm more concerned with the pain in your eyes
I let you in, I won't hurt you,
Trust me please, it hurts when you lie
It hurts to think that I'm nothing
But your sixteen year old self's right hand
Yet it's the only way you ever seem to want me
And inside I wear **** like a brand.

A girl with anxiety, paranoia and depression,
She hides it well- your girlfriend.

Her darkest moods
Often related to you

When she wanted to die,
Unknowingly you pulled her through

With each message
more comfortable than the last

Together you know you both
Smile and laugh

Just when all is shining bright
All stars once again lighting the night

YOU call your girl-best-friend your other half
To her, your girlfriend's, face.
She wants to ****.

Flashes of blades, blood, sharp breaths, drowning tears- her darkest fears,
Spiralling and twisting in a night with no end
A girl with anxiety, paranoia, depression and fears
Yet she hides it well- your girlfriend.