She deserves better than that
Not like he actually has her back
He's always making her feel bad
But now all the sudden its the best relationship I've ever had
I completely disagree with that
Tracks her phone
She don't even feel safe alone
All that is so wrong
She can't view his because he'll have a behavior
Than she ends up collecting debt with favors
I'm sorry for the way I have to be firm
I've been guilty and the victim of that situation I know what I've learned
**** hurts and burns
But if I ever hear anything I hate I'm a show up and put that ****** in place
Lost you once and would rather have you be angry with me
He isn't making you happy
Just upset and depression filled with anxiety
Not including the paranoia
But continues to ignore ya
Not gonna lie I want to get up in his face and destroy him with my words because he's weak and wouldn't step up to me
He'll probably hide then continue harrasing you on the low key
Now I'm stuck here having to listen to you hurting and my knowledge and judgment for you never was working
Just kept worsening

I climb
I fall
Picked myself up to repeat the cycle
Views great
But I refuse to look down
Continue the journey
About to restart because why stop here

Lately I've been losing a little sleep
But that's fine
I've been having me time
Avoiding others trying to make it alright
My Cupcake told me to sleep tight
I took a shot and had a beer and off the tv went
I've got a budget plan to cover rent
Got to handle some business
Won't take others advice I promise I'm not full of ignorance
I'm just distant
Let me know
I want to go
Let myself finally glow
Woke up with my first parking violation
**** what's the parking situation
**** it I'm a just pay
Not worth the fight anyway
I'm independent as ****
I can handle it I'm pretty tough
I'm me and no one can duplicate me
Be you're,  everybody's taken

Somedays I just don't want to, but I have too.
I wake up with tears flooding my face. Doesn't help that I live by myself in this place. Alcohol in my fridge to bring in that comfort.
Winter falls and it's pure ice sometimes I wish I was in a desert.
Atleast I'd be dry and not frozen in this depression. Sis thinks I need a therapy session.
What happened to me?

Flexing with the outfit I got from my check
Fresh tunes I haven't ****** with yet
I'm chilling going to watch the sun set
I'm broke because these dead presidents left my wallet
My bills stay haunted
But with homies I've got
The people I chill with a lot
Nothing can touch it because it's priceless
Homie grabbed me a cold one to chill out
Y'all got cappuccinos I've got some Busch latte

Why do I ignore me?
Never wanted to make it work, the best I did was my worst. Mocked myself again. Stuck inside my head. Decided to give up instead. It's a lot easier to do nothing, then I've caught myself daydreaming about me doing something.
I've made a difference, used my flaws as a reference. But then I climbed up the ladder. Earned my way to a staircase so I best take a step. Moving up slowly. Not allowing myself to be so controlling.

I've got plenty of reality checks with my life.
My guts let me know I'm getting treated right.
Toxic dreams fill my head, daydreaming of a new reality buried my goals dead.
It's always the most determined people falling
I've never dragged anyone down with me
I'll do my own thing
In a corner documenting a lesson learned
Put reality checks to ashes and watch toxic dreams burn

A moment to own.
But a moment to let go.
Vulnerability like a disease.
But I've got to put my soul at ease.
How do you erase a feeling?
How do you delete a chapter in your life?
Too late not possible.
You can make edits, you can put in corrections. But you can not delete. Letting go is a huge roll before your next chapter. Being toxic is curable, you've just gotta stop being vulnerable.
"Will you re-read your chapter?
Are going to move on to the next? "
Shhhhh
I'm moving on to the next page.

There's words you can't take back
You change the meaning behind that
Hurts like ripping off a bandaid
Good thing I've got training from first aid
I know where to locate a kit
I'll even treat it
Actions are louder
Silence caused my hearing
I need some tunes to get lost
I'll eventually be found

Don't come crying to me, when you don't listen to me. We all have a little anxiety, caught up in agaony, this is reality.
We're all going through vulnerability, just sail away at sea.
Last time I was caught up I found myself not following my own advice. Now I'm my own victim. Alcohol drinking me, cigarettes smoking me.
We're all going to feel alone
We all have a empty phone
No matter what the case maybe
We get caught up daydreaming

One more chance after another
There's no way I'm a bother
Not a glance of each other
Heart open
But broken
Feelings spoken
False hoping
Feels like I just went through this
Always ended with a blank kiss
Life dimmer
A fallen angel because I'm a sinner
Just a beginner
Never found my winner
A bottle for some sleep
A case to get motivation to eat
Now some shots to feel at ease
Can't get out of my head I need peace
I've tried a diet
Insecurity has no refunds and I keep buying it

If I had a girl
I'm a treat it like it's my only world
Diamonds and pearls
Hopefully it'll be my last
No need for the past
It shouldn't strike me back
I admit I'm filled with flaws
Regret them all
But if nobody can handle them they don't deserve me at my best
Won't even place a bet
If I do make it I'm a cry
Because no one's survived
It'd be a big surprise
I know I'm not the greatest
But I've learned
Wouldn't let anything happen if I were to help it
I'm that decent kind of person
If you anyone were to fall for me
I wouldn't care bout your flaws
I'd help you up to hopefully keep you happy
If I found love I'd bow and not crawl

Her smile is like Autumn, I fall for it everytime. Like the leaves, I've raked up some colors pure as gold. Let's bag our love for one another, live together and watch each other get old. I'd take her out for some coffee, she'll talk about her day :)
Her eyes kept me awake
Better for me to wish upon a star with her gaze
I can fall for her all day
Her love would be my field trip, but a adventure on repeat

If I were to publish
I would even be selfish
Just nervous
Have you thought about what life would be like?
I have, I get likes and hate
Not any different now, but then everyone I once knew would reach out as if I were to owe them a favor
Hard for me to tell them later
I'd need someone to be ride for me
Even then that'd be sketchy
If I were to publish my writing to a book
Who'd honestly give it a look?
It's not a competition of who had it the worse
We're all living to make it work
If I were to I'd hope to seek everyone's worth
Especially on the true reviews
Not about the fame
Nor me as a popular name
Just hoping those who read
Trying to succeed
Especially mentally
Because **** reality
If I were to it'd have to be in my perfection
Just my true way of affection

The harder I tried to seek us out, the doubts in my securities screamed so loud. As a gentle lover, I've come to agreements with my over thinking and man they've become so violent. My heart sang and beat my chest. But in person I'm so silent. A cry for attention put my begging to a rest.
If we fell....
I'd come up with 365 ways to show my love for you. But put on repeat until you give me no reason too.

Depression is something you don't cure
But treatments are temporary worth it
With the voices in my head
I lay there in silence trying to go to bed
Filled with regrets
Poured out some **** that was on my left
I need a antidepressant
(Alcohol)
Love is always temporary ain't it
Alway living that false hope but atleast it's a good minute
Not many can say they saw me at my worse
Last of them deteriorated as if knowing me was curse
Anxiety, awkward conversations
What a crazy situation
I ditched the darker side of me
Don't give that a chance again
I was a mess with thy razors splitting flesh open
I've got my homies
I've got mental security
I'm ignoring the darker voices screaming in agony
S.A.D
Seasonal for an eternity
Important to know I put everyone before me
Might not be much
But it may be just enough
To those who stayed by my side thank you
As for the other you're part of that lose *****
***** what you put one another through

I don't **** around
But I'm a be safe and sound
A bit critical especially with some standards
What's the answer
You think they know me
They don't even understand but I guess I'm ordinary
Where's a drink
Need some time to think
Let the alcohol sink
Drowning the poor advice
Hitting up my choice to rise
Where do I begin
Bet none of the criticism can win

I remember when I use to want to be on top of the world. Reaching for a star, shine upon every secure wish. Not a scratch on my smile. But now my teeth rots, I want to be below the world. In a cave, or hidden in a corner. Just distant, please!
The thought of love from a beautiful smile. Who you might ask.... I ask myself the same. But a smile of a beautiful girl who accepts me as one, not who she got attracted too. No one falls for personality first. But personality comes along way, impressions mean everything, but nothing at the same time. We forget to feel when something goes wrong. I can feel nothing as my light flickers on. I still see nothing, but my thoughts directs a film full of depression. But I don't die, I cry, I also hear no sound. But I feel the screams of agony from tough love. I learned that sorry doesn't mean a **** thing. The I love yous or the I miss yous don't mean ****. Have a good day on repeat, but who's really sincere? I'm always sincere because I smile when I look into your eyes. I see the good in you, don't know the worst from you. But would love for you to have an improved good day. I can tell most of you love and love but forget to love yourself. As cliche as love is, we seek it to love us everyday second if the day. The tears form, the thoughts of what hurts us kills hours and hours of our day. But it takes seconds to destroy me. It takes longer for me to seek love I deserve.

I get mad
I get impatient
But I will not lose my cool
I'll do whatever it is I need to do
Please give me space
To get myself back in place
Just a moment and I'll be okay

Life is a bit scary, no body to help me. A lone in this dark world, parked and trying to avoid using gas for the heater. I wish someone would save me because it's another cold night. I'm exhausted all the time. Wishing I was under a roof warm and fine. I'm so cold and hungry. Again I've always been lonely

I'm going mad here
Everything I get closer to has to disappear
Everyone's out for me
So I stick to myself to make sure others are happy
Holding on to the past like it's going to go out of stock
But I need to let go and not forget to climb myself to the top
Apparently the views great
But it's impossible to wait
For that I break
I lose the weight
All that work to get to the higher ground
Everything's loud but there isn't a **** sound
I needed to let go of the things I never regret
I was drunk ignore the things I've ever said

You think ghosting me Would be conflicting?
But in reality
This makes me happy
I've got a best friend
Atleast they're real and see it through the end
I'm a bit of a one man army
I refuse to seek help but I'll help others when they can call me
You don't need to provoke me
I've got the memo but I thought you were ranting jokingly
Both sides tough so I stay on the fence
For my own defense
Not all about seeking vengeance
But I love to do my own thing
Sit alone at a park chilling on a swing
Probably the best therapy
I'll love those who want to see the best in me

If love was easy to fall for the world would be broken. It takes true strength to love, to repair, both souls and hearts. I'm always going to love everything about you, every inch of you, even every opinion you've got. Through the best and worse of times you and I face....... you'll always have a safer place in my open arms.

I'm okay
I'm fine
I'm happy
I promise I'm safe
I'm eating
I'm sleeping
Lifes great

With freedom of speech, feels like I shouldn't speak.
Judgments drowning.
I'm a communicate

My fears and feelings aren't in my priority list
First off where do I even begin
I've got a heart ache with no treatment
Maybe I need a PRN
I'm complicated to understand
I've been known for my flaws but no one will listen to my goals
I'm complicated
I'm sure people get frustrated
But I am at least a understanding man
I know what it's like to have nothing
I also know from right and wrong
Dont mean I'm special or doesn't mean I'm a brat
I'm complicated and my lies use to be fat
But I'm not about to sink in these lies
I'm a swim to high ground and bury this ****
I'm complicated
I dont mean to be
I mean to make it with or with out help
Attempts to stay in good health
I've got a heart ache
My heart is in a middle of a crisis and there's no time to break

I'm doing okay now,
wished for the best and now life's working out.
What am I to do with my depression?
No one even listens.
This morning I woke up with complete silence.
My desperate measure for attention started to scream,
How am I to work it out and avoid any sort of a scene?
What about me?
What about my dreams?
I am doing okay,
I rest my eyes and take it slow day by day.

Already feel like we met
Already have said what I've said
I want you in bed
Side by side
Kisses with hugs with excitement
Smile kissable
Eyes full of desires
Smile had me blooming
I'm now daydreaming
I'd say you're pretty perfect for me
All I see is beauty and loyalty
Hopefully you'd desire me the way my eyes desire you
"I'd never let go first"

I'm fine when I grab that bottle
I'm fine when I isolate
I'm fine when i think of the old us
I'm fine when I see him at work
I'm fine when I catch old pics
I'm fine when I cry everytime I'm alone
I'm fine when I write down with tears drowning my journal
I'm fine when i think about slitting my thighs
I'm fine when we have a conversation
I'm fine when we argue in pity
I'm fine when i dont sleep
I'm fine when i don't eat
I'm fine when I reach out
I'm fine when i regret reaching out
I'm fine when I wake up knowing she's in a better place
I'm fine when I watch youtube
I'm fine when I put on raising hope
I'm fine when i rewatch everything
I'm fine.

Everyone figured out a new way to reach out.
They see the ******* when people fill themselves with doubt.
I'm fine.
That'll always be a lie,
Truth is I'm dying inside.
I'm a bit critical when I read my own writing.
Coming up with new words and metaphors is exhausting so with myself I'm constantly fighting.
I'm fine, i swear I am. I'm a deal woth **** in the shadows so I learn how to understand.
I'm afraid to reach out to a hand.
When I reached the light I find myself in the dark.
I've never gone far.
Home is my darkside.
To dark to hide.
I've been hiding away because I feel the need to isolate.
Guess it's about time to break.
Felt a little suicidal.
But I'm not going to let the dark control me because I've got a idol.
So i guess what I'm saying is that someday I'll be fine.

Not sleeping okay
Not eating today
Been a struggle day
Refuse to stay
Not going to have anything to say
I'm fine when I'm not

Honestly
Distant again
Lying
I'm fine
Shut up shut up
Hello names Nelson
I use to be a alcoholic
Slightly a pill addict
**** recovery
And **** the therapy
This is **** I'm about to learn
Grab a hold of my headphones and run till I burn
I need to run 2 miles after a 1 and a half light jog
"Nellie, you've gotten fat"
I can hardly eat
Starting to ******* lose sleep
Honestly I'm ight
Honestly i don't wanna fight

"I'm vulnerable, don't mock me!"
Well you're too gullible, it's not mockery!
"I'm ****** in my head"
How about you leave your boy toys alone instead!
You're always claiming something
But you're doing nothing!
You can't read, you failed to succeed.
Now you're saying you've skipped a beat, but you can breathe. Meanwhile I'm still on my feet, not throwing my shots cheap. But somehow you claim you bleed. Like that's another problem for me!
**** your apology, you've never said it.
You're ****** in the head, but leave it open. Now I'm the one to close it and get called closed minded.
I don't think you can add the two cents let alone divide it!
Commen cents, but not a penny towards your common sense. Now I'm the bad guy, still applying first aid to your open wound. Now you want another man to fill your new empty room?!?!
Get the **** out of here and learn by yourself
But you're ****** in the head and all the sudden have horrible mental health.
That didn't stop you with these men full of false hope
You play but can't take a joke
You know, I should really just throw your name out there. But why would I dare?!?!
Oh, right...... I'm still better than that
Don't leave a voice-mail, don't ever call right back
*****!

I'm just sick of it
Not how I imagined it
I'm decent
I'm fine.
I'm good, I'm great, I'm fine.
Not drunk, not sleep deprived.
I'm slowly getting stable.
But I'm also just fine.
I'm fine once
I'm fine twice
Call it a double tonight.
I'm fine

I've been doing good but I still have karma dimming my light.
I pay some respects but still struggle with my life.
Been spending A lot of alone time reading and writing.
But for the sake of my securities I doze off in silence.
Mute my phone, turned off notifications.
I'll be doing okay

Hi there, no one can care
Shut up? What are you afraid of.
Ain't nobody need you?
No matter how much you change or go through.
How will you go about your feelings about me.
I guess it's worth hurting me.
But you want to move on.
No matter how bad i need you it ain't worth having some I love gone
I can spiritually involved.
But doesn't matter because no problems were solved.
What's love?
I'll never know till I'm high above.
I'm in agony please help me stop.
Hung up my feelings and there's no selfish thought.
Ain't nobody attracted to me, how is it for you so easy.
I guess men don't get happy.
We're meant to be miserable and suffer in silence full of agony.

I know I was never enough. But you've given me love. For never baby, But we've been distant lately. You began to tell me you've been regretting being with me. We fight then get clingy. With out each other there isn't any safety. We started to ****, then you began screaming you hate me. You have new secrets but then you break me. There wasn't any lie that kept us sane. But now we bring each other pain. I've used your words for granted, I manipulated you by mistake I swear it was a accident. Now I'm angry, I started arguments for reassurance. you've told me what's mine is yours and yours is mine. Now you demand privacy all the time. Fear made me so different. Last night I don't remember the arguments.  Simply not meant to be! But we sooth each other when we're lonely. I've said **** I never meant. But we're too broke to leave because we split rent. I see your post as if I was that shadow dying by your light. Did I darken your world? Was mine already dark? But I'm not enough, we fell apart. A crossed heart but hope already died. Tears dripping from your eyes. You yell at me with these goodbyes. I bring you to our room in hopes to show you where safety was, I'm so frightened I forgot how to use my words. But you fight me physically and things got worse. Tell me I'm not worthy again! you wished for the best but then I split my wrist open. You yell at me again.  Sorry love for hurting you but I promised myself to defend.  Now when it's a decent day we play pretend. You smile, I cry. I laugh, you break down. I'm too toxic so I'll burry my feelings for you deeper in the ground. It's hurting like hell to let you leave me, it kills me to see someone making you happier so soon so fast. I apologies for everything I hope you've gained your trust back.

I just want to punch everybody
Don't do me *****
I'm not a mutt
Not my fault everyone decided to be a only fans ****
Being naked is beautiful and innocent
But the pleasure can be a sin
I'm not a mutt nor do I need leash
I'm just broke and everyone's cheap
How is it that I'm the first to go under the bus? But these hypocritical people cross their heart on me! Loyalty?
Not really
Loyalty is sticking by my side and not threaten to throw me as soon as it's your convenience
I'm not a mutt just caged in achievements
I guess you truly can't trust no one, it's like watching your back get butchered
I'm trained to sit, zip my lip
But take the fall for stupid ****
Working for false achievements
But I'm to take a trip to fall off a bus for your convenience
Once again I'm not a mutt

I'm not okay,
My issues are going to overflow
Feel like these issues will clog my drain
I'm definitely not sane
But I've got hope and at least some comfort
I'm not about to watch the people I love live comfort less.
I feel the weight adding on the thin ice I walk through.
Fine let the Ice shatter
I will drown for a little bit
But I know how to swim
It will just be a hell of a fight
That's right fights on ***** because I'm not about to drown
***** it all because I'm not okay.
I promise I'll be fine

I'm not going to pretend I've got a lot to lose. But I got more than myself to prove. Just got into a habit of expecting the worse. I burned bridges, slit my wrist and put myself in ditches. But still manage to put my friendships six feet into the dirt. They don't want me at my worst maybe they don't get to see me at my best. I'm a put my happiness to a rest. I know I'm not the greatest to be around especially when I'm just ******* depressed. But my past and stories stay with me. I was not okay and drunk while saying shut impulsively. Am I mad or bipolar. The ***** the difference? I still want to burn the world, my world..... maybe things will chill in the end.

I feel the need.
Somebody help.
I crave the love for my heart to bleed.
This is not part of my health.
I wish to seek love.

I got impatient again
Personality left open
I can predict your situation
The past feelings you suffer with is a bad reputation
But that's okay, we all drown
We've got to swim and request help
Sometimes you're better off on your own
Light up my phone
Comfort isn't a toy, that's a feeling you don't play with.

I cried and yelled at the world, use to be caught up with one girl. Look at me now, attempting a new goal. Last time I was ready I ******* up hit my thoughts on reset
Now I'm put that insecure **** at rest

A lot of these nights I wish to have a girl go on a date with me.
I'll be touching every detail just to be that girls sight of this sea.
I want to get fired up for some love.
Wish I had the chance to have someone to be proud of.
Will she try to be that perfect image?
I would think she didn't need to change.
She'd already got my attention, why go the extra mile for me?
I wish to have some kisses, snuggles, and an another half.
I just don't want to feel empty.
I know for a fact girls will spend hours with their hair and their make up to impress and express.
I love the effort and attention but Sadly I don't have that.
That someday is taking so long.