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Nellie 55 Jan 2021
A cold one to drink as I day dream. Poetry to read and stream. I've got a decent streak. But I've got plenty to think. Feel like I've got the world wrapped around my fingers so I give it a clap. Earthquake with words I can live with that.  

I love to feel anxious because it demands my respect. Can't live with a regret. But I learn quickly with a reality check. Always  did shut solo. But my predictions ways illuminates my personality so I glow. But I'm happier with anxiety because I lived it.

Ever take a step back to enjoy the autumn views? A smile has me too. But it's something I don't lose. Always wanting a London fog to sip. Warmth down my body but I don't lose it. Never had the fog, but it fits the picture and I frame it in the back of my mind.

I love loud music in my car. I jam and play air guitar. I don't drive very far. But I drive slow to enjoy the last part. Cross my heart! Music therapy helps me. Especially with that struggle I deal with mentally. Smooth ride to cruise. I've got nothing to lose.

My favorite heroes are between DC and Mavel. But I'm my own and it's a miracle. Spider man or the flash. I still "stick" the sense pretty fast. Krypton has me wishing, but this beer is all I'm kissing. Here the news? Parker took a picture of superman while iron plans his move. I enjoy a conflict that has me confused.
Nellie 55 Dec 2019
I hate myself  
Im not worth ****
She ain't want me
Im in agony
She can't trust me
Dont no one want me
I'm not of worthy
No one will ever ******* love me
I guess i wasn't meant to be happy
Nellie 55 Nov 2015
If anybody got the message from Elliot and is able to help will you please help or at least spread the word.
Nellie 55 May 2020
One of the days I feel good I get in a arguing text match with my best friend
People ask if I okay but it's not something they care about, its all pretend
Spent a lot of time thinking
Ended up drinking
Now that's my identification
Go ahead and predict my life not like were going to continue a conversation
Things go out of hand through text
Phone calls get voicemailed no **** got complex
If you say you're done then be done
This mental confusion hits harder then a gun
I'll back my loyalty up with the friendship
Not about to quit
But if I'm ghosted it wouldn't be new to me
Let alone with my personality
We've all said **** we didn't mean
Arguing of something in the past as if it was we just hit up a time machine
Now no one wants to talk or speak
Can't blame me for getting upset when I tried to work it out but it takes up time and I feel mentally weak
Nellie 55 Dec 2020
Didn't want to be the only one to drink
Always in the mood to write and think
As it hits me
I let myself sink
But my body floats above
Especially with this strong buzz
Just when I thought I didn't have enough
Nellie 55 Feb 2020
I appreciate compliments
Not use to it so i cherish it
I'm alright today
Headphones on music blasting
I'm a make it
I'm shy and awkward now a days
I have a habit of keeping distance
Pretending there's no existence
How's life going everyone?
Anyone kicking *** and taking names?
I know it's tough out there but I'm sure you'll make it
Nellie 55 Jan 2020
I've split my veins. Took it out because I'm insane. I wont ever seek out my main. Life full of depression and pain.
Wait whats my name?
**** it who cares no one will be there
Honestly who's going to really care?
I'm a be distabt again. Bleed in regrets and lit that stay open.
I use to be so beautiful
Now I'm empty and petty
Wasn't close to being ready
***** it I'm a lose it
I'm a regret it
But oh well who really listens
Who wants to deal with my depressed ***
No body has time to list to any of that
Nellie 55 Mar 2020
I'm thinking I'm a never alright
Running out of smokes tonight
Been a long trip with my journal and I
Wished I was phenomenal with my writing
Been there since gosh knows when
Always fighting
Horrible lighting
Mood striking
Need some relief I'm in need
Of my skin to bleed
Perhaps a flame
What's wrong with my obsession with random pain
Nellie 55 Jul 2020
Never wanted to panic
Took a hit from insecurities now I have it
Been working just to make it
Use to drink do to my flaws, now I drink to accomplish them. Cheers to failure, flaws got me here.
Now is the time to grab fear.
My little homie is committed with guilt
Experienced something real
But drown in fakeness
Wished that pressure was weightless
Relating to **** commitment
Hey man we're all facing that experiment
Just need to chill, doctor suggested a pill
No time for that antidepressant
On the search for real excitement
Shoot for the stars while flaws gaze upon me
Accomplish failure still haunts me
But who doesn't face failed attempts
Builds up commen sense
I've got my two cents
Just need to vent
What up Dylan how's it going
Heard you're frustrated
But you've got time to change
Got your back and don't be afraid
Not about to stab it with a blade
Patch you up and we'll upgrade
Waiting for you to calibrate
Nellie 55 Dec 2019
I have to try and let go. She don't want it anymore, feeling tears run down my "handsome face"
Here crying without you baby, my wishes are meant to be for the best. Hope our love will meet again and the past may die down and in peace rest. Knowing you don't want me back is one of the worse nightmares ever experienced.  How do you really feel my darling? Everything secretly alright? Just one last kiss, before we consider each other strangers. I'm still in love, but it's time for me to let go. To me you'll ways be cherished because when you smile you made my heart glow. By the time I improved myself, my life flashes. The love of my life decided it was time to go and before i know my face melts and hopes crashes
What's wrong with me? I wish to be held till i cry myself to sleep
Nellie 55 Jan 2020
Wish I had someone to care for me
In bed cold and sick with no one to see
Struggling to be happy
But she's lost her love
He's a wreck
Sleepless
Distress
No love ;(
Nellie 55 May 2020
I'm working on life as best as I can, always that helping hand. Made huge mistakes that can ruin my job, tried to brush it off. I live life anxious and that's how it'll be. Feels like there isn't much humanity. Everyone's so unique in their own way. I write positive vibes everyday. I'm a phenomenal poet, yes I know it. It's a escape, I know who's fake. Don't mean to watch others break. I'll always pick up the phone even if it's late. Just spam the call, hope you know I'm not about to allow an individual fall. I can't say I'll always be there to catch, but I'll pick them up and help them with a regret. That's it that's all me. Now tell me what's the next achievement to be happy.
Nellie 55 Jan 2020
No sleep
Tempted to bleed
I'm not going to eat
Call me stubborn but I feel as if I can't breathe
I'm arguing with my thoughts
Conversing the ****** side of myself
Don't be a ******* Nel
You deserve the worst and you better listen well
You dug your own grave
Hahahahaha
Now you claim you're in pain
Don't nobody want to hear it
Just handle your own ****
Best not cry neither
You're the lying manipulative cheater
Especially when you're the one who can't pull that trigger
Guess what she was the one to pull it and still couldn't even get the shot
Welcome to a petty party
I hope you siffer and silence
Especially when you think about it
Hope you can't speak or even not sleep about it
Not hungry again
Well good radiance what's next? Is your veins going to be open?
The past is like a split leg or wrist
Something to bleed up until you're numb and want more because you can't resist.
The past will maybe heal but you'll have one hell of a scar.
You'll be lucky if time allows scars to disappear but guess what nel?
Nobody gives a **** who you are.
This is something you need to suffer through.
Look at the dumb **** you put her through.
You're nothing but a "sin"
Time to cry again
Nellie 55 Feb 2021
I've wanted to change, but life got in the way. Wanted to appreciate, but felt guilt and depression got in the way. Drinking a dozen, trying to change for something. Ended up with nothing. But the storms passes me by after a long pause. Restarted to catch these flaws. Homie told me to watch the rainbow in the end. For a moment I can just smile with full attention. The tunnel eventually gave me light, even the brightest stars die. Life full of history but people don't want to make it. I'm demanding myself to work on it. **** those who wouldn't trust me, when have I not left you lonely? I trust, but don't trust. I love to fall again, happens more than a imagination. But the sky brought me a rainbow, I brought my coat this time. The wind chill can dry me off from the storm that caused my emotions frost bite. Found that sunshine, this is a beautiful moment and it's mine
Nellie 55 May 2019
I feel the insecurities
I get the heart aches
Dont matter what time it is
My chest dont hold back
Been a mental struggle
Success was considered a myth
How long before I sit in comfort
Or even in silence
All my aches and insecurities scream at me
Just please give me a break
Sorry couldn't think of a title for this one as well lol
Nellie 55 Nov 2020
Why is it so hard to slow down on drinking?!
But no one cares enough so I start over thinking
But to be fair I never speak
Nor eat
Especially know when I start shrinking
So maybe it's a bless I impulsively start drinking
Then I know who can tolerate me at my worse when they seek out my best
But until then I can not put my sanity at rest
Insecurities a ***** when you're known as a mut
But everyone I love treated me like a shut
So I guess knife and hands put me on my back
Stitches so close there is no such a thing as slack
Nellie 55 Feb 2020
Pumping out my veins
Blood shot eyes
Going insane
Going to avoid lies
Wish I wasn't so attached
Been hurt way to much
Is it possible to get my heart detached
Bout to lose my touch
Nellie 55 Jun 2020
I want to end it. Sick of these voices manipulating me. I want to scream, I want to crawl. Start fresh again. Avoiding the people that don't make time. How many people will make it with me. I predict very few. Some of them should me the truth. Others bailed and went out their own way. Always by my lonesome anyway.
Nellie 55 Jan 2020
Everything I'm struggling
But ain't we all?
Here let me tell you about myself...
I'm Nelson Antone Hall Jr.
But you can call me Nel or Nellie.
I'm something not people can understand at times.
I've been abusive and I've lied and cheated my way.
I'm just trying to clean up because of my messed up past.
Guess who changed for that to hit me back.
Sometimes I beg and plead
Then I isolate to go cry and grab a blade to bleed
Look i know I'll be fine "it'll pass"
"You're strong"
Well i am weak
I'm **** near dead inside
Pills don't work
Ranting to a professional don't work
I'm like paralyzed for what it's worth
Hello karma pleasure to meet you
You going to help me follow through?
Suicidal or success
Lets just start of with a couple of regrets
How many times will it take
Am i going to break?
How long before I heal?
This pains just to real.
I'll type and write with tears rolling out of my eyes
I'm a learn
I'm a put a fire towards me to burn
No place to ****** hide
Just lit it up inside
But its okay now
I'm a joke now
Been nothing but a lesson
When will I learn
What about me
Theres just lack of care and somethings not right or comforting
But I'm a ****** walk this world with flames in my hands
**** the haters that step to me
Throw hands at me and let me fall
Because I refuse to be myself
Nellie 55 Jan 2020
Hey Nel,
I've got more to say.
You've never been enough anyway.
No one wants you how does that make you feel?
Theres Karma for you time for you to deal.
Not a soul will give you a chance you deserve.
Guess what? You got served.
You're not just a mess... you're a stain.
People gotta deal with you guess what? You're a mistake.
Oh, sorry what?
You're about to break.
I've got new for you... now don't cut...
But heres the news.
You've never been to special now you're something thats worse then being regretful. Not only that... you're a *** and fat.
Not even sanity respects you. You can write a story on yourside. But nobodu will list so its time for you to hide.
Your teats rolling down your face is a miracle.
Can you gues why? Nah nevermind.
I'm not going to diss you because I not going to give you a spotlight.
Might as well marry darkness because not evwn satan himself will wanna say your name in vane.
Nellie 55 Feb 2020
I've insecurities
I'm working on it
I've anxiety
Impossible to cope
Walking in the cold
I've got my headphones on to prepare a crying session
I don't think I'm a learn a lesson
Voices everywhere
Losing hope I don't care
Mommy, daddy
What's happening to me
Nobody is really helping me at the moment
I need enjoyment
Nellie 55 Oct 2020
What are you doing to your body
No food because someone cracked fat jokes now you're claiming not a hottie?
What are you insecure again.
Whats next splitting wrist open?

Don't even start! I'm attempting to keep these voices apart. I work 10 hour shifts and the las i need is some thoughts dissing me. I want to be happy.

You can't be happy not getting when you're notified as Nellie with a belly. You need to lose weight to look great.

Nah man I'm just enjoying myself again. I've lost **** near 20 pounds

Hold up 20 pounds isn't enough. No wonder you can't find love. You're the definition of a mistake. What happened, did you're heart break? No wonder why everyone left. You black out and its your own regret.

I just drink to feel nothing. Now I realize its atleast something. I know I lost myself. No one hates me more than I hate me. What a true agony. So what no likes me
Nellie 55 Dec 2020
Saw each other everyday, grew a bond along the way. Still will remember the great times we've had and begin to grow love everyday. Hearts planted, for life stays granted. We stick together and find peace. For that I learned to take care of me. I hope its a good future you receive, because with this new improvement I'm a seek to achieve.
Nellie 55 Jan 2021
**** your apology, that doesn't mean anything to me. Truly not yours sincerely, couldn't believe I took you seriously. Just had to be poked, at first it was serious but now it's a joke. We met each others family, for a second I was happy. We dreamed of loyalty because we knew betrayel. But still under a storm now there's hale. Dreamt of love but it broke, now I'm woke. Under a nightmare that heart broke. **** your apology, now feeling like **** so I write in agony.
You decided to chill in the dark when I searched for you with a light. Drowned me under a burnt out spotlight. Now I'm to let it go, but for that I decided to walk away slow. False hope! Started off talking about ****** up **** we've done in the past. Worked on making this relationship my last. But she looked back, picked up the old habits to put it in my track. I tried to take a step just to trip. I guess I'll see myself next fall.
Tough talk after a change, in my past I admit my lies and cheating. But I learned from it, now her flaws had my emotions defenseless. **** a apology when I'm trying to be happy. Fighting mentally, worked together financially. For a 10 minute poke, now loneliness provoked. How am I to take you serious when I'm treated Like a joke? **** your apology, this is me trying to be happy.
Nellie 55 Feb 2020
Not a lot of you know my story
But I've been the suspect and the victim
Ask a ex, I was abusing all sorts of ****
I even took it to far for a bit
Started blacking out on purpose
Got hooked real bad
Lost all the responsibility I've once had
I've been taken for granted
Hurt others to a whole new planet
I don't deserve ****
I wanna really feel the iverdose for a bit
Nellie 55 May 2020
I wish I was okay, wish I had comfort today
Wish I had love on it's way
But I'm alone, drama blowing up my phone
***** it I'm drinking when i get home
I need a break, I'm have a mental ache
Sick of the job already, everyone is just way to pity.
I need some time, to make things right
Especially for my mental health
A perfect distraction because I'm in hell
I struggle with anxiety, always overthinking. My life feels like I'm sinking. So I started drinking.
I just wish it wasn't hell
Nellie 55 Jan 2020
I'm writing to remember
Wish I can never see another December
Road trip to hell
Love was a fail because I fell
Crawling to get back on my feet
Done stuff impulsively and said thungs i don't mean
Why am I hurt
Why does it burn
I'm cold and alone in this dark path
Do I miss the comfort wish i had it back
Nellie 55 Feb 2020
Dear Katelyn,
Sorry you got the worst of it.
Anyways I'm looking into the help i should take.
Appreciate you dealing with me at my worst.
Wish you were able to stick around whenever i do make it.
I'm going to get clean
I'm going to get help
I'm going to stay sober
I have to
I need to
I'm going to let myself fall a few times
But mama said it'll always get ugly before it gets pretty.
Mama also mentioned no one will last long enough to see a change.
Once they see a darkside they all look the other way
Nellie 55 Nov 2020
Upon this journal I write
About to fill these pages to find some light
Dark ink beautifully written with pages going to the right
On top of that I mentally fight
Maybe one day it'll be filled with some delight
Recycled ideas in sight
I continue to write
Even if it's wrong it'll still be right
Nellie 55 Feb 2015
The only man who should be upset, is the man who never planned on finishing the job his/herself
N.A.H
Nellie 55 Feb 2024
From the day we met to the day you left.
Always had each other's back naturally.
Miss the way we'd take care of each other because we knew toxic relationships and misguided intentions.
You'd care for me like I was the last sincere soul in your life.
The way you'd doll yourself up for me, the way you'd put my interest of beautiful things into your nails.
Such as color, vibe, and what I thought was pretty in the moment. Hell at one point you got your nails done inspired by Tim Burton.
(You knew me well)
The smile you give me when I noticed those things. I was so gullible and so dumb to realize you went out of your way to make me go at awwww
Coffee breaks and lunch breaks during shifts. You'd follow behind me to clear sections for guests, you hosted my feelings to a safe place. You remembered how I loved my coffee and you motivated me to stay sober, to stop dipping, to stop smoking. To be at peace. But it was you that peaced me out. You had gone and left.
Nellie 55 Feb 2020
I use to be touble
Call me a rebel
**** that law
I'm a retaliate you all
Don't want to deal with this
About to get up to your face with a diss
I get the feeling you're noncompliant
Bend the rules I'm defiant
There was a time when I'd start fights
Looked at me for nothing so I put them on a spotlight
****** nose
Knee to the face down they go
Leave me alone
***** you all
About to drop your jaw
Today I don't have manners
To high of standards
Patients is about to relocate
Send me a location and don't vacate
Nellie 55 Mar 2022
You say my name in vain, so my razor exposed my vein. Let's see if your opinions cut deep. Let's see if I find the motive to eat. If depression was a mission... that's a mission complete. All a battle between anxiety and me. We're about to see who's allowed to breathe. Build a fire to fight the cold. But I've already burnt that bridge a long time ago.
Nellie 55 Mar 26
Someone help me love again. Help me with a world that should be mine, the snakes bit me from the grass with some heavy venom that left me open. I just need some time. Stay for me as you'll ever possibly can. I'm getting bit alive. When I survive..... I'll be ready for her to mine!
Nellie 55 Jan 2020
I had love once
Man time flew
Call me victor
I had a corpse bride
Because our love slowly dies
Freed the butterflies
Victoria revive me
Oh no wait this is real life now I see
I can pretend
But i can go so far
Forgot wjere i was going
I can be confused and still feel my own abuse
For real though?
Can a heart break ince it's stopped beating
Will love still be breathing who knows
Maybe it's me that should go
Choices
Options
Yet still locked underground
Can't tell if I'm safe and sound
Nellie 55 Jun 2020
Not like you're daydreaming
Can't trust anyone with anything
Like mountain I become cold
Forget the rumors you've been told
***** getting too old
I'll be climbing to the top
Viewed the disappointment y'all dropped
Views great, tumble my way down before it gets late.
Fresh water, damp thoughts
Words a bit dehydrated
I'm hydrate in my own
I'm not ignorant I'm fully grown
I'd much rather be on my own
Nellie 55 Jan 2020
I don't have time to be playing games
Wanna throw hands just come up to my face
I promise I'll show uo and possibly be the last one standing
**** with me I dares ya
Tell me what you're thinking
You'll be the one sinking
By the time I'm done with you I'll go home and start drinking
You're a *****
I'm a man
What's the issue here?
Bet you can't say it to my face because you're probably full of fear
Call me a ****** one more time
I'll come over there and ******* up
You'll be ******* in diapers
Try me again
**** for you is about to be broken
To my bully from the past
Nellie 55 Nov 2023
I just listened to all of your messages on my phone, still some how comforting but I'm on edge and I felt so alone. We both had a great adventure, you and I kept each other safer. But a storm struck and put you at danger. I'm at a lost of words, **** really hurts. With the words I could of said, they're now trapped in my head. Too the moon and back baby, been missing you a **** ton lately. I don't think I'll ever recover, but I'd still repair myself and hope I can put it back together. I miss sending you letters. Darling you deserved better. I came accross old pictures I forgot about. Laughed out loud, cried silently. Now my storms full of panic attacks swarming my chest with anxiety. Hello darling I miss you so much, a voicemail to get me through for a moment. You're quotes "I love you"
Got me through after a moment of hyperventilation. I wish to squeeze you and hold you for life. How do I accept reality because this **** isn't right. Cupcake I love you and I'll be sure to take it easy tonight.
I'll take care of your type writer
Nellie 55 Sep 2019
Don't know what to do
Felt like my heart was pumping glass shreds into my veins
Never had a clue
I'll still wait for you

My actions weren't the greatest
But here's my story
I messed up the love of my life
Here i am trying to make it alright
I'm still losing the fight
I'm tempted to paint it all black
Got this heart ache and a deep fear of not getting her back
I'll still wait
What's the worse thaf can happen?
Time's already drowning me with thoughts and fear
Rejection already skins my confidence alive
Questioning my past already burns
On serious level whats the worst that can happen now?
This wait is teaching me how to survive, haven't you know I'm a survivor?
Nellie 55 Jul 2020
Sitting in the office anxiety rushing through my chest.
Whatever happens is a lesson not a regret
Most of been a good thing I left.
No om not about to look back,
I'm a move forward and **** the ignorant people that mock me and laugh
Nellie 55 Apr 5
If I can't convince you that I want you, no one else will. I've gone back and forth through hell countless times, I know you don't wanna be left alone still. Much rather you hurt me now and admit that you lost interest in me. Darling I don't need much convincing, just a man working hoping to capture love. Pieces fall from my chest, where I'd like your head to rest. The screams, the songs, the beats, and the sounds of blood pumping my veins. Ghosting me isn't new to me, it's just another dark place. Maybe I brought up too much heat I don't blame you for throwing yourself in the shade. I'll always be ready if you're serious.
Nellie 55 Jan 2015
Wake me up before the nightmare carries me to a non ending scene.
Take me to the life I planned always wanted to dream.
I got my dreamcatcher in my heart.
I am proud to breathe...
but get me out of something i don't want to call a bad dream.
N.A.H
Nellie 55 Feb 2015
When I woke up this morning I felt the need to rush to something where I know I have not point in hoping. These streets fill me with sorrow so the songs I jam to don't make a change when music turns off. I then become to realize this sun will rise as long as they days productive. So sorry to disappoint you all, I tell you this is not right for me. just promise to hand me a flash light and Let me find my way out of this tunnel. I just want to please everyone but it can't work unless I please my needs
World will you please stop, not for just me but everyone else who needs to catch up. we got nothing but time, why don't we just slow it down to savor the peace earth has brought us
N.A.H
Nellie 55 Mar 2021
Feels like my steps are talking
While my head spins I just keep walking
World spinning, thoughts winning.
But that's only the beginning.
I find peace with loud headphones on
Walking around with the right song
Singing some rock music
Laughing while Em is telling me to just lose it
I'm taking a step to cool off
Not doing it because I'm *******
But I'll give my thought a uppercut
All that to do a chin up
I cherish these walks because it feels like home
Written in dark cursive has my lessons but I still hold my own
Like a star bright with a emotion it dies out like a flash of a light
To a dark place but a dim light at the end of the night
I walk to get fresh air
Walking to find myself to care
But one day I'll walk there
Nellie 55 Sep 2024
I've been a mess without me.
All I've wanted was to make accomplishments with you.
Thought I've found another safe space.
Built these walls to guard my mental place.
I've never wanted any break ins, tell that bad wolf to hold his breathe, I plan to blow myself away.
I thought I wanted a whole new life with you, until you lied me awake.
Only lies I wanted was the wraps around each other arms. Now I hope this pain stays away. I hate the way you got me
Devastated from the rollercoaster full of what ifs and buts along with the hate and adore. Was hard to ignore.
You're knocking and pounding on my doors, now these bricks I've rebuilt crack and break on the floor.
How did this piggy become the wolf when I was the one attempting to huff and puff your love away?
Nellie 55 Oct 2020
The touch of a warm coffee cup
The taste of warmth slowly hitting the belly
It's peaceful this morning
I'm ready for the day, even if it's a long one
Nellie 55 Apr 2020
I got hooked.
The world spinning
I'm buzzin
Gave life my all for nothin
I'm ugly
Look at my hot friends aren't they ****
Let's pretend I'm something special
Like I've bee  this "special"
Up until I was replaced
**** it, now I need a bottle with no chase.
Hi Benzos, miss me?
Tempted to try again because **** this anxiety
Nellie 55 Mar 2021
Ever have a movie of thoughts in your having a marathon?
But can't find yourself to run that long?
I even avoid the words I shouldn't say in the first place
Trying to stay at a steady pace
I've got my own motives
I wouldn't want to blow it
I'm now drawing in liquor I've got my own life coat
How about you just let me float
You haven't struggled withe so why does it matter where I go?
I'm only feeling safer talking to myself
I don't know who to trust
But I'm doing just fine
I don't want to have any secrets to hide
Nellie 55 Apr 2019
I failed and I'm sorry,
Together we can make a difference.
Just gotta try harder.
What are you afraid of?
My anger?
We're like phycopaths drowning and smiling.
We can do this I'm not hiding.
We can do this I'm here baby,
Been thinking about us lately.
Without your touch I'm going crazy.
Without a glance I feel destruction making me.
We can do this honey,
Look forward and take my hand.
I didn't mean to hurt you baby,
Together we rule I know you understand.
Nellie 55 Mar 2020
Exhausted
Not motivated
Depression
Hungry
Randomly sexually frustrated
Irratated
Lonely
Anxiety
Betrayed
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