As I attempt to move forward,
I catch myself going the wrong direction.
The temptations in my head lead me to self conversations,
but I hold back do to self motivations.

**** a temptation when I have myself.
I will throw success at my mental health.
Some have lost their lives,
Maybe they'll find themselves on the other side.

I avoid myself because I scare myself when I careless,
I've always wanted to avoid my regrets.
It got tougher when everyone I loved left.

He got your attention
Had a lot of cute ****
Adorable intention
Now he's going to quit
Stop feeding him your attention
Ghosts are comin
Let's run away
I'll be your hero any day
You're my bestfriend
For real though all the way to the end
I hate saying forever
Because forever is a myth
Look at the **** we both dealt with
"*** don't leave"
"I'll never leave"
On a serious note i mean it boo!
Not worth it
You're a shooting star killing the darness in flames
A beautiful soul as Jesse McCartney would say
Anyway
He all the sudden is keeping distant
Why try, he proved himself, not worth it
You a hollar girl
I'm a **** up anybody that hurts your world
Not worth it darling

My love for you can go from intimacy all the way to expressing everything verbally. If your attention found my direction I'd hold you closer. I want us to love each other, I would love to watch us grow older. With you I feel sager.
I don't think you understand how you mean to me. I believe I owe you my heart. I believe you deserve my attendance.
But darling you need to realize things will be okay. You don't have to hide away from me, you don't have to ignore me. My love maybe a mountain, but together we can climb. We can take a hike. Guess what.......?
The adventure has its mystery but....
Wouldn't the view be beautiful?
I think it'd be.
I have a trillion love and miss yous piled up ready to head towards you.
You're my hat to block the sun or the rain.
You're my blanket to keep me warm.
When am I gonna be your Bel to fight off the pain?
I don't believe you know how much I adore you in every sense of the way.

Confidence ruined
Success abandon
Thrills drowning
Second thoughts happening
As the far cry goes
I'm hitting every nerves i throw
I know I am not really okay
But I'm a be fine
Just as long as I stay clean I'll be more then alright
The pain is real for a reason
What a timing especially woth a kick start to a new seaon
He's my motive
He is gonna be 5 this year
And my youngest sis needs me
In fact I'm well needed
Forgot about the times i bleeded
Mission after mission when will it all be over
It's like I'm chasing a single clover
Hell I'll pack up a wish
And hope to go the distance
Something hopefully simpler than this

I just want to get by with bills
A job that doesn't ****
Something worth working for
Nothing less nothing more
Snuggle and watch tv
Staying warm with her next to me
I just want to be official forever
We're ready because we got better

I want you to come home
Bring your cute personality and ignore your phone
I'll leave the night light on so you can walk to my bed
Lay next to me and I'll wake up kissing your forehead
My body naturally clings on
I've got the twinklight on
Come home baby you don't need permission
I'll keep you safe it's home not a mission
Come home to me
Let's love for all of eternity
We still have a journey
Please stay and keep my heart some company
I love you with all my heart
Now it's time to for us to start
We hit a pothole
We can climb out ya know
Come home
Please don't leave in the dark alone

I maybe tired
I maybe exhausted
But I will not fail myself again
I can change but I will not stop working on myself
I am my own priority

Last night i was laying in bed with tears running down my face
Locked myself down in this dark place
Sorry mama I miss you
Never meant to hurt you
So i texted my mom out of the blue
She asked if i was okay
I lied and yeah I had a fantastic day
Pretending I'm mentally safe
But nah man
I am not alright
Had night tares the other night
Didn't crash till 5 AM in the morning
Kitty nap
I wish this feeling wasn't overwhelming
No one can help thats the issue
Spazzing the **** out i want to cut through my scar tissue
Buried deep into a insecure level
Buried more issues grab me a shovel
Heres a response
ALCOHOL
I'm bout crawl
Let the ******* TEARS FALL
NOBODY LOVES ME
but yet they do
NO ONE GETS THE INSECURITY
but they have their own
I'M JUST ABOUT DONE
WHERES MY ROOMATES ***
but I've got a bottle of jack
Hitting my thoughts like i don't know how to react
I've been hiding in my own thoughts again
Losing confidence and that motivation
Who needs to improve when you're classified as a liar
Whos needs to improve when you're classified as a cheater or a beater or a addict
But to be honest I'm more of a alcoholic
Hold up
Wait a sec
Hey Nel
You're a ******* for beating
Now you're sad and all of the sudden not succeeding
the ****
Man up and handle your ****
Just ******* quit
Don't nobody wanna stick around with you
Look at the petty **** you put yourself through
Yeah you ugly
Bet your *** will burn and maybe you'll be pretty
You can cut and hopefully that deep vein
Will put your *** back to a level of sanity
Remember when mama slapped and punched you?
That was funny because you don't know what she went trhough
You got what you deserved
Now your *** will burn
Hopefully you'll one day learn

Your "I love yous" still lingers in the air, I began to hyperventilate because you're no longer there. I can't breathe everytime I think of your smile. We're spending holidays without your famous breakfast and laughs. I'm trying to keep the blades off of our families backs. But this weight on my chest anchored me down, I'm drowning dad. I drown while your love fills the air, I'm a drown because you're no longer waking me up in my gaming chair. I ******* miss that smile, I ******* miss your jokes, I miss your hugs. Out of everything the most I miss your love.
As your presence lingers the air, I drown in bottles and managed to forget how to swim.

Someone found me, I can't wait to be of company. Without a conversation I'm already feeling a bit lonely. Finders keepers, she didn't need to say that. But her heart did. The way she looks at me brought me to safety. I think I'm no longer the hide and seek champion. But hopefully wish to express how happy I've been found.

I want to end it.
Pack a hand full of sentimental valued ****.
Then go elsewhere to split.
I want to end me
Nobody else can see
Cruelty
Now you're wondering why I'm so "Happy"
The ******* think?
I'm a step outside
Run into a dark forest
Looking for creatures that want to play
Maybe get taken a way
Invade a new space
Hearts bout to race
I'm a escape
No happy ending
Heres dark letters I'm sending
"Okay" "fine"
Are feelings I'm pretending
The voices in my head
Reliving nothing but regret
Wondering why they all left
Will someone just appreciate me?
I'm ******* ready to leave
Loneliness is all i achieve
Not including others
By why explain?
I'm a hide in this dark forever to play and pray and hope it's rains
Feelings burning in flames

She brings a mans hope
She's perfect in every way
But the man is shot down
she lost interest before a chance was even given

She deserves better than that
Not like he actually has her back
He's always making her feel bad
But now all the sudden its the best relationship I've ever had
I completely disagree with that
Tracks her phone
She don't even feel safe alone
All that is so wrong
She can't view his because he'll have a behavior
Than she ends up collecting debt with favors
I'm sorry for the way I have to be firm
I've been guilty and the victim of that situation I know what I've learned
**** hurts and burns
But if I ever hear anything I hate I'm a show up and put that ****** in place
Lost you once and would rather have you be angry with me
He isn't making you happy
Just upset and depression filled with anxiety
Not including the paranoia
But continues to ignore ya
Not gonna lie I want to get up in his face and destroy him with my words because he's weak and wouldn't step up to me
He'll probably hide then continue harrasing you on the low key
Now I'm stuck here having to listen to you hurting and my knowledge and judgment for you never was working
Just kept worsening

I woke up with a headache
Patients about to break
Can't seal my lips with duct tape
But felt better listening to music
Head still hurts though
Time for woke I've got to go

Blood dripping
Blacking out again
Need my fix
Why am I doing this
Haven't got the answer
Ask me how I am doing
I couldn't tell you
Are you okay?
Ask me again if I'm okay
I'm going to ******* lose my ****
But I want to quit
As I'm watching blood spread
I grabbed a lighter and wanted to reheat the blood
I wanted to feel the pain
I want to disappear but I've got priorities

we began to snap
we began to talk
it's cute to see her shy
I would love to see her smile
A distant half and half can potentially make a whole
I wonder if she feels the same way?

You think I'm a stalking creep?
Do you even know me?
On top of all of this you posted anonymously
That's low key funny
Sounds to me you're focused on some flaws
Bet you don't know me at all
Why not confront me?
Why anonymously?
Two faced little ****,
People should quit
I don't have haters, I've got fans.
These fans are big on my flaws, especially when they think they know me
Bet they had it easy
I shouldn't assume, but apparently that's what petty people do
A bunch of followers but no one leading
I'm doing it on my own and succeeding
I should warn you, I'm the one supporting worlds and working **** through
I know for a fact I'm atleast loud do to my actions

I don't ever feel like anyone's ready, always going slower and steady. Been hurt so much, life's just full of tough love. But I've gotten stronger with these reps, this will for now be my last set. Someones mistake. Maybe, please don't break. Comfort was all I was craving. I left my heart open, but these fakes left me broken. All I needed was your patience
But wait....catching me at a vulnerable stage, was worth you feeling your ego up while I feel my chest race. My experience was crazy I wrote down some of my achievements. But your patience was lost for me to comfort you at your convenience.
A failed date, then the rant to update. Blogged it to take a verbal break. Now I'm wondering if I'm finding love too late.
Patience is the key, but everything's locked. I wait longer to get blocked. Hands up for cover, also to reach out because I'm a lover.

Stood up
Fell down
Sat up
Lied down
Got the spins
Stood up again
Why is this happening?

I've got these dark spots, breaking the walls and all my locks. I've got these dark thoughts, with a dark cloud chilling on top. Thought about death and even self destructive intentions. If only you can watch the **** I imagine. My heart told me to go to bed, but I chose to drown in my head. Imagine drinking to feel alive, but happiness began to be deprived. I can see myself go up just to fall deeper down. I'd put out the flames with gasoline, drown under water to avoid my scream. Talking and daydreaming of love finding me. But like Nemo I'm lost and my dark thoughts put me far and I can't be found. I'll keep myself in a isolated box, ship myself away so you can't imagine these dark thoughts. Drink pure glass and rocks. A sharp rough forced entry. Swallow that **** with a barbed wire wrapped around me. What the ***** going on with me? Now I smile at the thought of being violent, I cry when a beautiful gesture caused these thoughts to be so silent. Maybe I shouldn't be alone when I get these dark thoughts.

I'm a monster stalking my victims
I received a lot of criticism
This monster love to feed off of adrenaline
It's like fighting a brick wall
Nothing strikes back but you're only hurting yourself
"Tornado meets a valcano"
Well I'm a be fighting the flames while I go in circles
Deteriorate in lava
This monster use to be a liar
Man my now my pants got me fired
This monster would beg and plead
Then catches himself numbed up and made victims bleed
I guess he won't succeed
Just no approval
He was the only one at his funeral
Talk about a killshot
Got hit by a rock
I guess it's gonna be a pillshot
Bam dead
No proper roses beceuse bloods red
I can talk about my past like it was yesterday
But i need to walk forward but i keep fallin in to deep
Need a new shovel it's harder to breathe
I'm always that monster
Please don't cut me off when I'm trying to speak

You can't always rely on help to find a way out, whatever stands in your way may become your way out. Panic may be the first that comes to your mind. But anxiety with fear is a common feeling and it happens all the time. Words like you'll be fine, relax before you pass by. But I'd much rather seek out the worse because stars shine as they die out. Light isn't always the answer. You may feel like dying out but a new experience illuminates a new path. Just got to be ready to fight your way back. Failure is just a slower path to success, just got to take chances for a second of rest. What would you do?

This work place put me through the ringer
A busy bee avoiding the stinger
Not a better place for a bee
I've been put to work for my honey
Beautiful flowers to bloom
Plenty of pollination in this room
Orders from the Queen
21 day cycle and I'll go on repeat
That's the way it's supposed to bee
Working for my Queen
Lavender to coat my scent
A sunflower to watch open
I'm plenty of busy
I'll fly around 20 miles a hour to collect goods from a rosemary
The beauty of a drone, a true natural nature grown
Worker bees protecting a Queens home

You forget that I'm the one who made you.
Don't tell me you're to weak to pull through.
You dealt with worse.
Knock your *** back into the dirt.

Yeah well I've had just enough.
This isn't tough love.
***** too toxic.

You as in I don't know
"toxic"
Shouldn't even quit.

Nah I've got to move.
I've got a lot to lose.

I'll be your superman, your shattered heart will be my kryptonite.
I'll hug you so tight. But as long as you fall I'll take you out so we're in flight. Depression and pain is something we'll always fight.
Remember when we used to talk through dawn? The times we called our home phone, or the endless skating sessions and the top of Pinehurst was our throne?
Well it still is, we're just cloquet kids. For you I'd never put away my cape! But in the end it'd be you who saved the day. You've got the sweetest heart, I swear it was a cavity. But with you I'll always be happy. Darling you were my shooting star and you're now a granted wish.

Love was a joke, especially when you're fighting to avoid being broke. Like my heart, use that in the last sentence. Always on mental maintenance. The smile I use to have illuminated my world. Now it's me alone in the darkness but no one can have my soul.  Marshall taught me love is just a word, you bring the definition. But never wanted all that attention. Wanted to be at peace, anxiety always took over me. Love got me too broke, ask my heart because life got cold. Living in below temperature with out a coat.
Tell me I was never worth ****. But was requested to work for it. Always stayed late, too much to complicate. All that overtime for this ******* heart break. Now tell me I'm ugly, tears formed for nothing. All I wanted was someone to just hug me. Always lonely, ask my thoughts what they think of me. I began to be sober but then doubts hand to enter. Then I lost my temper. But I refuse to go back on pills! No matter how much all this kills. I'd bite my tongue, slit the wrist to let the blood run. Now ask me if I'm happy! I'll smile with a fake celebration and beging clapping. All because I was a ******* joke. I fought to avoid being broke. But my hearts indebt and depression threw me the the negatives. It was so cold I froze. With all that failure I still avoided begging and pleading. Asking for help is not me I'd rather suffer and begin bleeding. But I'm good I ain't about to drop my burden on someone who don't care to see me succeeding. Especially with others who refuse to simply check on me. Talk about a joke.

I know I'm beautiful, failing gave me potential. I conquered being that *****. Some claim I'm a beautiful witch. I **** myself off with my critical thoughts. I'm picky as ****, I want it all because what you've got to offer isnt enough. Sell me your happiness so my mentality has wealth. I'm a ignore mine and others health. They all want one thing, but I do too. But I'm priceless and won't give it up to anyone because I don't like to be used. My impulse ideas bring me a beautiful mess, hard to stay clean when I count everyone's regrets. Talk ****, I'll throw a fit, possibly you'll get hit. But I'm sassy and I won't quit. I care for others a little too much. But what they offer me is never enough. My smile is contagious, be careful love is toxic I promise you wouldn't be able to disinfect it. My personality just kicked me back for dropping a anchor. I'd love to deposit my demons can I get a hold of the gate keeper? Or atleast a soul banker? You do you, I'll do me, I'll be temporary happy. Watching myself with a blush, but thinking of these ******* also filled my thoughts with disgust.

Always destroying my love
Fights break out I began to push and shove
I plan to move
But I feel like there's too much to lose
I'm trapped wearing a noose
Can't catch a breath I seriously have to choose
Self destruction with a depressed cherry on top
But my world completely fell off
No privacy, not even a knock.
That insecure part of me made me so lonely
Can't trust anyone to even get to know me
How will you tell me you care?
But I unlock myself to see that no one's there!
Not surprised, but I've got this mental panic.
Wished someone wanted my heart but I still had to grab it
Now I'm looking past it
It's now my new habit
Who was the old me?
I barely drank socially
Now that temptations getting a hold of me!
Try and tell my I'm ugly!
I've made it the far so go ahead and judge me!
I felt bullet proof until my love shot me
A bottle with a 100 shots
Emptied the liter reloaded and cheers went down the hatch
I'd a wished to take it all back

I still love you
I forgive you
No ammends
I'm always at work "fine"
All because I choose to pretend
Wish to hold you in silence
For the past few days when i napped i dreamt i was home with you baby
Miss us so much I'm going a little crazy
Remember our routine?
I do, I even remember the way you smile when you kissed me
Darling i know we're not okay
But I'm still here for you idc what time its or how late it is don't be afraid to call or come home

What streaks?
What another daily blank selfie?
How about something different for a change?
I am guilty of being boring but the daily got old and I attempted something new
I get boring responses from you
Nice forehead, that will be my head against that blank wall
I look up to the ceiling and boredom hit me til next fall
I guess main events will be the same
Tik toks and radio snaps for about a hour long
I like the person don't get me wrong
Just would prefer something different
People I don't hear from leaving me on read
Then a hospital selfie as they lay in bed
I'm trying to figure out why the pity *****?
Like poor me? I need the get well soon for comfort but it was just a check up....
Now I got heart ache drama but then I get left on read to check up?
I'm a just do me, if it's blank selfie I'll spam you with mockery.
Ask my buddy Kory 🤣

I've low key got a temper, why was I mad? I don't remember. ****** at the world, rotations on repeat. Am I still considered a cheat? Memories like a movie, I'm just trying to improve me. But not proving for others just myself. I'll get played my mental health. But still will be doing well. Oh, we're playing the compare game? Didn't know, sorry I'm going insane. But why a contest? We're all individually equally distressed. But now you tell me your regrets, but then you claim no regrets so I got up and left. You aren't ghosting me, I'll here about the same problems tomorrow.
I've got anger and patient issues but I keep my lips sealed. Would not recommend opening up because then you'd be a victim by the time I'm done. But all good I'm not about to say ****, I just block it out to make the temper quit. I talk to mywith loud headphones on. What's the worse that can happen, trust me I'm not wrong.

Mental issues drowning my brain,
Feel it deep into my vein.
So much for being sane.
I don't feel right because all this **** causes pain.
I feel like I'm going insane.
What's wrong with me now?
I feel my thoughts screaming at me very loud.
Of course out of the blue she wants to be distant.
I'm mentally going mad.
I feel the rage and disappointment rushing through my ***.
I'm starting to feel insane.

I have potential to be the greastest.
I know I can make it. Don't need to fake it.
I'm a rule this achievement, need to stay positive even though my thoughts are negative.
What's the truth?
I'm learning to walk again.
Once I heal I'm a not be so wide open.
Has anyone ever felt so powered up?
Especially after losing love.
My feels sporadically broke out.
Never meant to isolate and fill myself with doubt.
I'm a phenomenal human being,
I'd write you a song but unfortunately i don't know how to sing.
I can fight and I can win.
But what's the point I can't even.
Does it really matter?
I'm lose myself but I'll pick it up.
Let's go out there and make a dream come true.
I've lost myself and found out miracles can pull me through

Darling you're not okay, you avoid me all day. You're trying your best, but you avoid rest. Now your veins are filled with regret. Babe you just need help being sober. Life isn't over. If I can survive so can you. I'll help you through. We only got ourselves to lose. The real ones stay, their words not mine but it's part of dark and gray. I'll be there for you everyday. Help you avoid another wave. Like a hand saying goodbye I'll be the first to greet you. That's just what I'd do. You've got a lot to lose. Your life matters and it also matters to me. You're not losing me, thats not whats meant to be. Darling I'll stay with you through your fix, I'll fight til you're sober. Your life isn't over. I cross my heart and hope to die. But this reality and pain don't lie. We fight to survive! But babe you'll be alright. I'll be here for you life and the afterlife.  Darling it won't be alright, but you'll do just fine. Pain demands to be felt. But for you I'll be your stitches, I'll fight off the temptations to be dead in ditches. Just like the world turning in you, I'll rotate nothing more than love. Hey love, you're more than enough.

i wish to run the world with no limit for a day
unlimited amount of impulsive choices
ignoring every ones  voices
I wish to maybe get away
find a better place
sick of hearing my name in vain
about to really be a pain
okay headphones on
Bring me the Horizon
Pierce the veil
three days grace
get scared
these are the current bands mood
about ready to blast my music loud
got a motive to make some pathetic ******* proud

I've studied my actions like there will be a test
Flunked out and still couldn't rest
Graded my own personality and still wasn't the best
Misspelled actions and scribble some of my past
Used a highlighter to brighten some of my success
I hope I learn fast
Not in a rush but I atleast have to see the highlighted points
I hit up my memories like a text book
Wondering when will be the next break because I don't remember the last one I took
Dyslexia caused me to read slower
Doesn't mean much it just means I'm cautious with my flaws
Trying to improve and thats all

"I don't wanna be alone, I don't wanna be alone in the darkness"
Marshall knows me
But on a serious note, what did I do now?
I went to head home, forgot to charge my phone.
Before all of this I was already contemplating self harm
Wanted to take the edge off
But that's a stupid filthy way
I'm beginning to scare myself
I was doing well at telling the truth
But look I'm about to lose
Grabbed a bottle of Jameson
Drank myself silly
Burn and bled
Wanted a dose because I'm ****** in the head
I claim I have no one because I'm still battling all it myself
Physical and verbal appearance isn't enoguh nor doesn't help
I'll be alone crying and singing a lullaby
I may or may need a med
The lights are dead
I'm alone in the darkness wishing i wasn't so ****** up
I hope people will keep their mouths shut
I blacked out and started crying
Called my ex
She is so beautiful but it's over and I need to figure out what to do next
I don't remember last night because I blacked out
**** i blacked out
Blacked out
Hello darkness that didn't take long to see you again
Where a blade and a lighter
Lets set blood on fire
I've got the urge because its a desire
I need to chill
Don't give me a pill
Though I'm curious
Resuscitate me if I overdose
I'm curious
Nah **** that
I'm better and know better than to do that
Get off me darkness
I don't want to remember
darkness speaks
"Grab another drink then"
Fine I will
I really need to stop relying Benzodiazepine to chill
But wait I haven't done that in a long time lets keep it that way
I don't need a pill addiction
But **** me for failing again
Why did i let darkness in
Where did it begin
What's happening
My night is a big blur
I remember hearing her voice here and there then i remember puking
Then i remember trying to walk........
Woke up crying.......
**** I'm sober again
What the **** just happened?