I've always put others before me
Even if it was hurting
But that's the way it'll always be
The amount of kindness that's need
Evwn if I was the one who bleeded
My health of a mental state will be put last
One call away and I'll show up pretty fast
Hopefully we can stick together and put in the past

Wrote a poem about suicide
Have post pne the piece or atleast separate the part
I'm a feel it later because my feelings been ripped apart.
If y'all were trying to hurt me and my confidence
Well guess what?
That's a mission accomplished.

I felt a good feeling surrounding me.
Everyone was just laughing, smiling, and dancing.
I've wondered how many people were here to just escape.
I didn't think too much, I've had a few to drink and some really good food to eat.
I'm genuinely happy in this moment.
If I can rewind time I'd come back for a minute to just hold that moment.
The sky had beautiful clouds, the music was beautiful and loud. Genuinely happy to be a part of this crowd.

I love and miss you a lot,
Buried you and my father together in a spot
I couldn't help to cry I even fought
Hurts to let you go too
You were leaving too I had no clue
I'm home safe now, with you were doing the same.
But I followed your last request and brought dad home

I listened to my heart speak, understood every beat. Now I'm a do what's best for me. Rise myself up like a king. I've got a handful of dreams. Better sorry than safe is what Halestorm taught me.
Let me find my own light, better yet start my own.
Spread my own roots and take over my throne.
It's what happens when real kings become grown.
I've listened to my heart speak,
I'm a worry about me
Find my own beat
All because I've got one dream
And I'm a be sure to make it

I never thought this would happen.....
I got a call, rushed to the hospital wishing it was you I can call
I was hoping to get you out of there.
I'm struggling twice as hard because you're not here so I'm not about to prepare.  I can't seem to feel okay again, my heart had stopped beating and singing. It aches in silence as my tears drown my face. I'm lost daydreaming about your face. A drink to put my anxiety back in place. Alone I cry, alone I deal, alone I feel. My red flannel kept me cold but hugging you for one last time drowned me with lifeless comfort. Because it was your last warmth I'd touch. Dad I miss you so ******* much!

I'm the type that will help
Especially when it comes to health
**** dweebs don't be around when I'm in need
Guess I scare them off but atleast I can still breathe
I need to be carful
Want to be successful
It's exhausting helping especially wjen i do it for a second job
Alone finally so I cry and sob
I'll put a smile on and put others first
For better or for worse
I'm a survive
Because this pain is real and makes me feel alive
I got a friend thats always in need
For them I'll help them achieve
I guess I'm just that nice guy no one low key gives a crap about

Eyes half open, weak but I've got little strength left. Not about to do another cause to regret. I'm still hoping, I'm a give it my all. Hopefully I can open that door. Close it, lock it. Not look back because I'm throwing the key. I know the past will catch up to me. But I'm a have a head start. Rebuilding my heart. Got lost a while ago. Ready to shine a glow. Going down swinging. My all is something I'm bringing. **** a drink, **** a pill. I'm pure and real. Marshall taught me what to do, NF gave me a idea to pull through. My journal is life, ready to make **** right.

I'm just so anxious
Not as if I'm sporadic
But I'm in between depression and anxiety
Then filled with regret and guilt
Destroyed what I built
Talking to anxiety again
Wrote depression a note
Haven't heard back yet maybe I beed to just go
Why does this happen when i need someone the most
I guess I just must be a ghost

Are you really scared of me? Am I the one who created this dark memory?
Is remembering still your enemy?
What are you afraid of?
We come home and some how we're okay.
I'm realizing my love.
It never even left.
For you all I did was fall.
But you also picked me back up. So I ask what are you afraid of?

In these walls I get intimidated
Closed curtain, with IV plugged in.
Bodies irritated
Anxiety blowing up
Discomfort on my hand with the IV pumping
Cold room
Blanket warm for a minute
But now I'm paralyzed in pain
Have to go to another hospital for a specialist
Time dragging
Needle pain
In my vein
But its to improve health
This closed curtain is hell
Found out I had to go to a different ER to do tonsil surgery
My anxiety came in a hurry
So dad drove me
They went straight to work
Opened my mouth and shoved a needle in to **** the pus out
Slit the tonsil
To use medical plyers to manually get the rest
Pain everywhere
Eyes losing focus
Gagging pus and blood
Worse feeling ever
Felt like forever
Closed curtain
Supposed to be healthy again
But I've been nervous

Not going to pretend I'm playing
I've joked but I still have you praying
Ignore what I'm saying
Mess with me, lyrically I start slaying
Give it a minute, you'll beg for me to quit it
Need a coffin? I put a mask on daily and I'm not coughin
By the time I'm done you'll have some symptoms
If embarrassment was contagious you'll get infected
Bet you'd feel neglected
Should of respected
Now I stand corrected
Critical thinking?
I'll give you a life jacket before you start sinking
What are you drinking?
This is boring
Wake me when I start snoring
I hear coughin
I'm coffin knockin
Bury you down and haven't even gone a foot deep
Pressure builds through your chest because your opinion ran cheap
You're ******* contagious and you're giving everyone the wrong symptom
About to make you my new victim
I've got four by four
Bout to bury you under this floor
About to be easy to ignore
A coffin full of new symptoms
Collecting victims
Need a new shovel
Bout to work another double
So leave your message on my voicemail
About to show these followers what it's like to fail
Before you even talk about it
In silence for a minute
Carving your name in your new home
Might be further than six feet so you're not alone

With the conversations, actions, and sins.
I've began to admire the scars from her skin. They told me stories, chills ran through me and I got cold.
Now I'm all alone.
Good riddance for that but still gonna miss the texts from my phone.
We detach ourselves with things that were tooooo toxic for us to get attached.
Now I'm on a trip to seek myself again.
******* for causing my feels to be open.
I'll be ****** if I allowed your scars and fresh wounds to cause me to be broken.
If I'm a excuse, I hope blood don't drop out of a deep end. *** is my self harm, maybe you should try it. Beats having open thighs with a half slit wrist. I guess it's good that I never gave you a good bye kiss.

I'm really fatigue
Body is far too weak
The loss of consciousness and had nothing to eat
The weakness through my chest
The pain traveling up into my head
All I can hear is the I.V and my stomach
Time dragging me out of my covers
Cold sweats and nausea taking over me
Drenched in sweat apparently
All I wanted was to sleep
Lost motivation to eat
How do I compete?
I'm still really fatigue
Now I've got multiple fluids on my I.V
I'm watching the clock and forever is couting

Why do I ignore me?
Never wanted to make it work, the best I did was my worst. Mocked myself again. Stuck inside my head. Decided to give up instead. It's a lot easier to do nothing, then I've caught myself daydreaming about me doing something.
I've made a difference, used my flaws as a reference. But then I climbed up the ladder. Earned my way to a staircase so I best take a step. Moving up slowly. Not allowing myself to be so controlling.

Good morning,  goood afternoon,  and goodnight to you darkness
I wrote the note hopefully it won't hurt everyone
I'm pretty close to being done
I swear somedays I'm not okay
But i have to be
A handfull of issues and perhaps something that gets me through
I wish it was that easy
I wrote about suicide in my journal and the pages are increasing
Judgment and darkness is all I'm receiving
I wake up ready to just quit
Grab my journals and drive away from this ****
No matter how far or how fast
I'll never escape the darkside of my past
I wanted to write the note
I wanted to explain to you theres no hope
Wanted to cry but chose a different path
I'm always going to be that regret that no one wants back

If I had a rose returned from every girl I attempt to talk too, I believe my hand would be full of scars. I guess I have a odd face with a slight attitude. Sorry sweets I don't trust easy I've been alone since I was about 22. Not like I'm the only one talking to you. I went from being first in line and used to play varsity. Seems like I'm now benched and became a ******* alternate.
***** the difference, I'm still the best anyone can offer. Who cares who's hotter? At least I know where my loyalty falls and I know where her words lie.
I throw salt at the ghost when they avoid saying good bye.

Upon this journal I write
About to fill these pages to find some light
Dark ink beautifully written with pages going to the right
On top of that I mentally fight
Maybe one day it'll be filled with some delight
Recycled ideas in sight
I continue to write
Even if it's wrong it'll still be right

I've been a mess without me.
All I've wanted was to make accomplishments with you.
Thought I've found another safe space.
Built these walls to guard my mental place.
I've never wanted any break ins, tell that bad wolf to hold his breathe, I plan to blow myself away.
I thought I wanted a whole new life with you, until you lied me awake.
Only lies I wanted was the wraps around each other arms. Now I hope this pain stays away. I hate the way you got me
Devastated from the rollercoaster full of what ifs and buts along with the hate and adore. Was hard to ignore.
You're knocking and pounding on my doors, now these bricks I've rebuilt crack and break on the floor.
How did this piggy become the wolf when I was the one attempting to huff and puff your love away?

Hand me that pill, these emotions about to ****, swallow that feeling down I will, I got my drink not trying to spill.
A message to my stepmother father you understood in certain circumstances, I used to drown my life then take chances. I spent so long sipping and slamming bottles. It's ironic because that **** used to help, when I said I'd never drink it bad for my health.
Little brother I need you, youngest sis we talk more and see **** through. Then my second in command, we use to take a hand. You told me you understand, when I couldn't stand. **** some days I feel so defeated and I can't see it through. Mama the ******* need me to do.

You can take it all out on me,
But I'll refuse to see you as a enemy.
You can ghost me,
Just as long as if I know you're not buried in agony.
I know things been rough lately.
How much longer? How many voice-mails do I got to give you?
How many letters shall I send?
Wish you were here, wish I didn't have to pretend. More importantly I wish you were here when I need you. I've been embarrassing myself and I've been wrecking friendships. No one understands me as good as you did. I maybe have 2 maybe 3 by my side, but I know I should be greatful.... but I'm losing motivation and some pride. It's been 4 months since I last heard your voice. I get a text atleast every other 3 weeks. You've still have yet to learn how much you mean to me. Wish I could just give you my emotions and my eyes to show you.

I failed and I'm sorry,
Together we can make a difference.
Just gotta try harder.
What are you afraid of?
My anger?
We're like phycopaths drowning and smiling.
We can do this I'm not hiding.
We can do this I'm here baby,
Been thinking about us lately.
Without your touch I'm going crazy.
Without a glance I feel destruction making me.
We can do this honey,
Look forward and take my hand.
I didn't mean to hurt you baby,
Together we rule I know you understand.

Started off small, worked my way up. Was sick and tired of false love. Got some antidepressants just to chill. Needed a relief so I swallowed another pill. Mentally not okay, but physically fine. Washed my so called sins with the holly wine.  Gave up and put stronger alcohol in to my system. So much for wisdom. Pillshot with my eyes bloodshot. I can get use to this. If this feeling went away it'd be something i miss. All this addictions in high hope to stay alive. How ironic if I stopped i may say goodbye.
Part one....

I've got writers block.
But it's easy to write bad thoughts.
Dark place, dim light.
Been a struggle and been though hell.
All I need to do is put these words on a piece of paper. Classic writing is going to be a thing.
Can't search up a person's hand writing if they don't post a thing.
I've got writers block and I can't do anything but research vocabulary words.

Take a moment to breathe
Breathing is free go at your own pace
Tell anxiety this is my space
Conquer the moment
Remember your hustle like you own it
The world isn't watching
Just the haters
They jealous of your success
They only know flaws
Allow yourself to reset
It's okay to fail and restart
Take that rep
Take a breath
Repeat the cycle again
🧡

Some days I just don't know how to feel
I'm laying in bed contiplating what lies under the truth and hope things aren't so real
How do I begin to wake up under this chill
I know I need to see someone but they'll just give me a pill
The toughest old habit I had to ****
Some things aren't just meant to be this real

Flexing with the outfit I got from my check
Fresh tunes I haven't ****** with yet
I'm chilling going to watch the sun set
I'm broke because these dead presidents left my wallet
My bills stay haunted
But with homies I've got
The people I chill with a lot
Nothing can touch it because it's priceless
Homie grabbed me a cold one to chill out
Y'all got cappuccinos I've got some Busch latte

I wake up still half woke. First jobs to serve orders through drive through, I'm still broke. Second jobs to be sure customers following the rules while I do the escorts but still not enough to escort me financially. A long day and I get to nap finally. Day two I'm sore but I'm cooperating and responsive. I get through it good & still not verbally aggressive. A deprived wallet, I can't even do this for the rest of my life I think my egos haunted. I've got some thinking to do, I'm not going to lie I just don't want to see this through. I've got too many priorities to care about everyone's comfort. But admire the people so I low key put in the effort. Doubts filling my credit score, I'm hoping to barely make more. But I collect more debt with myself. I'm destroying my mental health. I admire the people, so don't be claiming my personalities at my own funeral. I'm still half woke, my two jobs still cause me to be broke. But I still go the extra mile down the road. All I'm doing is playing catch up, but it's still low key not enough. A labor full of tough love.

A good morning have a great day
That on repeat with no voice that's fake
Beautiful mist
Earth rotates with a kiss
A stay in kind of a sweat day
I hope you reach a wonderful wave
With a have good one

Honestly what is power to people?
It can be family, it can be Loyalty, it can even be something as strong as a addiction.
Love is powerful.
Why is love thrown somewhere so deep and tough to dig up?
I don't have that answer
But I do know one thing.
It still reaches into my heart.
Pumps the blood in my veins.
But power is something someone is strong enough to lose and gain.
You'll lose a lot on the way, you'll gain some as well.
But don't allow power to be your addiction.

If I could just pick a time period....
I wouldn't!
I'd just worry about me and the now
Sometimes life has me down
But I dust it off rising up like I'm shooting for a crown
Take a cheers by myself
The benefit if failure has me more aware of my mental health

I want you to accept defeat, I laugh at you when you're off your feet. I doubt you because you're a *******. With this life **** you need to quit. You're not going to heaven,  hell you won't even be a falling angel. Not even wanted by the devil. But you seek sanity but you're far from that level. You're disgusted by that reflection every morning. You're just so boring. How about you put down the pen, grab another bottle and live a sin. I want to fight to lose it all. Don't want you to find comfort I'll see you in the fall. I've noticed Autumn is your favorite season. But I'll darken it for that reason. I doubt you every second. But now you're losing it all over again. Your friends claim you as a ***. Its funny and I agree with that. You've never had a home, now you're drunk sobbing on the phone. Don't no one want you because you're a mutt. Caged on someone's floor because you're a man ****. You're no where near enough. Sure you've got a roof and some water but no treats. What a relief. Dear Nellie, enjoy yourself because you're absolutely nothing.
Sincerely you're only friend Doubt
I'm out

I've drank till my life got tipsy.
Thinking about how life played me.
God forbid I change for the greater good.
I run out of **** to say.
Poor me one more glass anyway.
Maybe when I sober up I will realize my success has been in detox waiting for me.
But who knows where life takes me.
I'm tipsy again to show I'm only a flawed human.
But no matter where it takes me I promise I'm real and I refuse to lose again.

I'm really cold, wish I had grabbed a coat. Had to leave the awkward drama and I'm here feeling neurotic. Am I still psychotic? I wish a stranger would see past my smile by looking into my eyes. Cut me off to hug me and remind me that things are going to be alright. Didn't eat today, left to get my hoodie and glasses. Got angry messages. Avoided going home, I'm in my truck cold. Why does this keep happening? After my attempted changes am I still the problem?
I've had people who mean the world drop me to solve their own problems. We're all paying for life, don't matter because for reality we all be giving it a check. Haven't figured out **** yet. I'm exhausted, been wishing I was doing fine.
I've driven home everyday with tears running down my face. That ***** on the daily. Hold up I'm getting a call, it's anxiety leaving voicemails. I should call back, maybe.
I'm judge
Eyes sore
Hands shaking
Chest aching
Feelings deteriorating
Hearts breaking.

I know I was never enough. But you've given me love. For never baby, But we've been distant lately. You began to tell me you've been regretting being with me. We fight then get clingy. With out each other there isn't any safety. We started to ****, then you began screaming you hate me. You have new secrets but then you break me. There wasn't any lie that kept us sane. But now we bring each other pain. I've used your words for granted, I manipulated you by mistake I swear it was a accident. Now I'm angry, I started arguments for reassurance. you've told me what's mine is yours and yours is mine. Now you demand privacy all the time. Fear made me so different. Last night I don't remember the arguments.  Simply not meant to be! But we sooth each other when we're lonely. I've said **** I never meant. But we're too broke to leave because we split rent. I see your post as if I was that shadow dying by your light. Did I darken your world? Was mine already dark? But I'm not enough, we fell apart. A crossed heart but hope already died. Tears dripping from your eyes. You yell at me with these goodbyes. I bring you to our room in hopes to show you where safety was, I'm so frightened I forgot how to use my words. But you fight me physically and things got worse. Tell me I'm not worthy again! you wished for the best but then I split my wrist open. You yell at me again.  Sorry love for hurting you but I promised myself to defend.  Now when it's a decent day we play pretend. You smile, I cry. I laugh, you break down. I'm too toxic so I'll burry my feelings for you deeper in the ground. It's hurting like hell to let you leave me, it kills me to see someone making you happier so soon so fast. I apologies for everything I hope you've gained your trust back.

I've been alone in so many places
Time dragging and plenty of new faces
Talking to me is a waste of everyone's time
But I sure manage to listen when it's not mine
I don't think a struggle is enough to get by
Especially when it's all I live for along with a fight
Too many flaws to count
But achievements there I need to avoid the doubt
Breath of a cigarette with thousands of what ifs in my head
I don't want this marb red to end
I'm over thinking again
All I lost was the right company
Doesn't matter until someone lost me
I always knew how to take a hit
Not much of understanding a hint
But atleast my attempts are pending
Along with every
"I'm sorry"
Messages sending
I wouldn't give up a chance
But there are time where I lose my stance
Avoiding someone is something I just can't
I'd still offer this hand

Dad I'm sorry for lying
Especially when I tried dying
Got hooked and I lied when i said i was sober
Wanted the past to be over
The goals i set
Now living woth regret
Wished you didn't have to see me in the hospital with a suicide attempt
Then after all of that I played being okay
I played it safe
Manipulating the system judt to get hooked
Then to avoid a trace I became an alcoholic
Sorry pops I got so neurotic
It ***** losing
Especially when it was the one
Look at the aftermath I've done
I swear I'll be okay
Just need to have a detox day
I swear ma I'll do better
I'm a write G-ma a letter