I will do this solo
No need for me to go
Leave me alone
Stop spamming my phone
One
I need a break and I need it fast
Two
I've always showed up last
Three
Preparing to watch my back
Four
Leave me alone this isn't a selfish act

About to head out with the homies we better double up
Drinks on the rocks we about to get this dub
In it to get stupid
I want to act stupid
Talking too much just turn the music up
Have the bass double up
Cranberry juice and titos
Careful lil homie don't be talking to the hoes
We're here to drink, let your mind shrink, I want to see you sink
Double up on shots
Shoot your chances away because you can't be giving it a thought
Jag bombs with whisky
Beer lined up hand them to me
My double fist my drinks I'm a call it Nellie's doubled up
About to give alcohol some love
Late night club
Homies and I are about to double
They'll shoot pool, I sit on a stool
Sipping my drinks as the ice keeps them cool
Let's get stupid
Play a song from cupid
Shuffle that **** on the dance floor
Double up my drinks I'm ready for more

Don't trust Tinder, Never found a winner
She's a Only Fans beginner
But us men have compliments but we're a Thirsty sinner
Just false hope and a haunted app full of ghost
Thirsty Only Fans and stupid *******
Tinder never felt right so I left
Super liked my own business
What's a commitment?
Tinder has always been a joke
Caused me to be broke
I've so paid for the gold and found some Diggers
Full of preps and Only Fan strippers
You swiped right and then left
Account deleted for the 30th time
My ******* pays every dime
Tinder gold, one real joke, I'm hopping off Tinder boat, I've got my life jacket and off to land
Tinder so fake like you don't understand

People try to cross burned bridges
As if they had no where to go
I've got on my coat because the heats so cold
Might as well call it freezer burnt
Always trying to cross over
Learning slow as I get older
I stay for self respect
Never knew what to expect
People act like they know me, especially when they see me doing stupid **** on my story
Never knew I was being judge until an argument comes
They shoot shots at me as if I was dumb
Just out having fun
I've burned bridges and still managed to cross over
It's not all over
I'll wait for a response when in sober
Not like these choices fight back
I've built respect only the real friends know that

I just want to punch everybody
Don't do me *****
I'm not a mutt
Not my fault everyone decided to be a only fans ****
Being naked is beautiful and innocent
But the pleasure can be a sin
I'm not a mutt nor do I need leash
I'm just broke and everyone's cheap
How is it that I'm the first to go under the bus? But these hypocritical people cross their heart on me! Loyalty?
Not really
Loyalty is sticking by my side and not threaten to throw me as soon as it's your convenience
I'm not a mutt just caged in achievements
I guess you truly can't trust no one, it's like watching your back get butchered
I'm trained to sit, zip my lip
But take the fall for stupid ****
Working for false achievements
But I'm to take a trip to fall off a bus for your convenience
Once again I'm not a mutt

Problems like a puzzle
Missing pieces
Here's a corner maybe I'll solve love
But the center is not complete
I'm starting to lose feeling so I get back on my feet
I feel like each corner is the easy part
Because time out I need to isolate
I'm a sporadically all over
But this puzzle cause me to lose focus
I'm thinking too hard
Pieces all over but I'm determined to finish I cross my heart

Not like I can pull in for the drive
This is the only highlight
The beer I've consumed
The music I've got on iTunes
Dead end, lost a good friend
Seems to be the new trend
One second we're out and about
Next we separate with out reaching out
A dead end can be either for worse or the best
But doesn't stop me feeling upset
Same kind of drama
Depression giving people a reason to put life in a coma
Head in the clouds they say
But I struggle with **** everyday
I put my boots on and work til 2am
With no one to turn to
Sometimes I'll just drive
All that to watch the sun rise
Tell me something for you to not to take my advice
So I don't have to replay I told you so in the back of my mind
**** happens all the time
Here's a question I've got to ask myself....
Is this my dead end or is it yours?

I didn't work another double
All just to watch a bigger struggle
Now I'm trying to snuggle
But apparently I'm nothing special
Is it me, or my my personality
Either way I don't know anything about happiness
Just fluent in loneliness
Now I'm working overtime
But I'll be lucky to have a dollar and hardly see a dime
I've ****** up and lost control
What a way to tell me I have a ugly soul
Grab a time sheet and punch me out
Like a upper cut I'm knocked out
But I got back up ready to punch back in
I refuse to let the haters win
I'm just trying to find myself again
I saw a flyer and would love to begin

Star light
Star bright
Can I please get peace tonight
Been a struggle times are tough
I've just about had enough
Everything is just so rough
I wish upon a smile
Wouldn't want a burden on anyone
I know it's been awhile
Gaze upon something that should've been done
So star light, star so bright can I please get a peaceful sleep tonight?

Shovel is a unique tool
Burried myself because I was a **** fool
One day I was to learn
But I'd rather light a fire and burn
Souls supposed to light up but it's getting dark
Illuminated moments captured a glimpse of her heart
But I'm not a noose meaning I'm not hung up
Just happier to be away to search for my own love
Even if it's just me finding myself
A fallen angel but found the devil
6 foot deep for the 666 traditional sleep grab a black shovel
Any prayers lead to a ritual
About to be a darker spiritual
On a low level
Going to decay while people stomping on my grave
I tell the darker temptations to behave
Shovel had me Burried and I dig it

Stood up
Fell down
Sat up
Lied down
Got the spins
Stood up again
Why is this happening?

What streaks?
What another daily blank selfie?
How about something different for a change?
I am guilty of being boring but the daily got old and I attempted something new
I get boring responses from you
Nice forehead, that will be my head against that blank wall
I look up to the ceiling and boredom hit me til next fall
I guess main events will be the same
Tik toks and radio snaps for about a hour long
I like the person don't get me wrong
Just would prefer something different
People I don't hear from leaving me on read
Then a hospital selfie as they lay in bed
I'm trying to figure out why the pity *****?
Like poor me? I need the get well soon for comfort but it was just a check up....
Now I got heart ache drama but then I get left on read to check up?
I'm a just do me, if it's blank selfie I'll spam you with mockery.
Ask my buddy Kory 🤣

There you go
Off by your lonesome
Thought you'd be different
Nope that was a mistake
What's a date?
Give me a story
Ghosted once again
**** ya'll
I'm a focuse more on me

The toxic touch of her lips
A taste of poison from a kiss
I put a flyer everywhere because I feel so lost
Where do I begin the search?
Toxic love everywhere
Broken hearts come out of thin air
Lost sleep, lost the weight.
Happens from a severe heart break
Now I don't even know which path to take
Went from special to betrayel
Who'd a thought that the people you adore
Would grow quick to not love me anymore
Throwing my knuckles through these walls
Tears formed I crash and crawl
Stories told
Rumors solid as gold
Truth burns and feelings form to ash
I'd a done just about anything to get happiness right back
Her lips, toxic kiss
Need a safer place better than this

Not sleeping okay
Not eating today
Been a struggle day
Refuse to stay
Not going to have anything to say
I'm fine when I'm not

Baby girl!
Illuminated my world!
Red shield to my Apex
I can't even figure what's next
Beauty had me struck
The blushes had me stuck
You're so kind
Can't keep that kindness out of my mind
Who honestly can game with me?
Wished you can drink and play with me
That's how it should be
Feeling so exhilarated
Thank you for finding me
Especially with our mic
Gaming with you all night
This is something I really like
That's the way it's supposed to be
Thank you baby girl
Happy You're a part if my world

Been a rough patch
This year went by too fast
Not about to look back
Just trying to keep myself on track
Global pandemic along with being alone
Ignoring all the blank selfies on my phone
Another year single
I even attempted to mingle
But I lost weight though
Doing better being solo
End of 2020 isn't even a relief
It'll get ugly before the true beauty and that's my belief
Last year I was at a club
Drinking alone not I'm at a house party and that's what's up
Ready for another year some achievements
Not focused on my agreements
Just end of 2020 and I'm do better nothing to special

No one hates me more than me.
I'm not even in a dream.
Go ahead and resent me I'm not afraid of living in negatives. But you're the ones cold. I'll sleep in my vehicle below zero I ain't GIVE A ****. I'LL WARM IT UP!
Call me lazy, call me worthless. Either way you're the ones giving up on me. I know **** too much about being lonely. But people still **** with me.
Bury me in ****, either way I won't quit. This life is mine and I'm living it.

All alone in the dark
Determined to fall apart
Waited till I crossed my heart
Tears formed and the agony is about to start
I straight up lost control
Don't even know where to go
Hands on a shovel
Digging a hole about to work on the double
Buried everything I've got to isolate
Suppressed my feelings hopefully no one's coming to my wake
Everything is so dark
Can't believe I broke my own heart
Since no one is near me
I begin to yell and scream
Sky's black, the weather matches the setting
I didn't want to be alone in the darkness
I'm currently living alone in the darkness
Feels like the world spin me around to fast
I'm dizzy and drinking out of the glass
With he bottle I never want to pass
Hands on a bottle, pills in a shot glass
About to hit it harder than my last
The sun's still down with my hands on the shovel
I will stay late, **** it I'll work the double
Not much for life just more debt to be in trouble
I'll slam this pillshot
Bury my sorrows with prayers for a better tomorrow
Whats light again? I forgot

I need to review
Did I wrote something new?
Or did I reuse
Either way I don't have anything to lose
Not impress
Still out with this stress
If I were to Date it, it'd be toxic
But at the same time it'd be fantastic
Been writing for some time
These words will be filling every line
I hope to illuminate someone's world but forget mine
I'm not meant to shine
But I'm a son, I will set up
Suns heat and rises up maybe its just nature's luck
I've got to father in my life
Rise and go down till it feels right
Now I'm a enjoy a moment
As if I own it

If I were to publish
I would even be selfish
Just nervous
Have you thought about what life would be like?
I have, I get likes and hate
Not any different now, but then everyone I once knew would reach out as if I were to owe them a favor
Hard for me to tell them later
I'd need someone to be ride for me
Even then that'd be sketchy
If I were to publish my writing to a book
Who'd honestly give it a look?
It's not a competition of who had it the worse
We're all living to make it work
If I were to I'd hope to seek everyone's worth
Especially on the true reviews
Not about the fame
Nor me as a popular name
Just hoping those who read
Trying to succeed
Especially mentally
Because **** reality
If I were to it'd have to be in my perfection
Just my true way of affection

She's so perfect, would I even be worth it?
Time slows down but my heart rate is increasing!
Confidence decreasing
I'd love to get to know her my dear, want to take it slow and start here
All though I'm a ghost
But I haunt that beauty the most
May I some day find a chance
She can seriously take my hand
She's so beautiful and I think of her all the time
I know I've got false hope but what's the point of a daydream.... if I can't dream mine

Paranoid
Strongly annoyed
Anxiety increases
Heart shattered into pieces
Waiting on a response feels like a thousand years
All I feel on my body are thse tears
Why must the love break me again
Might as well leave my chest open

Didn't want to be the only one to drink
Always in the mood to write and think
As it hits me
I let myself sink
But my body floats above
Especially with this strong buzz
Just when I thought I didn't have enough

I'm not trying to be a ****
Just sick of the same conversations and ****
Pretty soon I'll shut my phone off pretty quick
Something you don't like happens, then You act so surprised
But I warned you and you should've taken my advice.
Not worth playing I told you so, just have a opened mind next time and take it slow
You needed advice to ignore it
Grab a box of tissues for your ignorance
But all okay, people learn better the hard way
Learn how to be happy by yourself
Others will be there dont get me wrong but its safer to watch your mental health
People now a days have the same problems
Solve it for me, but I'm sitting in pity.
I struggle with this and that
And the others are trying to one up the track
Then it all begins
But no one wins
If I'm getting the same story and watching you do nothing
I'll ghost you till I see that you learned something

I've got you and you're all that I need to stay close to me. Shoot a flaire in the air. On the search for your love and I'll be right there. Illuminated my darkness. For our hearts we'll pick up the pieces as if it was a harvest. I'll no longer fall because you're my harness. Need you to never leave me. We'll find ourselves because it's our reality. You'll always be my baby girl, my hollar gal. I will never let a man mistreat you, I'll help you through. My best friend,  I'll always have my arms wide open. Just don't leave.

Clever little boy
It's almost Christmas I think Santa got you a toy
Do you know something that I don't?
You're clever, in my family tree forever
You wanted to be just like me, listening to music like me
Now next fall I'm a take you out hunting
Some true bonding
Let's watch over our family together
Thank God for my brother
Then and I wouldn't have each other
The music taste and the choices you make
Here's my heart its for you to take
My little nephew I love you and wouldn't let anything happen to you

I'm trying to sleep but I'm drowning
Eyes flooded my pillows and now they're frowning
My eyes heavy but I can't sleep
Everything's hitting me
With these thoughts I still manage to cry in silence
Not even a sound or a sob
Happiness is now defiance
A ounce of joy I guess not

I am doing my best, at this point I won't make no promises. With no disrespect, right now I'm a ******* wreck. Can't put these thoughts to rest.  I'm in-between irritation and slight regret. Thats just the doubts hitting me from the left. All because it don't feel right. No promises please don't make me. I just want my cares in the world to be empty. How do I give, when I yet have myself to live? To forgive is to let go and rise. But you'll never unsee it with your own two eyes. No promises, I'm a be alone. If need to be I'll ******* disappear and ghost my phone. All I need is a warm vehicle and a journal and off to the road. Flipping off my rear view mirror as I go ghost mode. You think I won't? Try me, I've done it before and it's a walk in the park for me. I'm trying my best to stay happy

Homie said he'll take the knives out of my back
But conversations with me is something I truly lack
Told myself I'll stay clean
But I do stupid **** I don't mean
Ope look at this meme
It's stupid
Dating apps fake nothings real as cupid
Oh a book up
Nah I ain't ******* with that
Just trying to fi d a first aid for my back
Cut me some slack

You think you're trash
Thinking too deep in the past
You forget to look up because life brought you down
It's okay to frown
But don't allow depression to take over your throne because its your crown
I know thoughts scream out loud
But remember what you have and be proud
Independent and a better individual
It takes a lot to be successful
Trust me you're not trash
Don't take that doubt out
You've got this

Love was a joke, especially when you're fighting to avoid being broke. Like my heart, use that in the last sentence. Always on mental maintenance. The smile I use to have illuminated my world. Now it's me alone in the darkness but no one can have my soul.  Marshall taught me love is just a word, you bring the definition. But never wanted all that attention. Wanted to be at peace, anxiety always took over me. Love got me too broke, ask my heart because life got cold. Living in below temperature with out a coat.
Tell me I was never worth ****. But was requested to work for it. Always stayed late, too much to complicate. All that overtime for this ******* heart break. Now tell me I'm ugly, tears formed for nothing. All I wanted was someone to just hug me. Always lonely, ask my thoughts what they think of me. I began to be sober but then doubts hand to enter. Then I lost my temper. But I refuse to go back on pills! No matter how much all this kills. I'd bite my tongue, slit the wrist to let the blood run. Now ask me if I'm happy! I'll smile with a fake celebration and beging clapping. All because I was a ******* joke. I fought to avoid being broke. But my hearts indebt and depression threw me the the negatives. It was so cold I froze. With all that failure I still avoided begging and pleading. Asking for help is not me I'd rather suffer and begin bleeding. But I'm good I ain't about to drop my burden on someone who don't care to see me succeeding. Especially with others who refuse to simply check on me. Talk about a joke.

With out me
Where would anyone else be?
Never been the one to accept defeat
Just took a minute away to breathe
I got many of acquiesce friends
But I got homies til the end
One journey till the next begins
For that I'll full send

666
Not falling for tricks
Rituals will be something I will happily miss
Not going out to fall for this
666
I've got fire and sticks
Bones break but my words are unstoppable
No darkness please if possible
Dark soul on my shoulder I need a black shovel
My soul ain't for sale and figures aren't crossed in a double
Sorry Mr. DEVIL
You're a fallen angel and rose hell
But I will not be under a spell

When this pen I can finally speak
With this tear drop I can spread my ink
Let my hand do all the talking
Tears forming and I'm not stopping
Who do I call for help
Well....
No one because I can't even find the problem
Why rely on someone else to solve them!
Thats not me
Not who I want to be.
That's just not me!

I'll always doubt. Nellie you're the who needs to chill out. You're so tough but weak. Even your financial problems build up that you can't eat. Thats tough but also satisfying to see you at defeat. I doubt you because you use to be so happy. Everything you never had built you a flame to burn in agony. Doubting you is for ***** and gigs. Here's some alcohol take a sip. Drunk call someone to lose your respect. I do this to you because you're the one who left. Remember crying to sleep, but it felt okay with a drink? I do, it's amazing watching you lose. The emotions I leave to watch you abuse. I infect your securities to watch your peace deteriorate. Love watching you break. I'm obsessed of staying aggressive. It's my personality because you'll fail and be defenseless. You think me doubting and a side of depression is bad..... wait til failure and sanity gets a chance. Just think I'm at the front of the line, to make you lose your mind. Just give it time. You're soul will be mine.
P.S
When will you doubt yourself?

Always wanted to be able to stay safe.
Mentally struggle everyday.
People come to me, but I keep my mouth shut.
All sealed till I'm drunk.
Drunk conversations to let myself go off!
Feels like I'm dropping like a rock!
Told the ones I love, that I'll keep my head above.
Lost it all sinking, then I began drinking!
Whatever I've done wouldn't matter do to my run.
Past chasing me and sometimes catches up.
Never gave up but got too close.
Mistakes made by the path I chose.
Hyperventilating trying my best to keep up for shore.
But people I love and care for wouldn't want to be there anymore.
I'm a pack up my **** and leave again.
But my as will stay open.

I have no clue where to go from here
All I'll do is debate and drink a beer
I know my writings plain and clear
Hell sometimes I just want to get out of here
The stuff I wrote
All that to avoid feeling broke
Now I'm a provoke
But the deprived me stayed woke
For that I'm a chain smoke

Saw each other everyday, grew a bond along the way. Still will remember the great times we've had and begin to grow love everyday. Hearts planted, for life stays granted. We stick together and find peace. For that I learned to take care of me. I hope its a good future you receive, because with this new improvement I'm a seek to achieve.

Kisses feeling empty, am I losing everything?
Did I get slowly replaced? Or is this just a glitch or a phase? Why am I not feeling loved or safe?
I know it's not my place to try and intervene
But losing myself through sanity and I catch myself saying **** I don't mean
One minute I'm loved
Then it feels like I just got shoved
Depression comes in waves
Shook my hand back
**** it i guess I'm drowning to that
But I'm fine, then I'm not, then I'm okay
I smile because it's natural but then I lose at the end of the day
Talk about two broken hearts in the same place, I think my is deteriorating

If I could just pick a time period....
I wouldn't!
I'd just worry about me and the now
Sometimes life has me down
But I dust it off rising up like I'm shooting for a crown
Take a cheers by myself
The benefit if failure has me more aware of my mental health

The choice of being alone is my comfort zone
Wishing to just end it all and go home
Isolate in my corner
But life always finds a counter
Lately I don't really sleep
Lost motives to eat
I'm just in too deep

I'm going mad here
Everything I get closer to has to disappear
Everyone's out for me
So I stick to myself to make sure others are happy
Holding on to the past like it's going to go out of stock
But I need to let go and not forget to climb myself to the top
Apparently the views great
But it's impossible to wait
For that I break
I lose the weight
All that work to get to the higher ground
Everything's loud but there isn't a **** sound
I needed to let go of the things I never regret
I was drunk ignore the things I've ever said

I've always put others before me
Even if it was hurting
But that's the way it'll always be
The amount of kindness that's need
Evwn if I was the one who bleeded
My health of a mental state will be put last
One call away and I'll show up pretty fast
Hopefully we can stick together and put in the past

The sky drifts me to think
Don't even want to blink
It'd be a waste of a second
I gaze upon will be my commitment
To gaze is to stare upon a star
Make a wish in silence
Where do I start now? How can I finish?
But I tell myself to stop talking
To myself I began to daydream
But I didn't drift asleep
For hours I just think
Pondering what if's
These nights are natures beautiful gifts
I'll cherish with every breath
Skys resetting so I left
It's time to start a new one
For these thoughts to enter
I cherish fresh snow for this December
The cold bites, but the warmth nibbles
I'm am go to sleep peacefully now

I want to converse about motivation
But I'm awkward in every conversation
I jump quicker with my poetry like a portal
Amy Lee got me through it all with my immortal
I'm confident as all can be
Especially when I write some poetry
Ask away, all I've got to say is I write to rant
Somedays I write because I can
Lessons from my own words save me because everything else can't
I'm easy to read, without a sound my penmanship can speak
I've got horrible patients to read through
But I give it my all I promise you

Proud of myself for having it rougher than most
Always surviving because I'm tougher and thats how it goes
My vacation is being at a place of peace
Behind my journals I speak
Don't need anyone but I would love somebody
I'm a great man ask anybody
Ring of fire but I run in circles to put it out
I carry a burden but I know I survive
Truth is better than these tears from my eyes
I understood goodbyes
Learned how to manage
Never took advantage
I'll be exhilarated
Especially after a feeling deteriorated
I know that might be complicated
But I'm a writer
A true survivor
Use to be a liar
Now I set these flaws on fire

Only one season
Always a depressed reason
I'll grab a coat
But still managed to stay cold
My hopes deteriorated
I am supposed be exhilarated
Everyday is like running a marathon
Depression chasing me but my lungs going gone
Chain smoking, like a chimney I'm burning
But still no heats working

So soft and buttery
I began stuttering
Come in circles
Devoured in squares
For this feast I prepare
Extra syrup please
Put chocolate chips and some blueberries
Pancakes are a perfect tradition
I'll flex on the recognition
Pancake after pancake
Devoured till I've got a belly ache