If I can rewind
I'd change the worse time
Change the people I hurt
Avoid them cause they don't talk to me anymore
Might as well never meet them
I'm sick of the way I feel
Don't have much I'm only a human being
Always struggling
I've said and done things i didnt mean
Now these voices in my head want me to scream
All the people that don't trust me now
Don't know what it's like to suffocate silently with burdens on your shoulders
Holding **** back to avoid getting colder
Bet you can't handle the **** I've gone through
Bet you can't avoid being a addict
I got ****** in to a bad habit
It's comforting but a burden
Drowning in whiskey and bourbon
Has anyone taken all sorts of abuse
Drowning yourself because you feel so used
Then caught yourself becoming psychotic
Bet none of you can say you're changing
I'm not yet there
But I'm slowly getting there
I am done i don't ******* care
If I can rewind
Back in time
I'd try my hardest to avoid the people that no longer give a **** about me

Always hurts to let go
Beginning to find a goal
Feels like everything is caving in
Where do i begin
I'm going through anxiety
Everything hurts mentally
Is this depression or a form of guilt
According to everyone I'm not myself
Sobering up to regain health
I've got a plan
Hopefully one day pwople i love and care about will understand

My family has addiction issues
Use to try to cut through tissues
But what can I say I survived
I'm a be one day alright
Things get tough
But life's always been rough
I was a pill addict
Definitely a alcoholic
I'm a recovering
New feelings discovering
I'm not going to lose my temper again
Refuse to split someone open
I'm a change
I must admit it was kind of strange
**** addiction
I'm hoping my change gets recognition

Migraine go away please
I need time to think in peace
This hurts with you bothering me
You never leave
I want to turn off all the lights to sleep
When will these end
Migraines visits so often might as well consider them a friend
Migraine
Pain
Lame
Leave me be please
I'm about to try to sleep

I appreciate compliments
Not use to it so i cherish it
I'm alright today
Headphones on music blasting
I'm a make it
I'm shy and awkward now a days
I have a habit of keeping distance
Pretending there's no existence
How's life going everyone?
Anyone kicking *** and taking names?
I know it's tough out there but I'm sure you'll make it

I'm hurt
Don't know my worth
Got to get up and head to work
Past due bills
In the negatives
I just want to get by
About done with life
When will I be alright?

I'm a stranger
Letting my wounds open
Why is a stranger closer to me?
The ones I love patched the wounds with salt
A stranger is helping me clean up
I've got faith in humanity

Nobody is ever the same
People change
Sometimes it's a bit strange
Running around dragging chains
**** to numb the brain
Grinding in the A.M to pay bills
I am on antidepressant pills
Wait a minute anybody understand me
I'm going a bit crazy
I promise I'm not lazy
Hit up snapchat
Got my act back
Streaks daily
I'm on one mainly
No one can save me
I've got this ******* anxiety
I've noticed I'm something
But yeah sometimes I feel nothing
Loud music with headphones on
Help me find a motive to continue a poem because its on
Independent
A native descendant
I've my pride
Don't need to hide
No evil surprise
Depression in disguise

I'm turn up my music
Jam to auto tunes and acoustic
Clean the frustration away
Start off the new day
I'm a change
I guess clean till spring
Dance like fool and do my thing
Do some metal therapy
I just want to be happy
Call up my brothers boy take him out
Let clean with me
Maybe take him to a movie
He's adorable and goofy
Bring closer to me
We'll be at park after
Push him on a swing
Teach him some lyrics so i can hear him sing
I want him on weekends
Build a new bond
I'm a be here for you bub I won't ever be gone

Had a dream
Woke up
Half tempted to scream
**** love
Don't got a temper
Just bad luck
Been at my worse
Did all the work
Found out I'm a bit of a ****
"Oh he's so sweet"
ghosted
Okay well noted
I can call out **** before it happens
***** because I just want to be happy
I just moved in with my new soul mate the names insecurity

Yeah I'm ugly
Don't need to remind me
No one like my personality
All I am is insecure
Now in superior
I've always been ugly
I appreciate the honesty
I remind myself every day
Thanks reminding me that I'm ugly
Sorry for sending a selfie
No sugar coats because who wants to be ket down softly
**** yeah I'm ugly
No wonder I'm single not a **** soul wants me nor my personality

Dancing with the devil
Burning lyrics get on to my level
This is a one player game
Don't use my name in vain
Bet you played me and lost the game
I don't want anything in return
Lessons taught you going to learn
Played in the dark for fun
Look at me I'm flexing and not about to run
Bet you'll last a minute and cry to me claiming this isn't fun
Beats bumpin me
Shovel right next to me
I've got plenty of bleach
Now time for another speech
You don't wanna play
Gamover for you and that's on replay
What's happenin
I'm gonna pull up
Show you some hands
This is the real Nel
Devil put a restraining order on me I'm the new hell
Why play me
Why talk **** and not come close to me
I'm sick of these games to be honest
I clown around and bet you won't scrap up
Try it again
I'll split you open

Relations
Intimidating
Head spinning
Headphones on
Music loud
Temporary
But I'm enjoy the dual moment
Not a soul can have it

How long do I have to bottle it in?
I've got to wait till I'm by myself again.
To many people around.
I cry in silence not even a sound.
I've hated myself for a long time.
Losing everything I don't even know whats mine.
I've watched women jump to fast,
Breaks my heart because where was the feelings?
To be honest, no one really has my back.
Poison and toxic **** is all I'm receiving.
I wish I didn't cry alone so much
I hate looking at my own reflection
To all of you who can change their feelings so quick.... i wish I had that perfection
They say time a magic thing
But who really gives a **** about one human being?

Why you always writing depressed ****
Why don't you quit
No one wants to listen to it
Why don't you take a hit
*
Let me tell you a little story
Mind your own business and don't worry
I'm going through ****
Talking and posting to poetry is my only outlet
I am a survivor
A strong fighter
Yeah I get the disappointment
I'm disappointed too
Had to go on a appointment
Feel like I won't mentally pull through
I'm fine though
I checked out ready to go
I'm paying karma back
Check please! I'm get back on track
(Eventually)
Don't push me
My motives aren't as bright as they use to be
Try watching the people you live disappear
Try watching your family separate further every year
Try doing **** alone
Better yet
Tell me about a ****** up addiction
If you ever had one
Whats the definition of perfection
******* critical geeks bet you don't know what its like to backout
Nor what it's like to **** near overdose
Or even ******* nearly die
Maybe support and not judge
I admit I'm guilty of holding a grudge
You know what it bothers me when people criticize me
Hurts lots but **** it karma wins with a check of reality
Don't push bet you candle the recoil
I learned the hard way how to be loyal
I'm also a better writer
Expectations higher
I've got a desire
I'm a hit up the fire
Burn all the ******* judgements

Ran out of gas
At last
I know the limit
Cold out I'm be here for a good minute
Everyones busy or sleeping
Sorry for the bother I'm not creeping
Just cold
Well I can hang here my skins bold
At least theres a little heat
Wearing slippers now I've got cold feat

Recently I've been impulsive
Not like it matters anyway
Alone all day
Found out credit deopped
Rejected for a loan
What do I have to do to live alone
I'm losing my mind
Depressed all the time
Chest hurts right now
Tempted to fight
Just to feel a different pain to hopefully feel alright

Never was on hold oh well
Time to be bold I have no voicemail
I talk to myself
Arguing with myself
What do you mean?
Ignored through a answering machine
Miss company
I'll give advice
But don't know how to listen to myself
So I cry softly
Voices in my head talking I swear I'm driving myself bad
Just so sad
Heres to jack and coke again
Writing in my journal hoping a miracle will happen
Breathe buried in alcohol
I wish it was fall
Autum is my favorite
Pumpkin seeds
Mango smooties
Perfect crips golden leaves
I'm crying alone daydreaming
Some ******* almost drove me into the wrong lane
Wanted to let it happen because of the pain
How can I work?
Not one of ******* see my worth
No patients with me i guess
Maybe thats why everyone up and left
voicemail full, goodbye
I was never on hold,
Life after life wasn't right.
Hung up grab a noose and hang these feelings cold,
I'm a isolate tonight

Dear Nikkie
I won't let you lose yourself
I'll make sure you're safe and in good health
I know you will be happy again
Won't let anything bad happen
It's going to be difficult between you and the insecurities
Try not to intervene
I know easier said then done
Promise you'll someday find the right one
You've got the smile
You've got the looks
It's awful that nobody can see you
Especially after the **** they've put you through
A beautiful soul
I'm not going to leave you alone
I've got your back cupcake
NelBel isn't going to let you break

Not again
Tempted to open
Great more pain
Every day feels the same
Like i said before
Tear communicate
Feels like my eye lids are going to deteriorate
I'm nothing new
Not special to anyone including you
Dear mama,
I'm sorry I shut you and my father out
I'm in a darker place and I'm just buried in doubt
Wish I was a better man
I'm a classified cheat
Don't nobody trust me
They say don't trust anyone who can't satnd you at your worse before they see your best
About to give up and forever rest
I've owned up
I've lost love
I've been going crazy
Just not myself lately

Let me explain to you what being led on is like.
It's honestly the new normal because no one knows how to treat one another right
Just do you, someone will eventually follow you through
**** a relation
No motivation
Insecurities have a invitation
Depressed in a whole new situation
Writers block with no creation
I'm a be at my own wake
I won't retaliate
Nor be late
Even in my own funeral my respects were paid
Everyone calls me Nel
**** with me I'm put you in hell
I've got plenty of bleach
Bout to burry you deep
You'll go to sleep
Don't mess with me
I'm honestly a respectable human being
I just refuse to be criticized
But yet here it all comes with no surprise
I take meds to be sane
If i avoid them the darkness consumes me and I'd drive everyone insane
I'm a bring my shovel
Make my shot a double
What do you mean?
Blood every where I've got to clean
Break a law
Crack a jaw
I've got a new saw
You'll be the one to crawl
Respects will atleast be paid
No lie because I'm the only one grimming at your wake

Where's the whiskey
Nah homie thats the old me.
Nah bro you haven't left
I'm still here don't forget.
Don't you remember me picking myself up
Puking living it up
Surrounded by all the alcohol
Blacking out with no one to call
No one was there
Almost got stuck in foster care
Little did I know.....
Family and therapy was a joke.
Woke up drinking
Fell asleep drinking
Repeated the cycle again
Losing sight with a bottle open
Hey Nel open a cold one
No *******! Look at the damage thats done!
So what Nel, not like it's going to get worse so might as well enjoy it
Yeah good point I'm drink in a little bit
Destructive
Not really productive
Head spinning
Alcohol winning
I'm a chug a new bottle
I prey to blackout so these thoughts don't startle
Ew this reflection is ugly
Smoke me up till I'm a little petty
**** I'm a lose it
Shut the **** up ma I'm going for a little bit
Go buy me a tin
Hurry up before I black out again

I use to be touble
Call me a rebel
**** that law
I'm a retaliate you all
Don't want to deal with this
About to get up to your face with a diss
I get the feeling you're noncompliant
Bend the rules I'm defiant
There was a time when I'd start fights
Looked at me for nothing so I put them on a spotlight
****** nose
Knee to the face down they go
Leave me alone
***** you all
About to drop your jaw
Today I don't have manners
To high of standards
Patients is about to relocate
Send me a location and don't vacate

I can't talk
But my tears can
Maybe hold me or atleast my hand?
I can't control the feeling
Bet you don't understand what I'm feeling
Depression is all I'm receiving
These tears communicate words that my voice can't

You ever realize your true colors with a heart break? Realizing how crazy you can be. Smoking a pack after pack, before you know it you went through a 12 pack. Mix a drink, isolating. Little bit buzzed, thoughts drowning and eye ***** draining. A nap because it was all draining. Round two, lost myself to.
I have to clean up, lifes short gotta live it up. I need some new cups. Solo, don't know. Ready to hit the road, sober up first. But I'm caught up because its about to burst. For better or worse.

Lately I've been losing a little sleep
But that's fine
I've been having me time
Avoiding others trying to make it alright
My Cupcake told me to sleep tight
I took a shot and had a beer and off the tv went
I've got a budget plan to cover rent
Got to handle some business
Won't take others advice I promise I'm not full of ignorance
I'm just distant
Let me know
I want to go
Let myself finally glow
Woke up with my first parking violation
**** what's the parking situation
**** it I'm a just pay
Not worth the fight anyway
I'm independent as ****
I can handle it I'm pretty tough
I'm me and no one can duplicate me
Be you're,  everybody's taken

Let's let my words play
I'm on one today
Don't want recognition
I start the day by turning my ignition
Music loud
Insipired now
I can write about any topic tossed at me
Conversations with my journals to help mentally
I've gone solo
Never had help though
Always on my own
Searching for home
About to request a loan
Ask me about the writing sesh
No therapy needed it'd be a new debt
Walking own water
Not literally it's winter
Frozen cold
Anxiety got old
I'm play with some metaphors and hope I learn
Wished I payed more attention in class
Mocked my old notes because my lyrics didn't last
I love how dramatic I use to be
Back when I was phenomenal in poetry
Little solo
Little cold
More angry
More empty
Let's let my words go crazy
Because no body knows what it's like to be truly sane

Okay time to listen to Marshall
Whats album? Kamikaze, music murdered by, or revival?
Or should I listen to Nate
Anything that can relate
I've got the motive to increase more writing skills
Almost done with a journal with words that ****
Nobody can have the original copy
Writings to sloppy
Half tempted to keep one in the back seat
A new journal a new project 7 days of the week
I'm a **** it
Writings phenomenal and nobody can keep up
I'm so far up
But my vocabulary got weak
Dictionary
Teach me new words
I'm a hit up new metaphors
I'm a bit critical with my writing
It's a struggle between me and myself I can't stop fighting
Hell I can't even spell words right
But I'm not losing the fight
I'm a continue to write

Not a lot of you know my story
But I've been the suspect and the victim
Ask a ex, I was abusing all sorts of ****
I even took it to far for a bit
Started blacking out on purpose
Got hooked real bad
Lost all the responsibility I've once had
I've been taken for granted
Hurt others to a whole new planet
I don't deserve ****
I wanna really feel the iverdose for a bit

Honestly
Distant again
Lying
I'm fine
Shut up shut up
Hello names Nelson
I use to be a alcoholic
Slightly a pill addict
**** recovery
And **** the therapy
This is **** I'm about to learn
Grab a hold of my headphones and run till I burn
I need to run 2 miles after a 1 and a half light jog
"Nellie, you've gotten fat"
I can hardly eat
Starting to ******* lose sleep
Honestly I'm ight
Honestly i don't wanna fight

Cheers to being lonely
A **** because its my "only"
What's it like failing miserably?
Here pull up a seat let me tell you a story
I know all about miserable
I use to think I ruled the world
Had a perfect girl
Had a decent life
But nope karma is committed to me
I've got nothing but the past
Soon I'm a be pass tense
No one can stop me
Cheers to Jack easing the pain
Not by much but I'm a little sane
Cheers
Okay grab me some beers
I'm no where near done
I just want some thrills hopefully some fun
But I'm anxious with the feelings hanging
Is this what it's like being hung?
**** I'm just about done
I don't know the definition of happy
Honestly lost hope on the feeling
It's eating me alive
Dear Nel,
I'm screaming at you but you're clearly avoiding me
Haha you ain't ever going to be happy.
I'm not going anywhere unless you put a bullet in me
I'm trapped in your head
I'm a be with you forever and ever till you're dead
Hell even life after life
I'm here to make sure you're never alright
Cheers again
You about split your veins open
Another waist of a petty achievement
Let me know when you're going to sign off on the suicide agreement
Sign on the dotted line of this invitation
You're a perfect example of a waste of a creation
Cheers
Well thank you train of thought for your opinion
To be honest I'm fine that opinion was well said
Why split till I'm dead
Maybe I should find a slower route
I kinda enjoy the doubt
Its thrilling calling out **** before it happens
Tears shed find me a napkin
Let me call out the fake feels
Let me cheers to another lie
Let me climb over a volcano thats about to erupt
Let me burn myself to ash because who really gives a ****
Let me get attached and ***** it up
Or let me get attached and have them abuse me
Either way I'm at defeat so ask me again why I ain't ever happy
If you can hand it to me maybe things my be different
Until then cheers to my petty *** being ignorant

Ask me if I'm happy
I'll lie cuz you don't know me
One night I'm fine
Next night I'm fine
In silence I cry
Duck tape over my mouth
Blind fold over my eyes
I ask myself why
I've come to realize
I'm a joke and a lie
That's how I'm classified
Tell me I'm happy
So it's easier to pretend
Tell me I'm really fine so I'm not broken
If this is the cycle I don't want it
I'll wave a white flag and quit

Woke up sweaty
Time to go but I'm not ready
Eyes still to heavy
I've got to go
A bit hungover so I'm a be slow
Not going to call in
Ready to live on my own again
So this is where it all ends
Time to start a new journey where should i begin?
I need to sober up for a bit
I don't want to lose anymore of my ****
Not like it really matters though
I'm always alone
Hey Nel!
Remember when?
All of the bottles you picked up and cans?
Wishing you had somebody
I do, you were talking to your reflection in the mirror
I told you to just open a new beer
Repeated the cycle again
Losing your thoughts again
All ready to be okay
But that was all just lie
You deserve the world but you knew how to ***** it up
Don't cry because you lost love
Remember when you were drowning in *****
Had a side arm with a trigger to your brain
You were about to lose it
What's pain?
Ask yourself that little homie
Enjoy being lonely
You're gonna learn
Good bye again you're gonna burn

Call me the alcoholic
Pills to keep me less psychotic
Brain's lose I'm a need more screws in my head
What's going on with me? I must be going braind dead.
I'm a just go grab me another pill
Sip on something to chill
Why is the heartache so real?
Not ready to deal.
I'm a sit back
Another redbull no heart attack
**** time for a snack
Stomachs empty I should pack
Wait, I just wanna close my eyes for a moment
Grab something and tightly hold it
Tell me again I ain't worth ****
Tell me to just quit
Ready to isolate for a bit
Sadly that's just not how I visioned it

Don't Resuscitate
Life and reality has to separate
I'm a mess is this my fate
Guilt isn't great
I've got a vision
Filled with suspicion
Why is everything closing let me in!

I'm alone with all these drinks, numbing the pain because life ******* stinks.
Case all to myself, Smirnoff all to myself.
Vibe it up, more in my cup.
Everyone passed out, me the last one standing ready to shout.
Light one up, I've got my cup.

I know it hurts, that ***** doesn't see your worth. To be honest darling it's not worth the work. Nikkie chelle, this is going to hurt like hell. I'm here for you I handle things well.
Is there anything I can do, I hate what he's doing to you.
I know what it's like to **** **** up, but what he's doing to you ain't love.
I love you and I'm here for you. You were there for me when I couldn't pull through
I hope you know I only live 120 miles away from you.
I'll drive to make sure you're okay, to make sure you're safe. It only takes a full tank. I don't give a **** what that prink thinks, he's playing games. I know what its like I've been the suspect and the victim. Sounds to like he's full of **** and criticism.
Please call me, please talk to me. I don't want you to be lonely.
I've done stupid **** when I was alone.
Low key still do, Nikkie I don't want to lose you

I sit back with some lack. Losing track, don't need to pack. I'm ready to go, ready to go solo. I'm in need to be alone, **** getting close. Tell me I'm something, the put blades in my back and tell others I  was nothing.
I'm a ******* isolate because I'm losing my manners. I guess I've got to high of standards.
I feel like just packing up to hut the road. But my beat up truck won't go to far. I can barely afford to keep it running, thanks karma for making me feel like nothing

I drank till I was paralyzed, no sleep again I'm deprived. Blood shot eyes...hang over what a surprise. Why is it all heavy? I don't want to be spazzin the **** out, but I'm in a battle of my self doubts.

She gave me butterflies and now they rip apart my stomach to go free. But she still cares for me. Now everything is blackning and I'm back tracking. Loss a grip because lifes to ****** heavy

I can feel the judgement, I sense the disappointment. That's cool I'm making a mixed drink. Crying a tune so I can ******* think. I hear my voice screaming at me, sometimes I'm not even there. Why doesn't everything get light as a feather? I just want to feel better. It's all to heavy. Look at what depressants are doing to me.

The sky is blackining, everything ***** as I'm watching it all happening. Can't tell because there isn't any more lighting. I swear karma loves to play with me. This is the new Normal. Sometimes I can't even write in my journal.

Listen to me when I speak
Promise me you won't roll your eyes and leave
I've been working on myself lately
Realized how more I'm lost with you baby
I know I was never a amazing man
But I did everything I possibly can
Please look deeper into your heart for me
I'm always here with open arms don't you see?
Just come home
I'm by my phone
I know with me you don't feel alone

What's sleep?
Doing it all alone
No one by myside
As predicted I'm the one to cause the issues
Miss the comfort
Miss loving each other in silence
Comunicating with our eyes and with a touch
**** i miss it so much
I cant sleep
Impossible to have a appetite to eat
Tempted to drink
I'm drowning my eye *****
I'm on the floor ready to crawl
Up all night and before i know it I'm in bed again
Repeating the cycle eyes wide open
Anxious and pacing in bed
Eyes fried feeling dead
**** this is painful
Someone find the cure please

I turned my tears to sweat
All led to success
But guess what?
This guilt still fills me with regret

I took **** to granted
Ran myself to a darker planet
Her love! **** i can't have it
Fell to deep and separated
Miss it all
Wish she'd call
Come home
With us we wouldn't atleast feel this alone
...........

I can't be jealous
Boy I'm really ridiculous
Hurts to say goodbye
Ibwas able to keep a straight face before anyone saw me cry
I'm jealous and anxious all the time
Somedays I believe you're still mine
I can't stop the tears
I'm we spent time together for years
May not be much to others
But without you there isn't any other
All the times we spent joking around
All the plans to eventually settle down
We've all made mistakes
Stuck it out because we refuse to break
But now look at us
Can't wven take care of ourselves
I'm jealous of the way you handle things
I'm jealous because I've still got the feelings
I'm lost with out my baby because she's not home

I still love you
I forgive you
No ammends
I'm always at work "fine"
All because I choose to pretend
Wish to hold you in silence
For the past few days when i napped i dreamt i was home with you baby
Miss us so much I'm going a little crazy
Remember our routine?
I do, I even remember the way you smile when you kissed me
Darling i know we're not okay
But I'm still here for you idc what time its or how late it is don't be afraid to call or come home

With the reflection I can see eye to eye
Dissing myself with compliments till I lose my mind
No wonder I go mad
Tell me who's bad?
In this mirror I can see everything reflecting off of me
Can't tell if I'm disgusted or happy
Either way I argue with myself  but the opposite conciousness side of me can see eye to eye
Both of us saw me burried dead
What the ***** goin on in my head?
Mirrors don't lie
But doesn't also give you a highlight
Tell me I'm going crazy
Taunt me when I'm crying because that's all I've been doing lately
Ready to get angry and ready to put a fight
Give me something that's supposed to feel right
I wrote pillshot, i wrote darkside, and I wrote the note
I'm the creator or some more darker **** that's ghosted in a journal
Not many know me or what I am about to achieve
Soon this journal will be complete
To the ******* who think my writings cheap
**** y'all this is only the beginning

**** the rules
Give me more *****
Ready to lose
Y'all gotta move

I'm a bring back Nel
Y'all ready for some hell?
I'm a bit crazy
You ready to black out baby
No ******* sleep
Don't got **** to eat
Not that it matters
Don't kid yourself
Guess what hurts the most?
You know what who the **** cares I'm ready to be a ghost
Pill this trigger and load up for a pillshot
What happened last night? I already forgot
Retaliation
A little bit of a new destination
Where should i ******* go?
Load up a boat
Ready to drown the ******* regrets so I can float
Grab the *****
Ready to lose
Give me the recent news
If there is a foght going on I'll stay to finish it
Ready for some ****
Don't start with me
I'm ready for a blackout i don't think i can see
Help me I'm ready to panic
Load up on some xanax
Hopefully pass out
Maybe forgot my life for a bit
Honestly I'm ready to ****** quit