A thousand times I've said it
I'll say it a thousand times more
I said it in my dreams
Screamed it in my nightmare
I said it on the phone
I've texted it out
In the kitchen, in our room
Nearly everywhere
I don't think you've heard me clearly
Because you're never there
You left me, standing here
Crying it out a thousand times
Living out my worst fear
I'm giving up, I'm never heard
I'll say it a thousand times more
But I'm changing one simple word

I love you?
~no~
I Hate You!

I hope you can hear me now
Want me to text it out?
I'll scream it in my dreams
Now that I know what it really means
A few simple letters, my message is changed
What I said before?
I think I was deranged
I didn't have a clue
Don't worry about replying ***
I've already deleted you

It all started, ever since the ending of my seventeenth years.
Before I always wanted to end my life.
Until that night, when my brain FULL ON woke up and gave me previews.
Previews of DEATH.
Scariest **** ever!
It gave me different feelings and ways off dying.
It was terrible.
(Imagine this)
Your memories starts to fade,
as your heart slowly stops beating,
air running out slowly,
just simply the whole systems is shutting down....
then STOPS!
As I'm lying there covered in sweat I realized, that life is precious.
Like OUR TIME IS TICKING FAST!
We better make something of ourselves to at least be remembered by a good amount of people.
Because in the end, we're just really a tiny portion, compared to the whole ******* universe.
So to all whose reading this.....
STOP COMPLAINING OF HOW '******' YOUR LIFE IS!!! MAKE YOURSELF THE BEST YOU CAN BE IN THIS WORLD! SO THAT THE LIVING CAN CARRY ON THE MEMORIES OF YOU!!!
If you don't, then when you're at your dying point of you life,
you don't want to go out like a  **weeping little *****, do you now?

I'd rather drown in the sweet, warm memories of you.
Feeling alive again.
In no need of hiding the true me.
Just let me drown,
let me drown,
let me drown,
into the comfort of your loving embrasses.
Instead of being a walking dead.
With the ball chain of psychological pain at my feet.
wearing a clowns mask.
Receiving the pecking orders from many,
for being cold-hearted.

'It takes two to Tango', they said.
We both made our faults. But not as severe as yours.
You tell me that you loved someone else then me.
You tell me that I loved "the you who pretended that you were all 'that'" and this is the real 'YOU'. The YOU who's always been an *** to people, had ***** desires and 'not following the rules', etc.
I still find it ******* that this is 'real you'.
Now look at where you are now:
jobless, because it's too much work and you don't want stress,
living in an apartment with a few friends who are as almost as equal as you, even relatives,
indecisive like a girl, which turns out you wish you were,
you seek for 'your kind of love' when it's your lust,
a cheater and a liar,
the list can go on and on.
And you call that FREEDOM?

I recently found a job, a job that I adore,
I've been as honest as I can,
not as much judgmental than before, then again the whole world is FULL of judgement and opinions. Just learn how to carry on, instead of being a little ***** about it.
I've been fixing **** up in my family, it's doing average so far,
didn't bother to have any other relationships, no point when your hearts-empty-cold.

But the funny thing is in the end,
we can't live without each other.
YOU can't live without HATING me through a screen, and MOCKING me severely. Which makes me wonder that if you truly loved me at one point, in order to have this hatred. They say "Love and Hate is on the same Tip of a Blade". You also look at other girls, seeking for some sort of attention or affection, still drowning in your illusions of delusions, yet I've always been here for you, to give you all off that.

And I can't live without knowing that your doing alright, and missing the
old you.