I'm drinking
and
I'm crying over you.
Again.

When I looked at you and felt nothing
I went home and cried,
Not because I was heartbroken but because I wasn't anymore.
My mind had been stuck on you like static electricity
Because that's what we had.
I'm relieved I feel nothing anymore because for a long time
I felt like my heart was on fire,
And not the beautiful kind that keeps you warm
But the horrifying kind, burning and scarring me for good.
That's what you did. I'm not the same.
For a while I was perpetually sad,
My sadness grew until I knew nothing but.
All I was to you was another freshman ****.
But to me I was beautiful and funny and happy.
I'm not happy now. But are you?
Do you go home at night and sleep soundly in your bed?
Because I don't.
I cry and shake and scream at the thought of losing myself to the idea of something I could not even comprehend - I was just a little girl.
Sure I was in high school but you should have known better.
You left me hurt on the side of the road with a gun in my hand.
Waiting for me to pull the trigger and believe me when I say that I
Would have taken a bullet for you and boy did I try.
I squeezed that trigger with everything I had
But it wouldn't move.
The only thing that moved were the thoughts in my brain of how much I loved you at that very moment and
How much you changed me.
I can't even remember my last name anymore because
All I know is your phone number on my cell phone screen.
You don't even deserve the words I'm putting into this because you're probably getting head for the fifth time today from your girlfriend.

To my ex-lover who told me I'd be much more beautiful if I wasn't so heavy
You'd be much more pleasant if you weren't so ignorant.
I gave myself to you as I stripped every layer of my conscience off
Lying out in front of you
You were the first person I let see my stomach
To run your hands over each scar on my body
That map out my childhood
One for the first time I dieted at eight years old
One for the first time my father ridiculed me for my weight in public
One for the man who touched me prematurely
Causing me to bleed from the inside out
Until my body was submerged in crimson
And I long to feel something on the inside again
Whether it be feathers or needles.
He taught me to settle for men like you
Because with you, I can feel daggers.
As you touched my *******,
They amazed you
Why are the sacks of fat and tissue and fluid on my chest
So much different than the cushion around my midsection?
I should not be seen as parts of a whole
As threads that can be manipulated into something more pleasing to the eye
I am an entire person
And my womanhood is not for industry
For foreplay
A *** toy fit to meet the needs of every man who lays his hands on me.
The glimmer in your eye during *** made me shutter
And maybe that's why I turned away last time
Because that shine was selfishness
All you saw me as was your pin cushion
That you could stick knives in
And I would be willing
You could put all your aesthetic expectations into me
And I would absorb them without a fight.
You must not know me at all
I have gasoline in my mouth
And when you tell me to sit down and shut up
It is the flame ignited.
Just as they say I'm loud in bed
Maybe the reason is that too many men
Have tried to shove cotton down my throat
Failing to drown me out
Telling me my voice is merely static
Telling me I am anything but beautiful
Well, I hear beauty is in they eye of the beholder
And my eyes are the only ones that matter.

i guess you could say i'm successful
i guess you could say i have potential
i guess you could say i have a bright future
but at what cost?

if your life is
pouring over endless pages and
vocabulary words
saturday classes and
the endless typing of monotonous papers
are you really living?

i want to be like the girls
who wear tight dresses
and drink too much on friday night

i want to point to a place on my map
pack up my things
and make new adventures

i want to feel the exhilaration
of falling through life
with no idea where i'm going to end up

i'm so tired of being
sensible
i want to be alive

She has wounds that time can't heal
An im a fresh knife
Cutting is my skill
Reopen the stitches'
I cut deep
Only doing to her
What she does to me
Time is patient
But im not patient with time
So I skip verses
Cutting in line
Trying to get to her heart
Hoping I can stich
What's been torn apart
Im afraid
Taking out what I can't put in
I dont wanna get stuck
Love is luck
Stitching to close
Getting stabbed by the needle
But with this pain
I gain
More love
Im caught in her stitches
Were to tight
You can never tear us apart
You can try tho good luck

Big sister,
You smell like coffee....
but I showered twice!!

Love makes me happy makes me sad,
Makes me tired makes me glad,
Why does Love affect me in so many different ways?
There is Love for a brother, for a sister, for a mother,
For a father, for an uncle, for a girlfrend, or friends.
Why can I only manage the last two?

Hate is the rage that fills my bones,
At the separation of me and her, two hearts forever joined,
At the way my parents mock my friends,
At Cancer. That the filthy beast should dare go near Andy!
Hate starts wars, causes death, destruction, decay.
Yet where is Love in war?
In the smile of te nrse at the valor of her patients,
In the flowers laid on the graves of even the enemy,
In the defense of Liberty, Family and the Homeland.