i knew that i felt love when i met my bestfriend.

i knew that i felt love when i met my first pet.

i knew that i felt love when i heard my new favourite song.

i knew that i felt love when i went to my first concert.

i knew that i felt love when i met one of my favourite artists.

i knew that i felt love when i hugged my mum.

i knew that i felt love when i sat down and ate dinner with my family.

love isn't just romantic.
it can be platonic.
and sometimes
it's even more special that way.

let yourself be loved,
and love other people
and things you enjoy.

in the context of
light,
the intensity refers to
the amount of power
that is being emitted.

i sometimes use this as a metaphor,
to say someone is
powerful.
they have the intensity
of light,
and if its too bright
it can blind you,
or others.

and it will hurt them
but they wouldn't even know,
because its too bright
and they're too blind
too see that
something has
that much power.

friendships are hard.
i think they always will be.

it's about
finding that in between
balance
of love,
care,
and annoying one another.

i can never seem
to find that in between.

either they
annoy me too much
and i don't speak up --
because im scared ill
hurt them,
or i care too much
and it slowly,
very slowly,
pushes them away.

or maybe im too
quiet.
not loud enough.
i am loud though --
once you know me.

i know they're
not meant to
be this difficult.
but i always feel
as though im
in the middle of
trios
and groups.

or that i distance myself
too much
even when i need to be
distanced from the noise.

it'll get better.
hopefully.
eventually.

some people find
each other
again
after a few years.

but if not,
there's plenty of people
for me
to get to know
and become friends with.

its not my fault.
i didnt do anything wrong,
it was all
you.

it feels like you've
carefully planned this.
every millisecond,
making me
feel like the guilty one.

im not.
its not my fault.

your intention was to hurt me.
and you succeeded,
with a bonus of
making me feel
guilty.

“it should be.”
being afraid --
it’s not a thrilling feeling,
not a rush,
not something
that anyone asks for.
it’s a heavy,
and eerie kind of silence.
not knowing what’s next,
who will speak,
who will leave,
when it ends --
or if it even will.
no one knows.

being afraid
feels like your insides
are twisting
trying to strangle themselves.

not butterflies --
but knots,
tight and mean,
it's your body sounding the alarms
in the only way it knows how.
a sickness that whispers,
“brace yourself,”
for something
that might not
even come.

lillies.
they're pretty.

i see them
on my morning walks --
they adorn the footpath.

im about to buy some
in a boquet,
tied in with some tulips
and leaves as spacers.

they're for my new partner.

but whenever i see
these lillies,
i can only
think
of
you.

maybe because your essence
was just like the lily's --
you were elegant,
compassionate,
and you loved everyone
with the biggest
heart and smiles.

i know its wrong,
to still think of you.

but these lillies --
they're everywhere i go.
i wouldn't take it as a sign
but i know it means
something.

i shouldn't be buying these
for my new partner,
she isn't elegant
like you,
or have a big smile
like you did,
so why do i buy them?
or walk the same footpath
every morning
just
to
see
them?

i don't know.

how are you?

my messages are open for you if you need :)

little update: i am big time procrastinating this project man. it's challenging me and i don't like it. but im gonna finish it... at some point. school is back aswell so i won't be as active:p